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Dead Guys Ain't Cool
October 29, 2004

by PyroFalkon
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


This week, I find myself in a bit of a… uh, sticky wicket. You see, I really have nothing to talk about to get past the ad box. Because this column is coming in one day late (published on the same day Rick whips out his Weekend gOOdness), he will probably be the one to inform all you all that the Red Sox won it in four. That makes Rick unhappy, the whole of Boston happy, and everyone else… well, probably caring as little as they did before.

Let’s see, uh… I didn’t get Taboo Tuesday, which, from the sound of Rick’s recap, was a good choice. I guess that snippet is more appropriate in last week’s recap, but I told you I’m short on words this week. Blasted ad box. Blasted Internet. Everything sucks.  

Okay, another half-paragraph and I 

should be clear. Um… Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas got a 9.9 on IGN, the highest-rated game ever from them. And no matter what the haters say, it deserves the score. GTA: Vice City felt like an expansion pack; this one feels like a sequel to a sequel, which I guess it should be. But anyway, if you have a PS2, and you’re in the WWE-demographic, you probably need to get this game. It will change your life, because you’ll be playing it non-stop, putting aside such silly things like Homework and Food. You’ll probably die, but what a way to go! Yay Rockstar!

In other news, I have been punished for Crossing The Boss. In a private e-mail exchange, Rick told me decided not to fire me, but he IS going to be docking my pay. Apparently, 1/1000th of a cent per article isn’t good enough anymore. Dang. I really WON’T get money before I turn 35.

Um, okay. I should be clear now. And here’s this week’s edition of this week’s edition of Byte This!! And no, that wasn’t a typo… just think about it.

Hey! They started five minutes late! Hey! I’m watching is archived so I don’t care! The line up is Carlito “I hate Malus pumila” Cool, Batista, and The Book. Then they go over Million Dollar Tough Enough, and I don’t crap on recaps. Then they talk about WWE Fantasy; THAT I will crap on. Well, except I have to take a potshot at Matthews here. He says that guys from Raw really cleaned up last week, because having a pay-per-view is like having a second show a week. If you don’t catch why I think Matthews is an idiot, I give up.

Video break of the SmackDown! Rebound, followed by Million Dollar Tough Enough. I’m too tired to make a comment here.

And we’re back, and I swear, they’re conspiring to get me to stop doing recaps. They burn the next minute talking about the top five guys in WWE Fantasy.

Droz is on. “Randy Orton was screwed! Triple H is bad and deserved his spanking! Maven kicked ass! Maven is young, but doing good! HBK’s speech was emotional! Later!” Damnit, Droz, you were so insightful last time; what happened?

Video break. Vote this year, or the end of the world will strike. That’s right: if you don’t vote, Nader gets elected.

We’re back, and Batista is on the phone. He sounds tired, stoned, and/or drunk. Which I suppose makes sense, assuming he’s in-character and all. Most of his monologue is worthless, until Josh asks if Evolution is planning on adding a fourth member now that Orton has been pushed out too soon. Batista, surprisingly to me, said that there IS someone they’ve been looking at, but won’t say the name. Lovely Miss Tomko, anyone? No? Ah well.

Batista whips out better-than-Stacy intelligence on Mark Lloyd’s next question: would anyone NOT want to join Evolution? After Josh and Batista make fun of him for awhile, Mark clarifies that he wonders if anyone is afraid of going to Evolution and getting to the top, then getting beaten up by the other members for doing so (like Randy Orton did). Batista replies that they didn’t beat the snot out of Orton because of the kid’s success, but rather because he had his own agenda that he kept from Evolution. Nice save.

Here’s a caller… nope, she’s off. Wow, so surprising.

Mark asks about how he felt about being in Wrestlemania XX and facing Rock and Mick, and Batista’s all “It was cool, but I don’t care who we face because we don’t care about anyone.” Brilliantly in-character. “I don’t care about titles or opponents or Fantasy points, I just like beating people up” [paraphrased]. Even a better play!

Here’s a different caller… and she gets through! She asks if HHH ever gives Bats the torch, would he form his own Evolution? Batista’s all “The torch isn’t mine, so I don’t care, I just want to help out Evolution, because they only want to do good for people.” Batista, the character, believed it, which I found extremely funny but well-played. Batista’s out now… is it a bad omen that Batista’s been the most interesting person on the show so far?

Vid break of Mick reading Tales of Wrescle Lane to kids at school, and then Booker beating the hell out of JBL.

Back, and Matthews does a 15-second introduction for… DEAD AIR!!! Man. If Byte This can ever get through a whole episode without technical problems, Rick will eat a bug. (I’m sure as hell not doing it.)

They decide to put over JBL while they’re trying to fetch Book back. Mark Lloyd decides to pull a Howard Finkel and give crap away for trivia… I predict, this is going to suck already.

Hey, Booker T’s on now! Blah blah blah, beating JBL wasn’t no thing, blah, I want the freakin’ belt, blah, JBL is smart, blah, JBL never defended the belt because he kept cheating, blah, the US Title is peanuts which is why I lost because I was too relaxed, blah, Cena pulled a Me and overestimated Carlito which is why he lost the belt so fast, blah, SmackDown! should get a Taboo Tuesday, blah, Tough Enough is good, blah blah blah.

Hello caller! “How’s Stevie Ray?” BURN!!! But still interesting. Bookie says he’s busy with Other Stuff, but you never know if he’ll come to the WWE.

Blah blah blah, Gym Zone is making a profit, blah, I want the WWE title, blah, FIVE-TIME FIVE-TIME SUCKA!!!, and Book’s out. Batista still holds the episode crown for Most Interesting Person; sad, ain’t it?

Vid break to the Gund Arena to hype Survivor Series (I hope I look as good as Vinny Mac in a suit when I hit that age… or hell, when I hit tomorrow), and Carlito beats Cena for the US belt.

Now on the phone, hopefully to save the show from the depths of its normal hell, is Carlito Appleseed. Carlito starts off strong, deliciously insulting both Mark and Josh. It’s so good, we’re going verbatim!

JM: “Is Mark Lloyd cool?”
“Is who cool?”
“Mark Lloyd.”
“I don’t think so, man. I don’t know the guy. If I don’t know the guy, he’s not cool. Only the people I know are the people who are cool.”
“So I’m cool then.” [shit-eating grin]
“Psh. You already know what I think about you, man.”

Okay, from now on, every episode of Byte This! needs to have one superstar insult Matthews, directly or indirectly.

Triple C says it’s cool that he’s the champ, and he’s single-handedly made SmackDown! better. He says he didn’t stab Cena, and everyone hates Carlito because they’re all jealous, so they try to bring his name down.

“If you’re not cool, I spit in your face.” I need to put that on a bumper sticker. Put that on a shirt and who knows? Maybe Rick will buy it.

Carlito interrupts the show because a chick is talking to him, then gets back on track by putting himself over.

Caller in, and asks who Triple C looked up to as a kid. He plays the massive Dick Card here, saying he didn’t look up to any of them, because no one is as cool as him, and he’s the first of his kind. Somewhere, Scott Hall rolls over in his grave. (I know he’s not technically dead, but he’s part of TNA; it’s the same thing, right?)

Josh AND Mark ask what the definition of cool is, and how they can go about becoming it. “Well, first of all Josh, I don’t see any way you can be cool, you know what I mean?” VERBATIM BURN!!! (Okay, Carlito needs to just be the third host of the show and just rip on Josh for the whole hour. THAT’S entertainment.) Trips to the C says that he’s the embodiment of cool, so to be cool, you just have to do EVERYTHING that he does. I’m going to go do an apple spit to the next person I see, because I wanna be cool.

New game on Byte This!! This is called Name A Superstar To Carlito And See If He’s Cool. Here we go! John Cena: proved not cool. Teddy Long: kinda cool. The Rock: not as cool as Carlito. Hollywood Hogan: still not as cool as Carlito.

Female caller in. How does Carlito feel when he knows that John Cena will be back to take his US Title from him? BURN ON CARLITO!!! And this caller rockets into number two as Most Interesting. (Triple C took the title from Batista within four seconds of the interview.) Carlito is all “It’s my belt, damnit! Cena can try anything he wants, and he’ll lose!” I think he’d spit in her face.

Next star for the game: Undertaker! “No way. Dead guys are not cool.” Damnit, I’m going to run out of space on my bumper. How about Rico? “I have no respect for… guys like that.” All right. Last one: JBL. “Kinda cool.”

Caller in… from Kuwait? Spiffy. The caller asks if Triple C is going to be the greatest wrestler ever, and Carlito is all “Damn right, Skippy.”

Final question is what fans can expect in the next two months. Carlito answers “a lot of cool things.” Wow. He’s out, and he DID save the show from the depths of hell.

Mark’s trivia question: what year did Bret Hart spit in Vince’s face? Good lord, I actually know that one, and so does ANYONE who knows any freakin’ thing about the screwjob. Caller in, and he nails it.

Mark and Josh talk about nothing for a minute, and Byte This! is done at 55:50. After that is the finish to RAW from this past week. A pretty average episode for the most part, and by “average,” I mean “shitty and boring.” I literally started falling asleep during writing this. Well, I suppose that could come from writing at 4:15 AM  when I don’t keep hours near Rick’s, but I digress.

Carlito’s segment is worth hearing, if you have 10 minutes or so. Batista’s segment was interesting in the sense that he was staying well in-character; I think he’s a better promo guy than most people realize. The rest of the show was worthless. Thumbs middle, and that’s thanks to Triple C.

Here’s to hoping that Byte This! gets SOMEWHAT intelligent or informative next week. It’s been done! I have faith!

And it’s 1997. If you didn’t know that, shame on you. Later all!



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