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Eric Bischoff with the Save?
November 11, 2004

by PyroFalkon
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


“Where the hell have you been, damnit? I went onto Online Onslaught last week to read the GREATEST Byte This! recap on the Internet – not that that’s a big accomplishment or anything – and what do I find? Nothing! Not even an explanation of where you went! Start talking, skippy, or we’ll just forget Byte This exists entirely!”

I know that’s what all you fans of my column (all three of you) are saying. Well, either you’re saying or it’s the voices in my Pitch Black bottle. Either way, trust me, I’m not excusing the fact I disappeared without telling anyone, Rick included. The explanation, however, is that I gave wwe.com way too much credit. See, I assumed that 

because I know that’s what all you fans of my column (all three of you) are saying. Well, either you’re saying or it’s the voices in my Pitch Black bottle. Either way, trust me, I’m not excusing the fact I disappeared without telling anyone, Rick included. The explanation, however, is that I gave wwe.com way too much credit. See, I assumed that because the WWE archived its last two episodes of Byte This! within minutes of them ending, that they would continue the trend. Instead, last week’s episode didn’t get archived until DAYS after it aired. Yeah yeah, I know I’m the personification of the phrase about “assume.”

Anyway, by the time it was archived, the weekend had come for me, and I got too backlogged with Weekend Plans. The beauty of BT, though, lies in the fact that missing an episode now and then does not harm anyone’s perception of the WWE. That is, not knowing the “results” of BT isn’t as big of a problem as not knowing what happened on RAW. I’d love to see the fallout of e-mail Rick would get if he decided one week to screw all of you and just skip the recap entirely.

Of course, that might harm his/our Shameless Begging. And I need OO, because it gives me some semblance of credibility as a writer. Well, as much credibility that can come from a site where I actually use “PyroFalkon” instead of my real name. But then, that’s what my review on IGN is for.

Anywho, now that I’m WAY off track… the point is, I’m going back to recapping this while watching it live which, due to my obsolete intellectual equipment, means I’ll probably have to watch BT twice to get everything recapped correctly with less than fifty-eight grammatical mistakes. But, it does mean I’ll be contributing to the bandwidth (however slightly) on a sure weekly basis. Woo hoo, or something.

And now, on with the show!

Mark Lloyd greets us, with Josh “I Try My Hardest To Annoy The Piss Out Of PyroFalkon” Matthews absent, but promised. According to Lloyd, we’re gonna have a PPV this Sunday! Sweet! We’re also going to recap some recaps of recapped crap, talk to a couple guys, and put over WWE’s shit like it’s the coolest thing this side of the pillow.

Already pissing me off not 2 minutes into it, Mark decides what the hell, let’s butcher a cliché. So he decides to say he’s going “mano a mano with all the fans for WWE Fantasy.” Look, I know I’m anal about language, but “mano a mano” means “hand to hand” or, less literally, “man to man” or “one on one.” How can Mark go one on one with ALL the fans? He’d either have to go one on one with a single fan, or one on many against all the fans. Idiot. But I guess that’s why 1) intellectuals don’t deal with the WWE, and 2) I’m proving my dorkdom since NOBODY IN THE UNIVERSE aside from me even care. Damnit, I hate my faults.

Okay, um… Mark prattles about Tough Enough, including listing the contestants-competing-to-be-fired-by-WWE by name. Then he prattles around about what happened on RAW, nothing important enough to repeat. Mark reports that Droz is sick, so he won’t be in today. That kinda blows, because although Droz’s appearances are a crapshoot week to week in intelligence, they’re still never as bad as anything Josh Matthews says. Droz has never IRRITATED me… he’s bored me, but he’s also said some really Tazz-ish insightful things too. The best Josh has ever gotten out of me is that he’s at times said things that DIDN’T make me want to punch him in the face for ten seconds.

Mark then proceeds to run down all of the WWE’s upcoming media. Edge’s book, the new WWE theme music CD coming out (if you want to give me a Christmas present, that’s on my list), a DVD entitled The Rise and Fall of ECW – which sounds cool – and the usual magazines.

Blah blah blah, poor Lita and Snitsky’s a “dirtbag,” blah blah blah, WWE Fantasy scores to piss me off, blah blah blah, WWE Fantasy will be PRIMED because of the PPV this Sunday~!!!, blah blah blah, WWE Fantasy will be resetting after Survivor Series and Mark himself will be playing, blah blah blah, more numbers, blah blah blah, video break.

We’re treated to the tail end of a match last year from Survivor Series involving Brock Lesnar and Big Show against John Cena and Chris Benoit.

We’re back, and we’ve got Rob Conway on the phone. Blah blah blah, we’re the tag champs and we’re the best ever, blah blah blah, it sucked to lose the belts but we knew we’d get them back, blah blah blah. Hey woah, he just gave a nifty factoid: they’ve held the belts longer than anyone since British Bulldog (RIP) and Owen Hart (RIP) since 1996. I wonder if that’s true.

The next few minutes are so boring that I’m not even going bother to tell you the GIST of what he said. A caller is in, and mentions that Rob Conway will face Eugene this Friday at an OVW event, and wonder how Rob feels about it. Conway, in one of the few flashes of continuity from the WWE, mentions that he’s annoyed at Eugene because he was the opponent of Eugene’s first career match. It was Rob’s “most embarrassing moment,” and since then Eugene’s been kinda his nemesis.

More boring, REALLY boring, crap. They come to a point where Mark asks about Sylvan singing the anthem before the matches, and Conway says that he’s an excellent singer. It sounded like Conway was trying to be funny, but it came across sounding like Conway was trying to sound like he was trying to sound funny. If that makes sense.

Caller number two in, this one a Canadian. He asks if Conway felt that the WWE was underpushing the tag team division. Smark answer: “No, because there’s not enough depth at the tag team division to warrant more airtime.” Conway answer: “Yes, because the WWE needs to show me more often. Ha ha. But seriously, we need more teams.” Does that mean smarks and Robert-with-a-silent-T agree?

Mark asks about how Rob would feel about the whole guest-GM thing that’s going to result from the main event this Sunday. Rob’s reply is, as per usual tonight, terribly boring. Then Mark asks him what he would do if he was in charge of RAW for one night. Rob says, “It would be, from 9 PM to 11 PM, on that Monday, two solid hours…” and I’m thinking, “ ‘of tag team action,’ how lame.” But what he says is “of honoring the French-Canadians.” He even fantasy books The Mountie to do a spot, and the mention of the name makes his theme music play in my head. Damn you Rob Conway for making that happen! Oh, and he says he’d have him and Sylvan in a 60-minute Iron Man Tag Team match. That might be cool… hasn’t been done, and it’s probably much easier to have two guys per team go 30 minutes each than one guy go 60 minutes himself.

He’s out, and he’s frickin’ boring to the end. And now we go to break.

Ending of RAW this week. Blah.

Josh is in, and let’s start counting how many times I want to give him a solid kick in the head! This’ll be a new game, or something.

Josh starts by saying he’s like the Undertaker (1) because he pops in and out with lights going out and everything. He bitches at Mark for wearing a jacket (2), who bitches back at Josh for wearing a sweater. “Why are you wearing a sweater, Josh?” “Because it’s cold.” “Well why do you think I’m wearing a jacket?” “Uh…” (3)

Mark asks him about his match, and he won, so he’s undefeated and is thinking about “hanging ‘em up” (4) so he goes out a winner (5). Both of them talk about the SmackDown! side of the Survivor Series lineup, nothing worth repeating.

Mark talks about a new thing on wwe.com called WWE Jukebox that lets you see some old matches for a fee, and asks if Josh knew about it. Josh says yes, because he runs wwe.com (6).

They discuss WWE Fantasy (7), and Josh repeats what Mark already said (8). Mark’s all, “I already said that.” Josh is all, “Sorry, the computer in my car is broken so I couldn’t hear what you already talked about.” It would be cool if he ended it there, but instead follows that up with “Yeah, I have the Internet in my car now!” (9)

The next guest is AWOL, so the hosts’ filler is to repeat EVERYTHING they’ve talked about concerning the stip of the Survivor Series main event. Then they talk about Million Dollar Tough Enough (10) and that there’s a spoiler on the site who’s been tossed off the island for this week. Josh and Mark unfortunately talk about who they like from the remaining contestants.

A caller is in and congratulates Josh Matthews for his win, and says that he’s the future of the WWE and an inspiration to “guys his size.” (1 special one for the caller) He asks who the best team of all four-man teams is for Survivor Series, both RAW and SD included. Josh picks Team Eddie (11). And we’re going to break, and as we do, Josh says he needs coffee (12).

Hype vid for the main event on Survivor Series. Man, you’d think this was Wrestlemania or something with how much they’re hyping it.

We’re back, and Eric Bischoff is on. He’s asked if the vacation is started, and Eric replies no, but it will start “exactly 12:01 AM on Sunday after the pay-per-view.” Here comes more of my anal-retentive bitching about Command of the Language, but 12:01 AM on Sunday is BEFORE the PPV. He meant to say 12:01 AM on MONDAY after the PPV. Idiot. But Eric’s charisma makes up for it.

Josh asks if Eric’s got anything planned for the vacation. He’s going to head to a Hawaii beach to chill for the whole month. Mark asks if he’s going to take Josh. Eric replies that he’s going to take his wife, and says that he knows of a trailer park with a pool in Florida that Josh should go to, because that’s the closest Josh will ever get to Hawaii, which only makes partial sense. But you know, it looks like the WWE has followed my advise: it seems that they’ve got at least one of their guests verbally bitch-slapping Josh on a weekly basis, something I encourage in the absence of actual bitch-slaps or kicks. Josh then says the trailer park pool doesn’t sound too bad (13).

Mark asks if Eric likes his new haircut, and he says yes. He even cut it a little shorter this week, because he likes it that way, and to hell with his old style. Mark laughs and says Eugene did a number on Eric, surprising everyone that his hair came out white. Eric says “It’s not white, numbnuts, it’s silver.” Wow, that delivery made it extremely funny! More Bischoff, less Conway!

Josh asks if Eric liked Taboo Tuesday, and he said he liked the concept. Weird… he must be in Actor Mode, because that was definitely out of character. He says they gotta push the envelope somehow, and they did with Taboo Tuesday both in concept and execution.

Caller in, who asks if Eric was embarrassed about the whole head-shaving thing. He stretches the answer “yes” into a solid minute of blathering.

Josh asks him about the whole guest-GM stip and everything. He says he did it for two reasons. The first is because he likes chaos, especially because of a phrase he says he coined: “controversy creates cash.” He says that it’s especially true regarding the “wrestling business.” Rick made me realize something several weeks ago: people involved in wrestling rarely call it wrestling. They just call it “the business” or “the industry,” but Bischoff broke tradition here. Weird. Anyway, Eric’s other reason was to simply get a vacation. Heh.

Caller in, asks why Eric is suddenly having a change of heart, and who he thinks is going to win the main event. He says he doesn’t care who wins, and that plays into the first part of the question. He simply doesn’t give a damn about Vince McMahon, the wrestlers, or the refs anymore. So he’s done trying to please everyone else, since kissing Evolution’s ass didn’t do any good, and trying to make RAW better didn’t give him more slack with Vinny Mac. So while it may appear as a “change of heart,” it’s really a “change of perspective.”

PyroFalkon’s stupidly random (but short) aside: Good gravy, this was an EXCELLENT 70 seconds of talk, especially considering it was improv’ed. Eric was so freakin’ cool… not Carlito-type cool, but cool under pressure, I guess. It was a VERY well delivered and well-said bit, and Eric appropriately did not sound anxious. It’s tough to explain without hearing it… he didn’t speak excited, but he didn’t speak boring like Conway (and most Byte This! guests for that matter) did. It was as smooth as if James Bond was doing the talking. Wow.

Josh wants Eric’s view of any match on Survivor Series just to talk. Eric puts over Booker T and JBL, Heidenrich and the Taker, and Eddie and Angle. Eric puts over Heidenrich some more on Josh’s prompt (14).

Mark wants to know about Shelton Benjamin against Christian. Eric says that Captain Charisma will become Captain Crash soon because of SB’s skill. (Did he mean Crash Holly? Nah, that would be too obscure.)

Josh asks if Eric will be working on his vacation (15). Eric says yes, he’ll be working on his tan and waistline. Josh then tries to pressure Eric into talking about something I’m not Smarky enough to know about. Eric says he tries to keep his “other business” separate from the wrestling business, and will continue to do so, so he’s just looking forward to Survivor Series. Huh. I wonder what that is. If I did some research, I’d find it, but I’m too lazy to care.

Mark says that WWE Jukebox is showing a match of Eric’s, where he teamed with Hulk Hogan against DDP and Jay Leno. Eric laughs and says he remembers it well. “God, I beat the hell out of Kevin Eubanks and Jay Leno that night, and afterwards Hulk and I jumped on our Harleys and went out drinking.” That was funny, too!

Eric’s out, and Josh and Mark talk about Eric’s vacation.

Mark: “Who gets a 4-week vacation?”
Josh: “I don’t know… Unemployed people?” (16)

We’re done, and the closer is a trailer to Blade: Trinity, the third movie of the Blade series staring Wesley Snipes. Triple H gets fourth billing as the main baddie, and man he’s acting like a freak in that one. Quite appropriate too.

So I’m done, with another kinda short recap. The entire first half was freakin’ irritating and boring. Josh Matthews’s appearance at the halfway mark just annoyed the crap out of me for the rest of it, as expected. Eric Bischoff’s entire segment spanned from decent to freakin’ awesome, so he saved the show from the depths of hell, but it wasn’t enough to make me forget about the lameness that was 45 minutes.

So this episode gets a thumb down, but it’s not straight down; more of a 45-degree angle. While you may want to check out Bischoff’s segment, it wasn’t really THAT earth-shattering (save the 70-second answer to the second caller).

And with that, I’m outta here. Josh has earned 16 solid kicks from me, and he was only here for half the show. Tune in next week to see how many more he earns!

Later on, all.



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PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
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SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
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RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28




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