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Byte This: Catch the Fever!
And The Flu!
December 2, 2004

by PyroFalkon
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


Twice in ten recaps I have started off intending to say one thing, but ended up calling an audible before writing. This time I was going to start by mentioning that my Thanksgiving was kind of lame. Not because of the people, because I went with my girlfriend to her family’s (it’s great, because my family is too friggin’ formal), and they all rock. But I didn’t watch any football, and I ate only a little food to kick off my Unlimited Eating Days (which last from Thanksgiving Day through the Super Bowl). We’re talking a little turkey here, some mashed potatoes there, and two (2) celery sticks. Let me say for the record that the crappiest thing in the world is to be sick with the flu during family togetherness… at least I didn’t vomit until after I was back in my own house.

But as I said, I was going to go into more detail in that, but I have a much more fun story to share. My girlfriend, god bless her, is the purest mark in the world for wrestling. She doesn’t think while watching it, doesn’t give a shit about workrate or who’s getting more screen time or anything. She’s asked me things like how they managed to fake

it when Big Show chokeslammed Kurt Angle onto concrete months ago, and how it’s possible two guys can get into a submission hold without actually hurting each other. My girlfriend, who I’ll call Meagan for reasons you don’t care about, is not stupid; she just doesn’t care.

But it’s for the reason that she is not stupid AND doesn’t care that some very amusing things come about. Not all of them are pleasant, such as her insisting on pointing out to me that several wrestlers who wear short tights have large penises. She went on in detail to tell me that Randy Orton seems to be “presenting his package to everybody,” and that “Chris Benoit doesn’t look nearly as big,” and that “the fact that Benoit looks small and has big in-ring skills means that Orton looks big and has…” Well, I think you see where she’s going.

However, she can be extremely witty without realizing it. See, I don’t watch RAW until Tuesdays usually, giving me as much time-shifting freedom as I damn well please. Orton was introducing the Decorative But Useless Divas in the ring, and I jokingly told Meagan that she can watch it while I go and make some popcorn. Meagan is one of those wrestling fans who watches every segment without ever time-shifting, so she watched Orton and the other girls parade around the ring. I heard them taking off their clothes (if that’s possible), generally bored as I got the popcorn ready.

And then from in the living room, Meagan says “Well great, NOW he’s gotta go to the bathroom and masturbate for the rest of the show.”

After doing a spit take that resulted in Mountain Dew nearly buttering the popcorn, I went back into the living room to see what precisely triggered that comment, in case there was a wardrobe malfunction or something. Meagan said that it was Randy Orton’s “gay-ass grin” when Christy Hemme told him to take the dress off her that told her he was too excited about being there, and that he probably needed to go strangle the one-eyed snake for awhile.

And it then occurred to me why the WWE is pushing Orton so much. They believe that Orton is their poster boy for their target 12- to 14-year-old demographic! Dumb, no wrestling talent, and ready to masturbate at TV-PG strip teases with underwear too elaborate for a spur-of-the-moment display. (That could also explain why Orton presents his package every night.) Out of the mouths of babes… or a single babe, as the case may be. Maybe it was that comment, or just because I’m more tolerant, but the rest of the night wasn’t nearly as bad to me as it was to Rick. Either way, I’m going to be smiling at the image of Orton calling it an early night for that purpose for a long time. It just seems so… him.

Okay, enough with that. You’ll notice (maybe) that I’ve changed the format of my recap a bit to match Rick’s. This isn’t out of sucking up, it’s to make things look a little more organized and little less throw-words-at-the-paper-and-see-what-sticks. This isn’t an indication of me trying to copy or be Rick, but he’s told me in an e-mail exchange that he hasn’t been accused enough of being the same person as Erin Anderson. So, if you think he and Erin inhabit the same body, e-mail him!

Late Start, Opening Video, Guest Rundown, WWE Media

Marc Loyd without any facial hair opens 8 minutes late, but Josh is too busy pulling a Randy Orton and is stuck in the bathroom, not to be seen. Coming into the show tonight is Eddie Guerrero, Eugene, Candace “The Worthless ‘Makeup Artist’ ” Michelle, and Trevor Potter (who?). Magazines, blah blah blah, RAW was SO controversial!!!, blah blah blah, Marc was SUPER SHOCKED that Batista didn’t win the FANTASTIC Battle Royal!, blah blah blah. The ECW Episode, this ain’t.

Trevor Potter Calls From Hogwarts

Who the fuck is Trevor Potter? Why, it’s the winner of WWE Fantasy Season 1! I’m sure as shit not writing about this. Let’s move on.

Video Break 1 (WWE Fantasy crap, 24/7 hype)

Droz’s 10 Cents

Droz is in to talk about… um, RAW. If you thought RAW was stupid, Droz packages the stupid, adds to it, mixes in some boring, vomits it out, and presents it to us on a used diaper. He talks about general thoughts on next week, when Jericho takes over, and that’s about it.

Caller in, and asks if Droz will appear on television again. Droz turns “maybe” into 2 minutes of blathering.

Marc steers the conversation to SmackDown!, which Droz also drones about. Droz discusses strategy about the fatal four-way match, or something… I don’t know. I’ve stopped paying attention. I think they talk about WWE Fantasy here, but the sound of me bashing my head in with a hammer was too loud.

Video Break 2 (Angle from RAW with Maven bitching)

Retards shouldn’t touch electrical devices

Marc comes from break by hyping Triple H, his movie, and his book. He says we’re going to get Eugene, but he’s not on the phone, so he hypes Eugene and Regal’s title defense, then wastes a couple more minutes of talking who else is coming up. Eugene apparently doesn’t know how to operate a telephone, so we go to…

Video Break 3 (Eddie and Bookie beating the shit out of JBL and OJ, then losing to the Bashams)

Viva La Stoned!

Eddie’s on, but sounds… wasted? Tired? I don’t know, nor do I care. Marc asks him if he’s seen the ECW DVD, but Eddie hasn’t. Marc asks what he misses the most from ECW, and Eddie says he misses the backroom environment. Eddie sells himself on winning the Fatal Four-way match. Yay.

Caller in, asks a stupid question, gets a stupid answer. Eddie somehow manages to turn “What was your favorite match?” to “hype shitty life and DVD of said shitty life.” No disrespect intended to Eddie here, but it was a little too much of a stretch to get the conversation on his DVD.

Female caller in, who immediately gets hit on. She asks how he’ll prepare for the match against three guys, instead of one guy. Eddie oversimplifies his opponents’ styles, and then says the way he’s gotta go in is… POSITIVE!!! Not for substance abuse (this time), but rather optimistic that he’s going to win. He AGAIN manages to twist his answer into “I’ve improved my life!,” and I’m getting more bored by the second. Is it over yet?

Eddie and Marc put over WWE SmackDown! Magazine, since Eddie and Rey are the cover boys of it. It’s all about Latino Power, or something. After more boring crap, Eddie’s out. Man, that was lame.

Video Break 4 (Blade: Trinity trailer)

It’s E-U-G-E-N-E!!!

Eugene asks if he’s on the radio, then celebrates when Marc tells him he’s on Byte This!. Eugene said he’s late because he went to get milk, but got distracted by a Chuck E. Cheese, and went in to play ski-ball. Aw. He’s says he likes being a title holder and Regal, and the battle royal was fun. He said it was really fun when he threw Maven out, and doesn’t understand why Maven’s pissed. After all, Eugene only threw Maven over the top rope, and Maven threw Sylvan over, so why is Maven bitter? Then he says he wants to get the My Name Is Eugene DVD or something, but he only gets enough allowance from Regal to buy crayons and popsicles.

Someone from the BT chat room asks Eugene who he idolized as a kid, but Marc has to explain what “idolize” means. Eugene answers Ronald McDonald. After Marc clarifies the question, Eugene answers the Bulldog, Randy Savage (pulling an “Ohhhh yeah!!!”), and a few others.

Caller on, who asks who Eugene would face if he could. Eugene asks if Doink the Clown counts, but the caller says no, so he says Maven. Apparently, by Eugene’s logic, a match will clear the air between them. All righty.

Marc decides to play Word Association game with Eugene. Regal: my friend. Maven: mean. Trish Stratus: Regal doesn’t allow him to say that word. Steve Austin: rattlesnake. Triple H: The Game, and mean. Christy Hemme: rocks! Vince McMahon: the boss. The Rock: best friend. Hulk Hogan: red and yellow. Undertaker: the opening gong from his music. Heh. Marc says he gives Eugene an A+, and Eugene celebrates… and then leaves? Well, that was fun, but completely pointless.

Marc decides to end the show on a low note by talking about his WWE Fantasy picks. And we’re out to…

Outro video (ending from 11/29/04 RAW)

Hey, no Candace Michelle! Okay, so maybe Byte This! wasn’t entirely worthless… but it was damn close.

Rick posited that the ECW episode was not a blueprint for anything, but I think he actually dissented from himself within the same sentence by saying it rocked because it focused on ECW. I think Byte This! would be infinitely better simply by FOCUSING on ONE topic every week. You can still have different guests, like two weeks ago showed. But instead, BT is just a hype show… or at least it was this week, worse than usual.

I mean, think about it. A cruiserweight episode to enhance the division and fuel some of the feuds. Or a diva episode, so the gals can bitch out-of-character how lame the WWE was for firing Gail, Jazz, and Nidia. You can still have Droz drone about both shows, and they can still piss me off with WWE Fantasy, but if you have a theme for every show (and allow the guys to talk out-of-character), the show becomes a) more interesting, and b) a little faster-paced.

Oh by the way, sorry about not knowing Triple H’s book title or what precisely the My Name Is Eugene thing is, but I fucked up when I set my computer to record and didn’t get it, and I have shitty short-term memory.

So anyway, I think this week’s Byte This! brought back some of the flu I had so graciously vomited, so I may have to take this entire weekend to recover. Shit.

Thumbs down. Eugene’s bit was funny, but completely unfulfilling. Everything else? Stupid, grating, and boring.



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