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Lita and Regal Steal the Show
December 16, 2004

by PyroFalkon
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


Could someone please tell me what the hell is wrong with me? If you look at the stats for Armageddon, you’ll see that I only got two matches right. And those two matches are the ones EVERYONE got right. Seriously… 18 writers participated, and all 18 of us picked RVD and Rey to go over Kenzo and Rene. But the other five matches? Just pick the opposite of what I did, and you’re guaranteed to be a winner!

Don’t you understand, people? I’m trying to BELONG here! I’m trying to show that I DESERVE to be an OO writer! Not just because of the stunning good looks and the artful command of The Language, but because I know what I’m talking about! I wrote a spoiler for SmackDown!, dammit! That should count for something, right? RIGHT???

Sigh. I guess I’ll just have to continue deluding myself that there are wonderful people like you who read my Byte This! recaps every week, and you’re faithful and cheer me on. Maybe if I say it enough, it’ll come true… I have as many fans as Rick, I have as many fans as Rick, I have as many fans as Rick…

Obligatory Opening Media Hype, Guest Rundown, and “How To Piss Off Pyro 101”

Hey, they changed the opening video! They even have an OLD shot of Molly Holly, back when she was blond and, you know, attractive.

Marc Loyd is hanging around, and there’s no Josh Mathews for the third time in a row. I must have made ONE ally over at Titan Towers. Lita, William Regal, and Triple H will be our guests, and because Marc mentions Triple H, he’s got to mention the book, movie, and Conan appearance.

Marc switches gears and celebrates that he’s ranked number 93 in WWE Fantasy… out of 94, probably. He wants us to buy The Rise and Fall of ECW, which is still on my Christmas list. He goes a little into Trips’s book, promising he’ll ask him about it, and says that if you buy it online, you get a free WORKOUT TOWEL! Tilde bang!

Marc mentions that this is the last Byte This! for the year. They’re taking two weeks off. How the hell am I supposed to pick up chicks if they only let me recap 20 shows per year? Come on guys, I’m desperate!

He talks about the World Title picture, and I don’t recap recapping of recaps. He “hypes” SmackDown! by saying that Tough Enough is over and someone got it. Whoopie. We’re going to…

Video Break 1: Hype for SD because… well, Tough Enough is ending. Also, it advertises The Best of RAW 2004 next week. A third commercial hypes New Year’s Revolution. Thanks to Erin, I know I’m probably NOT going to be watching it. Viva 24!

Droz’s 12 Cents

First minute: WWE Fantasy. After that, Armageddon recap, including putting JBL over. He personally insults me by saying he pulled a Jonathan Leung and picked all seven matches right in his column, further burying me into the ground. They talk about the Elimination Chamber, and Droz said he was surprised about Bischoff announcing it. It’s further proof that everyone in the WWE should read OO more.

They spend a bit of time talking about Batista, and I’d like to credit myself for actually realizing something. If you check out this Byte This! recap of mine, I credit Batista for being a “better promo guy than everyone realizes.” I had the first sounds of Batista coming out and impressing everyone! Yeah! Who’s stupid now?

Droz did better on WWE Fantasy than Marc, so as Droz clicks off, he gives a parting shot insulting Marc’s intelligence. That makes me feel a little better inside. He’s out, and so are we to…

Video Break 2: Lita kills herself two weeks ago but wins the women’s title.

The winner for Most Interesting Person on Byte This! goes to… Lita!

Lita’s in, and maybe she won’t pimp her pussies like last time. They chat a bit about her win and how wonderful it is.

Now we go to something that’s actually interesting. They make me feel uncomfortable in my pants because they show the clip of the dive that will live in infamy, and Marc asks Lita what exactly happened. Lita doesn’t pull an Erin by going into physics, but she did have a semi-interesting though… She says that there’s more room around the ring on the ramp side and the old commentators’ side, which is left and right respectively from the standard camera angle. When she dove, it was to the short side of the ring, and she didn’t really realize the distance until she was airborne. She says she spiked herself into the ground AFTER making contact, which doesn’t seem accurate. To me it looks like she dove straight down, it wasn’t the contact that made it. Anyway, and she heard the crowd die from the shock of seeing it. As Chad Patton was counting the 10-count, Lita caught the replay on the Titantron and realized how scary it was. However, adrenaline was running through her, and it took some effort just to get back into the ring, but once she did, she way okay. She took a lot ice, massaging (which I would have helped with if I was there), and was hopped up on anti-inflammatory pills, but she’s okay now. Now see? THIS is a great Byte This! segment! It’s not that hard, WWE!

Marc pulls a Todd and asks, just for the sake of confirming, that she DID take physical damage from the fall. Because as you know—and as EVERYONE in the world has had at least once—sometimes you take a fall or a blow that may look sick, but is actually not that bad once it’s said and done. Lita replies that she got a hot tub as an early Christmas present and has been using it extensively to try to repair her neck the last two weeks (lucky water). There are no breaks or muscle tears or anything, but there is a lot of soreness. Something tells me that Lita is friggin’ lucky about that, especially after her broken neck however many years ago. Remember, every time you injure yourself, the chance of that part of your body being hurt again increases substantially. Just ask Kurt Angle.

Marc changes gears and hypes the feud between Lita and Trish, and he asks why it’s so successful. Lita answers that it’s because there’s just a lot of electricity in the feud, and even if a fan likes both of them, the matches are good and fun to watch. I’ll interject here and say that it’s also interesting because THERE’S NO OTHER FEUD IN THE WOMEN’S “DIVISION.” I hate you, WWE. I want my Gail Kim back.

Marc brings the Suck by goading Lita to talk about Snitsky and the Wall O’ Fire. She says that Kane told her to deliver a message before RAW. She loses her balls and says that she doesn’t like pissing off Kane, so when “he says to deliver a message, I’ll march out there and deliver that message.” She says that we don’t know when we’ll see Kane or the next Kane sighting, but after Monday’s pyro, he’s not that far off. In other news, reports have circulated about the destruction of pro wrestling fans’ houses due to falling pieces of large chunks of metal. More at 11.

Now we go to another interesting question. It’s interesting because it asks Lita to sort of improv about her CHARACTER. March asks how the relationship is between her and Kane. Lita laughs and says she wouldn’t really call it that, but “we’ll see after he comes back.” Dodge!

Marc puts a hell of a spin on the next question. He says that a lot of people in the instant feedback room (the Internet chat room that’s active when BT airs) are asking for Lita’s thoughts on how the women’s “division” changed. Marc says, “Obviously they mean it’s changed for the better, but HOW has it changed for the better?”

Translation: “Lita, the fans are asking how it feels to be left with only three other women in the E who have any sort of talent aside from being busty. However, the E signs our paychecks and we can’t risk speaking out against them, so don’t say anything negative about the worthless Diva Search Losers or the loss of Gail Kim, who PyroFalkon has a man-crush for both in talent and looks. Instead, waste everyone’s time and pretend to act like you’re excited about how much more elite you look because you’re one of the few left.”

Lita actually stumbles for words, probably because she’s actually trying to find something to talk about that won’t be considered mutinous by the WWE. Lita actually kind of dodges and says that the last time women were in the main event, it was when she faced and beat Stephanie McMahon for the belt. But, as she points out, that match featured The Rock as the ref, and there were a lot of shenanigans going on with Kurt Angle and Triple H during the match, and it “succeeded” because of its star power. On the flip side, her match with Trish succeeded and was carried because of the work both of them put into it. It didn’t take an eyebrow, gold medal, or spit take to keep the fans interested. She says that she hopes fans see that it was all her and Trish who MADE that match, and that the women’s division wouldn’t have been given that opportunity before.

PyroFalkon’s aside, because I’m a prick: Okay, we all know this is partly horseshit. Yeah, Lita’s right that she and Trish REALLY put on a kick ass show. But I still have this nagging feeling in the back of my mind that the only reason the WWE did it was to help disguise the fact that they’ve slashed the “division” in less than half. Put on a great women’s match, and you make fans forget that Gail and Jazz contributed in ways that Maria and Joy will never be able to in a million years. That’s what we at OO are for, though: making sure you all don’t lose sight that we lost a hell of a technical wrestler who could put pretty much anyone into a submission hold from any angle and make it look painful, and we lost a power wrestler who brings something unique and heelish to the table.

Okay, my bitching is done for now. Marc asks who Lita would like to have a dream match with, past or present superstars accepted. Lita says “I think it happened two weeks ago.” NICE! It puts over Trish too. Although I still would have preferred the answer “All the RAW Divas aside from Lillian, Trish, Victoria, and Molly, versus me with a sledgehammer in a No DQ Ironman match.”

Lita actually furthers her answer and says she’d like to step it up by having another match with Trish, but one in a cage or a ladder match. As she says that, Marc actually MIRRORS my facial expression (remember, Byte This! is a video feed too); both our eyes widened as she said that. As Lita says, it’s never been done before. With the new WWE “safe” wrestling, I think it actually plays well into seeing a women’s ladder match. I’m not saying they COULDN’T put on something like Hardys/Edge and Christian, but even they put on a show like HBK/Razor Ramon II, it would rock. I think both of them would be able to handle it, although Lita will have do some serious training and rehearsing for any bumps or dives she’d be doing.

But seriously: if the guys can put on wicked ladder and TLC matches, why haven’t the women been given a chance to? It seems women gimmick matches involve pools of liquid, or the stupid housekeeping match or whatever between Chyna and Jarrett. Yeah! Give Lita and Trish a gimmick match for their rematch WWE! I want to see ladders or tables or SOMETHING. Maybe a hardcore, falls count anywhere match that ends up going to the backstage? Or maybe reverse the joke and have them brawling and they wind up in the men’s locker room while the guys are taking showers or something. It would be freakin’ hilarious to see someone like Rosey or Eugene grabbing a towel and quickly covering themselves because the women have broken in.

Shit, that was a second aside, wasn’t it?

Anyway, Lita says that she’s happy she and Trish made and are making wrestling history and stuff, so Marc switches gears again. He mentions that Lita’s got two items for sale in WWE auction, including the black wedding dress, both autographed. I know Rick is against the whole WWE auction thing, but if the money goes to charity, it’s not AS pathetic. I mean yeah, the divas’ lingerie from two or three weeks ago was pretty stupid and cheesy, but stuff like Lita’s wedding dress would make a neat “trophy” for a collector, wouldn’t it?

Last question for Lita is what’s next for her. She says she’s feeling good about her career and her personal life, so she’s just going to keep on with what she’s doing. She says that she’s going to be hanging out in North Carolina relaxing, and her mom is even going to be going to her. That is, she’s not going to be traveling at all for her holiday vacation, since she does enough of it for her job.

Lita’s clicks off after Marc goads her into saying she’ll kick ass for him because she’s on his WWE Fantasy team. Man, that was a hell of a segment overall. Oh, and, uh, sorry for channeling Lawler twice there. Couldn’t help myself, man, Lita’s cute. She’s no Gail Kim, but she’s certainly no “Butterface” Dawn Marie either.

Video Break 3: SmackDown! recap of RVD and Rey beating Kenzo and Rene to win the belts.

It’s time to play the very boring and predictable Game!

Triple H is on, and opens strong. “Is this Floyd?” “It’s Marc LOYD, not Floyd!” “Oh, Marc Loyd. Right. You work for us?” “Yeah, even though I wasn’t invited to the movie premier!” “Oh yeah, you. Well, they screwed up the address on the invitation and it got sent back.” Simple and funny opening. Gotta love it.

So we start out by hyping Blade: Trinity. Trips just puts over it all, blah blah blah. He says that Ryan Reynolds took most of the fight, but the running powerslam we see over and over again, Reynolds did NOT take that one. A stunt man did twice, and Trips said “I absolutely killed him both times.” Man, Reynolds is a pussy. And I liked him in Two Guys, when it was still called Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pizza Place. That show went so downhill after the first season.

Wait a second, this is a Byte This recap. Damn me and my random tangents. Anywho, they go a LONG time talking about the movie and how cool it is that Trips does his own stunts. Someone hits the wrong button and sends a caller into the studio, a female who just says “Hello?” and then clicks off, and they go on. Weird.

They go for another long time about his book. Really, to me the only interesting thing to me is hearing his voice. I noticed that when Triple H is being calm and himself—you know, out of character—he sounds less gritty and insane. He sounds fairly normal, aside from having a deep voice.

They transition to other crap he’s doing, and I’m not going to go over any of it. You can listen to it if you’re a Triple H fanboy.

Marc asks if Triple H likes doing all the promotion, and he says that in the “wrestling business,” promotion is almost as much as the matches and itself. They can’t see the matches if they don’t know about them, for example.

Marc says fans in the chat room are asking Trips how he’s doing everything. He took the wrestling part of his life and just ADDED to it, and didn’t REPLACE it. Trips says that fans don’t understand it because they’ve “seen it done many times before where guys will stop wrestling to do other stuff… but that’s not a knock on anyone who HAS, no sir! But if they go to Hollywood or write books and forget about what got them to the big dance in first place, it makes the fans pissed.” As subtle as a rhino in a pink tutu prancing on its hind legs in the middle of my house, Trips.

Caller in who basically attaches her lips firmly to Trips’s ass and asks if he’s going to be acting anymore. He turns “yes” into a minute of blathering, as per normal for BT guests.

After the caller is off, Trips hypes himself by saying that he’s a nice guy when signing autographs and all that, but he’s all business when it comes to the Elimination Chamber. Luckily, Batista will have his back, so it will be Evolution’s night. Hm.

Marc says that Trips and Y2J may have the advantage because of the six who are involved, only those two have any experience in it. Trips says it may be a disadvantage, because the match can shorten careers. Apparently in the last one, Rob Van Dam jumped off the thing and landed on Trips’s throat, and he had to spend a night in the hospital with a tube in his throat helping him breathe. Yeouch.

Triple H wraps up by thanking the fans of the WWE for their support, and he promises that he’ll never turn his back to the WWE. Marc stresses his name again and says he hosts Bottom Line every week. Trips is all “Yeah, I know, Marc Floyd, I watch you all the time.” Okay, it’s a little less funny now. Marc says take care, and Trips ends with “Yeah, thanks man. See ya later, Mike.” Hey, it’s funny again!

Video Break 4: Eugene and Regal win the tag belts on RAW.

Welcome to Masterpiece Theatre, hosted by William Regal.

Marc welcomes Regal to the webwaves and says “Congrats on winning! It was a great victory in front of your home crowd, wasn’t it?” Regal says “No.” After a VERY awkward silence, Marc says “All right. You go everywhere and the fans love you.” Regal says “Well yeah, but we didn’t win the belts in Manchester. We had them for a moment and then Bischoff took them away from us. Do your homework!” If you watch the video, you can actually see Marc doing his best to try to make his facial expression not give away the fact that he realizes he was an idiot. Marc says “Don’t worry, we do our best around he on Byte This!.” Regal replies “Okay! Wonderful!”

Marc asks if Regal would have been as good of friends with Eugene if he hadn’t been ordered to watch over him. Regal’s all “Not a chance. I would have avoided him like the plague because I’m a dirty rotten scoundrel.” He says hanging around Eugene has increased his tolerance and understanding for people, but he’s still rotten to the core. He’s a little nicer, but that’s the only change. “I have to thank Eric Bischoff for that. What a sweet thing to do.” If I was a female, I’d be getting wet at that sexy British accent of his.

Regal blathers about Eugene, saying that Eugene knew most of his wrestling ability already, and Regal just had to fine-tune him to make him a competitor. That lasts about three minutes for one sentence, and I start falling asleep.

Marc asks if he and Eugene celebrated that night. Regal, in the most deadpan voice ever, says that he and Eugene did in fact celebrate. They took Tajiri along and went to a gas station to fill up their rental car. Regal had a bag of cashews, some Cracker Barrel sharp cheese, and a pint of chocolate milk. Marc’s says “That was a hell of a night!” And Regal says “Yeah, it was pure excitement,” with the precise tone of voice you’d use for saying “the toilet is clogged.” He says that if he was younger, he’d probably be up for three days straight and probably be in prison for three weeks afterwards, but not anymore. He says that his exciting superstar life fully revolves around cashews and chocolate milk. This wouldn’t have been nearly as funny without his deadpan delivery. Excellent!

Regal is asked if he’s read Trips’s book. He says he’s glanced through it, but not actually read it through. He said Trips got all his tips on abs from Regal, which Marc calls bullshit on with a laugh. Regal basically asks why Marc asked him that, and Marc says that Trips is always complimentary to Regal and says what an asset he is. Regal says that he knows Trips compliments him all the time, and that if he and Trips stayed together, they would have made one of the greatest tag teams ever. But Eric Bischoff broke them up in WCW and ended up sending Trips to the WWE. That all said, he and Trips had a falling out in the summer over Eugene… damn it, why do they always have to be in character on BT?

Marc starts to ask a question and opens by saying “Regal, why…” Regal says not to call him by his surname… He explains that in England, people only refer to each other’s surnames as a serious putdown, like how an upper class snob would refer to someone below them. He says that when he first came to the States, he couldn’t believe that people here always called each other by their last names, and he’s still uncomfortable doing it. Huh, I didn’t know that.

So Marc tries the question again: “William, what would you be doing if you weren’t wrestling?” William basically says that he doesn’t know; possibly he’d be with his roguish friends. He wouldn’t be living a life of crime, per se, but a life of “no good.”

They’re basically done, and Marc asks William about his holiday plans. William swerves and says that Thanksgiving doesn’t mean anything to him since he’s English, but since he’s living in the States he still celebrates the holiday. He says there’s always an argument in his family about who gets the turkey legs, because there’s five in his family: him, his wife, and his three sons. He says to solve that problem, he bred a special five-legged turkey, but couldn’t catch it to kill and cook it. And again, not nearly as funny if his delivery wasn’t freakin’ awesome.

Marc thanks him for closing out the show, but William doesn’t seem ready to leave. “Does anyone else have a question, or a joke, or anything?” Marc says no, but promises to yell at “the guy who called you ‘Regal.’ ” William demonstrates his culture by saying, “Would you up to Vince McMahon and say ‘Hey McMahon?’ Would you go up to a random person in the street and call them by their surname? It’s very, very rude.” Don’t worry, if William Regal is ever on BT again, I’ll call him “William.” But I will still call Josh “Mathews” when I feel like it.

Marc wishes all of us happy holidays, and Byte This! is out.

Outro Video: ending of December 13, 2004 RAW.

This was a decent episode, much better than the shit they were producing the last few weeks. I highly recommend you listen to Lita’s interview; it was easily the best of the four. William’s was good too. Droz was boring as usual, and Triple H’s was boring unexpectedly. Thumbs mostly up, I guess.

And with that, I’m out of here for two freakin’ weeks. I want something to do, damn it! If Rick can’t find anything for me, though, I guess I’ll see you in 2005. Should that happen, merry Christmas and happy new year, all!



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