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No Such Thing as Too Much Ric(k)
January 7, 2005

by PyroFalkon
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


Ladies and gentlemen, I never thought I’d say these five words:

Rick Scaia is a pussy.

There, I said it. Sure, he can hold his alcohol better than me, and he has far more nerves and guts than I do. He’s probably more trustworthy in a foxhole than I am too. And let’s not get started on his friggin’ stamina of writing a thousand columns in the span of two weeks. But here’s what he said in a parenthetical   

comment a few columns ago: “[…] kids, I'm not one to bitch, but if I never have to see 20 inches of that shit dumped on me at one time again, I'll be happy.” And let’s not forget his follow-up yesterday: “[…] idiot Ohio weather […] spends 3 days near 60 degrees, and NOW is dumping 3 inches of rain on us, which combines with the melted 20" of snow to create a whole OTHER set of problems […]”

See? Pussy. Yeah, I live a short hop from his home in DAYTON OHIO TILDE BANG, and I got plastered with snow as much as he did. But trust me, when I lived in the piss-ant town of Duncansville, Pennsylvania, I had to deal with far more snow and flooding than that. One of my favorite pictures from my childhood is my mom standing on the sidewalk with a yardstick beside the snow, with the snow going above it by three inches. I concede we didn’t get it all at once then like we got those 20 inches this year, but come on Rick! If you’re like the whole city of Xenia and can’t handle more than a couple inches of snow, move to Florida. That way you can cover TNA better too.

With that out of my system… It’s been a great week in sports. Not because USC won the national NCAA championship (since the whole BCS system is to football as Heidenreich is to the WWE), but because the Steelers get the week off in preparation of beating down whomever will try them on the 15th or 16th. Plus, Ryne Sandberg got into the MLB hall of fame. Sure, he may have beat other guys this year who were more deserving, but come on, who doesn’t love Rhyno? Stupid people, that’s who.

One final thing: I’ve registered on a site called MySpace.com, which is nothing more than a place to socialize. You know, e-mails, blogs, that kind of crap. The point is, if you want to know what I’m up to or want to chat some time, head over there. Apparently Dan Puder (yes, that idiot) has an account over there under the name “WWE Million Dollar Baby,” and some of the comments he’s got from other people are worth a read for laughs. My name over there is “Pyro Falkon,” with an unusual space.

Oh, and you may have noticed that I’m no longer detailing the video breaks. It’s partly to streamline my article more, and partly so Rick doesn’t randomly reformat the way I send the column it to him. Pussy.

PyroFalkon starts late, but has the stamina to go as long as necessary

I’m fashionably late to the party; my schedule got thrown off after three weeks of having to deal with this crap. Josh Mathews is unfortunately back, but so is Howard Finkle, so it’s not all bad. This is apparently a legends episode, and within seconds of me tuning three minutes late, we go to…

[video break 1]

Mr. Who?

The first call is not Droz this time. We’ve got Mr. Wonderful (aka Paul Orndorff), who opens by calling Josh “Lou.” The tone of the interview is set early, as Josh asks what he’s been up to for the last few years, and Mr. Wonderful’s reply is a total non (no hyphen) sequitur about how great the New York fans are. He puts himself over, blah blah blah…

The Fink wants to know his thoughts about Wrestlemania in general. Orndorff praises Vince’s gamble with Wrestlemania and compares it to the Ali vs. Frasier boxing fight. He prattles on some more about “the buzz” it caused all over the world (“even Canada!”). Then he takes what seems to be a random potshot at TNA and/or WCW and says Vince is the one willing to take a gamble unlike the good old boys from the South, or something.

Marc Loyd asks who his favorite feud was with, and he answers Hollywood Hogan and Tito Santana. Josh asks him for more details about his feud with Hollywood (effectively avoiding sanding Marvel’s collective vagina for the billionth time). Orndorff is all “we sold out everywhere, and we didn’t just sell tickets because of him! I rocked too, damnit!”

Josh repeats the question that was never answered about what Orndorff has been up to. He talks about how he broke his neck three times, and the last time that was really bad, just short of putting him in a wheelchair. He tells all us kids to stop jumping off buildings trying to imitate the wrestlers, I shit you not.

He enjoys being called a legend, then cuts off Marc and Josh to say a message because “I’m on TV.” He tells us all to get on “this Internet thing” to tell the WWE who we think are legends are, because they’ll listen to us. From past experience, I doubt the WWE gives two shits or a fuck about what we think. But I’m not talking about anything specific, am I?

Someone asks him if he still watches RAW or SmackDown!, and he says he does sometimes. He says he would ALL the time if Vince would give him a job again. He then proceeds to yell “Vince! Wake up!,” which comes off far more annoying than funny. Maybe that was the point?

Howard asks who Orndorff thinks could be best groomed into a future star. He replies “that Brock Lesinger.” Who? “Brock Legender.” Right; that’s funny for so many reasons. I think we know what brand Mr. Wonderful pays attention to, if he actually watches either. Damn it, how many times do I have to say it: GUESTS ON BYTE THIS!, READ ONLINE ONSLAUGHT BEFORE COMING ONTO THE SHOW. YOU MIGHT AVOID PULLING AN ORTON. Sheesh. Orndorff puts Brock over for way too long, although he calls him “uglier than hell.” Man, that’s funny… at least Marc thinks so.

Orndorff finishes by saying that he hopes all the fans remember him as the “best asshole ever.” He clicks off, and calls Josh “Lou” again. The hosts and crew of BT make fun of Josh, who explains that a guy named Lou calls people, but doesn’t mention that the star is getting transferred, so that’s why Orndorff didn’t know. Josh threatens that if anyone calls him “Lou” one more time, he’s leaving Byte This! forever. We’re off to…

[video break 2]

Droz’s 13 cents

Now we get Droz, who immediately opens with “Hi Howard, hi Marc. How’s Lou doing?” Josh doesn’t friggin’ live up to his promise. Damnit.

Droz is all about hyping New Year’s Revolution. If you watched RAW (or read OO more often than once a month), you know the details. I don’t recap analysis or hype we’ve heard seventeen-thousand times before.

And, uh, that’s about it. Wow, that was boring. Way to keep up the tradition in 2OO5 Droz! See? I can sneak in an OO reference without anyone noticing!

[video break 3]

Steamboat: the other Rick meat

Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat is on now. You know, for a long time back when I was a total mark, I used to call him “Ricky ‘The Steamboat’ Dragon.” I wonder what his gimmick would have been if he went that direction? Tugboat, anyone?

The Rick who doesn’t bitch about the weather twice in three weeks chats about his match at Wrestlemania III with Savage. He doesn’t really say anything earth-shattering, but he’s not ungodly boring… not as bad as Droz or Orndorff anyway, but still not really anything worthy of retyping.

They move on to say that on Triple H’s DVD, it’s got the whole match of Ricky Steamboat vs. Ric Flair at Spring Stampede 1994. The reason is because Triple H calls that match his favorite of all time. Ricky says that’s cool, but he preferred the rematch which was a 2 out of 3 falls match that went almost an hour. Okay, that was interesting.

Lou asks what Ricky’s up to now, and Howard pushes the conversation to race cars. Ricky says he’s always loved racing, and he’s involved in NASCAR stuff. Mostly just tweaking and balancing wedges and shocks, that kind of thing. He says he’s restored and showed off 64 Corvettes. He also likes seeing his son (“Little Ricky,” who was apparently shown off during Wrestlemania IV), who is now 17, getting on a track and flooring it, letting him go as fast as possible and it being legal. Or something.

Howard asks a loaded question about whether Ricky considers Flair his equal because of their in-ring chemistry. Ricky says that when they started, Flair was the “ring general” without a doubt. Flair knew more psychology and how to play the crowd, blah blah blah, and that’s how Ricky is as good as he is now.

Howard fires one more question: Does Ricky wanna be in the Hall of Fame? Ricky answers with a question: When did the Hall of Fame start? Howard replies that it started in 1994, sneaks in a plug for WWE 24/7, and repeats the question. Ricky is humbly all “I guess it’s the right time. I sometimes think about when I can step up there, but I’m in no hurry.” You know, Ricky was before my time of watching wrestling regularly, but my respect for him is going up and up.

Ricky clicks off, and it’s time for Outthink the Fink. Here’s the question: who won the first Royal Rumble on pay-per-view? Howard explains that there is some debate what the first ever Royal Rumble was because they may have had one on cable TV, so the wording of the question fixes it. Lou mentions that Byte This! has a new background (which is actually about six weeks old), and NOW we’re going to…

[video break 4]

The third Rick meat?

We come back from break, and as Lou tries to welcome us, Marc interrupts him. Lou throws a hissy fit, and ends up chucking his clip-on microphone to the floor. Marc verbally undresses him for mistreating WWE equipment while Howard tries to get us on track by chatting about the Nature Boy’s history.

A caller comes in and answers the question with ease. She clicks off, and the hosts introduce Ric Flair.

You know, in retrospect, I should have put Ric Flair as “Most Overrated” in my awards. But I guess he’s not really a full-time WRESTLER, it he? But he still annoys me, and maybe it’s just because I respect Bret Hart so much. Every time Flair does his fucking flop, I want to pull a Bob Holly on him.

Anywho (anyWOO?), Flair is on. His opening and answer to the first question are so freakin’ boring and ass-kissing to the WWE… it’s a mini-autobiography. If you care, you probably already know. If you care and don’t know, buy his shitty book.

God, he’s still talking… say something interesting… SAY ANYTHING INTERESTING…

Howard says that anytime anyone wins a belt, you call them “champ” forever as a respect. So he calls Ric “champ,” and asks him about his feud with Ricky Steamboat. Flair calls Steamboat the best wrestler he’s ever wrestled. Flair puts over Steamboat a dozen times before we get to the next topic.

Howard, who seems to have hijacked the show at this point, asks Flair about how the industry changed. Flair completely dodges and instead puts himself and his book over. The closest he gets to actually answering is saying that he adapts with everything and enjoys the industry. Freakin’ yawn.

Finally, he’s asked about the Elimination Chamber. Ric talks about the last one, with Goldberg winning and all that. He puts over the match in general, and predicts it’s going to be cool with blood, guts, and WORKRATE~!. He’s done, and he’s out.

You know, as much as I dislike him, I do respect him (as I do basically everyone but Lex Luger), and I have to give him props for one thing: he was OUT of character the entire time. You wouldn’t REALLY know it, because he didn’t give any insider information or anything, but we all know that Ric Flair the character dips into the caffeine way too often. I mean, he’s always out of breath and seems like he’s ready to have another staged heart attack any time. For this interview though, he was really cool, calm, collected, and didn’t even WOO or have that (to steal a word) ricockulous accent. It’s just coincidence (probably) that he was just really, REALLY boring. All the guests should do their interviews out of character no matter how Marc or Lou steer the conversation, says I!

So with that, I’m done. Thumbs down, because it was 60 minutes of Boring (which still ranks higher than 60 minutes of Suck, but not by much). Send me an e-mail sometime, through Hotmail or MySpace.com, and I’ll see you next week!

If I haven’t been fired first.



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