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Shawn Michaels Exorcises The Devil Inside
January 20, 2005

by PyroFalkon
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


Two more games, and I’ll be happy. After years of cheering for the Bulls (who are only now getting somewhere since Jordan left), the Cubs (who came closest in 2003 and probably won’t anymore), the Penguins (who won’t get ANYWHERE with the NHL dead), and the Steelers, one of my teams will finally have a championship in my lifetime.

I mean, I was around and watched the Bulls of ’98 go all the way. I wasn’t a fan before then, but I hopped on the Bulls/Jordan bandwagon. I never got off, even when it ran into a brick wall in the following season. But that was before I started getting into the NHL or NFL, although of course the Cubs have been impotent since 1908.

But the point is, the Steelers are in the AFC championship game this Sunday. They just need to win two games, and Bret Hart needs to come back to the WWE for a full-time wrestling shift every week, and life will rock! I know one of those won’t happen, but I can dream. Damnit.

Guest Rundown & Media Hype

Marc Loyd is in the house with no Mathews on the radar. Also coming on are Edge (who Marc calls a whiny baby), and Shawn Michaels. Droz of course is on the menu, but with the former two, there should be some excitement right? RIGHT??? Well, hopefully HBK’s bit should be more entertaining than last time.

Marc talks about Steve Austin’s press conference, but doesn’t say what was in it, just the fact that he did it. He hypes Royal Rumble, but the only new thing he says is that now he’s calling Eugene’s injury a “torn patella.” Although, as usual, I take much of what Marc says with a grain of salt.

Marc worships Edge’s book to the point of having an orgasm, which results in him losing his microphone. Dumbass. But all is well within a couple seconds, and he says that Austin has had his press conference but there is NO WORD what he talked about. Because as we all know, if the WWE is going to have a press conference with one its biggest stars EVER, they are NOT going to be telling ANYONE in Titan Towers what the fuck was said. It makes TOTAL sense, doesn’t it? There is no swear word in the English language to describe how stupid this makes Marc Loyd, so I’m going to invent one. Mark Loyd is a fuckin’ notro.

Anyway, and he gets done plugging SmackDown! magazine (with John Cena on the cover! TILDE BANG!), and we’re off to…

Marijuana Junkie Trevor Potter

The fuck? No video break, AND we have to listen to the winner of WWE Fantasy Season 1 again? WHY??? Oh well, I’m impartial reporter who is a professional in delivering all the news. Even though I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE it when they talk about this stupid game on a show that SHOULD have fun tidbits and nuggets of information on, you know, wrestlers.

So I’ll impartially report that Marc and Trevor chat like D&D Ass-Clowns about WWE Fantasy for a bit, then Marc basically interviews Trevor on his experience at New Year’s Revolution or whatever PPV he got to go. Trevor got four ringside tickets, but beyond that, got his replica title belt from Lita and Shelton Benjamin. Jericho came into the room and signed it too. Trevor had a poster of Randy Orton that he wanted signed, but Orton is such a diva that Jericho TOOK THE POSTER BACKSTAGE to have it signed, then brought it back out for him. People, I can think of all kinds of jokes of why THIS happened (such as Orton needing a handwriting expert to write his name without making any spelling mistakes), but it just reeks of retardedness. Then again, who the fuck brings a Randy Orton poster to an arena to get signed, when you’re surrounded by guys like Jericho and Flair?

So Marc baits Trevor into ejaculating about how great the WWE stars are, and they’re nice, and they sacrificed everything, and they put their bodies on the line, but they’re appreciative for fans, and yak yak yak. Sure, they are… except Orton, who is busy trying to memorize his one line of the show to make sure he doesn’t fumble it. Jeb Lund was too accurate in his yearly awards. 

Now that the ego-stroking is over, Marc asks Trevor to go over strategy. Trevor uses the next two or three minutes to say “Read Online Onslaught” without mentioning us by name. Really. Check the video if you don’t believe me.

Trevor’s out, and Marc Loyd puts Trevor over by saying he’s as smart as “Bill Belichick, the defensive coordinator of the New England Patriots figuring out Payton Manning.” Dear god in heaven… First, why does EVERYTHING in Byte This! end up getting turned into football? And second, you’d think Marc would at least know the difference between the HEAD FUCKING COACH and a defensive coordinator! Romeo Crennel SHOULD be credited, but do it on ESPN, no Byte This!! And I am NOT a hypocrite!

I am now annoyed, pissed off, AND bored. Fuckity fuckity fuck fuck fuck. Video break time, goddamnit.

[video break 1]

Droz’s 15 cents

Christ, do I have to continue to see Chris Masters’ssss body? I’d rather see Gail Kim wearing Not Much and posing, although I’m SURE Orton and Lawler are eating up these ads like they’d lap up… never mind.

Anyway, we’re back, and Marc channels our The Rick for a second by bitching about the cold in Connecticut. Pussy. So he and Droz chat about WWE Fantasy for about four seconds, which is actually tolerable in such tiny nuggets. Instead of them wasting TEN FUCKING MINUTES on the shit, like they did with Harry in the opening act.

Okay, so Droz talks about the Chris-squared match from Monday, and… is kind of interesting? The fuck, again? Apparently, the BizarroLand Effect is still on for Byte This!. Droz doesn’t say anything worth listening to, per se, but he chats about how equally matched they guys were, and so on. My male-PMS is starting to disappear.

They recap RAW some, and I’m not going to recap recaps, even if we’re in BizarroLand and my name has become IcyMinnow. Instead of going to recap SmackDown!, Marc displays his notroism by now saying Austin’s press conference was about his making a three-film deal with WWE, and all of Titan Towers is abuzz with delight. Apparently the entire building magically figured out what Austin said five hours before, but they only heard it within the last four minutes. Notros, all of them.

So Droz pretends like he cares, although he does bring up the valid point that having Steve Austin part of the company in any way is a Good Thing, which I will not contend. Marc spews the WWE.com address, because tomorrow (well, today by the time you read this) you can download the video of the press conference. So also within the last few minutes, the video of the press conference has become available, and again it’s Marc Loyd who has the inside scoop for Byte This!. Goddamnit, I need caffeine to make it through this.

Now they recap SmackDown!, and we return to the norm with Droz getting boring and vague. Marc cuts the recapping short and wants to play Online Onslaught team coverage and asks Droz for his picks for Royal Rumble. He picks Edge over Shawn, Taker over Heidenreich, JBL in the triple threat match, Triple H over Orton, and cops-out on the Royal Rumble itself for this week, although he says it’s going to be someone from RAW.

We’re done with him, and again, it wasn’t horrible. Yay for breaking tradition!

[video break 2]

A Tale of Two Edges

Marc tells Edge that he’s got mail from Edge’s fans, and Edge is all “I still have some?” Marc says he’s also got mail from people who hate him, and Edge is all “The feeling is mutual.” In two seconds, I already feel that things will pick up.

Edge talks about how the fans turned on him by booing him against Orton, but then he channels Orton by saying that “destiny” has always been “in his hands” and he’ll “prove himself” or some shit. And in another two seconds, I know everything’s going to hell.

Marc challenges Edge’s ability to win the Rumble, so Edge goes off on him, including calling him a chumpstain. As Marc stumbles for words, Edge makes fun of him for stammering, so Marc takes a deep breath, counts to ten, and calmly explains that because Edge has two matches that night, he might not be able to deal with the Rumble. Edge says it’s all good because he’s one “bad bastard,” and will beat the shit out of HBK and everyone in the Rumble. Sweet. Thing are looking up again.

Marc recaps what happened with Taboo Tuesday, and has an e-mail that asks Edge why he Speared Shawn to cost him the title. Edge says that he knew Shawn wouldn’t win anyway, so it was time to do something new. So by Edge’s logic, it was a new thing to have Triple H retain the World Heavyweight title. Now we’re being stupid and Notrolike again.

Wait a second, the good Edge comes back into play by refining what bad Edge said. He means that it’s time we have new competitors, so we stop seeing HBK vs. Trips for the belt. And for that matter, we can stop seeing Chris Benoit and Randy Orton go after the belt. The fuck? Those two guys only held it once, and Edge could be facing either guy if they had the belt, so even though Good Edge was well-intentioned, Bad Edge’s logic holes come through. I’m confused. Fucking confused, even.

So Marc says that HBK says Edge whines. Edge says sure, HBK says that, but he “won’t not respect him.” Viva double negatives! Edge puts HBK in the top three guys that he respected and idolized growing up, but then indirectly says HBK whines himself. Too bad he didn’t elaborate, because that might have been interesting.

Marc wants Edge’s thoughts on the Elimination Chamber, and Good Edge returns by getting into the Chamber’s psychology, so to speak. He talks about how large it is from the inside, that fans can’t truly appreciate it from outside, and that there is no give to the steel. He says it’s painful for days, bruises everywhere, and his body looked like a Whopper with the marks the steel made. That was cool.

Caller in, who kisses Edge’s ass by complimenting the book, and then asks how it feels to be working in a program with the Big Three. I don’t know what the fuck they’re talking about since I haven’t read the thing, but Edge jumps in by saying that the Big Three are Hulk Hogan (OMG Marvel lawsuit~!), Bret Hart, and Shawn Michaels in no particular order. Well, now we know. Edge goes all insider by saying how cool it is to be working with Shawn. He says that Bret helped him into the WWE, he teamed with Hogan, and now it’s totally cool to be wrestling with Shawn. Edge just hopes he can keep his socks up (or something) and keep up with everyone in the WWE.

Marc says that since Edge idolized some guys, how does he feel that young wrestlers are now idolizing him. Good Edge seems to be in the driver’s seat the rest of the way as he continues by saying he never really thought about that stuff. He knew he’d get to the WWE, but never thought about getting the action figures, polygonal video game facsimiles, or tapes of matches. He says he doesn’t know anyone specifically who is like that, but gives dap to anyone who does.

Edge continues the train of the thought by talking about how neat it feels to have written a book about things. He gives props to Mick Foley for being the first wrestler to write a book, since that opened the door (or paved the way, or whatever) for others to do it too. He says it’s cool to see “Adam Copeland” on a spine, and that he’s pleased with the book aside from some random typos that got through during editing.

Marc wants Edge’s thoughts on the Steve Austin film conference. Edge didn’t know what it was about until Marc fills him in, but Edge basically dodges the films. Instead, he puts over Austin in general. He says that Austin was always there to give advice to him and Christian, and that Austin’s been through the ringer, so it’s good to know Austin is attached to the WWE somehow.

Marc asks if Edge wants to be in a movie. Edge apparently had a bit part in a Highlander movie, which he describes as “Fun… I guess,” which is absolutely hilarious to hear him say. He says if a movie deal ever fell into his lap, he might take it, but as far as looking for one, no. Edge’s ass is firmly implanted in his couch on days off, as he flips the channel between King of Queens and the Simpsons. Man, I love Leah Remini. Marc wants to know if Edge also watches Bottom Line (hosted by Marc Loyd~!), but Edge declares that he would, but he’s not home on that day, whatever day it is. Heh, gold.

Edge basically wraps up by continuing on that thread. He says that wrestling is his life and it’s all he ever wanted to do. He’s had offers (for what, he didn’t say) that he actually turned down because he would have had to quit wrestling if he took them. He loves what’s doing, so he’ll continue to do it. Don’t mess with happy, people.

Edge and Marc peacefully say goodbye, and we’re done with this interview. Goddamn, this was a HOT segment. Well, aside from the early hiccups and logic holes, but I was still pissed off about the first 20 minutes, so maybe it wasn’t so bad. Edge has successfully subdued me and removed whatever was jammed up my ass. And now…

[video break 3]

[Shawn Michaels Header]

Marc opens the interview by asking Shawn how he prepares for the match with Edge AND the Royal Rumble in one night! Shawn answers for TWO minutes with “I don’t know. The same, I guess. Remember my injury? I was injured. But I need to prepare myself. And I pray that my God-given ability that was given to me will carry me through. I don’t know. I guess I’ll just wing it.” MOTHERFUCKER, Shawn has already taken whatever was shoved up my ass from Edge, dusted it off, and jammed it in my cornea.

Marc makes some obscure reference to baseball saying that if how baseball vets can mentally slow down pitches to hit them better, so can Shawn slow down the action in the ring during the Royal Rumble? What the FUCK does that mean? How can you draw ANY comparison of a ball being thrown within two feet of you as you’re watching it to fighting a guy in a 20-by-20 ring when up to fourteen other battles are going on around you?

But Shawn answers with the gusto of a US Senate meeting by saying how with all the bodies flying around, it’s hard to avoid being injured. And you have to be careful. And balanced. And relax. But not be lazy. Even Marc sounds bored as he mentions that they’re playing a video of the ‘95 Rumble with Shawn and Bulldog. What’s Shawn’s reaction? SILENCE! He bored himself to sleep! Fucking notro.

“Hey Shawn,” Marc says, “let’s liven things up! WANNA TAKE A CALL??? TILDE BANG~!”

“…Sure,” Shawn replies with the voice of a biology teacher. I guess the fucking tilde bang woke him up. Me? I’m just typing in my sleep right now.

Caller in, who asks if it felt any different to referee Elimination Chamber III than it did to win Elimination Chamber I. The fuckity fuckity fuck? You get a chance to ask Shawn Michaels ANY question in the world, and you go with “does it feel any different to be a ref than a competitor”? Even the callers are fucking notros today!

But Shawn, bless him, actually pulls this question out of the crapper. He says that he thought it was the best one of the three (which I can’t bitch about either way since I never saw the first two so he could be right), and that being a ref gave him the best seat in the house. The Rick and I can attest to that… in tight games, being a baseball umpire (and in my case also a football referee) can be very exciting and fun. I at least don’t get into it for the money (since there isn’t that much to be had), but it’s really cool to be closer than any fan as you smell the sweat and get the dirt on you from the game. Shit, I can’t WAIT till the season starts.

Anyway, Shawn prattles more and more about being a ref, and is systematically pissing me off again by taking a couple minutes repeating himself. Marc mercifully cuts him off by introducing an e-mail that asks what felt better, winning the WWE title the first time (against Bret Hart in the Ironman Match forever ago), or coming back from injury to wrestle again? Shawn stumbles for ten seconds, then answers “return,” because he wasn’t mature enough to know everything that winning the belt encompassed the first time. He says he’s happy to go from “can’t wrestle again, ever” to being a mainstay again, and if it all ended tomorrow, he’d be happy. He’s loves having the second chance, since it doesn’t happen often. Hey, THAT didn’t suck!

Marc wants Shawn’s thoughts on his feud with Edge. Shawn’s all, “It’s intense, and weird since we never really wrestled before. But I’m used to pissing people off when I didn’t do anything to them personally.” HA! In your FACE, Canada!

Marc quotes Edge’s earlier interview about Shawn being in his top three. Shawn doesn’t bother being humble, saying that he’s been in that several times since return. But, Shawn admits that he’s been there before, on the heels of old vets as he was coming up. So Shawn feels he’s in an unusual place, coming full circle, and trying to stay on pace of the young guys.

Yet another caller in. She wants to know how it feels to being dubbed a future Hall of Famer, and how it feels to be compared to the guys who are in it already. Shawn is insightful as he says that everyone who enters wrestling says at one time “I want to be the best,” but the amount of guys who actually go through the EFFORT to be the best varies greatly from the guys who simply SAY it. Shawn says it doesn’t really sink in until others, like fans and so on, say it to them. Eventually the fame and money will go away, but the Hall of Fame and people’s memories live on, and that’s what counts.

An e-mailer asks if Shawn’s got a book in the pipeline. Shawn says that on Monday, he met with someone who’s going to help him get it on. You heard it here on Online Onslaught first, folks: Shawn Michaels is going to be writing a book! Can’t wait to read the chapter on the Great Screw. Shawn actually addresses it indirectly, basically saying he’s waited this long because he wanted to find a writer who could adequately explain his side of the story.

Marc says what the hell, since we’re talking about it anyway, what about that silly Canada with their booing? Shawn patronizes the entire country by saying everyone boos him with a smile on their face, and it’s just their thing. The WWE and Shawn’s character have simply now made it part of the gimmick; I’m amazed they said “character” on BT! It’s exposing the business! Anyway, Shawn and Marc basically says that if Canada does truly hate him, they’re taking things too seriously. How true.

Marc changes gears until entirely, and asks about Shawn’s views of the Steve Austin press conference. Before letting him answer, Marc butters the question more by praising Shawn’s matches with Austin in ’97 and ’98, and how epic the whole feud and battles were. Shawn says, quote: “I have no comment about Steve Austin coming back,” followed by an awkward pause. And then the subject is dropped. Huh. I don’t want to read more into that than I should, but… Considering how much Shawn rambles on Byte This!, that was REALLY weird.

Well, I guess we’re done. Marc and Trevor Potter opened by sanding my vagina. After adding a little bit, Edge got it all out. Shawn came, lemon juiced my vagina, then got that cleaned in the same bit. My vagina is confused, and so is my brain, as I try to figure out whether this episode was entertaining.

One thing that is NOT in question is the first 20 minutes, which was so horrible that, looking back on what I wrote, I very well may have channeled Rick’s devil for a little bit. But then once Edge broke character and Shawn broke his divaness, it was all good. How weird.

Whatever. I’m just going to jam “Hallowed Be Thy Name” by Iron Maiden and try to forget my confusion. Damn, why did it take me this long until I found how freakin’ awesome these guys are?

See ya next week.



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