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Randy Orton Week Continues at OO...
January 27, 2005

by PyroFalkon
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


Let’s not talk about the AFC Championship game this last Sunday. Let’s also not talk about Rick’s comment of the Steelers being even partially stupid. We’ll just move on to wrestling.

Am I the only one who is not stoked about the Royal Rumble? Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure the Rumble itself will be pretty good, and Shawn/Edge should be decent. But I really am not looking forward to the rest of the card. Maybe it’s partly because I knew I wouldn’t be getting it. Either way, although Batista’s entire storyline has

grabbed my full attention, I really couldn’t care less about everything else.

Maybe I’m just having a bad week or something. Either way, my goal in this column, like Rick’s was a week or so ago in his respective column, is to simply get through it without seeming TOO half-assed. But hey, I don’t get that many readers, so who cares? Viva laziness!

Oh, a couple weeks ago, I forgot to give the answer to the trivia question. The winner of the first PPV Royal Rumble was Big John Stud. And I also apologize for letting that non-header slip into my last recap. Shawn was so awesome that I forgot to give his segment a title.

Anyway, here’s hoping there’s little stupidity.

Intro, Guest Rundown, Media Hype

Marc Loyd is in, 8 minutes late. This week, we’ve got Droz, Big Show, and Randy Orton. Great.

Marc puts over the Rumble, recaps RAW, and blah blah blah. A magazine spotlighting pictures of old Wrestlemanias will be out in early February. RAW mag, best of mag, blah blah blah.

They switch over to talk about WWE Fantasy, and then Josh Mathews comes in and hijacks the show. A double-whammy… Fuck.

[video break 1]

Droz’s 16 Cents

Droz is in, and is real happy that Josh is back. My night’s going downhill already. Josh asks Droz who’s going to win the Rumble, and Droz answers Batista, with Flair’s help. Could be. Droz reverses the question, and Josh picks… Dan Puder. The fuck? Josh is such a notro. Marc calls Edge, which at least makes SOME sense.

Blah blah blah, Batista’s COOL, blah blah blah, Orton rocks and is the best RAW wrestler right now, blah blah blah, JBL’s gonna win the triple threat match, blah blah blah, Royal Rumble 2004 was the best EVER, blah blah blah, I’m out. Well, that was a waste of time.

[video break 2]

Big Show Becomes “Mr. Byte This!”

Big Show is in, opens by chatting about getting the crap beat out of him last week. Josh asks him if he’s even up to competing at the Royal Rumble, and Big Show asks if Josh took a hit of crack before starting the show. Nice!

So Marc asks how he prepares for the triple threat match. Big Show does a FANTASTIC out-of-character job, examining their Angle’s and JBL’s motives, going into a bit of their history. Well done.

An e-mailer asks about his experience in nWo. Big Show mentions he only counts the original four (Hogan, Hall, Nash, and him), and that it was awesome being a part of those fantastic characters. Backstage and in the ring, it rocked and was a hell of an experience. He said that one night, he and Hogan were at a show, and three limos pulled up. All the people who came out were part of nWo, and that’s when Show realized that the group was diluted. He says that X-Pac brought his own excitement to it, but that was about it. After all the people joined, the magic of it disappeared.

Big Show chats about the Rumble some, puts over Benoit (“If I lose to anyone in Rumble, I’m glad it was Benoit.”) Josh asks that since it’s been two years since Show was the WWE champ, is it time for him to rise again? Show says that he hopes so, and that in “the business” there’s always opportunities, so he’s hoping he takes advantage of this one.

Caller in, who first praises Show’s size and how that leads to great memories, such as the superplex with Brock Lesnar that broke the ring. (Show responds to this with “Ouch.”) The caller asks if Show has any goals left, and Show says there is. He wants to do more, because when he was younger and heavier in the business, he missed a lot of opportunities. He says that the WWE keeps asking him if he wants to write a book, and he says “When there’s something I do to write about, I will.” He says he wants to carve his own special place among the big guys of the WWE like Andre the Giant. He says that as long as he doesn’t piss off Vince too bad, he’ll hopefully be around a long time.

Josh follows up by asking if Show sees himself “there” yet, and Show says he’s nowhere. He’s still hungry and still trying his best, trying to be his best but that his game has just begun.

Marc switches gears and asks about Steve Austin’s movie deal, and whether he’s interested in movies. Show laughs and says “Yeah, I’m real Anthony Hopkins.” Heh. He praises Austin and says they’re friends outside of the WWE. He segues to put over Rock, how Rock is a real action hero, has the build and everything for it, and that Austin has the same deal. He insightfully says that Hollywood doesn’t want any wrestlers usually, and always looks for excuses to not use them. That’s why he trusts WWE Films, and that there’s a lot of actors within the WWE they could use. He finishes that line by saying he’d be happy to do a film if Vince asks him.

Josh asks about a book called Are We There Yet, that has Rey Mysterio and Show on the cover. Apparently it’s a book about stories from wrestlers, different things they’ve experienced with all the traveling. Sounds cool. Show doesn’t have many details, but apparently the author is going to be on BT in two weeks.

Big Show mentions that Josh is going to get married. Show says he’s going to tell a story. A very beautiful girl was in the WWE, worked a bit with an announcer, but mostly she worked in the back with film work and so on. He says that night after night, Josh sat beside her, and he “wore her down like cancer.” Now, months later, they’re going to be married. That proves that no matter how ugly, irritating, annoying, and stupid you are, you can wear any girl down. Heh. Big Show holds for applause and laughs, then clicks off.

[video break 3]

Hey! Nothing You Can Say! Nothing’s Gonna Make the Pain Go Away!

Guess who’s on, and guess whether I’m excited. We open with Orton talking about his match with Cactus Jack. He mentions being “so young” and just “getting into the business,” like he’s a 20-year vet or something.

Marc asks what was going through his mind when he whiffed his RKO and landed back-first into thumbtacks. Orton basically said, “Well, that sucked.” Wow. Nuggets of wisdom by Randall. He says that’s the match of his everyone talks about the most.

Orton then puts himself over and chats about his current success (“It seems every week on RAW I’m coming out on top”), then breaks into the destiny talk, that he was born and bred to “do this,” and that he’ll have the belt this Sunday.

Josh praises the rivalry between Trips and Orton, says it RAWKS~!, and what he’s got with it. Orton chooses to answer this by saying he learned 80% of his in-ring abilities from Trips and Flair, and the other 20% from his dad. He eventually gets back to the original question and says that it’s weird and different to be on the other side of the ring with an old friend. I really can’t tell if he’s trying to be in-character or not here.

Marc wants comments on Batista. Orton says he thinks he’s got to him, managed to get through and convinced him to leave Evolution. He says he’s a lesson that Batista should learn from, and it “seems” that every week Batista gets into a spat with Trips, and that hopefully Bats will get wise and rebel eventually.

Female caller in who is friggin’ making me deaf by screaming into the receiver. (You can also hear the show in the phone, meaning 1. there’s a time delay, and 2. the caller is too dumb to turn the thing down not that she got through.) . To show you the overflowing brilliance of this conversation, we’re going verbatim:

Marc: “Lauren?”

Caller: “Hi!”

Orton: “Lauren, how you doing sweetheart? This is Randy Orton.”

Caller: [one-second pause] “What?”

Orton: [one-second pause] “This is RANDY, how are you?”

Caller: “I’m GOOD!!!”

Orton: [laughs] “How old are you?”

Caller: “Fourteen!”

Orton: “Oh, goodness!”

Caller: “Yep!”

Marc: “What’s your question?”

Caller: “Um…” [one-second pause] “What would have to be your most challenging match you ever had in the WWE?”

Orton: “Wow, I’ve had a lot of them! But I’ll… I’ll throw one your way! It was the one were just talking about, that match I had with Mick Foley at Backlash last year.”

[awkward pause from everybody]

Orton: “Yeah! YEAH…!”

[Marc busts his ass laughing, and Josh moves on to another question.]

Orton: “Are we done talking to Lauren?”

Marc: “Yeah, she had to go.”

Orton: “Oh… uh… I… I… I was just kidding. That was… awful… uh…”

The fuck? So Randy Orton, Mr. Overpushed Babyface, tries to subtly make fun of a 14-year-old girl, but he does it in such a way that we think he’s just more stupid and grating than usual instead of being a humorous prick? Or something? I really don’t know what’s going on, and I listened to that segment five times to make sure I got all the quotes right.

Okay, so Orton gets back on track and fields Josh’s new question: Who’s gonna win the Rumble? Orton calls it an “intricate” question, then dodges entirely and just says that he’s not worrying about it. He says he’ll win the title from Trips and wrestle whoever wins the Rumble (forgetting that the winner COULD decide to head to SmackDown!, but what the hell), and he’s not worrying or thinking about the Rumble.

[Side note: My girlfriend just asked me what I’m doing, apparently not noticing that I’ve written Byte This! recaps for over 16 weeks. After telling her I was dealing with Orton and he’s sucking all the words out of me, making me sound the polar opposite of articulate, she said “That’s because Orton’s stupid and gay. He should go be gay with Muhammad Hassan.” You cannot possibly fathom how cool it is to have a girlfriend who recognizes Orton’s two most prevailing traits.]

Marc now asks if there’s a Rumble that Orton really loved. Orton answers with the one where “Shawn won and then went on to win the title,” and “the one with Ric Flair. What was that one? ’92? Yeah, that was really memorable.” Yeah, it was so memorable that you didn’t know what year it was.

Marc asks for Orton’s feelings on Austin’s movie deal and whether Orton wants to do a movie. Dear god in heaven… Orton’s all “more power to him, and… more power to him.” He then basically does a total mixed answer: “my loyalty is here, but maybe in the future I will, but maybe I won’t, but right now I’m here.” Idiot.

They shift conversation to Randy-Wear, whatever the fuck THAT is, and how Christy Hemme modeled. I was too busy bashing my head in with a Louisville Slugger to hear what the hell what happening, although I heard something about Josh saying that Randy Orton wears awesome clothes and wants to wear what Randy does, and that Randy had a bad image in his head.

Randy is off, and Marc announces that Byte This! will be off the air next week. What, they can’t go a whole month with episodes? I schedule my Wednesdays around this!!! How big of a dork does that make me? But apparently, in two weeks, Josh is going to take the cameras all around Titan Towers and do Byte This! on the road! JOY~!

Weak opening, EXCELLENT middle with Big Show (that is truly the best segment I’ve heard since the ECW episode), and then Orton shits all over the momentum. But what else is new?

Thumbs middle, with two middle fingers to Orton, and I guess I’ll see you all in two weeks. 



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