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Don't Bother Waking the Sleeping Giant
February 10, 2005

by PyroFalkon
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


So the Super Bowl went down. Just like Randy Orton in the Royal Rumble PPV, I finally have a reason to cheer for the Eagles and they let me down. This teaches me to bet against the AFC.

Poor, poor Rick. This last Monday he talked about how those of us NFL fans are part of the problem, with our 5-hour pre-game shows and million-dollar one-time-only commercials. And yeah, I’m not of the completely insane freaks who paints his face and/or beer bellied chest when I go to a live game. 

But I am one of the ones who just doesn’t see the excitement in the World Series. Sure, football moves faster and lesser mortals can’t discuss “strategy.” But, at least football doesn’t require one to be wasted off his ass to fully enjoy. Plus, the Super Bowl is exciting, whereas the first three games of the World Series are about as exciting as watching Randy Orton recite the Declaration of Independence. Sure, you could turn the World Series into a week-long party, but who really wants to? After a 162-game season (where only about 10 of those really matter), aren’t you more than a little burned out of baseball? There’s only so many times you can cheer when Bonds hits another steroid-induced home run.

Then again, maybe I’m just bitter because my favorite team, the Chicago Cubs, won’t get the ring within my lifetime. But just like another writer here in OO, whose name alludes me for the moment, I will continue to cheer for the Cubs in 2005. I have nothing better to do with my time.

Except, of course, delivering your almost-weekly Byte This! recap! Tilde bang!

Intro, Guest Rundown, Media Hype

Back in my Internet Chair after two weeks… let’s see how long it takes before I’m surly again this week.

Huh, only took me two seconds. Who the hell wears a wide pink tie with a black pinstripe suit? That’s right, Josh Mathews!

They open by hyping 24/7, because they showed a clip of Chris Benoit one-on-one against Too Cold Scorpio before the theme song. They recap Japan RAW, and I don’t recap recaps. Droz will be here as usual, and so will The Man, by whom I mean Batista. Robert Caprio will be there as well; he wrote a book called Are We There Yet, a book written about road stories from wrestlers.

A door slams on the set, and Tazz comes out of nowhere. After looking at Josh’s pink-tie-on-black outfit, Tazz says he’s here to bring something for the heterosexuals. BURN~! But he takes it back for no reason, and after some more blathering about an RVD DVD, we’re off to…

[video break 1]

The First Guest Ever To Be Concise

Caprio is in and basically hypes the book, describing again that it’s just a bunch of short stories that range from funny to ribbing. Tazz flips about his only appearance in the book being a mention from Michael Cole. Caprio chats about how the book took about 4 months, and they had to take out a bunch of stories since Al Snow himself could fill the whole book.

Someone asks Caprio what his favorite story is. He says that Flair shared a story where he had a mental breakdown once on a flight to Japan. Flair was so messed up that he took a plane from Japan back to North Carolina just to meet his wife, and immediately flew back to Japan to work the shows.

Caprio again puts over the variety of the book, and even compliments everyone involved, including JR by name, about what all they had to go through. He’s out after a short conversation, and it’s a great time to watch…

[video break 2]

Droz’s 17 Cents

As we come back from break, Josh and Marc get into their weekly catfight. After Tazz breaks them up, Droz is in. In his opening, he does a sweeping recap of RAW, and he basically says “It was different being in Japan than it was in the States.” Wow.

Blah blah blah, Batista great and might jump but might not, blah blah blah, the Barbed Wire Cage Match is gonna be brutal, blah blah blah.

Marc then decides to play Word Association with Droz about the guys coming into the Hall of Fame. Marc asks Tazz to play too. Tazz says “I don’t play Word Association,” but then does so anyway. I didn’t think it was possible for Tazz to be boring, but I guess it takes Byte This! to do it.

And… that’s it? Man, they’re flying. How long as BT been going on? 23 minutes… shit. Droz’s parting shot is to tell Tazz, Marc, and Josh to enjoy their threesome. They somehow segue into their first trivia question: Name three partners with whom RVD won a WWE tag title.

Tazz declares that he’ll be in the Hall of Fame eventually, and then

[video break 3]

One Gay Segment

A caller is in and gets the question right. Orlando Jordon is in… of all the unannounced guests, why did it have to be him? Well, he opens by calling Josh and Marc women, so I guess he redeemed himself.

After wasting about five minutes talking about Josh’s peach fuzz on his chin, OJ gets to putting over JBL. He’s all confident about JBL’s chances against Big Show, and blah blah blah.

Okay, you know what? It was funny the first two times, but this entire conversation is becoming a homosexual joke against Josh. It’s getting annoying. I won’t even bother repeating what they talked about…

Let’s see… waiting for them to get back on track… OJ says that Josh is a dork for dissing JBL after everything that JBL did for Josh, and then somehow segues into how cool Carlito Cool is. Another gay joke from Tazz against Josh… This is getting lame.

Caller in, who asks OJ to go into his martial arts background. OJ was all jujitsu, shoot fighting, and submission. I think. This entire segment is a car wreck and it’s not getting better. OJ actually manages to get it together and says that he also did some wrestling for Boise State, and he wanted to be a pro wrestler since he was 6.

OJ finishes up by putting over JBL, and Tazz predicts he’ll win the Barbed Wire Cage match. Yay.

Josh asks the second RVD question: what match did RVD have at Wrestlemania 19?

[video break 4]

How To Waste Time 101

Batista is MIA, so we’re in Filling Time Mode. Caller in, who nails the question. Blah blah blah, hype magazines, blah blah blah, SmackDown! is gonna be awesome, blah blah blah, OMG BATISTA~!, blah blah blah, someone says Tazz should put Lou in the Tazzmission, blah blah blah.

Caller in who asks how Japan was, and Tazz is nothing but complimentary.

Batista is still is missing, so we’re going to break.

[video break 5]

Batista Loses His Mind and Consciousness

Thank god, Batista is in… but, unfortunately, he’s dead. Well, not quite, but he passed out from the jet lag, and Byte This! woke him up. Yeesh. Top of my list for Shit I Don’t Want To Hear Upon Waking is Josh Mathews’s voice… did I just make my own gay joke? Fuck.

All right, moving on. Tazz asks what Batista is going to be doing as far as brands go, but he no-answers it. Marc asks if he knows who’s putting on the SD videos, and Batista basically no-answers that too. Someone asks how it felt to win the Rumble, and Batista’s all “it was cool, and Cena was tough.”

E-mail question in about how it feels to be working with a vet like Flair. Batista puts over the Nature Boy as you would expect, although he also says that Flair taught him all about the night life.

Caller in, who asks how it felt to be on a plane as long as he was this last week. Batista says that it wasn’t terrible, although it caught up with him this week. On the plane itself, it was fun hanging out with the guys from SD because he saw old friends and all that. Batista and Tazz share a beautiful moment chatting about how rough the travel schedule is, but how they wouldn’t trade it for anything.

And… that’s it? Yep, because Batista is out, and… uh… I guess we’re done?

Man. This was a car wreck of an episode. And you know what’s really pathetic? Despite being woken up four second before, Batista was still the most interesting person there. Damn, this one was a whole lotta nothin’.

Maybe next week will be better, huh?

Question 1: Name three partners with whom RVD won a WWE tag title.
Answer 1: Kane, Rey Mysterio, and Booker T

Question 2: What match was RVD involved with in Wrestlemania 19? 
Answer 2: Lance Storm & Chief Morley vs. Kane & RVD



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