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Spaz Has Spunk, Jimmy Has Hart, and
Kurt Has a Healthy Neck?
March 10, 2005

by PyroFalkon
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


Sometimes, I really wish I wasnít such a pussy when it came to money. I love poker, and there seems to be another Texas Hold ĎEm tournament every other week around here. If I wasnít such a coward, I would so join one of those. I mean, even if Iíd lose, Iíd have a blast. Isnít gambling fun?

Sadly, between taxes (which is pretty much wiping out my bank account this year), and my gaming habit (which is wiping out my bank account), I canít afford to take any risk. Considering how much I have in my pocket as I write this, I canít even afford a one-dollar scratch-off ticket. Those things are rip-offs anyway.

Now that Iíve exceeded my hyphen quota for the week, I do have a good announcement. I finally have access to SmackDown!! I still donít get UPN, but someone I know is willing to provide me a weekly tape of the show. Now I wonít be so lost when it comes to team coverage, especially with Wrestlemania around the corner.

All right, enough small talk. Letís get to the most exciting Internet show EVER!

Intro, Guest Rundown, Media Hype: Marc Loyd and Steve Romero are in the house. They open with a video of an old match between Brutus Beefcake against the Honkytonk Man fromÖ uh, Wrestlemania 2? 3? Something.

In the clip, Brutus cut some of Jimmy Hartís hair, which leads to Marc announcing that Jimmy shall be on the show tonight. Also on are Christy Hemme and Kurt Angle. Huh. They recap RAW, blab about Wrestlemania matches, and chat about the Hall of Fame stuff.

They divert talk for a bit, talking about the multi-generation stars. They specifically hype Randy Orton, and say something about heíll ride his dadís fame for going into the Hall of Fame into his match with the Undertaker. Which of course makes no sense, unless Bob Orton is going to be in his corner or something. No comment.


Drozís 21 Cents: Droz is in, with no technical glitches this time. Droz, with the guidance of the two hosts, recap all things Batista on RAW this week. That was obviously not too exciting, but then Marc asks an interesting question: what does Droz think is going through Batistaís mind? Droz unfortunately cops out, basically saying ďThereís a bunch of stuff going through his mind,Ē but he does call Batista to win the belt.

They switch to the six-man ladder match, but that isnít too interesting either. They talk about the whole idea of the match for a few minutes, then divert to another possibly interesting question. Luckily, Droz flips on the switch, and goes a little bit into the strategy of when the winner should pull the trigger of his World Title match. He mentions that it may be wise to go for the title match the next night when Batista or Trips is hurt, although holding it until a better situation happens may be better.

On to SmackDown!, and all three shoot the shit about Cena and Bradshaw. With that out of the way, Droz puts over the Undertakerís Dirty Harry impersonation after the hostsí prompting. The hosts then put over all the commercials, saying how witty and funny they are, with the stellar casting. No comment from me on that either.

They talk about my least favorite topic in the universe to close out Drozís bit, and then heís out without flair.


More Than Nipples and Bush. Really!: I know I donít normally care about the breaks anymore, but this one I have to tell you aboutÖ they show the entire the video of the Spaz vs. Mic Stand (vs. Lillian Garcia) pillow fight. What hurts my brain worse than the video was that, as we come back from break, Marc Loyd declares that that is the type of match he likes best. A little of my wrestling IQ died inside.

Spaz is in and launches into a monologue about what sheís been up to, from autograph signings toÖ uh, autograph signings. But God bless Christy, she sounds really happy and hyped, even to be on this shitty show. Itís funny, I donít care about whatís she saying to be honest, but Iím sure as hell not bored. And itís not just because sheís HOTT~! or anythingÖ I donít know, I guess she just knows how to talk? Her wrestling ability may be sub par, but sheís got much better mic skills than certain Ortons in the fed.

The next part of the conversation is about her future match with Trish. And really, just listening to Spaz makes me thing that maybe, maybe, Rick is right and sheíll get together at least the basics to wrestle. She should at least be able to hold up her end of the match when it happens.

An e-mail question asks if she still talks to any WWE Diva Search contestant that didnít make it to the WWE. (How many is that, two?) She confirms that she does indeed talk to Twin #2, whoever that was.

From the prompting of the hosts, she talks about her photo shoot for Playboy. She says that during the shoot, there was one photographerÖ and a makeup artist. And a hair stylist. And other Playboy staff. And WWE staff. And her body was sore after getting into uncomfortable poses for hours. I really wished she said ďand I regret doing it, because they may have well just taken a headshot and just Photoshopped me on someone else and no one would know the difference, because the money and pain damn sure arenít looking at airbrushed representations of my nipples.Ē But she didnít; although, she seemed to not like the experience, although she couldnít obviously say that without all sorts of fallout.

She tells a completely uninteresting story at the hostsí prompting to try to push Are We There Yet, and then wraps up. Sheís out, and weíre going toÖ


The Nickname Is Very Fitting: They open by asking the Mouth of the South what he thought about being put into the Hall of Fame this year. The first thing out of his mouth is to put over Bret Hart, saying (without saying the words) that Bret is more deserving than him. In your face, WWE!

Jimmy continues chatting about the old school wrestlers, and he and Marc basically reminisce a bit. Marc asks Jimmy whoís his favorite wrestler he managed, which Jimmy entirely dodges. However, Jimmy breaks character (was he ever in character?), and says that he thinks his megaphone was more over than he was.

An e-mail question asks about Jimmyís jackets. Jimmy flips on the interesting switch, and he says that he basically learned ďif you donít look special, why the heck will [the people] pay to see you?Ē So thatís why he wore crazy stuff, to get the attention and give the audience something to look at.

Marc asks if any managers should make the Hall of Fame for 2006. Jimmy puts over Jim Cornette especially. He doesnít get to follow up, as Marc asks him about more stuff aboutÖ music, or something, I donít remember.

Steve brings us back to the present and asks what Jimmy thinks about the Wrestlemania matches. Jimmy dodges again (my bet is that he doesnít watch WWE stuff anymore), and instead launches into stories about WCW shows. He says heís excited to see Piperís Pit again, and is just thrilled to be there at all.

Marc asks Jimmy how many Wrestlemanias heís been in, and Jimmy answers nine. He talks about a few of them, and Steve finally asks what his favorite moment was. Jimmy half-dodges, plugs a book he wrote, and then says anytime he was with the Hart Foundation rocked.

Jimmy wraps up with a story about stuff, including saying that getting into the Hall of Fame is the best thing thatís ever happened in his life. He thanks the fans for voting him in (What? Did I miss something?), and clicks off. Man, just like Jeb Lund, Jimmy can cram more words into the same-sized space as an average guy. Which is not an insult by any meansÖ Either whoÖ


Byte This! Makes Everyone Ill: Kurtís in, but he sounds like he just woke up or is sick. Marc asks him how his neck is, and Kurt says itís feeling as good as it has in two years. He says heíll be in the WWE for a long time. Heís happy about that, because apparently he and Vince have talked about retirement, but now itís not even on his mind anymore. His doctors say heís fine, and his wife is supporting him, so heís all about staying the WWE for much longer.

At Marcís question, Kurt starts comparing himself to Shawn Michaels. He puts over Shawn pretty much, and is being very sober about his speech. He says his match with Shawn will be one of the best of all time. Iím getting the distinct impression that heís 90% out of character.

Thatís just confirmed with the next question. Marc mentions that a lot of people are expecting a lot out of Kurt and Shawn. Kurt confirms that they never worked together, and the fans are giving tremendous pressure on them, but they need to realize that because they havenít worked together, it may not be completely smooth.

Kurt now reaffirms his four-week challenge (still not saying what it is). Itís real creepy, the way Kurt is confidently saying that heíll do stuff in four weeks that Shawn hasnít done in 20 years.

Marc mentions the Wrestlemania card, and Kurt says itís the best card heís ever been on. He puts over the two title matches, including putting over Cena. ďI beat him five times in a row, and then he got me a No Way Out, so he deserves to be in that match.Ē Marc asks for a follow up, and Kurt says that JBL has tons of pressure on him, but Cena is red hot. He says that if JBLís cabinet is banned from ringside, he favors Cena. Angle continues the Cena hyping, saying that he underestimated Cena, and Cena showed a lot of heart in the No Way Out match.

An e-mail questions asks that, if thereís another draft lottery, would he like to go on RAW? And, what other RAW stars does he want to wrestle? Kurt says that heís the only wrestler whoís never switched shows. Heís been all about SD, but heís not afraid of anyone and would like to try Batista or Triple H. That said, he hasnít had a PPV match or feud with the Undertaker from SD, so he wouldnít mind staying there either.

Kurt hacks up a lung, so that would explain why he sounds drugged. Weíre in overtime here (itís after 9:00), so Marc quickly asks what his favorite Wrestlemania moment is. And by god, my respect for Kurt Angle goes up by his answer. He said that his favorite moment ever had nothing to do with him. He says that for the longest time, the WWE was all about big-men champions. But last year, even though Kurt lost his match at Wrestlemania 20, he was extremely proud of the fact that at the end of the night, the two champions (Eddie and Benoit) were both under 5-foot-10. He said that it shows physically smaller guys can still do extremely well, and history was made. WowÖ

Heís out, and so is the show.

Closing Comments: Not a bad show, really. I still dislike Steve Romero as a host, because he doesnít do anything. They may as well bring Josh back (I canít believe Iím saying that) or have Marc fly solo. Spaz and Jimmy Hart werenít exceptionally interesting, but they held my attention quite well and never bored me.

Kurtís bit was strong too, especially that last questionÖ man, I got a small chill when he said that answer. Itís just soÖ real, you know? Itís not Kurt Angle the character who said it, it was definitely Kurt Angle the man. Iíve mentioned before that Iíve never really liked Kurt Angle for reasons I canít explain, but I could feel my respect for him go a bit after tonight.

That all said, this one isnít really worth listening to unless youíre a fan of one of the interviewees. But it was about as strong as a Byte This! is going to get without Tazz or Paul Heyman, so I guess Iíll take what I can get.

See ya next week.



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