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For a Written Transcript of John Cena's
Interview, Please Jam a Fork in Your Eye
March 31, 2005

by PyroFalkon
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


As I mentioned last week, I caught Anchorman and loved it. Between that and finally catching an episode of The Daily Show, I finally get the appeal and humor of Steve Carell. He’s fantastic, and damn me for not realizing how cool he was until the late in the game (read: after he’s done a million episodes of TDS already).

So it was completely coincidence that I caught his new sitcom, The Office, on NBC. I don’t recall seeing a single ad for the show (probably because I never watch NBC), and just stumbled onto the show. The pilot I thought was a little weak in places, but it was good. I never judge a show on its first episode alone, though, and this

latest episode called “Tolerance” was freakin’ hilarious. Maybe I just appreciate it more because all my jobs aside from a brief stint in McDonald’s have been white-collar office deals; and by the same token, guys who worship other flavors of comedy (Foxworthy, Rock, and others) may not like it as much. But if you like Carell, you owe it to yourself to catch at least one episode of The Office.

Now, that said, I haven’t read anything Rick has written for the past two weeks on this site… and due to his fanboydom for The Daily Show, I just have this bad feeling that I’m repeating or rehashing things he may have said about it already. I’m bad… but I’m also lazy, and don’t feel like catching up on wrestling news. Ironic, huh?

But even though I’m taking a break from reading, I’m still in full-force for writing. As always, keep on reading for the bestest and greatestest Byte This! recap in whole stinkin’ multiverse!

Video Before the Intro… why?: For no apparent reason, they show a clip of Wrestlemania 8 when Bret Hart and Piper were talking to Mean Gene for… no reason. Why did I recap this? …Man, I miss Bret.

Only One Jackass This Week: Steve Romero is already flying out to Cali, so Marc Loyd is by his lonesome. This begs the question: who’s the catcher now? No Josh, no Steve, what’s Marc going to do?

We’ve got a trivia question for a Wrestlemania 21 prize package, plus we’ll have John Cena and Droz on the show. Marc recaps RAW-which I won’t recap (big surprise)-and recaps SmackDown! too. He says that for the Cena bit, he’ll ask the burning question: Who’s going to win between him and JBL? Cena should swerve and just say JBL will win, just to be a dick to Loyd.

But that probably won’t happen. For now, we just get our first…

[video break]

Droz’s 24 Cents: Blah blah blah, Wrestlemania hype, blah blah blah, RAW recap and Wrestlemania hype, blah blah blah, Cena/JBL and Wrestlemania hype, blah blah blah.

They move onto Orton/Taker, where Marc goes on a hilarious rant about how the chatroom is divided in half with people who think Orton is too overconfident, and half with people who think that’s what needs to be done to beat the Taker. First, I doubt that’s how the chatroom is divided, and second, I don’t think the Byte This! audience is a good sample population of wrestling fans. Me? I just hope Taker beats his ass and sends him to OVW for more training, but I can’t be that lucky.

Blah blah blah, sumo match, blah blah blah, Rey is one fast bastard, blah blah blah, Trish will beat on Spaz unless there’s interference, blah blah blah, Batista’s gonna win the belt, blah blah blah, he’s out.

C’mon Droz, you’ve been great before. What the hell? He said absolutely nothing new except his personal picks of who’s going over in what matches. Otherwise, nothing.

[video break]

Through The Bullshit, The Cena Edition: I’m going to recap this a bit differently than normal. You know how I’ve done verbatim recaps before? I’m going to do a special version of it. This will be a new game called “Through the Bullshit,” where I write what the interview was, without the exact wording, to cut the crap. You’ll understand after a moment, and if you don’t believe my accuracy, feel free to listen to it yourself. Here we go!

Marc: “So, is this a big match for you?”

John: “Yes.”

Marc: “How do you feel about JBL and his cabinet?”

John: “He sucks. They suck. They’re jealous of my phat rapz. Ruck fules!”

Marc: “Keep talking to fill time.”

John: “I’m going to win the belt. And not only that, I’m going to win the belt.”

Marc: “So, do you think you’re going to win the belt?”

John: “I’m not sure, because JBL is strong. But I’m going to win the belt.”

Marc: “Keep talking to fill time.”

John: “I like wrestling. I have fans. The fans love me.”

Marc: “Keep talking to f-”

John: “All the fans are like me, and I’m like all the fans.”

Marc: “Speaking of which, the fans like you.”

John: “I know.”

Marc: “Wanna talk to a caller?”

John: “Do I have a choice?”

Caller: “You’re cool!”

John: “I know. JBL sucks, doesn’t he?”

Marc: “You tried to piss off JBL lately, didn’t you?”

John: “Yeah, because I can’t touch him or I lose my title shot.”

Marc: “Ha! You’re right!”

John: “And not only that, I can’t touch him or I lose my title shot.”

Marc: “Ha! That’s right too!”

John: “I know.”

Marc: “So, what’s it going to be like to be going for the belt?”

John: “Time to prove myself. No one respected me. No one respects me now. Except the fans, who love me. Ruck fules!”

Marc: “Here’s a picture of you on a fitness magazine.”

John: “Yeah, and?”

Marc: “Someone e-mailed me to ask you how you keep your physique.”

John: “I grew up with it. So I do gym training. Because I grew up with it.”

Marc: “What’s your diet?”

John: “PROTEIN SHAKES~! And, uh… protein bars.”

Marc: “Keep talking to-”

John: “I make shakes from milk. And I like pizza. But not candy.”

Marc: “Pimp your fascinating hip-hop album!”

John: “I made an album. BUY IT~!”

Marc: “Did you have any hand in making it?” (God I wish I was making up that question.)

John: “Yeah, I rap on it.” (God I wish I was making up that reply.)

Marc: “You like hip-hop, right? Who do you like from the genre?”

John: “Everyone. I respect everyone, especially the artists.”

Marc: “Do you respect the artists?”

John: “I respect the artists, but I respect everyone.”

Marc: “Just to be a dick, I’m going to repeat everything we’ve already said.”

John: “Word. Ruck fules!”

Marc: “You’re an actor now too, right?”

John: “Yeah. WWE Films is awesome. Buy The Marine~!”

Marc: “You heard that I was supposed to get the role, and you stole it?”

John: “Even I can tell that’s a stupid attempt to be clever, but I’ll humor you.”

Marc: “Thanks! Speaking of which, your A Few Good Men parody rocked!”

John: “Yeah. And it rocked! And shows my phat akting skillz.”

Marc: “We’re almost done.”

John: “Ruck fu-”

Marc: “Your birthday is on April 23, right?”

John: “Yes. My birthday will be special, because I’m leaving the country. Milan fans are the best in world, because that’s where I’m going. I’m having a party too.”

Marc: “Do I get invited?”

John: “There you go again with lame jokes. But I’ll humor you, because I can’t think of anything more clever.”

Marc: “Final question: because the Sox beat the Yanks and the Pats beat the Eagles, will you beat JBL? Even though wrestling has nothing to do with non-predetermined sports.”

John: “Yes. And, yes.”

Marc: “Cool. Later.”

John: “Later.”

Marc: “Later.”

John: “Later.”

…I wish I was making up that entire interview. Hell, I wish I was making up any of it. Sigh.

Marc returns to something interesting for once. Here’s the trivia question for the Wrestlemania 21 crap: name five opponents that Taker has beaten at a Wrestlemania. That… actually is a good trivia question. When the hell did Marc flip on the Logic Switch?

[video break]

Filling Time for no reason: Caller in who names five of the opponents. Marc asks her for her picks, but you shouldn’t care about them, and should instead care about ours, which should be on the site Friday as always.

It’s only 8:54, but we’re out of stuff to talk about. Now, the intelligent among us know when it’s going to hell, and will try to bail out before making it worse. But Marc Loyd, God bless him, is doing the WWE version of the band that went down with the Titanic. He repeats everything he said in the intro, for match predictions and hype. With two minutes to spare, he’s finally given the cut signal, and we’re done.

Closing Comments: Um… one non-Droz guests does not a Byte This! make. They really need to re-sign Tazz to this. I weep for the loss.

Later, guys. Stick around for my wacky picks (and everyone else’s logical picks) this Friday, and my nerdy-as-ever stat report on Monday when we spank the swine at WrestleLine!



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