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Straight Edge
April 14, 2005

by PyroFalkon
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


Last week, I said that I wouldn’t make it past the ad box with my opening. And yet, I managed to beat the stupid thing by multiple lines. This is why Online Onslaught is the best wrestling site on the Net: even when we don’t try, we manage to achieve our goals and entertain! We make it look so easy, even when the WWE doesn’t give us good material or motivation!

So this week, I’m feeling much better. Last week, not only did I have technical issues, I guess I just had a bad day; I really didn’t feel like doing the recap. Writing is normally a release for me, and I usually have fun with the recap even if I don’t have fun with the show, so I forced myself to do it and did feel much better afterwards. Writing: 

my anti-drug! Woo hoo!

This time, I’m here on time, ready to recap. Knowing the WWE, Byte This! will attempt to irritate me and force me to smash in my brains with a full bottle of Tabasco sauce, but I will take the Marc Loydness in stride and deliver the goods, as I always do.

Intro, Guest Rundown, Media Hype: Marc Loyd is quarterbacking as always, but Steve Romero is back at center. They feel the need to waste time by talking about his triumphant return for a minute. Edge and Rey Mysterio will be in da house today; of note, Marc uses the nickname “Mr. Money in the Bank” for Edge; you can hear in his voice that he’s beseeching us to give a shit about the nickname.

Marc attempts to make us care about this being Diva Month or something, including Spaz being on the cover of a Diva magazine. They recap RAW and SD, and put over Cena and his new blinged out belt which makes its appearance tomorrow, or something. We take a break here, not just because Byte This! does, but so I can soak my face in razor blades for using the phrase “blinged out.”


Droz’s 26 Cents: Before introducing Droz, Marc updates us on his WWE Fucking Fantasy status just to piss me off. Droz is in, we recap Batista and RAW, Triple H and JR, and other shit.

(Random aside: I’ve developed a new technique for recapping these shows. Because 90% of what is said tends to be rehashed obviousness, I record the show when it’s live and then listen to it later at a fast speed unless something worthy of actually listening to happens. I’m currently listening to it at 1.50 speed (which means I’ll be done in 40 minutes). Droz and Marc, in an attempt to be clever, did imitations of Hurricane’s “Whatsupwitdat,” which absolutely hilarious sped up.)

We move onto SD recaps again, then they talk about Diva Search 2005 and how great it is. Droz says that there is nothing bad about DS2005, and hopefully the new winner will be just as successful as Spaz. Pardon me while I laugh derisively.

Droz is out after saying nothing of value. Marc says we can all apply to be the new diva, but after the ringers from last year, I can’t see any normal girl-next-door woman actually apply for it. Note: if you are a normal female who is not a celebrity and are considering applying, you’re stupid and deserve to be run over by a steamroller.


A Moral Dilemma: They introduce Edge, and pimp his nickname again to my chagrin. Edge is on, calm and completely out of character, which prompts me to slow down the playback to a normal speed. He says the match was fun, and that it could have been anything from a train wreck to something good, and luckily it was the latter.

He goes on to say that it’s tough for ladder matches because expectations are high after all the stuff they’ve done. He says it’s a challenge to try to top yourself “after some of the TLC [matches] and the stupid things we’ve done in the past” (verbatim). He says it’s entertaining at least, which the most important thing, and that they were lucky to have Shelton Benjamin there. As proof to Edge being out of character, he puts Benjamin over and says that you can count on him to do anything, athletically speaking, no matter what kind of match is going on. High praise indeed from Mr. Ladder Match. (Hm… is that more or less annoying than “Mr. Money in the Bank”?) He says Shelton’s presence helps augment the presence of himself and Benoit, who have had injuries and can’t or won’t fall off ladders anymore due to the risk of re-injuring their bodies. Good stuff.

Steve Romero tries to break the momentum by asking “How was it to win?,” which ranks up there as one of the dumbest questions you can ever ask anyone. Edge keeps the Interesting Switch on, however, and says that he was thrilled simply because it was Wrestlemania. He says that it’s not a joke or exaggeration when they call it the Super Bowl of the WWE, because it’s the biggest show they have, and to pull out a win is fantastic. He says he was most concerned about not falling off the ladder once he got the briefcase, and he basically was relieved that the match ended without anything really bad happening.

Marc, channeling Tazz, asks Edge what went on in his mind in the seconds where he was on the ladder, but right before he actually pulled the briefcase down. My connection skipped a bit, so I missed his exact wording, but he said something along the lines of giddiness or excitement because he looked down and saw Benoit and Kane on the mat, so he knew he’d have to move quickly.

Edge follows that up by saying the only time things really slowed down were when Benjamin T-boned him off the top of ladder, because in those seconds you’re hanging in the air, you don’t know where or how precisely you’ll land.

Marc switches gears and says that the fans are saying, because Edge finally won the match, will he please stop complaining? Edge laughs (a very natural, casual laugh) and says, “Yeah, but that’s what I do now.” Hilarious! He goes on to say that it’s been fun to play the heel, and to experience the change in his character in general; and that it’s even more fun to vent, and be paid for it! Man… I’m having a hard time remembering that I’m pissed off at him on a moral standpoint!

Marc, like the WWE in general, decides to now undermine what is making this whole interview click. He proceeds to ask Edge the character when he plans to use the contract for the title shot. Edge must oblige, and says that Batista is probably the best guy to use the contract against because he’s beaten him before. Holy shit, was that a logical answer??? I thought for sure I was watching a WWE program.

Edge follows up by saying that he can also outsmart Batista, but he’s not married to the idea of challenging him yet. He says that in a perfect world, he’d wait until Wrestlemania 22 because headlining that show is a dream any wrestler has. He assures us not to worry, and that he’ll wait for the most opportune time to use it.

Marc asks how the win ranks with Edge’s career Wrestlemania Moments. Edge starts by giving us a little history, saying that he’s been in the company for 8 Wrestlemanias but only appeared on 4 of them. His first Wrestlemania was the first PPV he was ever brought to, the one headlined by Steve Austin and Shawn Michaels (and I suck at history so damned if I know which one that was), but it was before his character had even been created. The first one he actually participated in was the next year, when he was part of the Brood and they floated down from the rafters to involve themselves in the Undertaker / Big Boss Man Hell in a Cell match.

He goes on to talk about the others, which I won’t bother repeating. He says that all the Wrestlemanias are big, and all of them have a special meaning for him. He really liked 21 because he missed 19 and 20 due to his broken neck, and it felt great to be back in the big show.

Marc switches gears to his assault on Benoit’s arm. Edge remains out of character, citing his history with Benoit including their two-time tag team title runs together. He calls Benoit his favorite opponent, and how Benoit brings out the best in whomever he’s wrestling.

An e-mail question asks what Edge’s favorite Hall of Fame Induction Ceremony moment. Edge says that the fans’ reaction to Hogan’s induction rocked, especially because Hogan deserved the insane pop he got. He says the whole thing was great because all seven guys inducted were guys he looked up to as a kid.

Marc asks if Edge thinks he’ll make the Hall of Fame himself. He says that while he thinks it would take being a world title holder to propel him to that level, he doesn’t try to look that far ahead. He says he doesn’t know how many years he has left due to his body, and while it would be awesome to be in the H of F, it’s not exactly a current goal of his. He finishes that subject by saying he doesn’t want to throw his name in with the greats that are already in the H of F, because he doesn’t see himself up to that level.

Marc asks him about the body in general, and Edge says that rest is not a luxury they have. For example, they landed from Australia one night and did RAW the next night. He says that he’s a little frustrated about his degenerating strength through the injuries, but he does as much as he can to keep himself as healthy as possible. They segue to stretching as part of an exercise routine, and Edge mentions that he wishes he had the patience to stretch like Rob Van Dam does. RVD apparently stretches for an hour before any match, and Edge posits that if he had at least stretched more than he currently does, he may have avoided some of the injuries he’s suffered.

They wrap up with some banter of how he’s come back from the neck injury and that his one-year anniversary since the comeback started will be soon. He’s out, and I’m still not sure if I’m supposed to hate him for his personal shit, or love him for the fact that he single-handedly made Byte This! a must-listen-to episode.

They cut to the next break without more than a few words.


Through the Bullshit, The Mysterio Edition: Rey Rey is in, and it’s time for everyone’s favorite new game!

Marc: “Hi!”

Rey: “Hi! I’m tired. But I’m happy to be here!”

Marc: “Was your match with Eddie at Wrestlemania good?”

Rey: “Yes. I sucked at parts, because I’m hard on myself. But overall, it was good. Even though I sucked at parts. But it was good.”

Marc: “You and Eddie are a tag team. Is it hard when he gets crazy?”

Rey: “Yes. It was weird to have a match with Eddie, because we’re a tag team. But I won clean, so there.”

Marc: “Keep talking to fill time.”

Rey: “Eddie screwed me. And it made me angry, because he screwed me. And just because I’m ranting without thinking, I’ll mention that ‘something’ happened between us yesterday at SmackDown!, forgetting to kayfabe the fact that SD is supposed to live on Thursdays.”

Marc: “An e-mailer asks how many masks you have.”

Rey: “A lot, because it’s entertaining for fans. I will now proceed to talk about my outfit for the next three minutes in a tired voice because I’m literally phoning it in tonight.”

Marc: “You’re on the cover on SD magazine. It was a cool cover.”

Rey: “It was a cool cover. I wasn’t on the WCW magazine covers. WWE is awesome because you can work and earn your position on the card.” [He must not watch the women’s division.]

Caller: “Thanks for your match with Eddie. Um…”

Rey: “Thanks!”

Caller: “I’ve got a question, I’m not done yet. What lucha did you like best growing up?”

Rey: “My uncle, because I wanted to be like him. So I’m trying to be like him. A bunch more too.”

Marc: “You and Cena rock because you’re both uber-talented and making a CD.”

Rey: “What?”

Marc: “I said, you’re making a CD.”

Rey: “Oh yeah. I’m making a CD. WWE is going to help, so it’s going to RAWK~!”

Marc: “Bye!”

Rey: “Bye! I rock, so Byte This! should rock too!”

…Wow, that was informative. I like Cena, and I like Rey… why do those two have to have the shittiest promos I’ve heard on BT in a long time?

[break; it was a 3-minute clip from a SD show showing us Joy Giovanni’s talents. Why are we doing Diva Search 2005 again?]

More Media Pimping For No Damn Reason: We come from break simply so Marc can declare a diva episode next week. We’ll have Upskirt Girl, GoDaddy’s Stripper, and Lita. They pimp all the diva media again… and we’re done. The fuck?

Closing Comments: There are some days when we columnists have an easy job, with our respective shows practically writing the recap for us. Other days, we have to put a little extra into our writing to make it entertaining for you, our loyal readers. But it seems really weird for both situations to happen in the same damn episode.

Edge’s bit was a fantastic interview, and I highly recommend that you listen to it. He was out of character but relaxed, talking frankly about his matches and being real, as if you were just talking to him in a bar about his job. Edge is a perfect example of the way to do smart, corporate-sanctioned, insider information. He avoided anything controversial (specifically, his fiasco with Matt Hardy and Lita), and obviously didn’t say anything that would give the WWE an excuse to fire him, but he still talked about his injuries and never once seemed like the bigger-than-life character he plays on RAW. His bit was almost as good as any given guest’s bit from the ECW episode last year. I don’t think anything will achieve the same magic as the ECW episode, but Edge’s interview comes about as close as I can think of. If you have like 20 minutes to kill this weekend, check it out. (You too, Rick.)

Conversely, Rey Mysterio was boring as hell. If I didn’t play my Through the Bullshit game, I would have fallen asleep. As always, that should be no reflection on his usual performance in the ring nor my general feelings about the guy. I love Rey Rey, and I love all his matches. He kicks all kinds of ass workrate-wise, and his promos are normally tolerable at worst, and well-above-average at best. His BT interview though should be shelved next to John Cena's.

I don’t know. Two episodes of Byte This! in a row in which the bright spots are blinding but the dark spots are darker than black? The WWE doesn’t know how to operate outside of paradoxes apparently.

Whatever. I had fun overall today, because Edge’s stuff was so good it makes up for Rey’s and Droz’s crap, and the stupid ending-that-was-a-repeat-of-the-intro. Again, take a listen to Edge’s interview if you’ve got a chance, and you shan’t be disappointed.

See you all next week!



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PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28




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