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Oh Yes It's Ladies' Night!
April 21, 2005

by PyroFalkon
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


After reading this column, highlight the entire URL in your address bar, hold CTRL, and press C to copy it to the clipboard. Then, head to http://www.gizoogle.com and paste in my URL to check it out.

Okay, so it’s only funny once probably. But trust me, if you think my wacky recaps are funny in English, you’ll love them in Pimplish.

In other news (just to get past the ad box), “Everybody Loves Raymond” and “JAG” are ending. Which I’d like to care about, although I haven’t watched any new episodes of the former and only my girlfriend really likes the latter. I enjoy regular doses of Patricia Heaton and Zoe McLellan, but I’m not too sad to see either show go.  

Not as sad as “The Office,” anyway. Oh, not to worry, it’s not going off the air permanently or anything, but the season finale is next Tuesday. It grew on me, and I hate to see the season over already… hopefully next year, NBC will have a good two dozen episodes to give me an excuse to watch that network more than twice a decade.

And because I’m past the box and have already shown myself as the shallow TV freak that I am, it’s time to get to the wrestling stuff!

Intro, Guest Rundown, Media Hype: Just to remind me that I’m doing the recapping from the equivalent of the 7th Circle of Hell, Marc and Steve tell us that it’s Diva Month! Woo hoo! And in celebration of that, we’re going to have Gail Kim, Molly Holly, and Jazz on to talk about their releases from the WWE and why the company sucks!

Sigh. Wouldn’t that make a good BT episode though? No, we really have Upskirt Dumbass, who may not know her lines without Orton’s help. We’ve also got Lita, and my favorite worthless diva simply because of Rick’s loving nickname for her, Candice Michelle, aka Boobsie McTitsalot. Wow, this paragraph forced me to add four words to my custom Online Onslaught dictionary. And you say we’re not creative around here!

Marc pimps Viva Las Divas, whatever that is (some DVD or something), and a Diva mag, blah blah blah. Then, RAW recapping and Backlash hype, in which Marc makes the following comments:

1) He doesn’t understand why Triple H was so despicable beating up JR, but does not mention why Eric Bischoff was so despicable in sanctioning it.

2) He hypes the momentum of Batista and Triple H’s feud, in effect proving that he wasn’t paying a damn bit of attention to the crowd (or OO, which ALL WWE people should read).

So as you can see, we’re dealing with a world-class moron here. At least it’s not Mathews.

They then recap SD, dropping to their knees and servicing the Angle/Eddie match (with good reason), and then we’re off to our first…


Droz’s 27 Cents: Droz chats first about Hogan’s appearance last Monday. As a side note, like Rick, I felt that the whole thing went a little too long, but I couldn’t get myself to walk away or FF through it. Which is interesting, because I have a shorter attention span when it comes to WWE TV compared to the average fan.

Marc mentions how interesting it is to see Hogan have the fan support he’s had over the decades. Droz fumbles a bit, but recovers by saying that he predicts Hogan will have that kind of power forever. He has rebuilt the character a couple times, with nWo and everything, but he’s had the fan support and everything throughout his whole career. Pretty interesting.

They now remember they’re doing Byte This!, so they decline into plain vanilla comments about Batista and Trips. Trips tried to do something bad this, Batista kicked ass that, you know.

They move onto to the other brand, and they chat about the Angle/Eddie match more. Droz says we get matches like that all the time on both brands, which makes me wonder just what the hell company he watches… but I don’t dwell on it, or I’ll be uncontrollably weeping before we’re done here.

Marc says it’s time to get to the “serious” stuff now… DROZ’S OPINION OF THE VIVA LAS DIVAS DVD!!! (Tilde bang?)

Okay, here’s the thing: I’m not that bored, and if you need to know what Droz thinks of a DVD of chicks in bikinis from his own company, you really need to have Rick personally deliver a kick to your liver. So I’m not even going to recap this, and instead give you a picture of Strongbad flipping you off.

Droz and Marc talk about how Droz’s picks will kick ass for Backlash and that WWE Fucking Fantasy players are just dying to know them… and then Droz is out.

Just because I’m not annoyed enough already, we’re going to some stupid-ass trivia to win some stupid-ass DVDs. First question: Who was the diva that Stacy Keibler defeated to be named 2005 Babe of the Year? Second question: Why the fuck should I care?

The hosts chat for damn reason about Backlash, and then a caller with less of a life than me comes on and nails the answer. Then, to get back on my good side, he says “Is there any way I can talk to Lita?” Marc is thrown off and says “Uh… right now?” The caller replies “Yes, I have to talk to her right now,” and you can hear some other guys in the background whispering and laughing. Methinks whatever the caller wants to say to Lita, it will make me fall out of my chair laughing.

But homey don’t play that, so instead of saying “Well, give me a message and I’ll tell her for you,” Marc instead replies with “Well, she’ll be on later, so try then and we’ll try to get you through.” Heh. Empty promises by the WWE, whodathunkit?


It Hurts… It Hurts!!!: Stacy Keibler is on, and we’re going to play a new game. I’ve got a state-of-the-art computer, and one of the peripherals I’ve bought for it is a USB IQ cap. It tests one’s brain and can chart out one’s intelligence in real time! I want to see how low my IQ drops for this segment, so I’m going to wear it and report the results to you.

We open with her being all cheery about how great the cover is, and that the pic is ALL HER. Does that mean no airbrushing? [insert rimshot here]

Next few minutes of blathering: how exhausting it is to be shot. “We have to get up before the sunrise which is, like, 6 o’clock or something.” Wow, already down to double-digits.

She’s thrilled to be the 2005 Babe of the Year, and she enjoys being on video or being on film equally. She comically disses airbrushing, which brings my IQ up a little bit, but then says she enjoys RAW because we get to see her true personality and everything. I guess one can live without a thought in one’s head then, huh?

“And like, oh my god, they, like, asked me to pose with this iguana on my butt, and, like, oh my god, I said no, but, like, I talked to Lita, and, like, Lita said it just peed on her, and, like, I said ‘Oh my god, that’s so gross!,’ and, like, I didn’t want to do it because it’s going to bite me and pee on me, but, like, then I did it, and it was, like, a really fun experience, but, like, oh my god, like, it was so gross!” Dear god in heaven, I just dropped below 40.

Marc says that fans all over the world want to know what Stacy’s favorite place to pose for bikinis. He also says that Mae and Moolah’s appearance with her in the Basic Instinct was priceless. Stacy agrees and says that it was fun playing that character, “because every week on RAW I’m all like, ‘Hi, I’m Stacy!’ and all sweet and innocent!” I bring that up to say that when she quoted herself, she raised her voice. Yes, you read that right: to imitate herself, she felt the need to raise her own voice. Why the FUCK do you need to alter your voice if you’re imitating it? IT’S YOUR VOICE!!!!!!!!!!

Goddamnit. How much longer is this going on? *checks the timer* I’m not even halfway though. Sigh. I hope you’re enjoying this, my friends… it looks I’m down to the single-digits here.

Marc now decides to openly wonder why Stacy was able to handle smoking the cigarette in the bit, even though she’s not a smoker. This results in a 90-second discussion about it.

[Note: At this point, my computer exploded. Thank god for auto-saving. After I got the monitor pieces out of my eyes, I reloaded the save file into my backup computer and checked out the archived version of the show. The IQ program is, apparently, a success. Damn it.]

We manage to get into discussing WWE Films. Stacy says yes… although it takes her a minute to do so. After saying that Los Angeles and Baltimore are two different cities culturally speaking, and she says the sentence “I’m 25, I’m single, and I’m 25” (I shit you not), she’s out.

Ow, my skull… One of hosts (I’m to the point where I can’t tell them apart anymore) asks the next trivia question: Which of RAW’s temporary GMs hired the Golden Globes of Idiocy to RAW make-up artist? He then says that the Byte This! crew rocks for finding such a bad-ass challenging question. Pardon me while I, as promised, weep uncontrollably.

Some loser is in, nails the question, and says he “knew the answer to the trivia question instantly.” I know I normally put the answers at the bottom, but this was RANDY FUCKING ORTON, and he knew the answer IMMEDIATELY. So either this retard likes Orton, likes Boobsie, or both. Either way, he’s a fucking moron, and I need a vacation.


It Hurts in Stereo: Okay, so Boobsie is on the line. Marc asks “You’re on your cell phone in the car?” Candice replies, “Yeah! HI GUYS!!!” Steve says, “Well, just make sure you can concentrate on the road while talking to us.” Candice says, “Oh, I pulled over, so I don’t have to talk and drive at the same time.” Huh. Steve says she’s smart, and I agree: she really should master talking and breathing at the same time first.

They ask her about her photo shoots, and she replies with what Rick likes to call a “shoot-that’s-not-supposed-to-be-a-shoot” or whatever. Candice proceeds to say that she was with the other divas like Mic Stand, and how there was no competition between them and it wasn’t about who was better or worse because they all felt like they made it to “this level of the company.” Wow.

She goes on to read from the same script that Stacy did, because she repeats THE SAME WORDS in describing the making of the DVD. It just goes to show you: the divas share one brain.

“I do so many different things for the WWE, such as posing with a bikini, or doing the video, or shooting T-shirts, and it makes everyone happy.” Huh, didn’t realize wrestling fans were that easily entertained.

[PyroFalkon’s Second Aside: So to keep myself from blowing my brains out, I’m relaying some of what I’m writing to a friend on AIM. After I sent him that paragraph, he replied: “So Cindace… exists. I mean, she just stands around and exists while other people take pictures.” We now know the secret WWE hiring policy of divas: you must 1) be hot, and 2) exist.]

The hosts ask her for some advice to the next round of Worthless Divas. She replies, “Be yourself, because I never made it to final ten, but Vince and the WWE saw something in me and hired me anyway.” Yeah, they looked in your breasts and saw implants. And, um, didn’t you make it to the finals? Or else we never would have heard of you? Shouldn’t that word have been “through,” not “to”? Then again, we all know English was never one of her priorities over, oh, say, silicone.


Lita Blows the Save: Marc asks Lita how the whole bikini thing was, and she says “Our job was just to hang out in a bikini. It wasn’t exactly hard or anything.” Finally, some honesty! Marc says, “Ha! They said it was hard!” Lita’s all, “They were lying. Yeah, sure, you have to wake up really early. But come on, it’s just bikinis and lying around in the sun. How hard is that?” Mwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!

She then proceeds to say that it’s a little annoying, because she tries to contort herself into a thousand uncomfortable positions while trying to look natural. Heh.

After a bunch of uninteresting shit involving swimming and how Lita is a better athlete than Marc Loyd, they turn to the subject of her knee. Lita says that it’s been tough trying to be on TV and keep up with her rehab schedule. Of course, it wouldn’t be so tough if she didn’t need to be on TV due to there only being three women in the frickin’ division… but we’ve talked about that quite enough, haven’t we?

She says that for the most part she’s doing fine. She can walk around and everything, but she still gets pain when she stands after sitting awhile, or walking up and down stairs, and so on. She says that while her neck injury was the toughest, the knee is still tough to fix and she has to work really hard to get her body’s strength back up.

They talk about her thoughts of Trish’s “apology” on RAW, and she actually says her thoughts. Not the thoughts of the actress Lita, which were saying “Shut the fuck up you goddamn fans and let me stay in character,” but the thoughts of the Lita character which were “Gotta play it cool until Kane pops up and chases Trish around like a horny 13-year-old and/or Rick.” Which was interesting, to be honest.

She then proceeds to dissect the story of Spaz and how well she’s come along, and she says that we have a new wrestler on the roster in Christy. Huh. Again, it may not be true and the WWE is collectively a sphincter orifice for putting themselves in this position, but at least Lita is trying to salvage something.

And then, because Lita’s been doing great so far and this is Byte This!, we get the following, in verbatim for you.

Marc: “Real quick, any advice for the hopefuls of the upcoming RAW Diva Search?”

Lita: “The two-thousand… um… what is it?”

Marc: “Two-thousand five.”

Lita: “Oh, two-thousand five Diva Search. Yeah.”

I really hope it was the pain-killing drugs that made her forget the year… please let that be the explanation.

She’s pretty much out after giving her worthless advice, and we move to the final trivia question: How many times has Lita held the women’s title?


Time Filler Despite Being After 9 PM: Caller in, gets it, Marc thanks the worthless divas, hypes SmackDown!, and because it’s still Diva Month and Jeb Lund is my hero, our diva for next week will be Randy Orton. After that stirring bit of news, we’re done. Thank god.

I’m too… something… to do closing comments. My head hurts.

Question 1: Who did Stacy Keibler beat in the finals of the 2005 Babe of the Year contest?

Answer: Lita

Question 2: What guest general manager of RAW hired Candice Michelle to be the RAW make-up artist?

Answer: Randy Orton

Question 3: How many times has Lita held the WWE Women’s Title?

Answer: Two

Where’s my Tylenol?



SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28




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