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Orton's Surgery: Was it Shoulder Repair,
or a Douchebagectomy?
April 28, 2005

by PyroFalkon
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


Howdy folks! I’ve got a question for my intro this week: what are your plans for this weekend? Watching Backlash? Catching a ballgame (be it baseball or the NBA Playoffs)?
Two weekends ago, I caught my first-ever Dayton Dragons game on Saturday with my girlfriend and her parents, where the Dragons won 3-0 I think. And in a coincidence that’s only funny to me, the next day I attended my second-ever Dayton Dragons game with my mom where they lost 3-1 or so. It was fun, and considering how few

few sports games I actually attend live, it was a great change-of-pace from my normal loser weekend life.

That brings me around to asking myself my own question: what exciting thing do I have planned this weekend? A weekend marathon of “South Park” on Comedy Central! Tilde bang!

Over the two days this weekend, Comedy Central is showing the first half of the 2005 season of “South Park,” of which I’ve seen a total of zero episodes because I’m an idiot and never bothered to set my DVR. I’m also bummed that “The Office” is done for the season, so this will be a good time-filler so I can get my daily dose of radiation from my TV. Sure, it’s only a few episodes, but it’s up there as one of my Favorite Shows I Always Forget To Watch.

But I never forget to watch Byte This! (anymore)! On with the recapping!

Intro, Guest Rundown, Media Hype: Steve and Marc are here to stink up the joint as usual. Marc is sporting a haircut that I can better by being blindfolded… he’s got the perfect face for radio. Or something. Not my line, but still funny. Neither was that one.

I’ve already confused myself, so let’s start over.

Intro, Guest Rundown, Media Hype: Steve and Marc are here to stink up the joint as usual. Marc kills all my enthusiasm because we’re going to have resident maker-funner of 14-year-old girls, Randy Orton! And Eric Bischoff. Commence the dumbass RAW and SD recapping, and commence the Standard OO Policy.


Droz’s 28 Cents: Before we get to Droz, Steve Romero utters the sentence “That’s why the WWE is great: every fan likes somebody.” Wow, I really do want to see Josh Mathews back.

Droz is in, and they recap RAW again. Mix in some plain vanilla hype, spice with SD recaps, and you have Droz’s entire introduction! Serves three.

Now we turn to something semi-interesting: Droz’s picks. In the name of Team Coverage, I’ll share them. He calls the Egos over the Ay-Holes, “I screwed Lita” over “Man I fell a long way from last year,” the Big Red Suck over the Big Black Suck, and the Ayatollah over the Little Bitch. If he called the Triple H/Batista match, I missed it. And we’re off to our second…


When Eric Isn’t Eric: Eric seems really off tonight… his first six minutes are all spent saying, in essence, “Batista’s done damn well for being in the WWE for a short time.” He tries to analyze things, but doesn’t really say anything interesting, which really strikes me by surprise.

They change gears and talk about Hogan and his current effect on fans and the industry. Eric says that he’s awed by the reaction Hogan always gets, whether that means he’s in the same building when a crowd goes ballistic or if some random people just cheer for him in an airport. Just as things pick up, Marc cuts this part short and decides to take a phone call. Asshole.

The caller asks who would be Bischoff’s first pick from SD if he could pick anyone. Eric says it’s a tie between Cena and Rey, but he leans to Rey. Burn on Cena?

Eric now turns to the ladder match. He talks about how successful it was, but that he kinda wishes he didn’t do it because any time Edge wants the title shot, he’ll have to make it happen, and he’ll have to go to a Plan B. It’s hard to plan that much, he says, although he learned how back when he ran WCW. Again, he took like four minutes to get all that out, and it still seems… just off, somehow.

An e-mailer asks if Eric would like to see a Rise and Fall of WCW DVD. I know I would, but Eric says that the Monday Night Wars DVD pretty much covered it anyway. I still need to see that.

Marc brings up the possibility that Bischoff could be drafted to SmackDown!, to which he simply responds “I live life on the edge, man.” Alrighty.

Eric now gets philosophical, saying that the draft is great because humans love the feeling of anticipation, everything from a 16-year-old anticipating his driver’s license to kids anticipating Christmas. The point? That the draft is going to rule.

Marc and Eric talk about the latter’s hair, and because straight men don’t discuss each other’s hair, I won’t recap this (suffice to say that I rolled my eyes quite a few times). Instead, their next subject is about William Regal’s autobiography. Eric’s all, “He rocks, and I haven’t read the book yet, but he’s always got a story on the road and it’s all interesting.”

This segues into Eric’s own book, which Eric promises is not coming. Marc’s all, “Wow! But everyone we ask says they want to write one eventually!” To which Eric replies, “That’s the point. Everyone else has, so why bother?” He says that he’s already said everything he’s wanted to say in interviews and DVDs and so on, so it’s not worth it. Huh.

Marc still tries to push him into it, but Eric stands his ground. “I’m in a unique situation,” he says, referring to the his history with WCW and now WWE, “but I don’t want to be like everyone else and write a possibly interesting (or not) and possibly self-serving (or not) book.” Double huh.

Eric finally concedes that maybe, after he’s retired and completely done with wrestling, he might consider writing a book. But if he does, it will be more about business and positive aspects of wrestling, instead of pulling a Flair and reliving history and old wounds.

He concludes in a non-sequitur that the WWE is all about entertainment, and that the fans always have the final say in decisions. I agree, because it was definitely all our input and pandering that forced the WWE to put this guy on TV.

They talk about Diva Search 2005, and I’m not going to lower myself to recap this either. Except to say all three had hard-ons for it. Damn them all.

After doing a semi-decent Sean Connery imitation for reasons I won’t get into, he’s out, and we’re off to our third…


The Apocalypse Is Near: Orton is in, and he’s got some music in the background, which is highly annoying. At the hosts’ prompting, he gives us an injury update. He says the surgery went well, and he’s starting to rehab a bit to get his weight (presumably his muscular weight) back up. But, he estimates that it will be a good four months before he’ll be back in the ring. Um… yay?

Marc paints this as being the worst disaster since the Heidenreich-I mean the Hindenburg-and Orton basically says “so it goes.” How very sober of him. He says that with his last injury that he had a negative attitude, but now he just stays focused to get better. He says he wants to be 100% before getting in the ring again, and he’s working on his cardio and other things in the gym as much as he can. He also reports that he’s been watching both brands and is happy with the way everyone is getting along, and is using that as a motivational tool to get healthy.

Steve now asks a question that is very poorly worded, although I think it basically amounts to “Are you frustrated that you were doing really well when you got injured?” Orton stumbles and basically says “What?,” but while it would me so easy to mock him, Steve truly was the worse mangler of the language there.

So Steve attempts to clarify, although he just basically makes a pig’s breakfast of the language again. Orton seems to understand this time, but defaults to the “get back on the bike” cliché.

Marc touches on Orton’s Wrestlemania match, and Orton does the babyface reply by almost-apologizing for the arrogance and cockiness he had about the whole thing, and that he severely underestimated the Taker’s abilities. He says that he’d probably approach the whole thing a different way if he could relive it.

Then, as if his charisma and manner and lack of fucking up three-letter words wasn’t swaying me already, he GETS LOGICAL HERE, AND EXPLAINS HIS CHARACTER’S MINDSET. He says that he simply had talked himself into the fact that he could beat the Taker, mostly in an effort to get inside the Undertaker’s head and psyche him out. He says that he knew the Taker was older and slower, perhaps with old injuries that would slow him down more, and that Orton himself has his dad’s support. He figured that with all that taken together, he would be able to beat the Taker. He says that if he could do it again, he would have taken it more seriously and would have been a little more focused. Frickin’ wow.

Steve ejaculates the Legend Killer nickname, then says that Orton is bad-ass for challenging Batista the next night. Orton, again drawing from some ungodly power of logic that we only thought Tazz knew about, explains that he wasn’t 100% confident in his dealings with Batista. He says that he figured he needed surgery anyway (which was true off-camera, if memory serves), but wanted to give it one last shot. He wanted to drain the tank, so to speak, and see if he could win one last time. Orton says that he’s young, and it’s all “live and learn” with bad decisions.

Marc now wants Orton to explain the rehab process without going into details. Orton says that for the first four to six weeks, he just lets the shoulder heal so he can get his mobility back and everything. From there, it’s about strengthening, and he makes a semi-joke (that is actually semi-funny) about his right arm being big by his standards, and his left arm being about half the size.

Marc now states that Orton is used to a high-speed lifestyle, so what’s he doing with himself now that he’s slowed down. Orton says that the days and weeks are longer, for sure, but the motivation of watching the shows is still helping him. He affirms that when traveling, they go to a bunch of different cities in a short amount of time; but now that he’s injured, he’s just looking forward to next week so he can watch the latest episode of “Nick & Jessica.” While sipping a Corona with lime, probably.

But since that’s the first thing he’s said that really implicated him being an idiot so far, I’ll let it slide. Well, I’d like to anyway, but he decides to say that there’s a lot of great shows on TV, and at Marc’s prompting, he gives free hype to “Desperate Housewives.” Sigh.

But you know something? As much as a non-guy that may make Orton in a certain webmaster’s book (as if Orton wasn’t already pretty low on the testosterone lists anyway), at least he’s showing an actual personality here. I mean, we now know that he has shitty tastes in TV shows… but at least he some taste in something, shitty or not. And hey, at least he didn’t bother reciting plot lines.

So anywho, they move on to the draft lottery. Steve asks if Orton prefers to stay on RAW or if he cares either way. Orton says it does matter, and that he started on SmackDown!, but he likes “the live show” better. He says he likes the feeling better, and how he likes the live audience. I didn’t know SmackDown! uses a taped audience! …I kid. I get it.

Orton, again channeling a logical person, says that he’ll feel pretty damn helpless during the draft. He admits that he wouldn’t have been able to do much anyway, but for this draft, he’ll be sitting on his couch and watching the thing on TV instead of being able to be with the guys in person. He says it sucks, but it’ll be good for the business and interesting to watch.

Marc diverts conversation to Backlash, and Hogan’s match. Still being in babyface mode, Orton wants Hogan and Shawn to win it. Marc follows up that question by asking if Orton would like to face Hogan. You can actually hear something in Orton’s voice that basically says, “Even talking as a fan of wrestling, that would be a dream come true.” Marc asks if Orton would be cocky going into that, and Orton replies that, knowing the way Hogan moves and works a crowd, it wouldn’t just be a one-on-one match: Orton would be fighting Hogan and the entire audience.

Marc now wants to know Orton’s thoughts on him inducting his father into the H of F. Randy says that he was looking forward to it, and enjoyed it, especially after he just absorbed the sight of all the legends in the same place on the same stage.

Marc then holds up a Randy Orton T-shirt, tells Orton that he’s holding it up, then reads the front and back. Orton’s reaction? Silence, because he doesn’t give a shit. I find that extremely funny.

To wrap up, Marc wants to know Orton’s thoughts on the whole Batista/Triple H situation from the end of RAW. Orton gives a fairly non-answer, but does continue to channel Tazz a bit by saying that the timing of the Pedigree may make the difference. He says there’s a lot of factors, but if the Pedigree is busted out early in the match, Batista may get out of it. He says both guys have finishers that can really end the match if done at the right time, so it will be a psychological match where both guys will try to vie for position of executing it. He further says that while Batista is on his shit list, he thinks Batista will take the win.

Now, as is custom with Byte This!, with things going REALLY well up to this point, Marc feels the need to lower everyone’s intelligence. He proceeds to whine that Orton gets too many marriage proposals, because there were like 20 girls (well, hopefully girls) who wrote “Will you marry me Randy?” in the chatroom over the course of the interview. Orton placates them by saying he doesn’t understand it, and that when they go overseas, the girls absolutely batty for him. I think that’s about the most sober way anyone could have responded to that.

Steve decides to get in on the stupidity, and reads that one of the chatroom sluts said “Randy should do a new finisher called the ‘Orton-gasm.’” I’m… terrified… Orton, again being about as sober as can be in a really stupid situation, simply replies, “The ‘Orton-gasm’? Wow, that’s… different.” My sentiments exactly.

The hosts bid Orton good-bye. Orton promises that he’s available whenever they want him, and he’s out. Holy shit, that was good.


End-Game Stupidity: It shouldn’t have taken me this long to realize it, but I guess Byte This! is now wrapping up every week with a shitty ending segment all about re-pimping the hype and media they’ve been talking about since the beginning. Pointlessly, I might add.

Whatever. You know the drill here: Watch SmackDown!, watch Backlash, blah blah blah. Oh, and John Cena will be on next week, to talk about his CD. Time to dust off my Through the Bullshit hat.

Closing Comments: Randy Orton was the most interesting person this week, and, aside from Edge’s interview two weeks ago, was one of the best segments I’ve heard since the magical ECW episode from November 2004. Two words: the fuck?

I don’t get it. I guess it all centers around the fact that Orton finally showed a personality, acted like a normal human being, chatted out of character here, chatted ABOUT his character and his mindset there, didn’t fall for the dumbass girl comments, didn’t fall for the dumbass Marc Loyd comments, and just generally seemed like a calm, rational person.

You know what kills me? The fact that Orton seemed so incredibly EFFORTLESS about how he conducted himself this week, and yet even the worthless divas from last week couldn’t have pulled personality from any orifice in their bodies. I don’t see how Orton, who has proven himself totally worthless on the mic on RAW, could do such a 180 in just a few weeks’ time. Has he been getting coached on public speaking in his off time? And even if he has, what spawned his sudden personality?

Last year, when I made my Columnist Debut, I mentioned that Orton annoyed me because I couldn’t see a reason to care about him. I didn’t know anything about him, and I couldn’t cheer OR boo (basically, I couldn’t care about) someone who was essentially a non-person. Honestly, tonight’s interview changed that. Maybe not permanently of course (since it “doesn’t count” because it wasn’t on TV), but at least I have some semblance of hope now.

You know, I think I’m going to just shut up with the analysis and just enjoy it. Eric Bischoff was a little off, and Droz was boring as usual, but Orton more than made up for it. For that matter, he made up for the pure shit from last week. If he came on the next RAW, I think I’d end up cheering for him, even if for only five seconds.

Interesting to say the least, and definitely worth listening to, especially if you’re a fan of young Randall. And with that, I’m out.



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RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28




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