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The Longest Hour
May 26, 2005

by PyroFalkon
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


Two weeks gone from the seat of Byte This! power, and I’m finally back! Did you all miss me?

What the fuck do you mean “who am I”? Rick doesn’t pay me enough to be insulted like this! In fact, Rick doesn’t pay me at all! Fuck all of you! You all suck! Die die die die die!!!!!

Ahem. Sorry about that. Just a little pent-up frustration at the airline industry. It’s no secret that I flew (in a plane, duh) from Dayton to Cincinnati, then from there to Los Angeles to spend three glorious days and five action-filled nights among smog and insane drivers. And of course, I had to come back, because LA didn’t want me  

anymore being all Midwestery on their asses.

And in all that time, the motherfucking security DID NOT HARASS ME. Crickey, don’t they know I’m half-almost-Middle Eastern? My last name is Habib, for fuck’s sake, and I didn’t get one cavity search! I followed the rules about putting shoes on the X-ray belt and everything, AND NO ONE NEEDLESSLY YELLED AT ME.

What kind of post-9/11 world is this when the honest innocent guy with a Middle Eastern name can’t get his civil rights violated in the most heinous ways in the middle of a crowded international airport (or in the case of Dayton, an empty international airport)? You’d think the world was turning Nice and Logical. Fuckers.

Of course, the real salt in my vagina (yes, SALT, not sand) is that Carrie won. Doesn’t America know that country singers are a dime a dozen? Bo kicked ass! I only saw one song from each of them, and I’d buy a Bo CD before a Carrie CD any day. Then again, I’d also put a bullet in my mouth before buying a CD from either of them, so maybe I have no right to complain.

I have plenty more to say on TV Shows That Actually Matter (24 and NCIS, for two) but you’re not here for that. In fact, you’re not even here for Internet Shows That Actually Matter. You’re here for Byte This! information! So here we go!

Intro, Guest Rundown, Media Hype: You better get your serum doses on hand, because we’re going to have Stone Cold Steve Austin! (Serum, rattlesnake, get it? Yeah, I know, it wasn’t funny. Screw you, I’ve been gone too long.) Along with Droz, and… um, no one. Wow, this already sounds like a winning episode.

Blah blah blah, watch The Longest Yard, and so on so forth. They recap RAW, and I don’t recap recaps of recapped recaps of recapping recapped recaps. Then they recap SmackDown!; see previous sentence.


Droz’s 30 Cents: We open with the declaration of Droz being 3-3 for Judgment Day. This means, I’m as good as Droz. Why do I suddenly feel the need to vomit?

Blah blah blah, Cena is now a legitimate champion, blah blah blah, JBL bled a lot, blah blah blah, Angle was kicked in the hoo-hahs, blah blah blah, Hell in a Cell will ROCK~!, blah blah blah, Longest Yard will ROCK~!, blah blah blah, Romero is wearing a shirt with superheroes on it and Droz likes it, blah blah blah.

And, uh, we’re done. Wow, that was informative. First trivia question of the night: On what CBS show was Steve Austin a frequent guest star? Winner gets a Pack O’ Shit with a Longest Yard theme! Footballs, visors, and more crap destined for eBay!

Finally, some Texan freak gets the answer right after about two minutes. I actually knew this one, and if I know it, the rest of America doesn’t have an excuse. The caller kisses ass by saying he watches every WWE program, from RAW to Bottom Line… and they say I need a life.


Inside the Actors’ Studio with James Lipton (and Stone Cold Steve Austin): Steve is in, sounding totally un-thrilled about it. He’s his best Stone Cold self, saying that it was hot as hell and a beer drinkin’ fun time to be in Longest Yard. He goes on to say that Kevin Nash was awesome too, and not at all stupid or injured. Steve says he’s seen the finished movie twice already, and loves it.

Steve gets a little logical where he says that it’s tough to compare the original Longest Yard with the new one, because Adam Sandler will naturally put his own humorous spin on it than Burt Reynolds did. Austin has nothing but compliments to Sandler and Chris Rock, calling them both easy-going guys and how much enjoyable it was.

Austin goes on to say how weird/cool Bill Romanowski is. While chilling, Romanowski is an ordinary, laid-back guy too. But on the football field, Romanowski is a “madman in a helmet” and a totally different guy. Adrenaline and testosterone abound, apparently.

Steve talks a bit about the differences between choreographed versus real football, which was interesting, but enough so to recap. Apparently Bill Goldberg was there for the filming too, but Steve didn’t have much to say to or about him. Although, Steve does say that it’s interesting to see Goldberg in a role outside of the one-dimensional nature of wrestling.

They switch gears to WWE Films, including Steve’s first role in a movie called The Condemned, which starts filming this fall. He talks nothing of plot, and just prattles on about how he wants to be in the spotlight. Oh Steve, you diva, you.

Phone caller in now, who asks if Steve is planning to do a movie with The Great One (The Rock, not Wayne Gretzky) and what kind of movie it would be. Steve, hilariously, issues the corporate answer: “Well, Rock’s probably really busy, but if the right project came along at the right time with the right people, sure, I’d be happy to do it!” That sounds straight out of a press release… Steve’s really got to get some more beers in his system.

Marc asks for comments about how great it is for Steve and Rock to have transitioned to movies from wrestling. Steve uses this opportunity to give one long, non-answer that eventually winds up with him re-hyping The Condemned. It was artful in its evasion.

Steve Romero then goes on a tangent about great wrestlers have been complimented from directors and other Hollywood types with how accurately wrestlers nail their lines and all that. Austin expertly manages to convey “that’s because we’re all actors in wrestling, you dumbass” without blatantly saying wrestling is choreographed by saying, “On RAW and SmackDown!, we’re used to performing with a certain set of guidelines where we have to get our timing right.” Nicely played, Rattlesnake.

Now they’ve decided to actually talk about wrestling. Austin talks about Piper, saying that the greatest thing about Piper is that he was never a tweener; he was either a face, or a heel, and he was damn good at making the audience love him or hate him.

They blather on about Austin’s part in Ashton Kutcher’s retarded Punk’d show; I like Kutcher, but I hate the show to the point where I’m not going to bother repeating what was said.

The last thing Marc wants from Austin is some more hype from Longest Yard. For my money, I’m going to check it out simply because I make it a point to watch all Sandler movies. I normally am quite disappointed, but so it goes.

Austin is out, after saying he’ll shoot the shit (verbatim) with Marc some more on Byte This! sometime. That’s the second time he’s said “shit” on the show. OMG FCC FINES!!!

Second trivia question: What cast member of Longest Yard was a guest ring announcer in Wrestlemania 10?


Ending Noise: Caller in, who gets the question right. The caller idiotically says that the Steve Austin interview kicked all kinds of ass, and hopes to see him back in the WWE soon. More hype, and we’re done.

Closing Comments: Interesting… I guess I tuned into the wrong website or something, so I truly and deeply apologize for that. See, I had assumed that Byte This!, being produced in and shot from WWE headquarters, would have stuff about, you know, wrestling. I guess I watched a Byte This! Hollywood Edition or something.

Question 1: What CBS show did Steve Austin guest star in?

Answer 1: Nash Bridges

Question 2: What cast member of The Longest Yard was a guest ring announcer of Wrestlemania X?

Answer 2: Burt Reynolds 



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