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Kayfabe Ain't Cool
June 23, 2005

by PyroFalkon
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


We’re entering a stretch of the calendar that I have come to dislike. I like the heat, because I’ve always felt better being too hot than too cold. If you’re too cold, you can always pile on more clothes, true; but if you’re too cold, then you don’t feel like doing ANYTHING aside from huddling under a blanket and/or a member of the opposite sex. At least when you’re too hot, you still can do stuff, provided it’s not outside and too active. 
Anyway, the point is that this stretch of late June to late August sucks because my second love of sports officiating is dormant. Many of the little leagues around here are ending their respective seasons, but football officiating is still two months away. So for those two months, I don’t get to do my second-favorite job in the world. I   

always prefer officiating football over officiating baseball, but I prefer officiating baseball over doing nothing. But, for two months, I have to settle on occupying my time with only my first love.

Which is writing, of course. Some (especially certain baseball fans from Jamestown, Ohio) would say I write better than I officiate. Unfortunately for them and my girlfriend, I don’t do anything better than write. That doesn’t make sense, but I’m stealing a line from a movie for the purposes of getting past the ad box.

I am, now, so get ready for some more of that non-award-winning writing from me!

Intro, Guest Rundown, Media Hype: Vengeance is this weekend, which will be on WWE.com too. If you buy the webcast, you also get seven classic matches free from 24/7.

The guests tonight will be Triple C and Triple H. One of them, I’m looking forward to: two guesses to which one. Droz will be here too to play Team Coverage.

As per the custom, they recap RAW first. In an amazing usage of continuity, they draw the parallel between Triple C winning the IC belt on his first night on RAW, just like he won the US belt on his first night of SmackDown. And here I was thinking WWE had given up on continuity entirely.

They blab uninterestingly about Triple H, so I won’t bother recapping that. Then they switch the focus to SD, where Randy pulled out the dick card against the Taker. That’s apparently the only interesting thing that happened on UPN, so we go to…

[break: I like Cena, but is it wrong of me to wish that Biggie was still alive to produce another album of hip hop that’s actually good beginning to end?]

Droz’s 32 Cents: Droz summarizes HitC: “Expect two big men, blood, guts, wrestling, and you’ll see them dig down deep.” I’m increasingly becoming aware that Droz’s Tazz-like analyses are the exception, not the rule. By the way, he calls this one for Triple H.

More vanilla comments about the triple threat match, although Droz calls it for Cena. Droz also calls HBK over Angle, because he says that HBK won’t tap twice.

Droz kisses Carlito’s ass, and says he’ll defend it.

They turn to Edge… I don’t give a fuck what Rick or the rest of the wrestling world thinks, I was busting my ass laughing at the Matt Hardy swerve during the wedding. Yeah, maybe it was tasteless, but so are 99% of the jokes out there; that’s doesn’t make them unfunny. Anyway, Droz calls Kane to win here.

For the divas, Droz puts Christy over Victoria. Heavens, I hope not.


Cool: Triple C is the coolest IC champion ever. And if you don’t agree, he’ll spit in your face. Because that’s cool.

Marc plays Word Association, just like last time

Batista: “Overrated.” Ouch.
Triple H: “Smart man.” That’s two words.
HBK: “Has-been.” BURN!
Y2J: “Lame host.” Lame answer.
Cena: “Target.” Nice!

Triple C says that the draft pick to get him on RAW is the Coolest Thing Ever, and is much bigger than Angle or Cena going there. He says he’ll bring the Cabana over too, to replace the Highlight Reel. Hmm…

Carlito calls Teddy Long an abuser, but kisses Bischoff’s ass, but doesn’t do so with any amazing amount of wit. An e-mailer asks if the turning point of his RAW match was when Shelton Benjamin killed himself, and how Carlito turned it to his advantage. Carlito, hilariously, replies: “How did I take advantage of it? I beat the crap out of him for the rest of match!” Oh man, I haven’t laughed like that in a long time.

Another e-mailer asks how deeply Carlito loves apples. He says that it’s his favorite fruit and that it sticks to the skin better. Marc doesn’t get the secondary meaning; hell, I’m not sure Carlito got the secondary meaning.

Some caller asks if Carlito is helped by being a second-generation wrestler. Carlito replies that he didn’t need help, because he’s himself, and that’s all it will take for him to win any belt he wants. Heh.

Marc asks how Carlito felt walking out into Wrestlemania 21. Again and perfectly in character, he says, “You should ask everyone else how it felt for Carlito to walk out to them. It’s just another day for me.” Double heh. He also says the cheap stunner from Austin was nothing, and that Austin couldn’t do it if they had an actual match.

They ask if Carlito’s dad will be in the Hall of Fame, and Carlito says he should, but for no other reason than BEING Carlito’s dad.

Finally, Marc asks for cool lessons from Triple C. He replies simply with, “Quit the business.” This does not gel with Marc, who says, “But what would we do then? How would anyone know how cool you are if we weren’t around to tell them?” Carlito replies, “Everyone knows I’m cool, you don’t need to tell me. And I wasn’t trying to insult you, but I was giving you advice: just quit the business.”

With that, Carlito is out, telling us that the pleasure was all ours, and we’re off to…


Through the Bullshit: The Triple H Edition: It hasn’t been that long since the last time Trips was here, and he annoyed me once. Can we expect an Emmy-winning interview???

…Probably not.

Steve: “Triple H will be good. He’s never lost in a Hell in the Cell.”

Marc: “You’re right. But he lost to Batista twice. But it’s in a HitC. Because Triple H has never lost in an HitC. And he’s shortened careers in his HitC matches!”

Steve: “Not only that, but Triple H has shortened careers in his HitC matches.”

Marc: “Let’s repeat ourselves because we need to fill time!”

Steve: Narf! Poit!

Marc: “He’s here!”

Trips: “Hi.”

Marc: “Batista always beat you, but you never lost in HitC!”

Trips: “It’s all the ref’s fault I lost the second time. I’ll win this time. And I’ll win this time and be the 11-time Champion. And I’ll win.”

Marc: “What’s HitC like?”

Trips: “It’s hell. I’ve never lost in a cell. I’ve won every time in the cell.”

Steve: “How much are you going to psyche out Batista?”

Marc: “Yeah, because the cell is hell!”

Trips: “Uh… it’s… uh… a big mental thing. Batista is scared. And he’s scared of me. And he’s scared of the cell. Because he’s scared. He’s scared of the Pedigree. He’s just scared. Because I’ll win by the Pedigree. He’s scared. Because I’m going to win.”

Steve: “You’re not scared?”

Trips: “I’m going to win. I’m going to walk out with the belt. Because I’m going to win.”

Marc: “Say something even remotely original, please.”

Trips: “I retired Mick Foley. And I killed Kevin Nash’s career. And I kicked Shawn Michael’s ass. Because the cell is hell.”

Marc: “But what about you? You’ve been in a bunch of cells, so are you hurting?”

Trips: “I don’t know. I’m focused, but I don’t know. Because the cell can shorten or end your career. But has it shortened mine… I don’t know. But anytime you’re in a match like that, it shortens your career. Because it’s like being punched in the head in boxing. Because the cell shortens careers. Eventually.”

Caller: “Hi! What if you’re drafted to SD after beating Batista?”

Trips: “I don’t know. I don’t care. I’ll kick everyone’s ass. I just want to be the best. I want the belt. I’m the number one wrestler, so wherever I am is the number one show.”

Marc: “What do you feel when you’re in the cell?”

Trips: “It’s scary. Especially if you’re on top of it. Because it’s large. And scary, and intimidating. It’s exactly like jumping in your car and driving directly into a brick wall.”

Steve: “You taught Batista everything he knows, but not everything you know. Right?”

Trips: “Yeah, but it’s not just that. I taught Batista everything he knows, but not everything I know. That’s what Evolution was all about. Teaching people to win, but not win against me. Which is why I’ll win.”

Marc: “An e-mailer asks if you’d want to stop winning title belts at 15-time, out of respect for Flair’s 16 times.”

Trips: “Um… That’s a good question, not one I’m prepared for on this show. But I think I’d go for my 16th or 17th win because that’s what Flair would want. Yes, that’s what Flair would want.”

Steve: “Is the Elimination Chamber anything like the Hell in the Cell?”

Trips: “No, because you’re fresh in those glass pods. Because you can rest. Because everyone else is fighting. So you get to rest in the glass pods. Because everyone else is fighting. So you enter fresh. Because you get to rest in glass pods. But not in the cell.”

Steve: “What do you think of the RAW draft picks?”

Trips: “They’re all talented and A-list stars. They’re all good. But Cena sucks. Because he hasn’t jobbed to me… I mean, faced me in a match yet. Because he sucks.”

Steve: “Do you have a ritual for a cell match?”

Trips: “Mental preparation. I get myself in a zone. You have to mentally prepare yourself. Because HitC is dangerous. So it’s just mental preparation. So I get in a zone. And as the day comes closer, I’ll be more and more in the zone.”

Marc: “Thanks for coming. You were not at all repetitive.”

Trips: “Thanks. For all you fans, if you haven’t seen one of these matches, buy Vengeance. If you have, buy Vengeance.”

Marc: “We’re done, but hold on to your balls fans, because we’ve done it again! This week we had Batista…”

Steve: “Triple H.”

Marc: “Right, Triple H… and Carlito! And next week, we’ll have… wait for it… wait for it… JIM ROSS AND ROAD WARRIOR “ANIMAL”!!!!!! TILDE-FUCKING-BANG~!!!

Closing Comments: I would have been upset with Trips’s interview, except I’m so desensitized to hearing the same damn speech fifty-two times a week, I just don’t care anymore.

I still feel that the formula to BT is to have all the wrestlers be out of character and talk honestly and insider-ly about things. But if the E insists on putting forward their guys in characters, then they should be over-the-top like Carlito. I mean, he didn’t sway from the “cool” theme and was just the biggest prick in the world. It was great!

Triple H? Total retard, repetitive, and boring. But what else is new, huh?

Not a bad episode, but not the best either. I’m out, and I hope to see you next week.



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