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Bitch 101, with Professor Victoria
June 30, 2005

by PyroFalkon
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


If you’ve been around here awhile, you’ll know that I’m a very patient and tolerant man for the most part. A lot of things annoy me, but I never let anything bother me… I pick my battles, and 99% of the common everyday annoyances just aren’t worth my brainpower when I have things I want to accomplish.
That said, there is one pet peeve of mine that has been bugging the hell out of me. Yesterday, I went to Blockbuster to grab a couple movies (I finally got around to watching The Hunt for Red October), and in the checkout counter, some stupid bitch was in front of me. She was not a stupid bitch because she delayed the line, or because

she paid in pennies, or anything like that. I can actually tolerate that.

No, this annoyingly worthless female (who is roughly about my age, around 22) looked to be one of the popular clique of high school, who was still trying to keep that attention. And keeping that attention apparently included finding some large football player whom she went to school with, and they proceeded to have a conversation that extended to all walls of the store.

And I know body language is a lot of communication, but she did the “annoyed and/or angry head shake” constantly while screeching. The jock didn’t help things, because he just goaded her into talking more. Their conversation, which seemed to be about why this jock was more valuable to his team than a teammate or something, lasted a good five minutes, and consisted of several uses of the word “fuck” and “shit.” Sure, people like you and me aren’t offended, but a kid who was less than 10 was checking out the Spongebob Squarepants movies nearby. I mean really, have some fucking courtesy for other people!

And then, they finally herded themselves outside, and I paid for my movies. I left, and they were still talking on the sidewalk. As I got in the car to go home, the bitch looked at me and just said “Hey you! What’s your name?” I should have lied just to be a dick, but I didn’t. She replies with, “I went to high school with you!,” then ignored me as she resumed her pointless story with the jock.

So, yay, she went to high school with me? So did 1000 other people. And probably 970 of them were less abrasive, less bitchy, and simply less worthless. She was what most people would call “hot,” but ladies, you lose many Hot Points if you’re stupid and obviously attention-garnering. After two seconds of hearing her voice, I didn’t want to take her to bed, I wanted to take her to the Ohio River and dump her corpse. What a bitch.

The only way you can be a bitch and still be hot is if you’re a bitch in a cool way. Victoria is, and she’s one of the guests for Byte This! tonight… but, I’m getting ahead of myself.

Intro, Guest Rundown, Media Hype: Opening with Queer Eye for the Idiot Guy, Marc Loyd spends a minute commenting on Steve Romero’s shirt. Once the gayity ends, Marc promises that Jim Ross will be our guest tonight. Even though I made fun of it last week, I do appreciate hearing JR speak now and then… I just wish he could (or would) do it out of character.

Also up, as mentioned in the intro, is Victoria. She’s a replacement for Road Warrior Animal, who couldn’t make it this week, but will be there next week. Apparently, everyone in the chat room is protesting because they wanted Animal over Victoria. Whatever.

They recap RAW, then go to break.


Droz’s 33 Cents: Absolutely nothing interesting happens here, aside from Droz calling Benoit to win the five-man match this Thursday for the SmackDown! title. Other than that, I don’t recap recaps of RAW, SmackDown!, or Vengeance.


The Only Thing Missing Was the Awesome 2003-2004 Music: Victoria is on, sounding awfully bouncy and out of character. By tone alone, she sounds about as spastic as… well, Spaz. I already liked her body and wrestling ability, but a nice rich voice too? Mmm…

“People came up to me and asked, ‘Why did you have to cheat against Christy?’ But I said, ‘I don’t cheat, I win.’ That’s all that matters.” That’s amusing.

She segues into a rant where she says “I’m pissed about not getting TV time for the last year when idiots like Mic Stand and McTitsalot get it, even though they bring nothing to the table but breasts” without saying the words. She also says that she started off as one of Godfather’s hos, but she hopes that her declaration of war against Christy will motivate the “model-ly” girls to get in the ring and actually wrestle. She’s really saying all our thoughts but staying well short of the line to be fired.

Victoria backpedals a bit, saying that she does not want to judge anyone, because she was in their shoes before (being new and just eye candy). She says she earned the respect from Trish and others when Godfather put her through a table years ago. She hopes that the divas nowadays will follow in her footsteps with training, and she hopes the women’s division expands.

She talks a bit about her training, and how there were no girls to work with in OVW. Instead, she trained with Robert Conway and Eugene (who were a tag team in OVW, for all you marks out there), and William Regal.

Marc takes the ball and runs with a bit, saying something that surprises me because it comes out of his mouth. He says that the women’s division is in flux, with Lita and Trish hurt… He does not say that the division is pretty much down to only Victoria, but the implication is there from his neglect to mention anyone else, including Spaz.

Victoria says that you can see a lot of that reaction in the fans, too. She says that she realized they wanted to see some more action from the women. She said that she was completely surprised how they reacted when she kicked the shit out of Spaz and Lawler in the bikini contest (that is, she was amazed they popped when she did a “heelish” action).

She segues from there to OVW, saying that it has plenty of female talent, and that the women’s division will expand and return to its former glory. As always, to shoot the momentum to hell, Steve asks (on behalf of an e-mailer) whether Victoria would pose for Playboy. She says that she’s open to it, and is pissed that she’s second-choice to Christy, so she’s not exactly on friendly terms with Hef, although he doesn’t know what he’s been missing. Personally? I’d like to see her naked, but without the airbrushing or the Prostitution Makeup Treatment.

Speaking of non-wrestling stuff, she talks about her trip to Canada (and then Disneyland) with Christian in a benefit for children from dysfunctional homes. She gushes a little too much (“I’m so honored to be a part of it!”), but she sounds honest, and I buy it. She then goes on about how cool it was to be in Disneyland, and how cool it was to see the kids all happy and everything to be there too.

She warns us that she’s about to be dorky, but she says (in one the cutest voices I’ve ever heard, no exaggeration) that it was really awesome to meet Mickey Mouse, Goofy, and the rest. She says that she was totally marked out like an 8-year-old, and even wore the Mickey ears while watching the parade of Disney characters. She says that all the characters waved to her, and at first she thought it was because they thought she was cute in the ears, but apparently their Disney-employed VIP escort was pointing out to the characters to wave to her. Although that slightly disillusioned her, she was still very happy.

From that, they talk about Victoria’s interest in motocross, and her photo shoot in whatever island it was where the iguana sat on her. After that they talk about a new restaurant that she opened called Fat Tony’s Pizzeria. It’s in Louisville, Kentucky, where many of the OVW wrestlers went to eat on their “cheat day.” It only opened on June 20, so go there if you’re in the area. Hell, I may go down there myself, just to get her autograph.

In the chatroom, because I’m a glutton for punishment, I write the question: “Victoria, do you like being a heel better than a face?” soon after the interview commences. Someone else writes, “Why isn’t the shop called ‘Hot Victoria’s Pizzeria’ instead?” after she says this part. Guess which one the hosts ask?

Victoria again giggles though, and says that she may be cocky in the ring, but is not outside it. For some reason, I find that extremely easy to believe.

She’s out, but she says that she’s not done with Spaz, nor is she done with the current crop of divas, because someone has to officially welcome them into the WWE, and she’ll be the one to do it. Heh.


All Sauce, No Meat: Opening with Hell in the Cell, JR shares that referee Tim White was injured during one of those matches and hasn’t been the same since. I knew he was off TV, and I do miss him, because he’s a kick-ass ref… but was it really a HitC match that did it?

JR shoots the shit about Batista and Triple H (including putting Triple H over as the king of HitC matches despite losing the one at Vengeance), then moves on to Kurt Angle and Shawn Michaels, going into light versions biographies of them for a couple of minutes too. He says that their matches together were equal in greatness, although he says the Wrestlemania 21 match may stick out more just because it was at Wrestlemania. Interesting observation.

He talks in broad generalities about the lottery draft, then equates Hulk Hogan with classic rock (“You’re in the mood for some classic rock now and then.”) A caller is on who asks if JR will come out with another cookbook… geez, you get one chance to ask a WWE worker something and you ask… ah, never mind.

JR answers that he probably won’t write another cookbook, but he’s toyed with the idea of writing a book on his career. He said he’s not really ready for it yet; he’s more interested in documenting the history of the business and the hall of famers. He says that the WWE moves so fast that current fans can’t appreciate where we came from. I agree with that assessment… I mean, I’ve been all about learning ECW history since January when I saw Rise and Fall, and that all that happened only a decade ago.

Someone in the chatroom asks if he likes working with Coach… JR is sort of complimentary to him, and he says “It will mesh in time, but like everything new, it takes awhile to gel.” Hm… sounds like they’re permanently going to this three-man booth crap? I do like the hidden Rossism like he gives on Mondays. “We’ll be good in time” is code for “This fucking sucks, but I’ll make the best of it.”

They move onto a new DVD about the Road Warriors (which explains why Animal was going to be on). JR says that they had frank conversations with Animal about himself, Hawk, Hawk’s demons, the face paint, and so on. He says that he’s his own worst critic, but is proud of his work on it, which means it’s probably pretty cool.

Marc addresses NCAA football, which I refuse to recap. (Constant football talk on Byte This! annoys the shit out me almost as much as stupid bitches who share conversations with entire Blockbuster stores.) I know JR is passionate about his Sooners, but this is frickin’ Byte This!, not SportsCenter.

JR is out, and it’s trivia time: What team did the Road Warriors beat in SummerSlam 1991 to win the tag team belts? While they wait for a caller with the answer, they recap everything they’ve already recapped. A caller is in, gets the answer, and gets two more follow up questions. Who managed the Nasty Boys, and who did the Road Warriors beat in 1997 for their next tag belt wins?

Those answers will be after my closing comments as always… and we’re done.

Closing Comments: Hm. I like Victoria, but I honestly did not expect her to be that good. The WWE pulled a little slight-of-hand with her interview, green-lighting the “I hate the worthless divas” comments probably because it was in-character, and because she didn’t really get hostile or anything to the company. Either way, she came across very natural and relaxed. Take note, idiots at WWE.com: that is how you conduct a simple, effective, company-sponsored insider interview. The interview wasn’t exactly full of hard questions, but “open, relaxed, and somewhat kayfabed” is better than “asshole, repetitive, and boring.”

By the way, her giggle may not be as disarming as Trish Stratus', but damn did it made me a little tingly.

Jim Ross wasn’t too bad until things turned to the NCAA. What annoys me with the JR interview is they spent too much time (read: anything more than one second) talking about current events. This is a man who was with the WWE for a long time, and has seen it grow from a different perspective than the wrestlers. JR must have some awesome stories and opinions; I’d love to ask him if he, like Paul Heyman, believes serious competition would be in the best interest of the WWE.

I think any interview with Jim Ross outside a RAW episode should focus mostly on him and his past, not what’s going on with WWE storylines (unless he wants to break kayfabe when talking about it). And again, the last two minutes were all about the Sooners; I don’t want to know details about your hobbies, I want to know details about you. Share your stories! Analyze the business!

Droz? Totally worthless. But what’s new?

Overall, not too bad. Victoria’s bit is worth listening to, but the rest is not. And with that (and the trivia questions), I’m out.

Question 1: What team did the Road Warriors beat at SummerSlam 1991 to win the tag belts?

Answer 1: Nasty Boys

Question 2: What 2005 Hall of Fame inductee managed the Nasty Boys?

Answer 2: Jimmy Hart

Question 3: What team did the Road Warriors beat in 1997 to win the tag belts again?

Answer 3: The Godwins 



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