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OO BYTE THIS RECAP
Who's Been Punk'd?
July 14, 2005

by PyroFalkon
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last week, after Byte This!, I was still in shock. On Thursday, I grieved by myself, pretty much locking myself in my house and not doing anything else. On Friday, I still felt like being by myself, but I knew I needed to get out. Plus, my girlfriend - named Kelly, I might as well mention her name since I talk about her every fourth recap - gave me an opportunity to see an ARCA race live. I have never been to a race before, and though racing in circles never really interested me, I decided to go. 
 
Besides, I got to see it from a really interesting perspective. See, Kelly’s dad is part of the pit crew for driver Mark Gibson, so we were going to get infield and pit road passes. So on Friday afternoon, Kelly, one of her friends, and I drove to Kentucky Speedway.

Let me tell you, first of all… the sense of speed those cars go 

is insane (and IRL cars go faster). No television network accurately conveys the speed… it’s just crazy-fast. The few seconds I was there, all I was thinking was “How the fuck does anyone manage to not crash going 140 mph in turns?” It was great, and that was just the practice and qualifying!

Once the race finally started later that night, I was able to watch it from on top of the trailers they use to bring the cars to the track. That gave me a hell of a view from the infield, and I was able to see everything except the apron on turns 3 and 4. Plus, the three crashes all happened around turn 1, where I had the best view possible to see the carnage. Had I been any closer to the track, I would have been too close, and wouldn’t have had the field of view to see the crashes from beginning to end.

This ARCA race only had one pit stop, and I zero view of pit road from my position on the trailer, so I got down when the pit stops were looming. And again, no camera can convey the insanity in pit road correctly. I got to see Gibson’s pit stop from literally ten feet away. Oddly, the pit stop seemed slower in person than it does on camera. But, you don’t get see all the action behind the wall on TV. Guys throwing tires here, catching gas cans there, yelling and pointing everywhere… and when Gibson accelerated out after it was over… man, the tire squeal and burning rubber… it was awesome!

The experience still does not exactly make me a card-carrying NASCAR fan (or ARCA fan, or even racing fan in general). But trust me, the race seems to go much faster in person, and even more so when you’re in the infield. It was really cool, and just the thing I needed to help the healing process begin.

Okay, now that I’m way past the ad box, I’m ready to recap BT. Don’t worry all, I’m back in form, and should be able to bring some semblance of humor this week.

PyroFalkon’s Aside: I tuned into Byte This! at 7:57 pm, and they started immediately. That was my first indication something was up, because they never start early. Second, the seek bug in the seek bar of the media player was moving. When a video streams from the Internet (i.e., when it’s live), the seek bug stays locked at the beginning. It moved, which means what I was watching had a time limit and was not live. Hmm…

If Byte This! is not live, this means 1) whatever happens could have been recorded anytime in the studio, and 2) it could easily have been rehearsed and/or have multiple takes, and 3) absolutely nothing that’s going to happen is “unpredictable.” WWE must have screened this already, and knows what’s happening, cleared it, and put it on the site.

Before the opening theme, Todd Grisham is there (flying solo without Steve Romero fucking things up), and he says “Everyone can call in, because nothing is off-limits in our discussion with Lita.” Yet, he does NOT give the phone number; and again, if this isn’t live, they can’t take phone calls anyway.

Just to double-check things, they did not announce a special time for this to air tonight. That means they intentionally recorded this knowing they would not take a single call from a fan, and they won’t be watching the chatroom.

This is the ultimate proof of a work, in case anyone is still thinking otherwise. The WWE has effectively isolated fans from calling in; any calls that may happen here are a work too. I see no reason now that Lita will be out of character to talk about this angle… we’re going to be all part of the show again. Motherfucking assholes… I’m already pissed.

Intro, Lita: New theme song for BT… The intro blows, but the main part of the song isn’t bad, I guess. Lita is in the studio, and thanks Todd for “not peeing on her; I know you had a request to do it.” Um… that was really random.

Todd asks for her reaction of things in general. Lita’s all, “For the past few months I’ve kept my mouth shut, but now I’m not, and it’s not cool that Matt beat the shit out of him.” Todd summarizes on Matt’s post on his message board after RAW, and wants Lita’s opinion on that. Lita says she hates that she’s the first one to break his heart, but tells him to grow up and get over it. She says everything he’s done is illegal, and he needs to just move on, because she has. This is already really fucking lame.

Lita continues by putting herself over, and says that she’s very a private person, which is why Matt brought this upon himself (the fuck?), and that it’s all his fault she cheated on him because he put wrestling before their relationship. In an actual wise comment, she says “Why is it the fans’ business about our life?,” which I buy, except I remind myself this is still a work.

They just gave out the phone number, and say they’ll take questions from the chatroom. But again, I have proof I’m not watching this live. Hell, I just jumped ahead one minute of the show and back to make sure. Fucking WWE is now lying to the fans. I forgive misspeaking, but I can’t stand lying. Somewhere in OVW, Paul Heyman wonders if Vince learned a damn thing from ECW’s success.

An e-mail they allegedly received from a fan asks if Lita “feels bad” about all the bad press she and Edge have received over the past few months. How the fuck would you expect Lita to answer that with anything but “Yes I felt bad”? And, of course, that’s precisely how she replies.

She says that she no longer goes out to eat or sign autographs because she doesn’t want to hear the chants or negative comments, which I can believe… or I could believe it, if the WWE hasn’t proven to me in the last five seconds that everything they’re going to say tonight it total bullshit. Anyway, Lita goes on blathering for the next minute, basically repeating what she did at the beginning of the show.

Second e-mail: Did Lita think that viewers would be this interested in her life? She says no, but yet again, this entire episode is bullshit, so who the fuck knows if she’s in-character or out of it? I think the actor should know that casual fans are that interested in lives of celebrities. Just from her own profession, did she not learn anything from the reactions to Chyna’s sex tape, Mick Foley’s Have a Nice Day, Bret Hart’s Wrestling With Shadows, WWE’s Are We There Yet, or WWE’s Rise and Fall of ECW DVD? Damn it, I’m getting really pissed right now.

Third e-mail: How is Lita’s relationship with Jeff Hardy? Who the fuck would give a shit about that? She says that Jeff has Matt’s back because they’re brothers, so she and Jeff pretty much have nothing to do with each other.

Fourth e-mail: Is there a chance that Lita and Matt can be friends or even lovers after this? Lita, obviously, says no, then follows that up with “but who knows the future may bring?” What the fuck is that answer? That’s too stupid to be in-character, because Lita the character should be hating Matt Hardy and wishing his early demise. But it can’t be out-of-character, because again, we’re not playing “Tell The Fans The Truth” tonight.

Fifth e-mail: What are her thoughts of Edge’s prior relationships? Lita says, “no comment.” Great. I guess the creative team couldn’t think of anything for her to respond to that with.

Sixth e-mail: Do you think about Matt daily, or try not to think about him at all? Lita says that she does think about him, does care about him, but tries to block it all anyway. That was one long contradictive sentence.

Todd says we’ve got a caller who is live, the motherfuckers… He can’t be live! I already skipped ahead past his conversation again just to check! I hate this, it’s an insult to all of us… You know, I am literally so pissed that it’s taking the fact that I’m doing this recap just to keep listening.

Anyway, this “caller” starts by “messing up.” She misspeaks, sounds like she’s talking to someone on her end of the line, there’s background noise, the whole nine. But then when she gets to her thesis, she suddenly speaks without fumbling lines, the background noise disappears, there is no additional voice, and she delivers her lines with a rhythm that is unnatural in casual speech. She goes on to basically say “You go girl!” to Lita, and how anything Lita does is her own business, and other fans who find anything wrong with her should butt out.

Lita thanks her and says that while she appreciates the fans who still support her, she doesn’t give a fuck what anyone thinks and will continue to do whatever she wants behind closed doors. Lita proceeds to insult everyone who voices their opinions on the Internet, and stretches that rant into over two minutes.

Todd asks if the fans’ anti-cheers such as “You fucked Matt” and “Edge sucks” and whatever messes her up. She says they do, and she loses her train of thought, but they should just shut up because they’re chanting something that spawned from one spin on the events. Well then, Lita, stop bullshitting us and tell us your fucking side of the story. Then again, at this point I suppose that would involve the creative team making a spin for her, but they probably aren’t that forethoughtful. Besides, what other spin can you put on “Lita cheated on Matt with Edge”?

Todd asks if Lita has any regrets. She says of course she would, and would handle things differently. She complains that Matt says she owes an apology to the Internet, which doesn’t make a lick of sense; if Matt was worried about this, he’d want Lita to apologize to “the fans,” which would include the Internet fans. It almost sounds like she’s saying that he wants her to apologize to the Internet itself. “I’m sorry, Internet, for the fact that a million people typed their opinions on you using your complex network of wires, servers, and terminals.”

Lita continues that if she could go back in time, she’d legitimately break up with Matt to be with Edge or something, so they wouldn’t have had this ugly mess. She segues that into “but it’s still no excuse for his actions.”

Second “caller” is on. Again, we have background noise and crap. She is a better actor, however, and able to half-stutter as she asks “How has this whole thing with Matt affected the rest of your life?” Lita non-answers, and instead reiterates that Matt’s a jerk and is going overboard with his reaction. So she’s dodging an answer from a WWE-sanctioned “fan” of a caller? Nice; that’s almost enough to be considered well-acted.

Todd asks how close Edge and Lita are. She says that she’s definitely in love with him, but blah blah blah, and the fans suck and should just shut up, and she regrets what she did. Yeah, that answered the question.

Third caller: Matt Hardy. And not only is this Matt Hardy, Todd does not know ahead of time that it’s him. Which means that supposedly with the hundreds or thousands of BT fans who are calling in, Matt Hardy tries the same number, and coincidentally gets through. This is the shittiest excuse for an angle I’ve ever seen in my life. (Before you flame me, I did not see the terrorist angle from the last SmackDown!, so I stand by my statement.)

Matt, who has not been paying attention to Byte This! I guess, wants to know Lita’s spin on the situation. Lita hilariously just repeats the sentence I just wrote: “Why should I bother, because I assume you’ve been listening to Byte This! tonight.”

Matt for some reason accepts this answer (so again Lita has not told her side of things, in-character or out-of-character), and just asks how it was for Lita to see him. Lita’s all, “Well, it sucked, because you beat up my boyfriend.” She also says, “That was really sweet, what you did to Edge.” Matt replies to this with, “Well Lita, if you thought that was really sweet of me, then you’ll really be in for how much your life is just starting to become miserable.” WHAT THE FLYING FUCK DOES THAT MEAN?

Matt continues: “And your boyfriend… his life is only starting to become miserable.” That was the exact wording AND tone of his previous sentence, just with a different subject. Nobody who is pissed is that good of a speaker.

Matt still continues: “Monday was the first night of my revolution. And you’re going to suffer. And Adam ‘the Feces’ Copeland is going to suffer. And the WWE is going to suffer. And the office of the WWE is going to suffer.” A well-spoken threat, don’t you agree?

Matt finishes with, “Johnny Ace and the other assholes who fired me are going to suffer.” And the Byte This! crew bleeped the word “assholes.” Do you really need any more clues that this is not live?

Matt now again repeats his question on why Lita cheated on him. Lita says: “No comment.” Matt presses. Lita says: “No comment… on that. But instead, I’ll say why I don’t like you. Because you cut wrestling promos in a personal context, like you just did.”

Do you want the fucking translation of that? Here’s what was said…

Through the Bullshit: The Bullshit Edition

Todd: “We’re on Byte This!, and despite giving every clue that this is real and live, it’s a work, and only an idiot won’t figure it out.”

Lita: “Matt sucks. I won’t talk about my relationship.”

Matt: “I hate the WWE, because I’m ‘shooting’ here. Tell me why you cheated on me.”

Lita: “You obviously just gave me a work. You’re working in a work that poorly looks like a shoot. So shoot instead, but make sure it doesn’t seem as much of a work as you just did, despite the fact that everything we’re saying is a work and not a shoot.”

…Is that confusing? It is, because the creative team doesn’t know how the hell they want this storyline to go, so the poor actors involved here don’t know what comments to comment on or not. I mean, with Lita merely admitting the difference between a “work” and a “shoot,” she’s proclaiming this is a work. It’s called “breaking the fourth wall”: when acting, you are not supposed to mention the fact that acting is even possible.

All right, back on topic… Matt says “You are the reason I’m cutting promos, you’re the reason I showed up Monday, you’re the reason this is all happening.” Again: just plain dumb. What Matt should have said (if this was going according to the plan of looking like a work and not looking like something trying to look like a work) was: “Wrestling the promo? The hell are you talking about? This is me, bitch, and the fucking WWE will really pay the price,” or some other similar nonsense.

Lita goes on to say that Matt’s actions are dumb because break-ups happen every day, but not on-camera. Matt, saying his first brilliant thing so far, repeats what I said earlier: “It’s public because we’re public. We’re wrestling celebrities, and a working couple. We’re global, and of course someone was going to find out about this. So I just decided to put up my side of the story first.” So far, that statement is the closest thing to a shoot this episode has done.

Matt finishes with, “I didn’t do anything wrong,” referring to his and Lita’s relationship. Lita counters this with a brilliant point: “The reason it’s out on the Net is because you put it there.” Well no fucking duh. But even if he hadn’t, the story would have gotten out eventually. Actually, if memory serves, it did get out before Matt posted his statement on his site; he simply expounded and told his side of the story, which anyone else could not do.

Lita has no line, so she defaults back to “grow up” and stretches it out into about two minutes.

Matt tries to respond, but Todd finds his voice and cuts him off. Todd asks - and check out this really hard and direct question - if Matt thinks Edge should have been fired instead. Matt says yes. My brain cells are starting to commit suicide at the idiocy of this.

Matt now goes onto to blame Lita again, and says that if she was really nice and honest, she would have told Matt at home that Edge put a move on her. Okay, that’s more like the “shoot” they’re trying for. It does not surprise me that Matt is able to improvise better than Lita, but it also does not surprise me that no matter how much Matt is polishing, this turd is still one stinky pile of shit.

Matt repeats me again, saying “Yes, it would have gotten out whether I said anything or not, once fans started seeing you guys hang out and me nowhere to be seen.” So another point for Matt, I guess… This may be the dumbest thing ever, but Matt’s trying to make it convincing.

Matt continues about Johnny Ace (Matt gives his real name, but I didn’t catch it), who is their head of talent. Matt says he was all ready to make a comeback, since he rehabbed his knee in six months instead of the estimated eight or nine, because he busted his ass to do it. But one day when he was working out, Johnny Ace called him and said “creatively we have nothing for you, so you’re released.”

This sets Matt off on another rant about how that was a lame excuse. He says he thinks Johnny Ace has a vendetta against him, because he was the victim of the Lita/Matt/Edge triangle, but he’s the one who gets fired, which makes no sense. Yes, another point for Matt for saying something that seems like a shoot.

Matt continues: “Edge commits adultery with my girlfriend, yet the WWE sanctions it and fires me instead? That’s bullshit!” And again, the BT crew bleeps “bullshit.” I think I’m beyond pissed now, and can no longer feel it.

Matt continues on and says that the WWE should have fired Edge, and probably Lita too. The he says that when he came out on Monday, he called Edge “Adam” because “Adam” is what he knows Edge best by. But, he called Lita “Lita” and not “Amy” because the girl he knew as Amy Dumas is dead to him and not the same person anymore. Nice way to close that logic hole, but it’s still a very stupid way to do it. He says he knows Lita as “Lita” because she’s “a whore who’s hanging out with Edge,” and the BT crew bleeps “whore.”

Lita responds with: “Why should I be with you after a rant like that?” When the fuck has anyone suggested she should be with him? Matt picks up on this, and says, “I never said that. I don’t want to be with you either.” I’ve never had anyone aside from Kelly pick the thoughts directly from my brain more than Matt has tonight.

Matt has now exhausted his original things to say, and says “I’m vindictive, and if you screw with me, I’ll make your life miserable.” Note to Matt: That punch line died on Monday. Stop using it.

Matt thinks of something original to say again, and declares that yes, for a long time, wrestling was all he knew, and his career was first. But when he was in love with Amy, he put her first and wrestling second. He says the only reason he transferred from SmackDown! to RAW was to be with her, because everything was going great career-wise on SD. He says that RAW killed his career, but he didn’t care so he could be with her. But no, Lita pissed on that, and… and he’ll get retribution on her, Edge and the WWE. Crap, we were doing great up until then. At least he didn’t say the word “miserable.”

After an awkward pause where Lita says she’s hosting BT and Matt’s the guest (while Todd just keeps his mouth shut for some dumbass reason), she asks if Matt wants to say anymore. Matt says “hell yes,” and that because his no-compete clause (using that term) is over with, we never know where he’ll show up. He plugs his appearance on Friday in Indiana, Pennsylvania (I’ve actually been to that city), but doesn’t mention the time. Then he says: “On Saturday, I’ll be in ----- with Ring of Honor.” That’s right, BT bleeped the fucking location of the ROH show. Un-fucking-believable. Matt puts over ROH and says they’re a real wrestling promotion instead of WWE with its soap opera storylines. I wonder if he can feel the irony when he said that. I sure as hell felt the irony while typing it.

Matt basically says “You don’t know where I’ll be Sunday… You don’t know where I’ll be Monday… You don’t know where I’ll be Tuesday…” And Lita finally cuts him off with “And that’s all the time we have for Byte This! today.” The show has only been going 25 minutes, and we’re into the ending already.

Matt says, “On a serious note, Amy… Why? Why would you do it?” And yet again, I find no sympathy for that question because I’m beyond guessing whether he’s asking that as a shoot. There is a chance that Lita still hasn’t explained herself; I know how stubborn people can be. But at this point, this whole episode is bullshit, so I give up on analyzing.

Lita replies: “Something was missing.” Matt: “What was missing?” Long fucking delay, then Lita: “I don’t wanna say.” Matt: “Why bother keeping it a secret?” Lita leaves.

Todd apologizes to Matt that Lita ran away, then asks him what his plans are for the future. Matt says “You never know,” then plugs a new site called “The Matt Hardy Show.” Link is here, I’ll review it in my closing comments. Matt says there’s a video statement on that site, and it will be - dear God in Heaven - the first-ever Internet reality show, starring him.

Todd says that the BT crew is wanting Matt gone, so Matt finishes his conversation with “Later on, all! I’ll see you at Ring of Honor!” Todd calls this an explosive episode, then signs off a few seconds shy of 27 minutes.

Closing Comments: I have done my share of being irritated, being annoyed, and rolling my eyes at shit the WWE has done. But I have never been this legitimately angry. And again, don’t send me e-mail saying I should have been more angry at their “terror cell” angle from last Thursday. I don’t get UPN, I didn’t watch SmackDown!, so I can’t compare that angle and any of its alleged poor taste to this.

This episode of Byte This! was not poor taste. This was insulting; but worst of all, it was insulting to us, the fans. It’s not insulting by proxy, they actually insulted us, and our intelligence. They fucking lied to us, they intentionally deceived us, and they intentionally fed us bullshit.

You know, this blows so much that word “angry” doesn’t cover it. I am furious, indignant, wrathful… Pick your adjective.

And don’t feed me any bullshit about, I should calm down, I should expect it, I shouldn’t worry about it. I know Rick won’t react like this, because wrestling angles don’t make him angry. Fine, let him have his opinion. This angle did not offend me, don’t get me wrong. I don’t feel the need to run out and protest the WWE, or boycott them, or write them angry letters, or send vicious phone calls, or rally some sort of group to cancel the show, or anything like that.

I despise having my intelligence insulted. This is just compounded because the WWE is in a business where the fans are the ones who fucking pay the workers’ salaries, who make or break stars, and who always give compliments or insults based on their bond. Paul Heyman knows this. Tommy Dreamer knows this. The Dudley Boys know this. Everyone involved in ECW knows this. Every worker who grew up through the indies, paid their dues eating one- or two-food diets for weeks, and scraped and clawed their way to fame should know this.

Yet, this company presents a show as “live,” promises they will “take phone calls” and “respond to their chatroom,” and where “nothing is off-limits,” yet they back out of EVERY SINGLE THING they said.

Don’t try to tell me any bullshit about that the WWE is a business and it shouldn’t surprise me. You know what’s scary? It doesn’t surprise me. I can accept and expect something without having to like it, though. And this… I accept it, I expect it, but this is making me seethe.

There’s a message post on our forums about how someone was really looking forward to tonight’s BT. I replied that I wasn’t, because I knew the WWE would do something dumb as they tried to make the “shoot work” or “new work” or whatever moniker you want to put on it actually not look like a train wreck. But damn, I have to give the WWE credit: I didn’t think it would be nearly this bad or insulting.

Monday’s angle with Hardy and everyone was, I believe, one of the greatest angles ever done on WWE TV. I knew it was a work, but for a split-second, I believed it could be a shoot. That fact alone made it brilliant, that the WWE could surprise its audience that greatly. For that, they get brownie points.

But when you tell a story (or a lie), the best way to do it is keep it simple. On Monday, Matt was going off-the-cuff with his intensity, keeping his words simple and effective. It was perfect.

Tonight, a moron could tell that Lita was being fed her lines, or was at the very least being prodded to go in certain directions and stay away from others. As a result, she became handcuffed when certain questions were asked and certain points raised that the creative team had not (or chose to not) prepared for. Matt was a little better, showing he’s a much better actor than Lita, but he still was handcuffed the same way in parts. You can tell when he was because he stumbled or got a little too repetitive.

I can already feel the flames coming. Once again, I’m pissed solely because this episode was simultaneously poorly executed and intentionally caused to mislead us. We were lied to, everyone. If you can’t see it, mark out and stop thinking, just like the WWE wants you to do. Even if you’re not as angry about this as I am, fine; I don’t expect you or Rick or Jeb or Canadian Bulldog or Erin or anyone to be. But don’t tell me this was a well-executed show, or even a semi-well-executed angle, because you’re full of shit.

Finally, I tried out the websites. Matt's official website seems to be down, probably from all the traffic and a bandwidth overload or something. The other site Matt gave us is a one-page deal with a countdown that ends on midnight between Saturday, July 16th and Sunday, July 17th. (Just to check, I fast-forwarded my clock, and the only thing that happens is the countdown is replaced by the word “Horah!”).

In the middle of the page is a video, which basically has Matt cutting, hilariously, an 80s-style promo. “I rock, the WWE sucks, I’m going to make sure everyone knows my name, all my fans who stuck with me are great, we’ll make everyone who screwed me pay.” He looks like a dork through the whole thing, trying to be “intense” but coming across as “trying to be intense.” How he didn’t break character and laugh at himself, I’ll never know. Maybe it took a couple takes. The end of the clip is a bunch of random morons saying “Go to thematthardshow.com!” In other words, it’s a commercial for his sure-to-be-shitty “reality” show on that site.

This Byte This! was pathetic, and the worst episode on multiple levels since I started recapping it last year. 27 minutes of shit… at least it was short. 

 
E-MAIL PYROFALKON

BROWSE THE BYTE THIS RECAP ARCHIVES


  
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PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
 
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PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
 
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PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
 
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PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
 
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RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
 
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 

 

 


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