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OO BYTE THIS RECAP
Recap Remix: The Lita/Hardy Edition
July 15, 2005

by PyroFalkon
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Here at OO, Rick always says that unlike typical Internet jackoffs, he tries to give solutions to a problem, and does not merely bitch about it. With a day’s reflection, I’ve decided to try the same thing, so I’m trying to figure out how the 7/13 Byte This! could have actually furthered this Matt/Lita storyline without neither insulting the fans, nor being executed poorly.
 
I’m not saying this is perfect or anything, but it’s to show that BT could have been better, and that I’m not just blowing smoke.

The Setup

First things first: apparently, WWE did do the show live. They started at 5 PM, not 8. So, yeah, oops, I fucked up for once. This fact alone

removes 95% of my irritation. I got an e-mail from someone who chewed me out for not knowing this… apparently I’m the worst recapper in the world for not visiting WWE.com every single day to know when their D-level show gets a one-week time change. Idiot.

I’m glad it was live, because it eliminates several problems. First of all, the callers become more plausible. Second, the anything-can-happen feel is there. It’s like watching SmackDown! vs. watching RAW: you know nothing TOO wacky is going to happen on former, because it can just be edited out before Thursday. For RAW, if you have some retard jumping the barrier, you’ll at least get a quick camera cutaway.

Third, prep Lita and Matt on their lines. Matt seems to have a better control over improvisation, so he may need less direction. Note that this is not an insult against Lita in any way; it just seems that she’s not as cut out for improvising as Matt is. Now, this preparation includes telling Matt, “Whatever the circumstances, do not mention the city where you’ll be for ROH.”

Thinking back, both characters’ moods and attitudes were fairly consistent with what we’ve seen of them. Matt was pissed, but relatively calm to Lita and not wanting to beat the shit out of her. (He had the chance on Monday just after killing Edge in the back, but just stared at her.) Lita is pissed, but only at Matt’s actions, and feels she is completely right by her actions. I would not change anything about that.

Clear Lita and Matt (but not Todd) to always use real names. Lita is Amy (except when Matt does his little analogy), Edge is Adam, and others that I’ll mention in a second. The opening Q&A part needs to be 95% scripted for Lita, whilst the argument she has with Matt needs to be as full of improvisation as possible.

The callers still need to be WWE-sanction and -employed, else risk something unwanted being said. They should also be prepped on their lines, and given direction to stutter, use “uh…” and other words common in casual speech, and to mark out a hair when they first get through to the studio.

Finally, Todd needs to be a little more vocal when Lita and Matt start talking. He needs to be the voice of reason, because without a voice of reason, then an argument just sounds like a mess. Someone needs to be in control (or appear to try to be in control), and Todd’s the only option.

7:50 PM

The links go live on WWE.com. As usual, they spend 10 minutes playing some random wrestler’s entrance theme song. At the studio, they make sure all their phone lines or voice changers are ready. A technical glitch, especially if Matt Hardy is the victim, will destroy the pacing and story of the episode, and Lita does not have the skill to carry it in the event there’s a problem.

8:00

BT shows its opening video and theme song before cutting to the studio. First shot is Todd, who recaps the situation. He says that Lita has had a hell of a few days, and is eager to give her reaction. “We’re taking your questions, so call in, here’s the number,” blah blah blah.

8:01

Camera pans back to show Lita sitting by Todd in the studio. Todd asks for her opinion. Her real opening statement was actually pretty good, thinking back. I guess I was already pissed about the whole live-but-not-live shit that my brain shut down. Anyway, after Todd introduces her, she says: “I’ve been quiet the last few months because it’s really none of the fans’ business what I do in my private life. I’m not like Matt, where I whine and bitch about my life to brainwashed marks who eat up all my words.”

Now, before someone gets confused, I need to reiterate something I said in my recap. By drawing attention to this interview, and suggesting any part of it is fake, then it destroys the fourth wall. However, using an insider term does not necessarily destroy the fourth wall. By mentioning the word “mark,” she acts like she’s shooting. However, she’s not drawing unnecessary attention to her current interview (which would cause us to analyze it), thus not breaking that fourth wall. I hope that makes some semblance of sense.

Lita: “I’ve tried to take the high road, because it’s not the fans’ privilege to know about our personal lives. Safety is really my primary concern, because Adam could have sustained some major injury. Plus, you have to think about the fans… Matt almost cheated them out of the main event. Adam’s match with Glen could have been cancelled if Adam was hurt bad enough.”

Todd: “Well, Matt made a post on his website… [reads the thing, pausing dramatically before profanity just to fill time and make the swears seem more offensive than they really are]”

Lita: “See, that’s what I don’t understand. Matt thinks he’s starting this revolution and having his so-called MF’ers following him around and supporting him. But what he’s really doing is spitting in all their faces because he’s disrupting a live TV show. Remember what happened in Indianapolis a few weeks ago when some racing fans were cheated out of a race? The WWE would have had to pay refunds to all the fans who were cheated out of the main event!”

That line is really cheesy and pandering, I admit. But Lita is a heel here, and she needs to pander to the audience and basically insult them for getting into her business, while simultaneously pulling them off supporting Matt. This paints Matt to be a bad guy, which strengthens his support. (Nothing makes people cheer louder for a face than a heel telling them not to.)

Lita continues: “Not to mention, that statement of his on his message board was so vulgar, and yet he tries to be a role model for all the kids out there. Why should they cheer a man who writes such profanity like that? I’m sorry I was the first one to break his heart, but he just needs to grow up and get over it. I’ve moved on, why can’t he?”

Okay, the tone is set. Lita’s thesis is out there, as is Matt’s statement from his site. Unlike reality, she does not yet attack her and Matt’s relationship. That will come later at a time to make it less of a ramble.

8:05

Todd now goes to the Q&A part of the show.

 

Todd: “Okay, now we’ll get to your questions, since I know you’ve got plenty. [reminds everyone that they’re taking phone calls (and gives the number) and watching the chatroom, even though they really aren’t] First up is this e-mail: How badly do you feel about all this negative press?”

The question is worded like that because “Do you feel bad?” is dumb and obvious. “How much do you feel bad?” isn’t much better, but it’s less dumb.

Lita: “My life is totally disrupted. No matter how much I want to, I just don’t go out in public anymore. I refuse to take the verbal abuse that comes with signing autographs, or even doing something as simple as shopping. Adam feels the same way, and in the rare moments we do have time together alone, we’re behind locked doors so no one can see us.”

It’s a nice double-entendre that makes her look like the whore that she’s playing, plus supports the “it’s none of the fans’ business” thesis. The rest of her response to the real question is cut, because again it’s too much of a ramble and not relevant yet.

Todd: “Okay. Here’s another e-mail… Did you think that your personal life would have this kind of effect on fans?”

Lita: “Of course not. First of all, like I’ve said before, the fans shouldn’t care about anything aside from what we do from 9 to 11 on Monday nights. I really don’t get the fascination with my life, because I’m just a WWE employee and nothing more to them. This has really opened my eyes, because I thought we were private people with private lives. I’ve learned I’ve got be a lot more careful in what I do so the fans don’t find out about anything personal again.”

This version of her reply sounds a little more real than “No, and I don’t know why.” Plus it uses a part of her first rant that I moved here, again making it more relevant. And, it again subtly attacks the fans, which is what heels need to do.

Todd: “Here’s the third e-mail… How is your relationship with Jeff Hardy?”

Lita: “Well, obviously blood is thicker than water… Jeff and I have spoken a few times, and he supports his brother. He won’t let me explain my side of things, but I don’t really care. Besides, he’s willfully committing career suicide at the moment [unnecessary but a WWE-style burn on TNA], and he’s never coming back here to the WWE, so why should I care what he thinks? Jeff and I definitely have a bad relationship, but it doesn’t really matter.”

Todd: “Another e-mail asks if there’s a chance you and Matt will become friends again, or even become romantically involved again.”

Lita: “There’s not a snowball’s chance in hell that we’ll be together again. Do you think I’d risk having him repeat everything I say to him to the entire Internet? There are no secrets with Matt, and if I can’t trust him, how could I possibly love him? Remember, it’s his fault that this all started. There’s no way I could ever trust him again.”

That’s a lot better than her real answer, which actually amounted to “maybe.”

Todd: “The next one asks what your opinion is on Edge’s old relationships.”

Now, this one could go one of two ways. I could see the WWE or Edge actually red-lighting this topic. If this one is off-limits, then she can dodge the same way she did in reality. However, if this topic is okay…

Lita: “Oh, Adam’s other relationships didn’t mean anything to him. He truly loves me, which is why he pursued me so much. He won’t cheat on me like he did his wife, don’t worry.”

If Lita delivers this casually, she really comes across as a bitch, which is perfect for her character.

Todd: “Is Matt always on your mind, or do you try not think about him?”

Lita: “I tried these past few months not to think about him, but he’s of course made me think about him all the time. But I don’t care about him anymore; I think about him for Adam’s sake. I just don’t want Adam to be attacked anymore by Matt.”

8:11

Time for the phone calls.

Caller 1: “Hey Lita! This is [name] from [state]!”

She must wait until Lita acknowledges her.

Lita: “Hi. What’s your question?”

Caller 1: “Well, it’s not a question. I just wanted to say that you are so right in all this, and Matt’s a real asshole for putting you through this. You’re right that what you do is your own business. You don’t owe us fans anything. Keep up the good work!”

Lita: “It’s great to know that some people are still supporting me. More will once they start realizing that I’m the victim. [now she uses a rant that I had previously cut] I mean, one of Matt’s problems is that he’s trying to look like a perfect person who’s the complete victim here. Everything he says now, he starts with, ‘I’m not perfect, but…’ and then goes on to list why he is perfect. He needs to realize that he’s not a saint, and I’m not the only one whose fault this is. A lot of it he brought on himself.”

Todd: “Adam must have his supporters too. When you guys do go out, does he get the same support you do?”

Lita: “Well, as I said, we don’t go out much. [score one for continuity that the real show didn’t have] If we do though, we hear some people support us. Most just avoid us.”

Todd: “Are all those non-supporters distractions in the ring?”

Lita: “Yes, it’s very hard to concentrate. But, Adam and I are both professionals, so we do our best. We can only deal with so many of these ridiculous chants, though. The fans should just shut their mouths and enjoy the show without telling me how to run my own life.”

Todd: “Do you regret anything?”

Lita: “Yes. If I could do it all again, I would, I’d break up with Matt first, [blah blah blah], and then be with Adam.”

Todd: “Okay, we have a second caller.”

Now, here’s where I would add an entire segment. I’m making Lita more curt (or rather, less repetitive) in my version here. In order to fill some time, we need another caller that was not in the real show.

Caller 2: “Yeah, this is [guy] from [place]. Lita, I just have to say that you are the biggest whore on the planet. Matt Hardy is the best wrestler since Hogan, and [blah blah blah] and you suck!”

[stunned silence from everyone to sell Lita being shocked and appalled]

Lita: “You know, I just try not to pay attention to idiots like that anymore. He’s probably one of the idiots on the Internet. As I said, most people who are against us say all their bullshit under their breath. They’re scared of Adam and me in person. Everyone gets more ballsy on the Internet, but they don’t have the guts to say the same things to our faces.”

Todd: “Okay, next caller.”

Caller 3: “I’m [girl] from [place]. Hi Lita!”

Lita: “Hi.”

Caller 3: “I want to know how everything with Matt has affected your entire life.”

Lita: “Aside from not being able to go out in public anymore… It just really hurts, and since it’s on my mind all day, I can’t enjoy the things I used to. I’ve had to reduce my participation in helping animals [blah blah plug for her non-wrestling hobby], and I’ve had to completely give up a social life. It just hurts too badly to go out and see all the faces of the people who resent me. Most people don’t say anything bad to us, as I said, but we can see it in their eyes.”

Todd: “So how is your relationship with Edge now?”

Lita: “Well, we’re not actually married of course. But I could see us… progressing to that level. Right now, all this bad press has only made us grow closer together, and we’re doing just fine. We’re fighting through this together, and that’s all that’s really important.”

8:16

Matt Hardy comes in, and this gets setup WAY differently, so “implausibility” is not an issue.

Todd: “Well, Lita… the Byte This! producer is telling us that we have Matt Hardy on the line. Apparently he called the private number to the studio, and we’ve transferred him here. Do you want to… well, take the call? I mean, it’s up to you…”

Lita: “Well, I don’t really want to hear from him, but I don’t want him to get more things to use against me. I suppose we can take it.”

Todd: “Okay… um, Matt, you’re on…”

Matt: “Yo, Amy! Hi! I just want to know… why did you do what you did?”

In my version here, Lita has not yet touched “why,” and therefore this question does not make Matt look like an idiot. However, Lita still needs to dodge it initially.

Lita: “I’m surprised you haven’t made up a reason why to all your Internet friends. You love the Internet so much, after all. Of course, I’m not surprised at all that you called me here.”

Matt: “Really? Well, were you surprised Monday?”

Lita: “You know, screw you, Matt. You could have really hurt Adam when you blindsided him backstage. Yeah, that was really sweet of you.”

Matt: “Well, if you thought that was sweet of me, you’ll have a diabetic heart attack by the time I get done with you and Adam. [blah blah blah, movement, retribution, WWE sucks, blah blah] But you still haven’t answered my question. Why did you cheat on me? Why’d you shit on a six-year relationship? What makes Adam so great?”

Lita: “I don’t need to tell you jack shit about my relationship with Adam. But I can tell you a bit about why I left you. Of course the obvious reason is that you’re an immature asshole who seems like he’ll never grow up. All you do is spend time on the Internet sharing fake stories and empty compliments with your brainwashed zealots who are always around your sites.”

Matt: “My MFers follow me because they know that I only speak the truth. I don’t brainwash them, they support me because they know I’m the victim, and you’re the one who hurt me.”

Lita: “Look, you really need to just accept what happened and let it go. I don’t see why you’ve chosen to act out on this, because breakups happen every day. Millions of them happen all the time, but you had no reason to bring this one to a public forum. You’re just doing it for the attention.”

Matt: “The reason it’s public is because we’re celebrities! And more than that, we’re a working couple! You should know that fans are interested in celebrity relationships! I mean, look what happened with [name of couple] and [name of another couple], or even Sean Waltman and Joanie Laurer! People want to know about us, and I knew that this story was going to get out sometime. So I just decided to speak the truth about what happened before any stupid rumor got started. [blah blah, power of the Net, WWE is global, blah blah] I wanted people to know I didn’t do anything wrong.”

Lita: “You didn’t do anything wrong? You’re the one who put the story out there! That’s what’s so wrong about it!”

Matt: “Didn’t you hear me? I said I put it out there because I didn’t do anything wrong.”

Lita: “Look, if you were more mature about things, we would have settled it privately. Instead, you drag a bunch of fans into it, who don’t need to know about it in the first place. [her voice needs to raise during the next part so she ends up in a scream] And for some reason you think that because you have all these MFers following you around, that makes you the victim and makes everything you say right. If you had just sat down and talked with me, maybe we could have reconciled our differences.”

Matt and Lita talk simultaneously here for about five seconds, screaming unintelligible things like that degenerates into something similar to a “No I didn’t / Yes you did” bitch fight. This gives Todd a reason to remind us he’s alive…

Todd: “Hey, hold on, calm down both of you. [waits a moment as everyone in reality laughs at the idea of Todd taking control of any situation] All right, Matt, let me ask you a question. Do you think Edge should have been fired but not you?”

Matt: “Of course I do. He committed adultery, but not only that, he put the backstage environment in danger which would have compromised the show on TV, so the WWE should have fired him. Amy wasn’t helping either, because she allowed this to continue. She could have come to me anytime and said that Adam was hitting on her, but she didn’t. She endangered the end product too. Earlier she said the fans distract her while she’s in the ring. That means she’d hurt any match she was in, which may hurt the careers of Trish Stratus, Christy Hemme, or Lisa Varon - who is Victoria in case you don’t know - which then hurts the whole women’s division. They should have just fired Amy and Adam so the whole show and backstage wouldn’t be in turmoil.”

Todd: “What did you do when you found out you had been fired?”

Matt: “[launches into the story about Johnny Ace… he said this part well, no change is needed]”

Lita: “Okay, that whole rant was dumb. Tell me again why I should be with you again?”

Matt: “I never said I wanted you back. Adam can keep your skanky self all he wants. [blah blah about his career, because that well-said too, but without the retribution part again]”

Lita: “All right, Matt, I get the idea… just shut up already.” [silence] “I’m hosting Byte This!, we’ve got Matt Hardy on the phone because he wanted to interrupt my interview. Any other bullshit you want to vomit up for us, Matt?”

Matt: “[pimps his ROH and indy appearance, but only the days, not the cities]”

Lita: “Okay, that’s all the time we have for today…[blah blah]”

Matt: “Lita, just tell me, seriously… why?”

Lita: “Well, something was missing from our relationship, obviously.”

Matt: “What was missing?”

Lita: [silence] “Unlike you, Matt, I’m above sharing my personal feelings with people that don’t deserve to hear it. I’m out of here, all right? Just stay the hell away from Adam and me.” [leaves]

Matt: “[pimps his websites]” [clicks off]

Todd: “[closes show]”

…There, that wasn’t so hard. It cuts out the repetitiveness, makes things look way more plausible, and doesn’t even come close to insulting the fans. Nothing is mentioned within this interview to suggest it or Matt’s run-in on Monday was a work, although most fans know it is by now. No line was crossed, no need to bleep anything, nobody says anything more than twice, the intensity is held up while the stupidity is reduced… everyone wins, and I come out being less of an angry recapper.

Not a whole lot changed between my version and the real version. Again, most of my anger from last night resulted from the fact that I thought the show wasn’t live, when in fact it was. So yeah, I apologize for missing the boat on that one.

But still, my version of the interview is much better. The biggest difference is that I made everyone fairly consistent, and no one backpedaled on their opinion. And finally, the really dumb lines are trimmed, restructured, or just omitted to make everyone look a little more intelligent.

Now I see why Rick does his RAW remixes… they can be pretty fun. Hopefully, I won’t have a reason to do this every week, you know?

All right, I’m out. Thanks for reading this.

 
E-MAIL PYROFALKON

BROWSE THE BYTE THIS RECAP ARCHIVES


  
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