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The Best of Batista, and Chavo's
Turd-Polishing: That's Fedtertainment~!
July 21, 2005

by PyroFalkon
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


No stories this week, unfortunately. I suppose I could reiterate my apology for making a big mistake last week. But that seems to be water under the bridge, as I haven’t had any more e-mails about the subject since Friday. 
One thing that may be relevant is my soon-to-be housing situation. Due to issues I don’t care to disclose publicly, I’m losing the house I’m currently living in within a month or so. I’m not sure where I’ll be moving to, nor when, nor how much (if any) Internet access I’ll have. Hell, I’m not even sure I’ll have a home at all, unless I lean on my family. Thank god I’m 

not too prideful to do that, but it’s still not my preferred option.

Point is, I may have to take an extended absence from BT recaps (and OO entirely) quite soon. But if that happens, Rick will be the first to know, and I’ll keep you all updated through this column as I get more information. The best-case scenario is that I quickly find a new home with ‘Net access during some weekend so I don’t miss a beat. But best-case scenarios don’t always happen in life… if they did, I wouldn’t be in this situation in the first place.

There, past the ad box. Here we go with BT!

Intro, Guest Rundown, Media Hype: Romero is back, damn it. Todd’s with him, though, so we won’t totally suck tonight. They recap last week’s Byte This!, recap RAW, and hype the next RAW. Is anyone actually looking forward to the Battle of the Bands? I still like Cena, and I like Jericho, but this is already giving me bad vibes.

Anyway, on tonight’s show will be Batista and Kerwin “I’m Sure This Gimmick Won’t Tank At All… Really” White. Plus Droz as usual, to play Team Coverage. Shit, I need to get ready for that.

JBL Is Strong Without Overwhelming: No break; instead, we get surprise caller guest JBL! He puts over his match this Sunday at GAB and says it’s what Wrestlemania 21 should have been. Yeah, everyone is clamoring to see JBL vs. Batista. He rips on Batista for awhile, and then revisits his history of GAB 2004, including using the word “guarantee” roughly four billion times (give or take a couple). He goes on to guarantee his win this Sunday.

Todd posits that Batista is on a roll, and that JBL seems super-confident to not be worried. JBL responds that he’s not worried because Batista’s “roll” was against a single man. But JBL was on his roll for months against multiple opponents. Nicely played, although he loses points for again ejaculating the word “guarantee” a thousand times.

On Steve’s prompting, JBL hypes SmackDown! and says that we’ll see why he’s a great American. Isn’t this the same damn shtick he used last year? Apparently we “won’t believe” what he’s gonna do on SD. Right.

We switch gears to talk about Brock Lesnar, because in this latest retelling of WWE history, JBL’s rise to stardom started the instant Brock left after Wrestlemania 20. Um… that’s doesn’t exactly ring true to me (especially because of the minor implication both events were related), but whatever. We’re dealing with the anti-continuity and anti-memory company here. JBL fires a shoot-that-can’t-really-be-taken-as-a-work-because-it’s-too-true comment, that because Brock left, and Angle and Big Show got injured, it gave JBL a reason to be in the main event. The thing is, I wouldn’t be proud of that. It’s like getting a job because the other applicant died… It seems like an empty victory to me.

But anyway, JBL puts over Brock, although he’s sure to say “I don’t know if he’s really coming back, but if he does, we could use him at SmackDown!.” Hm, I’m not sure if that was out-of-character.

Todd says it’s time for JBL to go away so we can move on with the show, but JBL no likey getting pushed away. So instead, he verbally smacks around Todd a bit, plugs WWE.com and his own website, and blah blah blah. He mentions that he’s got a weekly radio show on Mondays on his site… I wonder if we can convince anyone around OO to recap that.

JBL vomits “guarantee” again (especially because Batista will be on later), and he’s out. Not a bad bit at all, aside from the whole “guarantee” fetish.


Droz’s 36 Cents: Todd and Droz met for the first time this last Monday apparently. Interesting, but pointless.

Droz opens by praising the GAB card, then starts firing off his predictions…

1. Christian over Booker T

2. Torrie over Worthless Diva #48

3. Animal & Heidenreich over MNM… As in “Road Warrior ‘Animal’ ”? When the hell did he come back?

4. Eddie over Rey to… reveal the family secret? The fuck? I really need to start reading Danny’s recaps again.

5. Taker over Hassan

6. Benoit over OJ

7. Batista over JBL

We’re out of time for this call, and aside from random hype to the stories and matches, Droz said nothing else. Which, actually, is good. Note to Droz: keep it simple like you did today, and you come across totally believable and natural.

We see a video clip of Matt Hardy punching a WWE official (as in “front office official” as opposed to “WWE referee official”) in the face or something. Todd even mentions him by name. Please tell me you don’t still think this is a shoot.


Bond… Batista Bond: I don’t know whether it’s his “phone voice,” or he’s tired again, or he just hates Byte This!… But whatever the reason, Batista sounds once again like he’s none too pleased about being on. Hilariously, when Todd gets all hyper about how Steve is pimping Batista’s new jersey or something, Batista’s all, “Yeah, great…” And his tone says, “Can we just get the fuck back to the interview so I can actually do something constructive with my life since you guys are basically making me throw away 15 minutes of it?” I like Batista’s tones.

Batista appears to be back in his late-2004 persona (that is, super-natural and laid back). Todd says that JBL feels he owns SmackDown!. Batista’s reaction is a small chuckle, followed by “That’s ridiculous… that’s the dumbest thing I ever heard.” I wouldn’t go that far, considering the shit the big man had to hear coming from Triple H’s cakehole.

Steve then reports that JBL has guaranteed victory. And again, Batista, in that great I-don’t-take-any-of-this-shit-too-seriously tone of his, replies “Yeah, of course he did. Whatever.” Heh, that scratched me in a place I itched. Batista says that he’s on the top of his game, and will commence the beatdown at GAB.

We move to SmackDown! itself, and Steve says that JBL reports a long speech or something that fans are in store for. Batista, again, laughs this off, and says that JBL is all talk and can’t walk, or something to that effect. I get it, and although I am liking Batista here, I wish the hosts would give him a question that is worth his time to answer with more than a chuckle.

We’ve got a caller, who asks how different SmackDown! is from RAW. Good question, at least compared to the dumb shit the hosts are giving. Batista answers (damn well) that because RAW is live, there’s a tendency to not quite be as perfect in the ring, although he tries his hardest to keep the standard up. He does say that the talent of the opponents is there either way, and the fans’ electricity is just as hot, so the main difference is the live vs. taped situation.

Steve wants to hear comments about JBL’s loss to Blue Meanie thanks to Batista’s help, but again Batista can only laugh and default back to how he’ll win this Sunday. He says (for maybe the second or third time) that JBL is just a bully, and Batista will put him in his place.

Steve further asks if there’s anything in Batista’s body that makes him want to prolong the match just to punish JBL. Batista says there is, but that it’s a small part and he just wants to prove his point that JBL has no talent. Burn?

Todd asks who Batista hates worse: JBL or Trips. Batista surprisingly hates JBL more, mostly because there’s a respect Bats has for Trips. He says that Trips can walk the walk as well as talk the talk, and he’s always a threat in a match… He does not say that JBL is the opposite, but the implication is there, and he’s choosing not to concuss us with an anvil.

One of the hosts asks who Bats thinks will be the next big champion. Batista calls it for Randy Orton… I buy that Orton will probably be a good champion eventually, but I’m not so convinced he’ll be able to pull it off in 2005. Batista says he’s looking forward to facing him in a match too once he’s back and healthy.

One final caller asks an odd question: forgetting Bats’s actual match, would Batista rather face Muhammad Hassan or the Undertaker? Kinda random, but interesting. Batista says he’s already beaten Hassan, and doesn’t deserve a shot at his belt. But the Taker would be a dream match for him, and that he would bring out the best in him. Huh, I like that answer.

Batista is out without any obnoxious flair or plug. If he’s acting, he’s a freakin’ natural. And his laid back performance so underscores the fact that Batista + Creative Team Lines < Batista + Normal Guy Sense.


This Time, It Was All Right: Kerwin discusses that he’s getting into classic Caucasian activities, such as playing tennis, doing some online stock trading, and changing his 22-inch wheels on his car to 17-inch whitewall tires. This, apparently, adds up to a complete restructure of his whole life.

Steve’s first words of the interview are, “Hey Chavo, this is Steve Romero.” Apparently, Chavo the actor is not yet used to his new gimmick, because he just replies, “Hey, what’s going on!” Steve starts his question, but Todd throws a flag on the play. “It’s Kerwin, not Chavo.” Kerwin the character remembers he’s… well, Kerwin the character, and replies, “Wait, did you say ‘Chavo’? I’m not Chavo!” I heart actors who brainfart and forget their roles.

Once that mess gets sorted out, Todd asks what Kerwin’s handicap is. There’s a delay, and I hilariously wait for Kerwin to fuck up and not realize what he’s talking about. But no dice, because Kerwin was apparently just thinking, and says he’s a 15 handicap. Not too bad, I guess, considering my handicap is the neighborhood of 86. I’m the only person ever to ever shoot a four-digit round on a golf course without trying, and I’m damn proud of my record.

Todd asks what Kerwin is planning now that he’s different, and on RAW, and if this conversion of his is going to take off. Kerwin promises it already has, as proven by WWE.com. Apparently, his page and profile normally garnered 1000 hits per day. After pulling a Michael Jackson without the child molesting, his site got 176,000 hits in one day. Which beats John Cena’s by 30,000 or so. If that’s true, wow.

Steve says something witty for once, wondering aloud if it was just Kerwin who visited his own profile 175,000 times just to drive up the numbers. If Kerwin is truly a pasty nerd that he wants us to believe he is, he will say that it would be annoyingly difficult to clear his cookie cache that many times in a day. Instead, he buys himself time to think by asking for which host said that, but can’t think of anything to say even after getting that answer, so he just politely asks for the next question.

Todd wants an answer to his Tough Question, damn it, so he wants to know who Kerwin wants to wrestle. Kerwin answers, “Everyone.” Nice dodge, maybe because the book-it-on-the-run creative team still hasn’t figured out an answer themselves.

Steve wants to know when and why this Jacksonism occurred. Kerwin merely answers, “When I went to RAW, I had to get rid of what was holding me back… which was my Hispanic fans and Hispanic background.” Asshole. But funny, in a British way.

Steve points out that his reasoning is flawed, because the support of the Hispanics is big and wasn’t holding him back. After all, the Hispanics are the most dominant minority in the US according to Steve. Kerwin automatically and appropriately replies that yes, the Hispanics are that… they’re a minority. But he’s now in the majority, so he doesn’t care about the minorities anymore.

Todd asks what Kerwin’s opinion is of the Mexi-Cools. Kerwin says, “They’re the Mexi-UN-Cools, that’s for sure.” This is followed by lame laugh #8 by Todd, and it comes across much funnier to me than probably anyone else who’s watching this. Kerwin falls back to, “They all suck, no matter whether I’m Kerwin or Chavo. So I rock, and they don’t.”

Todd’s final question is whether Kerwin’s wrestling style will change. Kerwin blathers a dodge, and is then out after spitting out his shitty catchphrase.


Ending Noise: I guess they axed Todd’s Take and Steve’s Sodomy from two weeks ago. They just recap everything they’ve said, and they’re done.

Closing Comments: BT started late and ended early this week. Funny thing is, I can’t really figure out how to judge this one. It wasn’t lame, it wasn’t boring, it wasn’t mis-executed like last week, the guests were fairly good, but nothing earth-shattering… I don’t know. The word “serviceable” comes to mind, but I think it was better than that… but not by much.

Good episode, not great. All four guests did decent jobs. Aside from the catchphrase at the end and the name stumble, I think Kerwin did the best interview. He’s reminding me of Rick’s opinion of Glen Jacobs: give the guy a dumb or geeky storyline or character, and he’ll jump into it with reckless abandon. Someone on the OO boards posited that Kerwin might in fact be a babyface in heel’s clothing, and I must say that I’m starting to like him. He’s so incredibly over-the-top that there’s something catchy in his goofiness.

Todd and Steve are still not my top two choices for hosts of BT, but they certainly have more chemistry than Steve and Marc did. Plus, Todd is great in the role of keeping things moving and on track; he minimizes the stupidity and is able to keep a certain hold on Steve from getting too idiotic. The more I see Todd, the more I like him.

I guess that does it for me. I’ll be back on Friday with the rest of the trOOps for Team Coverage of the GAB, and again on Monday with my stat report. Take care, all of you.



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