proceedings. Totally unprepared, and
totally unlike a commissioner of anything should be.
But on PTI, he looked quite sharp. He
actually answered the hosts’ questions, although I still
think he put on the PR face and didn’t really get as
pissed as he should about Kenny Rogers’s reduced
suspension and Rafael Palmeiro’s positive test, but at
least he didn’t shy away from the answers this time. I
still think Selig needs to grow some and actually get
publicly angry at the MLBPA and arbitrators, but at least
he’s no longer the worst commissioner of the big four.
Damn you, Gary Bettman, and your reinstating Todd Bertuzzi.
Okay, enough of that. Time for Byte
Intro, Dusty Rhodes Brings the Suck:
Todd Grisham is by himself in the studio yet again…
People, I cannot tell you how much I appreciate the WWE
keeping Steve Romero the hell away from BT. Todd is such a
great fit, it’s not even funny.
Okay, BREAKING NEWS~! right away: Dusty
Rhodes and the WWE have come to an agreement, and Dusty
will working for the E soon. Not only that, but Dusty is
on the horn to talk to us!
…And good god, I’ve heard Triple H
prattle on for minutes on minutes, but he ain’t got
nothing on Dusty. The WWE is huge this, he’s happy to be
working for them that… Nothing but corporate shit, and
nothing interesting at all. He thinks Stephanie McMahon is
just as good as Vince, and really has an eye for the
business. I’ll let that statement stand on its own
Now, at one point, he says that he loves
to “make movies,” and that’s how he looks at the WWE,
as a giant movie, just like all TV. That statement shows
what’s fundamentally wrong with the thinking of
wrestling, because as Rick has pointed out, this is episodic
television. Movies are comparatively short, with very
little time to cram in things like character development
and plot. Plus, movies get things like special effects,
and retakes, and other tricks to cover up deficiencies in
acting (except Pauly Shore movies; nothing covers up THAT
stink). There are no mulligans in wrestling, and there
shouldn’t be as much scripting in wrestling as in
movies, and… gah, I’ll shut up before I go off on a
Todd shows us that he’s awake (unlike
the rest of us) by trying to close things down, saying “Thanks
for coming and we hope to see you in the WWE soon,” but
Dusty keeps on talking. He calls the Great American Bash
of 2005 one of the best PPVs ever, so we know what we’re
working with here.
About the only interesting thing he says
is a roundabout statement that eventually gets to, “You
have to look to the past to know your future.” I fear
this may mean “complete return of the 80s” for the WWE,
but I think the intention of Dusty’s comment is good.
Basically, he says that he hopes to teach the young guys
of the WWE who the stars were of yesteryear and what made
them great, or something.
Todd repeats himself about how great it
is that Dusty talked with us on BT, and how much he wants
to see Dusty in the WWE again. And with that, Dusty’s
done, and once we’re back from break, Carlito will be in
[montage of Carlito moments to Carlito’s
Carlito is Cool:
Carlito comes in, parks himself in the chair beside Todd,
and just lounges. Todd kisses ass, which seems twice as
funny as anyone else kissing ass for some reason; Todd’s
got a shirt and an apple, and hopes he and Carlito can “hang.”
Carlito placates Todd in the same tone as a parent
complimenting his daughter’s macaroni drawing.
Todd wants Carlito to talk to him more,
so Carlito does… Carlito says that Todd’s yellow apple
is appropriate since that’s the color down Todd’s
back, and Carlito is pissed that he was “up next” from
Dusty. Carlito is so cool, he should open the show. No, he
should be the only guest. No, he should be the WHOLE show!
But he assures us that the show is cool now that he’s on
it, and if anyone else thinks they’re cool, he’ll take
a bite of his apple and, well, you know.
Todd thinks it’s a good idea for him
to put down his own apple, and focus on current events.
What does Carlito think of Dusty Rhodes? “Whatever. Let’s
just get to Carlito.” I agree, man.
Carlito chats about how he beat down
John Cena for US title on his debut day last year, and we
even see a clip of it. Carlito shares that he’s pissed
because he should have been named WWE champion two weeks
ago. Todd says that some people (but not him) thinks that
his match with Cena, with Jericho as the special ref, was
unfair. Carlito says that was fair, but Chad Patton made
it unfair. “Chad Patton isn’t cool, John Cena isn’t
cool.” I can’t do justice to how funny that line was
during the interview.
Carlito is mighty pissed, but he is
pissed on behalf of the fans first. Because Jericho vs.
Cena is a match nobody wants to see, but everyone
wants to see Jericho vs. Carlito. Aw, how sweet of Carlito
to be standing up for us, or something.
Todd doesn’t know that straight men
don’t talk about other men’s hair, and comments that
Carlito’s is longer now. He asks if Carlito will let it
grow all the way to the floor. Carlito doesn’t miss a
beat, and asks why Todd would care, but then insults Todd’s
own hairstyle before waiting for an answer.
Carlito promises to beat the hell out of
John Cena with Jericho this next RAW in the handicap
match, and we get some talk (and a clip) of Carlito
beating Shelton Benjamin for the IC belt. He asks if Todd
wants to touch the belt, and Todd says yes, but Carlito
tells him that he can’t. With expert timing, Todd brings
up that Carlito may have won the IC belt due to bad
officiating, but drops it once he sees Carlito not buying
Moving away from that (because Todd
doesn’t want to start an incident on BT), we talk about
Carlito’s past. Todd wants to know if there is pressure
on Carlito because his father was a wrestling legend, but
no; Carlito says that he himself is a legend, so there is
They chat about Carlito’s Cabana and
how it beats Piper’s Pit. Carlito calls Byte This! cool,
and Todd laughs and says “That’s great! Can I touch
the belt now?” Carlito says no, and Todd immediately
moves on. Yet again, this part is really funny, but
written words don’t do it justice.
Todd says that the BT crew decided to
compile a list of topics, and we’ll name them off one at
a time to see if Carlito thinks it’s cool. In other
words, we’re playing Word Association, just like the
Todd: “Okay, first one… John Cena.”
Carlito: [gives Todd the stink-eye for
about three seconds] “I think you know the answer to
Carlito: [one-second pause] “John Cena
is definitely not cool. But he is a joke.”
It’s only a couple things, people,
that make comedy great. Delivery and timing, that’s the
majority. Carlito and Todd? They have it. Stupid, stupid
Jericho? “He’s getting cooler.”
Hulk Hogan? “Cool, 20 years ago. He’s
a wannabe now.”
Ric Flair? “Same as Hulk. He does his
stupid ‘woo.’ ”
Shawn Michaels? “You know that gay
little dancing he does? That’s not cool. But his Hogan
promo was funny.”
Vince McMahon? “Very cool.”
Terrell Owens? [The hell?] “TO is
cool, because he’s a star, and should hold out for
money.” Uh, he’s not holding out for money, but…
well, never mind.
We digress, with Carlito telling Todd to
hurry up with his questions, because Carlito has places to
be, unlike Todd, who is going to go back to his
one-bedroom apartment with his mom next door. Todd replies
it’s actually a tent in the backyard. I loves me my
Kenny Rogers? “Cool, because cameramen
are annoying. He should be given a bonus.”
The San Francisco radio announcer who
was fired after calling Caribbean players “brain-dead”?
“That’s not cool. He’s probably just pissed because
some Caribbean guy stole his girlfriend, so he’s trying
to disgrace Caribbean guys, but he’s really just
Todd says that’s the last one, to
which Carlito replies “Thank god,” but Todd actually
wants to get one more in. Is Todd Grisham cool? “Todd
Grisham? Definitely not cool. Look at you, you’re not
But Todd’s a pro, and won’t cry on
camera. We’ve got e-mails from fans, so we’re going to
be addressing those next. The first one asks if the
comparison between Carlito and the Rock are justified.
Carlito says no, because it’s not his fault that the
Rock wants to be like Carlito. You know, I really want the
Rock to come back to get into a promo war with Carlito. If
Rock doesn’t mind sharing the spotlight, the comedy
would write itself.
Carlito is mostly pissed that Rock grew
his hair out. “He grew his hair out in that one movie…
which one was it? The one with John Travolta?” Todd
says, “It was Be Cool.” Carlito replies, “What
Second e-mail: who would Carlito like to
face in a dream match? “Carlito would like to face…
Carlito. That would be a hell of a match, a hell of an
event.” The BT camera guys start laughing, and Carlito
goes on with “I don’t know how I could beat myself
though, do you?” Todd replies, “Nothing I can say on
television.” Funny, but we’re on the Internet, not TV.
If the Hollywood writers fed them those lines, it would
annoy me, but it sounds fairly natural.
All right, we’ve got a caller, named
Disma or something. Carlito verbally wonders what the hell
kind of a name is “Disma.” So the male caller asks
what adjustments Carlito made when he went from SmackDown!
to RAW. Carlito replies with, “And you’re a guy, and
your name is Disma?” This also gets laughs from the BT
cameramen and crew, and from me too. Carlito gets to the
question, and says that nothing changed, except for the
fact that SD is no longer cool, and RAW is the cool show
Next e-mail: Who is the coolest wrestler
besides Carlito himself? “Good question, but I can’t
think of anyone else but myself. Probably Chris Jericho as
a faraway second.”
Todd knows how to segue, and asks what
other wrestlers have impressed Carlito. Carlito thinks
about it, then says, “Shelton Benjamin has impressed me.”
The hell? “He’s impressed me that he never gives up.
No matter how many times I beat him, he just keeps coming
back to get beaten again. Can’t he just get a life?”
Fourth e-mail: what music does Carlito
like, and who’s his favorite artist? Carlito says that
he likes all music, depending on who’s doing it… but
he hates country. Country isn’t cool. Todd says, “Really?
I kinda dig on country.” Carlito replies, “Aha, see?
Point made.” Nice.
Fifth e-mail: who did Carlito like to
watch wrestle growing up? Carlito names off Ric Flair, his
father, Ricky Steamboat, and others. But he’d rather
just watch replays of himself.
They touch on when Carlito was beatdown
on Wrestlemania 21 from Steve Austin and Roddy Piper. We
see a clip of it, too, but Carlito in the BT studio
demands the clip to be stopped before we see the actual
beatdown commence. He threatens to leave if they keep it
playing, because it’s just not cool.
The next couple questions are stupid, so
we’ll just pass on them. Todd says that Carlito’s part
is over with, thanks him for hanging out, but hopes he
stays for the next segment of BT. Namely, the new music
video from John Cena! Carlito is pissed, says fuck this,
does the apple spit, throws the remainder of the apple
into Todd’s testicles, and leaves. Todd needs time to
recover, so we go on to Cena’s rap ballad.
[Cena’s rap ballad; hey, I don’t
Ending Noise: We’re
back, and Todd has fully recovered. For those of us just
tuning in, he says that Carlito has left the building,
giving us his very own special kind of goodbye. Ha! Todd
hypes SD!, including saying that Christian’s Peep Show
is better than Carlito’s Cabana… good thing Carlito’s
gone now, huh Todd?
Closing Comments: I’d
still like to see Carlito out of character once, but his
over-the-top antics really shine on BT. Three times he’s
been on, three times I haven’t been disappointed.
Dusty’s monologue was worthless, but
Carlito more than made up for it. I fully recommend this
episode; Carlito’s part was maybe a half-hour, and the
whole thing was 45 minutes total. Good stuff!
Keep it up, Todd.