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Todd Grisham? Thas Cool.
August 13, 2005

by PyroFalkon
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


Yay for me, I finished writing my short auto-biography! I have a personal website that has served as a portal to all the game-related stuff I’ve written, and it’s taken me forever to get the section on myself written (mostly because I’m extremely lazy). If you’re really bored, head over there to discover the meaning behind my pseudonym, among other things!
In news that you may actually care about (if baseball is your thing), MLB Commissioner Bud Selig was on my favorite show, Pardon the Interruption a couple days ago. Selig was one of the guys called to the senate in the spring to testify about steroids in baseball, and he looked like a complete idiot during those

proceedings. Totally unprepared, and totally unlike a commissioner of anything should be.

But on PTI, he looked quite sharp. He actually answered the hosts’ questions, although I still think he put on the PR face and didn’t really get as pissed as he should about Kenny Rogers’s reduced suspension and Rafael Palmeiro’s positive test, but at least he didn’t shy away from the answers this time. I still think Selig needs to grow some and actually get publicly angry at the MLBPA and arbitrators, but at least he’s no longer the worst commissioner of the big four. Damn you, Gary Bettman, and your reinstating Todd Bertuzzi.

Okay, enough of that. Time for Byte This!.

Intro, Dusty Rhodes Brings the Suck: Todd Grisham is by himself in the studio yet again… People, I cannot tell you how much I appreciate the WWE keeping Steve Romero the hell away from BT. Todd is such a great fit, it’s not even funny.

Okay, BREAKING NEWS~! right away: Dusty Rhodes and the WWE have come to an agreement, and Dusty will working for the E soon. Not only that, but Dusty is on the horn to talk to us!

…And good god, I’ve heard Triple H prattle on for minutes on minutes, but he ain’t got nothing on Dusty. The WWE is huge this, he’s happy to be working for them that… Nothing but corporate shit, and nothing interesting at all. He thinks Stephanie McMahon is just as good as Vince, and really has an eye for the business. I’ll let that statement stand on its own merits.

Now, at one point, he says that he loves to “make movies,” and that’s how he looks at the WWE, as a giant movie, just like all TV. That statement shows what’s fundamentally wrong with the thinking of wrestling, because as Rick has pointed out, this is episodic television. Movies are comparatively short, with very little time to cram in things like character development and plot. Plus, movies get things like special effects, and retakes, and other tricks to cover up deficiencies in acting (except Pauly Shore movies; nothing covers up THAT stink). There are no mulligans in wrestling, and there shouldn’t be as much scripting in wrestling as in movies, and… gah, I’ll shut up before I go off on a rant.

Todd shows us that he’s awake (unlike the rest of us) by trying to close things down, saying “Thanks for coming and we hope to see you in the WWE soon,” but Dusty keeps on talking. He calls the Great American Bash of 2005 one of the best PPVs ever, so we know what we’re working with here.

About the only interesting thing he says is a roundabout statement that eventually gets to, “You have to look to the past to know your future.” I fear this may mean “complete return of the 80s” for the WWE, but I think the intention of Dusty’s comment is good. Basically, he says that he hopes to teach the young guys of the WWE who the stars were of yesteryear and what made them great, or something.

Todd repeats himself about how great it is that Dusty talked with us on BT, and how much he wants to see Dusty in the WWE again. And with that, Dusty’s done, and once we’re back from break, Carlito will be in the studio!

[montage of Carlito moments to Carlito’s theme music]

Carlito is Cool: Carlito comes in, parks himself in the chair beside Todd, and just lounges. Todd kisses ass, which seems twice as funny as anyone else kissing ass for some reason; Todd’s got a shirt and an apple, and hopes he and Carlito can “hang.” Carlito placates Todd in the same tone as a parent complimenting his daughter’s macaroni drawing.

Todd wants Carlito to talk to him more, so Carlito does… Carlito says that Todd’s yellow apple is appropriate since that’s the color down Todd’s back, and Carlito is pissed that he was “up next” from Dusty. Carlito is so cool, he should open the show. No, he should be the only guest. No, he should be the WHOLE show! But he assures us that the show is cool now that he’s on it, and if anyone else thinks they’re cool, he’ll take a bite of his apple and, well, you know.

Todd thinks it’s a good idea for him to put down his own apple, and focus on current events. What does Carlito think of Dusty Rhodes? “Whatever. Let’s just get to Carlito.” I agree, man.

Carlito chats about how he beat down John Cena for US title on his debut day last year, and we even see a clip of it. Carlito shares that he’s pissed because he should have been named WWE champion two weeks ago. Todd says that some people (but not him) thinks that his match with Cena, with Jericho as the special ref, was unfair. Carlito says that was fair, but Chad Patton made it unfair. “Chad Patton isn’t cool, John Cena isn’t cool.” I can’t do justice to how funny that line was during the interview.

Carlito is mighty pissed, but he is pissed on behalf of the fans first. Because Jericho vs. Cena is a match nobody wants to see, but everyone wants to see Jericho vs. Carlito. Aw, how sweet of Carlito to be standing up for us, or something.

Todd doesn’t know that straight men don’t talk about other men’s hair, and comments that Carlito’s is longer now. He asks if Carlito will let it grow all the way to the floor. Carlito doesn’t miss a beat, and asks why Todd would care, but then insults Todd’s own hairstyle before waiting for an answer.

Carlito promises to beat the hell out of John Cena with Jericho this next RAW in the handicap match, and we get some talk (and a clip) of Carlito beating Shelton Benjamin for the IC belt. He asks if Todd wants to touch the belt, and Todd says yes, but Carlito tells him that he can’t. With expert timing, Todd brings up that Carlito may have won the IC belt due to bad officiating, but drops it once he sees Carlito not buying it.

Moving away from that (because Todd doesn’t want to start an incident on BT), we talk about Carlito’s past. Todd wants to know if there is pressure on Carlito because his father was a wrestling legend, but no; Carlito says that he himself is a legend, so there is no pressure.

They chat about Carlito’s Cabana and how it beats Piper’s Pit. Carlito calls Byte This! cool, and Todd laughs and says “That’s great! Can I touch the belt now?” Carlito says no, and Todd immediately moves on. Yet again, this part is really funny, but written words don’t do it justice.

Todd says that the BT crew decided to compile a list of topics, and we’ll name them off one at a time to see if Carlito thinks it’s cool. In other words, we’re playing Word Association, just like the last two times.

Todd: “Okay, first one… John Cena.”

Carlito: [gives Todd the stink-eye for about three seconds] “I think you know the answer to that.”

Todd: “Cool?”

Carlito: [one-second pause] “John Cena is definitely not cool. But he is a joke.”

It’s only a couple things, people, that make comedy great. Delivery and timing, that’s the majority. Carlito and Todd? They have it. Stupid, stupid Romero.

Okay, anyway…

Jericho? “He’s getting cooler.”

Hulk Hogan? “Cool, 20 years ago. He’s a wannabe now.”

Ric Flair? “Same as Hulk. He does his stupid ‘woo.’ ”

Shawn Michaels? “You know that gay little dancing he does? That’s not cool. But his Hogan promo was funny.”

Vince McMahon? “Very cool.”

Terrell Owens? [The hell?] “TO is cool, because he’s a star, and should hold out for money.” Uh, he’s not holding out for money, but… well, never mind.

We digress, with Carlito telling Todd to hurry up with his questions, because Carlito has places to be, unlike Todd, who is going to go back to his one-bedroom apartment with his mom next door. Todd replies it’s actually a tent in the backyard. I loves me my self-depreciating humor.

Kenny Rogers? “Cool, because cameramen are annoying. He should be given a bonus.”

The San Francisco radio announcer who was fired after calling Caribbean players “brain-dead”? “That’s not cool. He’s probably just pissed because some Caribbean guy stole his girlfriend, so he’s trying to disgrace Caribbean guys, but he’s really just jealous.”

Todd says that’s the last one, to which Carlito replies “Thank god,” but Todd actually wants to get one more in. Is Todd Grisham cool? “Todd Grisham? Definitely not cool. Look at you, you’re not stupid.” Heh.

But Todd’s a pro, and won’t cry on camera. We’ve got e-mails from fans, so we’re going to be addressing those next. The first one asks if the comparison between Carlito and the Rock are justified. Carlito says no, because it’s not his fault that the Rock wants to be like Carlito. You know, I really want the Rock to come back to get into a promo war with Carlito. If Rock doesn’t mind sharing the spotlight, the comedy would write itself.

Carlito is mostly pissed that Rock grew his hair out. “He grew his hair out in that one movie… which one was it? The one with John Travolta?” Todd says, “It was Be Cool.” Carlito replies, “What a coincidence.”

Second e-mail: who would Carlito like to face in a dream match? “Carlito would like to face… Carlito. That would be a hell of a match, a hell of an event.” The BT camera guys start laughing, and Carlito goes on with “I don’t know how I could beat myself though, do you?” Todd replies, “Nothing I can say on television.” Funny, but we’re on the Internet, not TV. If the Hollywood writers fed them those lines, it would annoy me, but it sounds fairly natural.

All right, we’ve got a caller, named Disma or something. Carlito verbally wonders what the hell kind of a name is “Disma.” So the male caller asks what adjustments Carlito made when he went from SmackDown! to RAW. Carlito replies with, “And you’re a guy, and your name is Disma?” This also gets laughs from the BT cameramen and crew, and from me too. Carlito gets to the question, and says that nothing changed, except for the fact that SD is no longer cool, and RAW is the cool show now.

Next e-mail: Who is the coolest wrestler besides Carlito himself? “Good question, but I can’t think of anyone else but myself. Probably Chris Jericho as a faraway second.”

Todd knows how to segue, and asks what other wrestlers have impressed Carlito. Carlito thinks about it, then says, “Shelton Benjamin has impressed me.” The hell? “He’s impressed me that he never gives up. No matter how many times I beat him, he just keeps coming back to get beaten again. Can’t he just get a life?” Ah.

Fourth e-mail: what music does Carlito like, and who’s his favorite artist? Carlito says that he likes all music, depending on who’s doing it… but he hates country. Country isn’t cool. Todd says, “Really? I kinda dig on country.” Carlito replies, “Aha, see? Point made.” Nice.

Fifth e-mail: who did Carlito like to watch wrestle growing up? Carlito names off Ric Flair, his father, Ricky Steamboat, and others. But he’d rather just watch replays of himself.

They touch on when Carlito was beatdown on Wrestlemania 21 from Steve Austin and Roddy Piper. We see a clip of it, too, but Carlito in the BT studio demands the clip to be stopped before we see the actual beatdown commence. He threatens to leave if they keep it playing, because it’s just not cool.

The next couple questions are stupid, so we’ll just pass on them. Todd says that Carlito’s part is over with, thanks him for hanging out, but hopes he stays for the next segment of BT. Namely, the new music video from John Cena! Carlito is pissed, says fuck this, does the apple spit, throws the remainder of the apple into Todd’s testicles, and leaves. Todd needs time to recover, so we go on to Cena’s rap ballad.

[Cena’s rap ballad; hey, I don’t hate it]

Ending Noise: We’re back, and Todd has fully recovered. For those of us just tuning in, he says that Carlito has left the building, giving us his very own special kind of goodbye. Ha! Todd hypes SD!, including saying that Christian’s Peep Show is better than Carlito’s Cabana… good thing Carlito’s gone now, huh Todd?

Closing Comments: I’d still like to see Carlito out of character once, but his over-the-top antics really shine on BT. Three times he’s been on, three times I haven’t been disappointed.

Dusty’s monologue was worthless, but Carlito more than made up for it. I fully recommend this episode; Carlito’s part was maybe a half-hour, and the whole thing was 45 minutes total. Good stuff!

Keep it up, Todd.



SMACKDOWN! RECAP: The Never-Ending Story

OBTUSE ANGLE: The Salesfan, Part One

BYTE THIS RECAP: Jericho Sucks, Grisham Rules?

OO: Bret In, Lesnar Out, RAW, Dusty, Molly, MORE!

RAW RECAP: 30 Minutes of Butter, 2 Hours of Toast

RAW SATIRE: The Horrifying Truth About Matt Hardy

OO: RAW/Stunt Booking, Heat Edit, Lots More!

HEAT RECAP: The Birthing of a New Tag Team?

VELOCITY RECAP: A PPV Rematch! Sort of!

OO: Where's Jericho Going? And Other News...


INSIDE THE ROPES: Catching Up Ain't Hard to Do

BYTE THIS RECAP: Marty's Many Mea Culpas

OOTRR: WWF IYH Degeneration X Re-Revued

OO RAW RECAP: A Second Half Collapse

RAW SATIRE: Hebner Twin Powers, ACTIVATE!

OO: Competition for WWE, Cena, Ivory, and MORE

PPV RECAP: SD! presents the Great American Bash


HEAT RECAP: London Underground

VELOCITY RECAP: Champions vs. Champions?

TEAM COVERAGE: Great American Bash PPV Preview

SMACKDOWN! RECAP: The Return of the Wrestling

INSIDE THE ROPES: Letters From a Nut VII

BYTE THIS RECAP: JBL, Batista, and Turd Polishing

OO: RAW/Ratings, Mad Haas, TNA, Firings, More

OOTRR: WWF Survivor Series 1997 Re-Revued

OO RAW RECAP: Was THIS Snitsky's Fault?

RAW SATIRE: Max Hearty Strikes Again!

OO: RAW, Matt Hardy, New Gimmicks, TNA, MORE!

PPV RECAP: TNA No Surrender

HEAT RECAP: Rob Conway's Shocking Secret....

VELOCITY RECAP: Debuts and Flashbacks

TNA MONTHLY CHECK-UP: Road to No Surrender

ItR DVD REVIEW: The Road Warriors

SMACKDOWN! RECAP: Now in TelemundoVision

BYTE THIS REMIX: Another Look at Hardy/Lita

BYTE THIS RECAP: Who Got Punk'd?

ItR TRAVELOGUE: WWE's Niagara Falls SuperStore

OO: RAW/Ratings, Matt Hardy Status, and Lots More

OOTRR: WWF In Your House Badd Blood Re-Revued




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