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Edge/Matt/Lita Are the Dead Horse,
Byte This is the Stick.
August 19, 2005

by PyroFalkon
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


No stories to get past the ad box this week, so you’ll have to bear with me.

Intro: This is going to be a SUPER-DUPER special Byte This!, because we’re going to have Matt Hardy, Lita, and Edge all with live mics! If this storyline is a horse, it’s dead, and BT is the stick. Here’s hoping I don’t make an ass out of myself this time. 

But first, before we get to the guests, we open with a long-ass video package retelling the story. This is the same one they showed… um… Monday? Last Monday? Something like that. Once that’s over with, we go the studio, where Todd tells us that Matt is in the studio beside him, and Lita and Edge are shown via satellite from “their home.”  

Todd gives us some hype for Matt and Edge’s match this weekend, then gives Edge the first say. Edge ironically bitches at Matt for dragging the story into the Net, and that he (Edge) made a mistake so Matt should just shut up and deal with it privately. While Edge blathers, they cut to Matt, who is looking quite lucid, oddly.

Matt responds by calmly saying how disappointed he is with Lita, then goes on to counter Edge. In an interesting little twist, Matt says that while Edge said he “made a mistake,” a “mistake” is something that happens once, not something that happens over three months. Matt attributes this to the fact that Edge can’t separate his professional and personal lives; that is, Edge feels he’s a main eventer in the ring, so he feels he’s a main eventer in life too, who can do anything with anyone he wants to.

Matt wants to talk about mistakes, so brings up that Edge has been married and divorced multiple times. Edge counters that Matt has had only one serious relationship by the time he was 30, which means Matt is terrible with women. Making it worse, says Edge, is Matt’s effort to get the WWE fans into believing he’s a real-life martyr. Huh, that’s truthful.

Matt and Edge then talk for about twenty seconds over each other, both accusing the other of being in-character outside the ring and being too diluted with their own image. I wonder if there’s any truth to that, not just against these guys, but wrestlers in general. I know certain guys tend to fall in love with their own legend, but I wonder if it strikes every wrestler at some point.

I digress (although I’m still curious). So far, things have been going great, so we have to activate the Byte This! Custom. Matt, in a total non sequitur, says “I don’t care whether you’re a midcarder, upper carder, main eventer, at SummerSlam, no one is going to stop me from beating [Edge] like he’s never been beaten before.” The fuck?

This degenerates into “I can beat you up,” “No you can’t,” “Yes I can.” Todd reigns in the insanity and points out we haven’t heard from Lita yet. Todd’s even got a question for her: how does Lita feel about having her personal life dragged into the public’s eye?

Lita replies by merely restating her thesis from last time: every aspect of her life has changed this, she never expected it that… She says that she’s admitted to Matt and herself that she made a mistake, but only in betraying Matt’s trust, not in falling for Edge. She doesn’t like the fact that the match exists, and she doesn’t want to see either of them beating the shit out of each other. In a frickin’ hilarious statement, she says, “I don’t think this could have come to a conclusion in any other way than a match at SummerSlam.” If you follow that line of thinking, I guess she thinks that Eddie and Rey’s “Custody Papers on a Pole” Match makes perfect sense too.

Todd asks Matt how he felt seeing Lita and Edge’s wedding, and how he felt when he heard his music play. Matt answers that the wedding in general was sick, mostly because of how close Matt and Edge had been as friends. Matt, as he talks, does not look at whatever monitor has Edge and Lita’s faces, because he says he absolutely can’t stand the sight of Edge anymore.

But getting back to the actual question, Matt was ecstatic when his music played, because he knew there was “a monster out there, and WWE was just feeding it.” Which is true, and probably backs up the argument that Matt was more popular months ago.

Once again Matt and Edge get into simultaneous bickering. It ends when Edge says that he is Matt’s superior physically and intellectually, which was proven when Edge gave a verbal beatdown two weeks ago compared to Matt’s “wrestling promo” from the week before that. It’s true, but… well, see my closing comments. Edge says that the verbal beatdown is equal to “beating a baby seal.” Heh.

Matt counters this, ironically, with a wrestling promo. “At SummerSlam, no one will stop me,” and so on. Edge says that wrestling is Matt’s life, and Matt didn’t know how to treat women or be there for their emotional needs, which is why he lost Lita. “It’s like I said before. You just proved my point, dumbass.” Titter! Which one is the face in this, again?

Matt continues anyway, saying that he was a true friend. When Edge was out with a broken neck, Matt called him every week to check up on him. But when Matt was out with a knee injury, Edge snaked Lita. (Am I using the word “snake” correctly there?) Edge sarcastically replies that he was just waiting to pounce on her; actually, Edge says, it was a slow process that built up because Matt couldn’t (and isn’t) able to handle Lita’s emotional needs.

Todd has given questions to Lita and Matt, so it’s time to hit Edge. What does Edge think of Matt telling him to go die in a car crash? Edge opens with, “Well, we’re seeing what kind of guy Matt is,” which is his line from a couple weeks ago, but still quite valid. Edge continues by saying that sure, he made a mistake betraying Matt’s trust too, and (although being with Lita isn’t one), he’ll continue to make mistakes for the rest of his life because he’s human.

But, by saying he wants to Edge die in a car crash, it proves Matt needs a life, and doesn’t want to face him at SummerSlam. Oh, I can’t WAIT to hear how Edge equates those two. “See, I want you to be healthy, so I can beat the crap out of you.” Huh. Edge then says he’s Bill Gates, while Matt is the hobo on street with a sign that says “Will wrestle for food.” That’d be funnier if the analogy actually had some bearing on the current conversation, but whatever. “At SummerSlam, it’ll be time to nut up, or shut the [bleep] up.”

Bleep? BLEEP??? Motherfuckers, this isn’t live! Assholes. But more on that in my closing comments, because I’m actually not pissed.

So Matt laughs at Edge, and Edge is bored, so he leaves with Lita. Todd says that the floor is all Matt’s by default. Matt takes this time to stand up, approach the poor camera man who’s forced to do an upward angle, then goes on a tirade about how he’ll beat down Edge. Matt even decides to get in on the four-letter fun, and calls everything around the central issue nothing but horse[bleep], and it’s always been horse[bleep], and no one will stop Matt from hurting Edge. Our punch line by Matt: “I’ve never been this driven. And when we step in that ring in SummerSlam, it will be kill-or-be-killed. And Matt Hardy… will not… die. I will not die.” Sure, that sounded natural, if we accept that William Shatner is a better actor than Samuel L. Jackson.

We wrap it up with Matt calling Edge a “piece of [bleep] lying scumbag bastard,” and that Matt is Edge’s worst nightmare, and if Edge doesn’t believe that, “you will… come… SummerSlam.” And then he leaves.

So we had two punch lines, and they both sucked. There’s silence for a couple seconds as Todd tries to figure out methods for polishing this turd. “Well… there you heard it. I don’t know what else needs to be said.” Well played, Todd. That’s about the extent anyone could have done it.

Todd hypes this match at SummerSlam, and SummerSlam in general. He thanks us for listening… and we’re done??????

Closing Comments: A 15-minute show? The hell? Considering the opening video, the whole thing was really about 12 minutes long. This was a long wrestling segment, not a weekly recap/hype show. Ah well.

Okay, so the four bleeps at the end told me this wasn’t live. But guess what? I can live with that. The reason I was so pissed last time was because I had thought it was live. Not only that, we weren’t lied to this time around. It still reeked of “fixing,” because now that I know it wasn’t live, it calls the e-mailer’s question into suspicion. Still, they didn’t take any calls, so aside from the bleeps, I thought it was live. It went live a minute or two after 8, looked plausible aside from a different picture in the studio background… I mean really, I’m surprised they bothered with the bleeps at all, and then the illusion would have been complete.

The only thing that concerns me about the show in general is that it was only 15 minutes and focused on one story. I mean, sure, it’s not like Byte This! segments are as important as RAW or SmackDown! segments. But if they’re going to insist on putting people in-character on BT, they could have at least put a couple other guests to fill time. Then again, I suppose they wouldn’t have been able to pull it off if the show wasn’t live.

As far as the show itself, Edge definitely came across as being the stronger of the two. Matt did precisely what Edge was accusing him of (doing wrestling promos instead of talking heart-to-heart), which I suppose I can forgive if that’s the way they want Matt to do this. If Matt is talking off-the-cuff though, he really needs to do something different with his tones. They’re coming across way too fake, even for a wrestler.

Lita didn’t do anything but sit there, but I guess she really didn’t have a part in the story anymore. This has become “Matt wants to kick Edge’s ass because of something Edge did earlier,” instead of making Lita a direct part of it. I’m not sure what I think about that.

I… really don’t have much more to say. This episode wasn’t even serviceable. It didn’t do any good for any other story going into SummerSlam, and it only barely did anything to affect the Matt/Edge saga. So… I don’t know. Seems like a waste of time to me.

Todd, however, has done yet another strong episode. I like Todd; keep it up, man. You’re the third best announcer the WWE has got, and the best one not on a flagship show. 



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