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OO BYTE THIS RECAP
Four Divas, Eight bOObies, and
One Magical Pair of Boxers
August 25, 2005

by PyroFalkon
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

I sit here before you, typing this document in some pain. This is, bar-none, the Dumbest Injury in the World. And proof that I’m a pussy.
 
See, I have serious allergy and sinus issues, which always flare up the worst during July and August. This past weekend, I was lying on my right side on the floor, drying to get my sinuses to drain. (I suppose I should have warned you ahead of time not to read this if you’re eating. Oh well.) So I’m lying there, playing a game on my Xbox, putting

all my weight into my right arm and elbow. Then, a massive sneezing attack hits me, mostly because I was too dumb to take allergy medicine ahead of time. I sneezed so hard, and with my weight completely on that arm, I ended up straining a muscle in my arm.

Whatever I strained, it affected my whole arm. My tricep was on fire, along with my elbow and wrist. It felt like a combined version of tennis elbow with some carpal tunnel thrown in. I iced and heated my tricep on Monday, and it and my elbow are 100% now.

My right wrist, on the other hand, isn’t doing so well. It’s certainly better (yesterday I was having trouble gripping things, and luckily that’s subsided), but typing or gaming or doing anything else where I need my wrist just kills me.

Not that it’s bad enough to stop me from doing my weekly duties with recapping! And as far as you’ll know, there’s no change… In reality, I’m typing a skosh slower than normal. Hopefully this won’t last more than a day or two more.

All right, enough of this self-pussifying of my public image (what public image?). Time for the recap!

Intro, Media Hype, Guest Rundown: We’re pulling an ECW here, starting late with a bunch of technical problems. I’ve noticed that even though Todd Grisham is raising the content quality of BT, the rest of the crew is sending the technical aspects through the basement. Does this mean that TNA has the superior Internet show? It’s TNA’s claim to fame! w00t!!!

All right, once we’re actually on, Todd hypes SummerSlam as, like, the best PPV since Wrestlemania III. He also recaps it, and you know our pOOlicy on that. And he goes over the guest list today… Boobies McTitsalot, Generic Playboy Whore, Leggy del Taco, and Red-Headed Spaz. My pain starts moving from my wrist to every part of my brain, especially the part that, you know, lusts for Gail Kim in every sense of the word. And I don’t know, I never drink alcohol, but I have a feeling I’m way too sober for this.

Todd recaps the trade for us, calling it a “blockbuster trade.” Then, because he’s cool and we need some time filler, he decides to tell us the origin of the word “blockbuster.” Apparently, when Jaws came out in the 70s, the lines of people were so long that they wrapped around the block, and it appeared as if the people were busting the city blocks. Huh. Even if that’s completely inaccurate, coming from Todd, it sounds fairly intelligent and more than plausible.

The BT crew hilariously gives him the Kerwin White Applause Treatment, so Todd dismisses them and goes back to hyping the diva trade. He says that he got a chance to do a sit-down interview with them (at an undisclosed time and location). And because Todd likes mocking himself and pretending he’s Coach (the better aspects of Coach anyway), Todd says that we’re now cutting to one the GREATEST JOURNALISTS OF ALL TIME, himself.

Del Taco & Spaz Are Flat: So Leggy and the redhead are in the same studio where Matt Hardy was last week, and Todd introduces them. They applaud for themselves, and Todd gets as excited as they do. So excited, he wants a kiss from them to kick off the interview. Both Taco and Spaz say, “Um… uh… no,” then giggle as they watch Todd’s self-esteem and shlong retreat back into his body. Poor Todd.

But Todd’s a professional, so he’s just going to start asking the questions everyone wants to know. The first one is, naturally, what were the babes’ thoughts on the trade? Del Taco replies, “Well, I’m excited, and since SmackDown! is moving to Fridays, you’ll all get to see a brand new side of Stacy Keibler.” Apparently, she’ll now refer to herself in the third-person and she’ll have a different attitude because the day she works starts with an F instead of an M.

But Spaz must have a more intelligent and logical answer, right? So Christy, are you excited? “Oh my gosh, yes, like, I’m excited, like, I’m excited because we’ll get to meet a whole new audience.” Because we all know that WWE fans are firmly divided and only watch one brand, so she’ll never see the same person twice that she did on RAW. She goes on: “On RAW, I had a great year! I posed for Playboy, did a match with Trish at Wrestlemania 21, and really had a great time! So at SmackDown!, I’ll be able to have a totally different experience!” Oy. This would be tolerable if she was showing any signs of her normal Spazzy self, but she’s just phoning in the Spaz tonight.

Todd gives us a spoiler by saying that there was a controversy involving them on the SmackDown! taping, so what up with that? Leggy sadly proclaims that she and Spaz had a match, but UPN no-likey something about it, so it was pulled from the show. Huh. Something tells me it’s not as big of a deal as they’re making it out to be, but points for effort.

Anyway, it was everyone’s favorite, technically sound match. That’s right, a lingerie pillow fight. But all is not lost, because once SmackDown! goes off the air, you can see the Too Hot For TV Lingerie Pillow Fight on WWE.com for free. Spaz decides to turn on the switch to her character, and she says her next line in a PERFECT blend of sexy and slutty tones, “I guess we caused some trouble on our first night, and you should all tune into SmackDown! next week because we might be causing more trouble.” Todd says, hell, why wait for next Thursday, let’s just cause some trouble now! Leggy and Spaz simultaneously say, “Um… uh… no.” Nice.

We cut back to the BT studio, where Todd is actually live to us. He says that anyone can tell by the way they were looking at him, they’re in love with him. This is funny, because we know he knows he’s feigning being a tool. It’s less funny when Coach does it because Coach’s character doesn’t know he’s a douche.

Anyway, Todd hypes SmackDown! again, telling us to be sure to watch the lingerie pillow fight with a beer while making out with our girlfriend and/or boyfriend. Yeah, nothing turns Kelly on more than seeing two women in PG-rated bikinis smack each other around with implausibly large pillows in public. I think if I got laid after that, I really could say I got lucky.

[clip of GPW and BMT beating up… um… Ashley; damn, can’t think of a name for her]

Whore and McTitsalot Are Lame: These two are too diva-y to be in the studio, so they’re on the phone. Wait, no, only McTitsalot is calling in. Crap, gotta make a new header.

McTitsalot Is Lame Enough For Two: That works. So, Todd decides to open the interview with a stirring question, with an equally stirring reply.

Todd: “Do you realize you were missing the hips of your outfit on Monday?”

McTitsalot: [sarcasm] “Uh, I think I did that on purpose.” [/sarcasm]

Yep, I’m digging the intellectual power of this conversation. Boobies goes on to say that she’s glad she’s on cable now, because her outfit was so TOTALLY TOO HOTTTTT for network TV. Right.

So Todd asks Boobies the same question he asked the other two: what are her thoughts about going to RAW? Candice says she’s SUPER EXCITED because she’ll show the fans who she REALLY is. Unless that means she’s getting rid of the implants, I will continue to Not Care.

Todd brings up that we’ve known Boobies to be a nice slut instead of a mean slut, so what gives with her talking trash (which implies that the Talk was more significant than the Beatdown)? The reply: “I wanted everyone to know that I’m the hottest diva and the RAWest diva [I take this moment to roll my eyes so far in my head that I end up pulling an Undertaker], so I want everyone to realize that up front!” Hey look! I still don’t care!

Candice goes on about “I’m tired of being in the back and I want to be in the spotlight,” which would be cool if there seemed to be any smidgen of shooting to it, but there isn’t. So Todd of course asks if we can expect to see her wrestle in a, you know, match. Candice, logically, dodges entirely. Great way to rope in the fans, there.

We’ve got an e-mail for Candice! “Did she beat the shit out of Ashley in an act of jealousy because Ashley won her Diva Search when Candice didn’t?” Interesting question, but it’s way too convoluted for the WWE creative team’s perverted sense of continuity. So instead, Candice decides to answer it by giving an answer to an entirely different question. “All I can say is that other people on RAW will be jealous because the hottest blond diva and the hottest brunette diva are now on RAW.” Redundant, illogical, and irrelevant. That’s the trifecta of dumb.

I’m so unnerved by this, that I put off BT for now and decide to start talking on AIM. My friend, CJRadical, has the nerve to bring up how wonderful and hot the divas are (specifically Candice). This is our stirring conversation…

(22:09:17) PyroFalkon: It's funny... I can't STAND the stereotypical definition of hot.
(22:09:23) CjRadical: lol
(22:09:29) CjRadical: shes hella cool tho
(22:09:42) PyroFalkon: Get a girl in jeans, a T-shirt, and just have her stand there NATURALLY with a small smile. That's hot.
(22:09:54) CjRadical: yea, your NON CALI for sho

I’m not sure whether that’s more of a commentary against whored up women, or California, or both. Either way, instant messaging is lowering my IQ even worse, so it’s back to the BT recap I go.

So where was I? Oh yeah, Boobies is giving us an inspiring speech to hype this new diva uprising, or whatever. We’re going verbatim for this one.

“You’ve got the hottest blond and the hottest brunette, and with us together it’s like the Dynamic Duo. And we’re just letting Ashley know where she stands, you know? She might be the new diva, but she’s not the most rawest diva [sic], and Torrie and I are there to let her know… know that.”

Wow. I believe that has changed my whole line of thinking. I will never again besmirch the infinitely deep mind of Candice Michelle, nor any of her co-workers, for they surely are the greatest minds of this century.

No, wait a second… I still don’t care.

Generic Playboy Whore Does Not Make the Save: Torrie Wilson materializes out of nowhere, which prompts Todd to declare that this is his first three-way… conversation! HAH! YOU THOUGHT HE WAS GOING TO IMPLY SOME SEXUAL COMMENT BUT THEN HE SWERVED!!! Todd? You are now pushing it. But don’t worry, you’re still way above Marc Loyd, Josh Mathews, The Coach, and Steve Romero.

Torrie declares that she and Candice have a brand new attitude, and they’ll do everything they can to work together. Because, Torrie is quick to say, she can’t think of a hotter couple than herself and Candice.

Ah, but Todd somewhat returns to my good graces by asking Whore, “Some say that Stacy and Spaz are hotter. What do you say to that, bitch?” Says the bitch… I mean, the whore: “Well, they’re cute and all, but they definitely don’t have the sex appeal Candice and I do because we were taken off the air from network TV!” Um, Torrie? You may want to listen to the whole show next time around, ‘kay?

Todd asks if Torrie is going to be teaming up with Candice, or if this last Monday was a one-night deal. Torrie replies, “She’s my partner in crime, so we have to work together for a little while.” Candice chimes in by vomiting the “Dynamic Duo” phrase again. You know, if this results in them in removing Melina’s voice box for the duration of her WWE career, I think I’ll cheer for them. Otherwise? I still don’t care.

Candice goes on that Ashley needs to be taught a lesson, because Ashley needs to learn that it’s not a cakewalk in the WWE and that it was unfair for her to get the quarter-million dollar check when she didn’t. Two things: 1) This is completely inconstant with Candice’s earlier answer in this same episode that she’s not jealous, and 2) This is completely inconsistent as to the fact that Candice never tried to kill Spaz for the same circumstances in the past year.

Todd has some insider information that says Candice and Stacy Keibler are friends. So, what does Candice think of this whole thing with the trade, and are they still friends? Candice replies that she considers them friends, but she thinks Stacy may have a little animosity toward her, because she was put on “Stacy’s” show while Stacy was “demoted” to SmackDown!. Okay, that was funny. One good burn in a year, whodathunkit?

What about the Whore’s thoughts on moving to RAW? “I’m excited because we can do stuff on cable we can’t do on network. And I want to wrestle Trish Stratus.” I wonder if the WWE is ballsy enough to try more wardrobe malfunctions or outright Kat-like flashes to attract more audiences, and whether that would fly on cable with the FCC. It’d be a hell of a gimmick, even if it was merely a distraction away from the core problems of the company.

Whore and McTitsalot are ready to leave, but before they go, Todd decides to show…

[clip of the carwash SummerSlam thing with Vince McMahon and the Presidential Seal]

Talking Shit (Literally): Back to the studio. During the clip, apparently, the two sluts were cut off, and the BT crew basically (and audibly) implies “fuck it, we were done with them anyway.” Which causes no end of delight for me.

No more guests, so we need a trivia question to waste some time. “Who’s birthday is today?” The hell? “It’s someone important, that’s all we’ll tell you.” Alrighty.

So to kill some time, Todd decides to advertise WWE’s auction site. On sale, right now, is… dramatic pause… Leggy del Taco’s autographed bikini from the carwash at SummerSlam! Current price: $1,002. Todd, upon hearing this, says, “WOO!!! Someone wants to put on that bikini!” As soon as he said that, I could just picture the buyer being a 38-year-old male living in his parents’ basement, and it’s only Stacy’s bikini that’s stopping him from being a serial killer. To him: get a life. And if a girl is actually bidding on it: get a life.

But that’s not all, because Spaz’s autographed bikini is there, as well as Boobies’s bikini. Boobies’s is, in fact, a bargain at a price of $312. Why do I think it’s the same soon-to-be-serial-killer who’s buying them all? Oh, we can’t forget to mention that Generic Playboy Whore’s bikini is there too, going for $727.

Todd, god bless him, completely redeems himself in my eyes. He must know how dumb this whole thing is, because he insists on getting in on the auction action. He declares that he’ll put his boxers that he was wearing during the Christy/Stacy interview bit on the auction site. He asks the BT crew if that would be cool. After a second’s hesitation, someone says, “Sure, if they’re signed, someone will buy them.” Sadly, I think that’s actually true. Todd assures us all that he will sign his underwear, but to the buyer, he warns that there will be a yellow stain in the front and a brown stain in the back, because that’s how he rolls. He deadpans this, and I have to stop my playback and typing for a few seconds while I clean my keyboard of the Mountain Dew I just spat all over it.

Self-depreciating humor: the second-best comedic device when used properly.

[video recap of SummerSlam, the same one we saw three times on RAW]

A Strong Argument for Resigning My WWE Fandom: One thing the BT crew asked at the beginning of the show was for people to call in about their most favorite least favorite moments of SummerSlam 2005, so we’re taking calls on that very subject now.

Caller 1: “Loved Hogan winning, hated Benoit’s match being so short.”

Todd says, eh, shit happens, so let’s go to the next caller. But the BT crew tells Todd to keep his underwear on, because this caller has the trivia answer! Luckily, the caller is still on the phone, and correctly answers the question. Todd: “Good job, we’ll give you a free gift. Probably my underwear, what do you think?” Caller: “Sounds great!” Me: “Ew.”

Okay, that’s out of the way, so let’s get back to the subject at hand. Todd says he loved the Rey Mysterio/Eddie Guerrero match, but hated the ending of the Edge/Matt Hardy match.

Todd: “Okay, new caller. What’s up Greg?”

Caller 2 with a high-pitched voice: “Hi!”

Todd: “You sound like a girl!”

Caller 2: “Hey! I’m a GUY!”

Todd: [laughs at the bastard] “How old are you?”

Caller 2: “I’m… uh… around… uh… 14.”

Okay, so it seems the divas didn’t just lower my IQ. I least I can sleep tonight.

Caller 2: “My favorite moment was the Eddie/Rey match. It was AWESOME TILDE BANG! The ending, when Eddie’s wife pushed over the ladder? That was GREAT!”

Todd: “Yeah, it was great, especially when Dominic got in the ring! It was like a Married With Children episode for awhile there!”

Whoops. Todd, you know you’re not supposed to publicly talk about the WWE’s weaknesses and why their idea of why wrestling appeals to fans is a misconception. Then again, if Greg The Girl thinks it was so great, and he theoretically speaks for the average fan, we’re all in serious trouble.

Greg echoes that he didn’t like the shortness of the Benoit match, and then Todd is done with him. Instead of offering Greg his underwear too, we just move on. (Apparently you get Todd’s underwear if you know a trivia question, or you’re the highest bidder.)

No callers for the moment, so Todd pimps the latest SmackDown! mag, with Eminem on the cover. I mean, MNM on the cover.

Todd: “All right, we’ve got another caller. What’s the word?”

Caller 3: “What?”

Todd: “What’s the word?”

Caller 3: “What’s the what?”

Todd: “We’re in New York, you’re in California, we talk a bit different. Give us your SummerSlam choices.”

See? I’m not the only one who’s off his game tonight thanks to three vapid wastes of oxygen and one Spaz.

Caller 3: “The Hogan match rocked, but the Matt Hardy match sucked. The referee should have let it go on for the fans. Matt wasn’t that hurt.”

Caller 3, you’re an idiot. Love, Pyro.

Caller 4, who is a female: “I’m a huge Randy Orton fan, so I wet my panties that he beat the Taker. I don’t even care that he cheated to win. But I was disappointed with Matt and Edge because Matt should have won.”

Caller 4, you’re an idiot. Love, Pyro.

Todd’s done trying to polish this moldy piece of bread, so we’re finished. Thank god.

Closing Comments: The divas are like Canadian Bulldog’s book: great in theory and maybe they pragmatically fill an empty space in some corner, but not very entertaining to pay attention to for more than two seconds. Letters From A Nut, Ranting From A Bitch, same thing.

Todd, as usual, displays admirable abilities to polish a turd well enough that it might be worth actually looking at. He really is that damn good, and if the WWE has any semblance of sense in their personnel decisions (BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!), they’ll keep Todd on BT until he dies.

Is it worth listening to? Only if you want to have more ammo with which to insult the WWE divas and the WWE’s decisions to toss Gail, Jazz, and Nidia out the door. Well, that and the hilarity coming from Todd’s piehole (aside from that one misstep in the middle). It was pretty short too, a hair under 35 minutes not counting the ending video clip (of RAW’s ending).

I really can’t think of anything else to say, so I’m outta here too. Later on, all!

Trivia Question: Whose birthday is August 24?

Answer: Vince McMahon

 
E-MAIL PYROFALKON

BROWSE THE BYTE THIS RECAP ARCHIVES


  
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
 
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!
 
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
 
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
 
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
 
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
 
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!
 
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
 
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over
 
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
 
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
 
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
 
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: #striketwo
 
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
 
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: You're Welcome
 
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Needs More Kane?
 
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Lady Power
 
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
 
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
 
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
 
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
 
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
 
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: No! No! No!
 
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
 
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
 
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 

 

 


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