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She Speaks!
September 15, 2005

by PyroFalkon
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


Although I’m very aware that Byte This! is not exactly one of WWE’s top shows, I have a fairly strong worth ethic. Having to give up recapping BT for the past few weeks has irritated me, even if I don’t get nearly the readership my fellow columnists do. At least I was able to warn Rick in advance, not that it was going to stop OO in its tracks or anything.
In short, I’ve been too busy last few weeks to recap BT, and I’ve always said that when it comes to OO or something I’m paid for, my BT recap will have to be wait. Add that to the fact that, as usual, the BT archive at WWE.com isn’t working for me, and it means I can’t get anything done. So, apologies all around, and stuff.   

Besides, when it really comes down to it, it’s all Canadian Bulldog’s fault. It’s ALWAYS Bulldog’s fault. He can write his little wrestling promo-style jabs in his crappy column, but he and I both know I’m the better writer. Learn to spell, freak! Now that I’m in the picture, the English language decided she wanted a REAL writer! You’ll never be able to write things like “antidisestablishmentarianism” again!

Intro, Guest Rundown, Media Hype: Let’s see if I still have any semblance of skill in this after being off so long. Todd Grisham is in, which certainly revs my engine, by himself. Ah, but he won’t be by himself long, as he’ll be joined by John Cena! Diva Search Ashley will also be in the studio, albeit later, and we’ll have Jim Ross on the phone eventually. So, um, yay?

Todd of course nominally hypes the upcoming Unforgiven, but quickly gets to Cena’s purpose of our opening Byte This! segment. Okay, apparently the Doctor of Crapanomics has had a WWE.com segment he does every week where he answers five questions from fans. Kurt Angle parodied this, and Johnny no-likey people copying him, so he decided to answer Kurt’s questions on BT, or something. I’ve already been asking “what the fuck” since Todd opened his mouth about this, but whatever, we’re rolling with it.

Cena Is As Cena Does: Fuck the break, we’re going to have Cena on right now! And Cena is… um, not himself. Cena is Bringing The Intensity, and talking in that low, scary voice that he did on Monday for the first half of his eye-rolling skit with Eric Bischoff.

Cena is going to answer all of Kurt’s five questions, so let’s sit down for story time with Uncle Jizz-Ohn. (Whoa, I totally did not intentionally use the word “jizz” there.) Okay, question one: Is Cena ready for the most painful night of his life when Unforgiven rolls around? Cena’s sure ready, he says, because even if he has to be in a wheelchair, he’ll defend his belt on Sunday. Sure, that made sense.

Question 2: How does it feel for Cena to go to his hometown as a failure? The hell? Well, Cena buys time by giving a little sarcastic chuckle, then completely dodges the question. “I come from a town where everyone does what their parents do. So, yeah, I rocked as champion.” I want to put a snarky comment here, but it’s just too much of a bother.

Question 3: What’s going to beat you on Sunday, the Ankle Lock or the Angle Slam? Cena, again, does his sarcastic chuckle and says it’s a tough question. See, neither have beaten him yet, even though he’s “taken more Angle Slams than a waiter at Denny’s.” AHHHHHHHHH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! You see what he did there? You get it? See, Denny’s which is a restaurant, serves these breakfast items called slams! They’re not called “Angle Slams,” but they do have the word “Slam” in the title! So he’s taken a slam a lot, and it’s funny, because a waiter at Denny’s would ALSO “take” a slam a lot too! THAT IS THE MOST FUNNIEST PROMO I’VE EVER DONE HEARD!!!

Question 4: Since you will never beat me, is your future in movies or music? Cena does yet another sarcastic chuckle, and… dodges? Cena, who remember is just like us fans and is so totally street and real, tells us that he is there just to spread the good word of the company. Which is why he’s always following the advice of the corporate general manager, you know. Cena posits that Kurt just has a bug up his ass because Eugene took his gold medals away. OH, CENA DID NOT JUST GO THERE!!!

Question 5: Can a thug ever beat an Olympic gold medalist? Wouldn’t that depend on the event, or am I thinking too hard? Well, I guess it is implied that it will be in the same event that the Olympiad won his medal. Anyway, Cena changes it up by not doing his gay sarcastic chuckle until the end, and just says “We’ll see on Sunday, won’t we?”

And then, Cena leaves, because there’s no more profit to be gained by hanging around Todd. Todd says that he doesn’t know how to describe Cena’s interview, which seems to me like one of those “shoot that’s not really a shoot” comments. But, things are looking up, because Diva Search Ashley is next!

[video package of Ashley’s win and crap… it’s probably been on RAW once or twice, but I always fast-forward through video packages]

Byte This!, or Maxim?: Ashley is in, live in the studio. Todd wants to know what Ashley took away from that video package, but does bring up that she was probably hoping not to fall out of that dental floss that served as her top. Ah, Todd, you’re a pervert, but a classy one.

Ashley says that things are going good for her in the WWE, and sometimes she’s still all atwitter about making it there. She’s never been happier and blah blah blah… I’ll give her this, she sounds honest like Spaz did last year. Is it sad that Ashley has better mic skills than Chris Masters?

Todd needs to give us some more of that subtle self-depreciating humor, so he says that it’s cool that Ashley gets cheered when she comes to the ring. He, after all, has to walk out with Coach, so all he gets are boos. Ashley squeals with laughter here, and I can’t tell if she’s really laughing that hard or forcing it, but either way, it’s annoying. Todd says that this is Byte This!, and he can’t see the fans, so we’ll all just pretend they love him tonight. Ashley replies with, “They love you, Todd,” in the exact same tone as a teenage girl cheerleader will tell the biggest dork in the school, “You’re really sweet for asking me out, but no… But we can still be friends!”

No time to worry about Todd’s self-esteem, because we’ve got a caller! And her name is… Molly? Man, for a brief second, I had this great thought that Molly Holly would pop on and verbally go to town on the Diva Search. But no, it’s just a run-of-the-mill fan who asks Ashley who Ashley was excited to see on RAW. Ashley has no trouble saying that Shawn Michaels wets her panties, but it’s also cool that she met Trish Stratus. Rick, we know… we heard you when you said that you had your secret reasons for liking Ashley.

Todd segues, as he does, to saying that what probably really wet Ashley’s panties was the quarter-million dollar check. What is the first thing Ashley bought with the green, he asks? Ashley, in a very cute and very non-faking innocent tone, says she bought a webcam. She wants to explain the details, but Todd again goes into Classy Pervert mode, and really wants to know more! Ashley giggles (her giggle is very grating… very un-Trish-like), and says that it’s not used for that purpose, you freaks. It’s for her laptop, so she can talk to her friends and family over MSN Messenger and they can see her face.

Todd is not Coach, and does not try to force some perverted comment onto Ashley (because Todd is Classy). So instead, he calls Ashley on her techno-savviness, and mentions that Ashley’s e-mail address is public. Oh yeah, anyone can write her at ashley@wwe.com and be all, “What’s up,” and stuff. Like, that’s totally cool! Ashley wants us to know that she does read them all, and she tries to respond to as many as she can.

Todd declares that this interview is going too happily, so we need some dirt. Ashley, who did you hate in the Diva Search? And before Ashley can answer, Todd has a memory and knows how Spaz answered that question last year, so he says, “And don’t say ‘Oh they were all great and I wish them the best of luck!’ ” Ashley (gratingly) giggles, “Aw, come on, dude, I did get along with everyone!” Though at Todd’s prompting, Ashley says that Leyla did annoy her. Wow, that’s a harsh declaration right there.

We’ve got another caller who wants to know what Ashley’s favorite moment from the Diva Search. Ashley answers, “When I won, duh.” Points for honesty, at least.

What are Ashley’s thoughts on Spaz (a question that, really, kinda came out of left field)? Ashley gushes about how cool Spaz is, and how helpful she was to all the Diva Search Sluts with their costumes and advice and everything. Todd: “And she’s cute.” Ashley: “Yeah, and she’s HOTT!!!”

They go over some of Ashley’s extra-curricular activities since becoming a diva, then segue into the storyline with Ashley and the other divas on RAW. Todd posits that it’s the check Ashley got that’s causing all the jealousy, because Todd himself pisses off the locker room when he tells everyone that he makes a whopping salary. That’s right, yo, Todd gets eight dollars per hour! Todd? You’re on a roll, dude.

But speaking of girls who hate Ashley, what’s up with Victoria? Ashley doesn’t care and is more interested in how cool Trish is, and that they’ll be teaming up on Sunday. Todd the Classy Pervert tells us all that that Trish looked great on Monday. But swerve! He meant she looked good ability-wise. He just hopes there’s no ring rust on her. So does Ashley, who probably doesn’t want to get her breasts popped.

The next question is whether Ashley is tired of looking at herself because she’s everywhere suddenly. Ashley is comfortable in her femininity and says, nah, she’s actually enjoying it all. This leads to a conversation where we find out that Ashley and Todd have the same dressing habits: 1) Find an article of clothing, 2) If it’s clean, wear it, 3) If it’s not clean, spray Febreeze on it, then wear it. That would explain Todd’s dual-stained underpants, no?

Another caller pipes in before we get any nastier, and he wants to know what the best thing about being a diva is. Ashley replies that she’s just tickled pink about being able to be on RAW every week, because it’s cool.

Does Ashley have a specific goal now that she’s on RAW, asks Todd? Ashley: “Yes, I want to be like Trish.” You know, if Ashley is being honest and really wants to train to be a wrestler instead of a Titties McSuperBowl, then more power to her. I’m having those same optimistic feelings for Spaz, actually.

Who did Ashley like growing up, wrestling-wise? Shawn Michaels apparently wet her panties from an early age, and she liked the Rock all right. (Doesn’t that make you feel old when someone implies “I grew up liking the Rock”?) Todd: “Doesn’t Hulkamania run wild in your house?” Ashley: “Um… not really, no.” Me: “BURN!!!”

All right, one more Classy Pervert question from Todd. Does Ashley want and is she willing to be on the cover of Playboy? Ashley pauses for a few seconds thinking, and finally answers “Hell yes!” That sound you just heard was the tightening of pants among 12-to-14-year-old males across the country. My pants will not tighten until Victoria uncovers her marvelous ass, but I digress. (Seriously, am I the only one who’s not physically attracted to Ashley either? Spaz and Victoria, yes; everyone else, ESPECIALLY Trish, please cover up.)

Todd is Mr. Tough Questions, and wants to know if Ashley’s mom would approve. This flusters Ashley, who basically says “Oh no you di’n’t go there!,” then publicly hopes her parents aren’t watching Byte This!. She also then starts giggling in an embarrassed manner, which is way better than her normally obnoxious laugh.

This ends up in an extended dialogue about Ashley’s childhood, how she got into modeling, and that she was a tomboy growing up, all that shit. Todd makes two funny comments; well, one funny, and one unintentionally funny. First, he asks if Ashley was “always attractive, because some people change as time goes, like how some people grow up and get ugly like me.” As always, Todd is at his best when he’s making fun of himself. Then later, Todd is asking about Ashley’s family. Ashley says, “I don’t have any sisters, but I do have a younger brother.” Todd asks, “Is he younger or older?” Ashley replies, “Um… younger.” I suppose Todd’s allowed to slip now and then.

Todd is a smart person though, and publicly admits that this entire interview has now gone to hell and seems like something you’d read in a magazine. All he has to do now is ask Ashley’s favorite movie! And Ashley, naturally, complies, as she shares that Forest Gump is her favorite move ever. EVER!!!

Ashley thanks the fans yet one more time for voting her in, and stuff. BOO!!! And Todd wants to be a brat, and says that if Ashley really wants to thank the fans, she should send everyone who voted for her a dollar, because there must have been around 250,000 fans who did. Ashley politely giggles, but basically ignores Todd. Heh. She’s out, and we’re off to a video break.

[Unforgiven hype video]

Not Even Sauce This Time: JR was at a press conference about Unforgiven, so he boringly goes over that. He goes on to say that Matt Hardy and Edge will probably steal the show because it’s in a cage, but gives general hype about the rest of the matches. Todd asks Ross about Masters, and how “we’ll finally get to see how good of a wrestler Chris Masters is,” a comment that delights me to no end. Ross replies that it’s not a make-or-break match because he is against HBK, which is scary and bad. JR also says that Masters has been doing well for a young kid. No comment.

Kerwin White is a dick for renouncing his heritage, blah blah blah, Shelton is still not to his fullest potential, blah blah blah, I love wrestling still and it’s great the Ross Report is back, blah blah blah, USA is better for WWE than Spike, blah blah blah.

The rest of the interview concerns NCAA football crap because of how devoted JR is to the Sooners. And you know me, I don’t put football crap in my reGoSteelers!caps.

Closing Comments: Kelly asked me how she thought my show went, and I said it was pretty good. She asked why, and I said, “Well, Cena was weak… and Ross was boring… and Ashley wasn’t that great. Huh. I guess it actually sucked.”

At best, this was a below-average show. Except for Todd, who of course was bringing personality when no one else would. But what else is new, eh?

I’ll be back for Team Coverage on Friday and our stat updates on Monday, but heaven knows when I’ll be able to do another BT recap. I hope it’s next week, but who knows

Till then, yo. 



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