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The Only Way Byte This Can Ever
Claim a "Big Show"
October 20, 2005

by PyroFalkon
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


Sports fans, for the most part, annoy me. No wait, let me say this: people annoy me. I don’t want to be all preachy, but life is way too short to be flipping out about things as unimportant as wrestling and professional athletes.
I’m not saying that it’s wrong to be excited, or that it’s wrong to be upset over certain decisions that get made. (Oh, Gail Kim, you could be doing much better if Vince and Ace had some sort of clue how valuable the women’s division really is.) But between the way some people reacted to the umpire “controversy” last 

week, and the second-guessing of the Giants’ coach this week, I’m just seeing that we’re taking games more and more seriously. It’s a hundred times worse in pee wee games… just lighten up people, that’s all.

Intro, Guest Rundown, Media Hype: Big Show is going to be the sole guest tonight, and Todd admits that he’s there pretty much only to hype Taboo Tuesday. Todd make a crack that he’ll be hosting the press conference for TT on the 24th, assuming he isn’t fired by then. I assume he’s referring to the storyline of JR there, but knowing Vince, it wouldn’t surprise me if Todd gets tossed, since he’s pretty much the only good announcer they have aside from Tazz.

Anyway, he goes on to hype the press conference, as if anyone cares. Now, he wants to set a record on tonight’s show to break the record for most callers, and we’re already got one. We’re going to Jonathan from Kansas.

But swerve! It’s not just any “Jonathan” who’s on the line, it’s Jonathan Coachman! And the Coach is screaming into his phone, which is making my audio clip, which is pissing me off already. It’s going to be one of those shows today.

Coach blathers about how he’s going to be hitting the gym soon since he’s so totally going to beat Austin, and that he’s not the new voice of RAW, he’s the new voice “of the people.” If someone knows why that made any sense, please e-mail me.

The rest of this so-totally impromptu interview is cliché-filled and uninteresting, aside from Todd’s astute observation that Coach will probably try to cheat, to which Coach admits he will, which pretty much makes Coach’s entire “I’m going to beat Austin because I’m so good” a lie. And that was one giant run-on sentence.

With the thesis done, Todd yells that Byte This! is his show, and he orders Lou The Producer to cut the line. Which Lou does. That sigh you hear is Todd’s post-coital cool-down, but I think if I had the chance to shut Coach up at will, I’d wet my pants too.

[vid break: RAW Mag hype]

Huh, that was fast. What, a 10-second commercial, if that? Ah well.

It Takes Two Giants to Turn This Into a Good Interview: Big Show is on, and we’re starting this interview slowly. He puts himself over, but not in the annoying Coach-like way, just a very low-key and natural way. Basically he says that since the fans are in control, he’s just glad that the fans will have what they want for this match, and no one knows what the fans more than the fans themselves (hear that, Vince?). He makes his case to be voted, but not really with any intensity. I can’t tell if he’s trying to be a Batista-like character, or if he’s honest, or if he just doesn’t give enough of a fuck for Byte This! to bring any sort of intensity.

A caller comes on, who asks how Show felt about being drafted to RAW. Show answer that it was kinda crappy at first because he had to give up the friends he made on SD, but it’s okay now, blah blah, and more blah.

So Todd moves on to asking BS about his appearance on the Conan O’Brien show last week. BS puts it and Conan over, but lets a clip speak for itself.

Next caller on, and he asks who BS would like to face if he wins the belt at TT. Show thinks about it, but bails and says “I’ll take on anyone who wants it,” although he does give a little love to Shawn and a minor challenge to Triple H.

There’s a hell of a lot more blathering before Todd gets to the chatroom, where people are asking if BS regrets not being able to face Andre the Giant in a match. Show obviously says he does regret it… that would make a decent midcard match on a Wrestlemania, wouldn’t it?

Well, Andre is a subject that Show likes, because for the first time tonight, Show’s words get a little life. He says that he and Andre shared several tastes, such as their like of cribbage and wine (although Show says he doesn’t drink as much wine as Andre did). Show also says that the Undertaker is the “godfather of the locker room,” and the Undertaker has said before how cool and respected Andre was. Andre was the first to arrive and the last to leave, always having great work ethic and all that.

BS says that he’s had a great career himself, meeting and facing the greats like Hogan and Savage, but he still wishes he could have at least met Andre, and possibly had a match with him.

We got another caller on to kill any momentum. But wait, he actually asks an unusual, potentially funny question: what was BS’s first job ever? Show replies that the first job ever that he got a paycheck for was a plumbing and heating company in South Carolina; he was basically the plumber’s assistant who carried around the tools and all that.

Todd manages to segue that into Iraq, and Show naturally puts over his trips over there, and the military itself. Nothing surprising or new is said, which is not to be taken as an insult. Actually, BS sounds more natural praising the military than he has otherwise tonight, but it’s still nothing worth repeating.

Well, I take that back, because after vanilla stories, he gets to one that actually has some interest. He says that WWE visited twelve or so bases in three days. One of the bases they were at actually took mortar fire while they were there. Show hadn’t eaten breakfast while this was going on, and the wrestlers were in the mess hall. Most of them dove under their tables while the troops left to defend the base. BS saw a rack of cereal boxes at against the wall, and while everyone else was panicking, he went and made himself a bowl of cereal. People thought that was weird, but he said he didn’t think hiding (or trying to hide) under a picnic table would help him, so he might as well get a meal and “go out in style.”

Another caller in, who asks what his dream match is with a current WWE superstar. Show says he would love to have a ladder match with HBK, but that won’t be happening since no 500-pound guy is going to be on a ladder. Instead, he doesn’t really care who he does wrestler, but he wants to be in the main event of Wrestlemania.

Todd plays Word Association, because he needs to fill time. He brings up Ultimate Warrior, but BS has no comment at all. Todd says this is surprising, as JBL bashed him a couple weeks ago. BS says, “Well, that’s JBL, and he’s got an opinion on everything. I’m not into bashing people, it’s just not my thing.” Shoot? Or work?

That’s pretty much it, and Show’s on his way out, although they digress when Show asks if the two losers of the voting for Taboo Tuesday get something like last year. Todd says that he’s not sure, but there is talk that the two losers of the votes will be placed in a match for the tag belts. Show laughs at this, then goes through the three possible combinations (him and Kane, him and HBK, or HBK and Kane) and says any combination will result in new tag champs, so Murdoch and Cade better watch out.

[vid break: SmackDown! Rebound]

Ending Noise: Todd hypes SmackDown!, then takes a call. The caller asks what Todd’s favorite Taboo Tuesday moment was, and what match he’s looking forward too this year. Todd replies that his favorite memory was seeing Coach stripping down and putting on the dress last year. This somehow gives Todd the motivation to relate a story about Coach, saying that Coach used to wear briefs, and Todd told him that this is the year 2004 (at the time), and men wear either boxers or boxer-briefs. Three days before Taboo Tuesday, Coach switched to boxer-briefs. Coach had no idea he was going to be stripping and putting on the dress in front of national television, and Todd blames himself that Coach only looked half as ridiculous as he could have.

Oh, and Todd is looking more to Flair’s match with Trips more than any other. And with that, and a little more Taboo Tuesday hype, Byte This! is done.

Closing Comments: Another, to use Rick’s phrase, quality-free edition of Byte This!. Two good moments from Show and one semi-decent moment from Todd, but that was it. Todd was strong enough to keep the show from sucking, as he always does, but it still wasn’t that great. It was nearly as boring as Canadian Bulldogs book, if you can believe it. Man, he sucks.



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