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Insert Allegedly Funny Headline Here
October 27, 2005

by PyroFalkon
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


So Iím sitting here in the Wetlands, working on my fishing skill. Itís only up to 65, which is way below Zaneís, so I need to catch up. I suppose itís not helping that Iím not gaining from any of my casts, probably because the area is too high-level for me, so Iím content on wasting my time here for a few minutes.
No PKs todayÖ at least, none that I couldnít handle. Very odd. Normally a level 22 hunter is the first thing to be targeted when a priest isnít in the area. Damn Horde; the only thing theyíre good for is a discounted ticket to the afterlife. Is it REALLY necessary to attack something that you can one-hit kill?

Oh crap, itís eight oíclock already? Man, I only gained a couple thousand XP, too. Stupid, stupid recapping. Oh well, the Alliance will have to deal without me for a couple hours.

Intro: We open the show on a giant pair of breasts. Well, the cleavage of a giant pair of breasts. The camera zooms out to reveal the nurse from the allegedly awful 15-minute skit this last Monday, who Ortonly asks, ďDurr, why is the red light on?Ē Todd Grisham pops up, with an unbuttoned shirt, and proceeds to say ďOh, donít be silly, the show isnít starting yetÖ Wait, what? Oh crap! Roll the opening video!Ē

Dear Christ, itís going to be one of those episodes.

[Defending my honor tangent: Up there, when I said the skit from Monday was ďallegedlyĒ awful? Donít worry Rick, Iím not one of those part-of-the-problem fucktards. Rather, as soon as I saw Vince call himself Dr. Heinie, I fast-forwarded the DVR about as quickly as you would if someone forced you to watch the Bass Pro Shops MBNA 500. And Rick? You donít pay me enough for this. Love, Pyro.]

Guest Rundown, Media Hype: Todd is buttoning up his shirt as he introduces himself, declares the nurse (who I refuse to call by the name WWE wants me to) to be the special guest. Then, he runs down all his groin-related injuries that she was examining. Todd? You suck, and I hate you now. Please either remove yourself from existence, or give everyone who talked you into doing this a knife stab in the left ventricle.

Todd decides to answer my pleas by saying that heíll be asking the nurse PENENTRATING questions, and heíll keep us ABREAST of whatís going on, but until then heíll be sitting ERECT in his chair. Because, you know, thatís funny. Allegedly.

Weíre also going to have JBL on the phone. Great. One bitch and one whore. I hate Byte This!.

Todd gets around to recapping RAW, which he puts over as if itís a 1998 episode, and verbally fellates Shawn Michaels. Then we go to a clip of the storyline linking RAW and SmackDown!, and I donít recap recaps. Todd comes back and tells us that the nurse is still not there because she was a little MUFFED, but itís all good, because we got JBL on.

Why Am I Wasting My Time?: JBL starts off by taking credit for shutting down ECWís doors, and single-handedly defending WWE from WCWís invasion. Also, WCW wouldnít have gone bankrupt if JBL was part of them.

This speech is entertaining me already, but Iíll tell you why. I think itís the same idea as the way gas prices are now. Ten years ago, $2.23/gallon would have been unimaginable. But now, weíre happy to have it because we experienced $2.95/gallon. Iím happy to have JBL after dealing with the four-minute opening of this show. Thatís not a compliment to anyone.

Anyway, blah blah blah, Shawn Michaels sucks and I rock, blah blah blah, I like screwing with Edge, blah blah blah. We get a clip of the whole JBL skit from RAW, and then weíre back to JBL who continues to spew more shit about hating RAW more than hating Rey Mysterio.

JBL says that he needed a translator to speak with Rey, because Rey doesnít speak a word of English. And speaking of translators, Chris Masters needs one, or he needs to get the marbles out of his mouth, because he is a hairless orangutan. Letís seeÖ has a clueless smile, poses to cues, stumbles around like he has no equilibrium, frequently makes random noises indiscernible to humansÖ yeah, thatís a damn good observation. Okay, JBL gets one point.

The rest of the interview? Crap. Iím seriousÖ did you ever see that episode of South Park where Cartman teaches everyone to shove food up their asses so they shit out their mouths? This was the real-life audible version of that, except instead of food being shoved up their asses, itís bad writing and direction. Or, in John Cenaís case, a NASCAR gearshift.

JBL ends this interview by saying that heís got a HUGE announcement next month that will prove heís the king of media. If this means heís going to be in a movie, I will burn my Wrestling Fan Card, because you just know theyíre going to waste valuable RAW and SmackDown! time to hype the shit out of it.

So heís off, and Todd declares that the nurse will be on soon. Then, to remind everyone who the fuck she is, THEY REPLAY THE GODDAMN FUCKING SEGMENT FROM RAW. And Christ, this is just as bad (if not worse) than I imagined. Woe be to the fans who had to see this liveÖ UhgÖ I am forced to listen to it, but I am keeping my browser minimized since I donít have to see it.

Nurse: The nurse is in, says sheís been since Saturday. Todd declares that sheís putting the nurse dress up for auction, but sheís too stupid to realize there are cameras, and begins to asininely unbutton it.

I Hate Byte This!: You know what? Fuck this. I really mean that. Fuck. This. Right in the nostril. Iím not recapping this shit. Iím done. Rick, I hope to god your headline will be clever, because that will be the only reason people will need to know this episode existed.


Sigh. Damn my work ethic. I wonít be able to sleep tonight if I do this half-assed.

Nurse, Take Two: I just noticed she has an accent. Itís Swedish or something. Allegedly sexy. Or something. So Todd tells her that she canít take off the dress in front of the camera, so she walks away stage left. Todd swivels in his chair to face that general direction. He sits there stupidly as the sound of moving cloth is heard. And then the dress comes flying in and hits Todd in the face while heís sitting in the exact same position. Weíve all seen this comedic shtick before, and it was only the first time, and in a cartoon, because real guys do not act like that outside strip clubs. Hell, probably most guys donít even act like that in strip clubs.

Todd sniffs the nurseís dress. Then looks at the camera. Then sniffs it again and names the perfume. Then he reminds us itís up for auction, and another article of clothing comes flying in from the left. This is AFTER the nurse has already left the studio, mind you. Todd gets an erection and wonders aloud if itís underwear. He disappears below the camera as he looks for it. He comes up with it, shows it to the camera, and says ďItís the hat! Close enough!Ē Weíre going to break, because Todd needs lessons about the female anatomy.

[break: hype video showing the Flair/Triple H storyline]

Drozís 46 Cents: Can we drop the whole nurse thing? Of course not, because as Droz comes on the line, Todd feels he must re-hype her. Drozís response? Silence. Fucking hilarious. Todd must cover, and heís a quick thinker, so he simply says ďYeah, Iím speechless too.Ē Todd Grisham is now in my prayer circle, hoping he gets the fuck out of this shit and onto something that is actually worthy of his talent. Seriously, if this was being hosted by Marc Loyd or Josh Mathews, I really would have just quit in the middle of the episode.

All right, Todd doesnít want to hear Drozís picks for Taboo Tuesday, he wants to hear who Droz will vote for. And now that weíre back on topic, itís like Toddís good personality returns. I really donít know how acting like an 12-year-old male doped up on speed, heroine, and caffeine could come so naturally for him, but he really should be in Los Angeles, not Stamford.

Where the fuck was I? Oh, Droz says heíll vote for HBK in the main event, and the cheerleading outfit for the divas. We get a caller, who wants to see Mick Foley become Dude Love, but Droz wants to see Mankind. Droz continues on to say that the Steel Cage is best match for Trips and Flair (and that ďeveryone will vote for it,Ē not that WWE is trying to hedge its bets or anything). Also, he wants to see Austin and Coach in a street fight, but I guess that went without saying.

Yawn. Another caller on, and his question is gay, so weíre skipping it. Droz wants to see Masters and Edge face Matt Hardy and Hardcore Holly. Why the FUCK does he want to see that?

Third caller on, and his question is gay too, so screw it. And then Droz leaves.

[break: hype video showing the Austin/Coach/McMahon storyline]

Ending Hype: Whatever.

Iím done.



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