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Oh Mickie, You're So Fine...
November 3, 2005

by PyroFalkon
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


Damnit. Really, just… fucking damnit all to hell. You know what’s been going on without my knowledge? The triumphant return of The Office to NBC. I was looking through my DVR guide yesterday (the 21st-Century equivalent of channel surfing), and I saw it. A new episode! Who the hell knows how long it’s been since the season started, because I was a moron and didn’t, you know, pay attention to a network that pretends like it belongs with ABC, CBS, and FOX.
Now, I feel Rick when he says that it’s silly to buy DVDs of shows that are still on the air. (I love Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, but really, there’s like 10 shows a week on Nick at Nite, so why the fuck would I spend $30 per season on DVDs?) The Office is so new that it’s not in syndication yet (this is only its second season, and only its first full season), but no one shows reruns, and I loves me my Steve Carell.   

This is a relief, because I was reading some nasty rumors that viewers’ opinions of the show were bad. This is because a lot of people suck at looking for good-quality television, and would rather be entertained by drowning in a sea of mediocrity. I’d say this is an American culture thing, but Canada is just as bad. Or at least Canadian Bulldog is, with his shitty Inside the Ring nonsense every week.

I fucking swear, trying to get through one of his columns is like trying to get through sex with your brother… Yes, there may be points where you smile, but you just want to get it over with as quickly as possible and you wonder what compelled you to do it in the first place. Plus, there’s a lot of crying afterwards.

But enough of unfunny people. We’re going to hook up with Todd Grisham, who has hopefully left his retardedness with last week’s episode and returns to form here.

Intro, Guest Rundown, Media Hype: New studio, with a table and monitors and new graphics and everything. Good to see that WWE is spending its money on useful things like cosmetic upgrades to its Internet D-show instead of something worthless like getting the Dudley Boyz back. Really, who cares about them?

We’re going to have Roddy Piper and Mickie James tonight, which probably means the show won’t blow nearly as much as last weak. Fucking nurse, and fucking moron that bought her dress and hat in WWE Auction.

We take a caller who thought it really was worth paying 35 bucks to see Taboo Tuesday, and his phone call blows, so screw it. And… we’re taking a break already?

[break: Uh… this video was a general WWE hype vid. Weird.]

Piper Is the Pits: I guess from now on, when we get guests, we hear his music when he gets on the phone. Pointless, but whatever. It’s a nifty little touch.

He’s there apparently to hype the new WWE Wrestlemania Anthologies DVD set, and he shares a totally uninteresting story about his presence in Wrestlemania 1. He also gives himself the most credit (at least on the wrestling front) for the success of that show. He says the legacy of Wrestlemania started about 50/50 between him and Hogan.

A caller asks if Piper will stay on SmackDown!, to which Piper says he’ll at least be on the next SD, and he’ll try to be on Survivor Series too.

Blathering about Bob Orton, then another caller comes in who asks who was Piper’s favorite wrestler on Piper’s Pit. After another uninteresting story, he answers Frank [Last Name].

More blathering about other current superstars, and he calls this the best-behaved and classiest generation of wrestlers on any promotion ever in the history of time.

Next caller asks how many bones Piper has broken, and which injury was the worst. Piper tries to deep about how “the worst injuries are the ones that damage your heart and feelings and emotions,” but I’m not buying it. This sounds like crap that Hogan would say in the 80s right next to prayers and vitamins.

The rest of this interview is boring, and Piper leaves, although he does so to his music. Todd tries a Scottish accent as we go to break, although is sounds like an Irishman sucked in some helium.

[break: Buy the Divas book, damnit!]

Mickie James Rocks: That was a fast break, and we’ve got Mickie James on. Her music doesn’t suck… I mean, it’s boring, but rather fitting. She is oozing as much spunk as Spaz, and she begins by verbally diving on Trish’s muff. She is speaking as if she’s a fan more than anything, which is a compliment, because it’s working for her.

A caller bothers us to ask who Mickie would want to wrestle for the Women’s Championship belt. Mickie says that she would love to face Trish, but would be completely speechless and overwhelmed if she could face her.

This leads to boring chatting about the Halloween Costume contest on RAW, which we’ll skip. Mickie goes on to put over how great being a WWE diva is, but she uses the plainest vanilla comments in the ice cream tub to describe it. Yawn.

The next caller sucks, but the caller after him asks about whether Mickie liked wrestling when she was growing up and who her inspirations were. She has a cool answer, crediting her dad and brother for getting her into it when she was a kid. Plus, she says that she was so into it, she would jump off her couch with an elbow drop whenever they went to commercial. That’s cute, and she is my number 2 favorite active diva now. So, yay for her!

At this point, I started having massive Internet failures, but I gather she said that she has ferrets as pets, followed by her leaving. Well, she can talk… that puts her over Maria, Candace, and Orton. Yay Mickie!

[break: WWE 24/7 commercial]

Ending Noise: Todd touches on that Christian left WWE, and gives a statement supposedly delivered by Christian. If Christian did write that himself, he was about as vague as possible, and knows how to give a corporate answer.

Todd also touches on Torrie Wilson. Internet rumors or something said that she was fired, but she’s not, and she too has a statement about it. She (again, assuming she actually did write this) apologizes for missing RAW and Taboo Tuesday, and will back soon, and “will make it up to the fans somehow.” According to Todd, she even called Titan Towers and asked someone “Hey, did you forget to inform me that you fired me?” Something tells me that’s not a made-up story. So, yay for the fans who like blond, fake, anorexic women, I guess.

Todd blathers with callers for the next God knows how long, and my Internet connection is really going to hell here. It doesn’t sound like anything intriguing is going on other than Todd telling some jackoff that his favorite wrestler of all time is Viscera, and soon after that the show is over.

Closing Comments: Okay, I appreciate that Byte This! does have a cool set, and that they’re taking more phone calls from fans. Todd seems like the type of guy who doesn’t mind hanging out and shooting the shit with fans, almost like he’s a fan himself. Wow, someone within the company who actually gives a rat’s ass about the product, who would have guessed?

This show didn’t outright suck and make me want to drink a fifth of cyanide like last week, but it wasn’t very good either. Mickie James seriously talks the talk, and so far has walked the walk. If Christian hadn’t up and left, I’d almost think that the WWE Talent Relations Department actually did something intelligent. Then I’d remember RAW, and I’d kick my own ass.

Catch you all next week.



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