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The (Phone) Bank is Open
December 8, 2005

by PyroFalkon
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


I always try to write something new for my introductions for these recaps, which is why I’m always sure to catch up to Rick’s news before doing the recap. I hate being repetitive.
Well, I was going to tell you all about how I’m shifting my sleeping hours, but I wondered if I had already talked about it, so I went back and looked at a few of my recent recaps. I ended up being surprised at this one from a couple weeks ago, when Matt Hardy and Diva Search Ashley were in the studio. In that one, I actually didn’t write an introduction at 

all.... I must have been feeling uncreative that day.

Anyway, I reread that recap for my own amusement, and I realized that an angle introduced in that episode was never followed up. In that episode, Tazz and Michael Cole crash the Byte This! studio, and Cole pretty much says that he WILL BE HEARD and that SmackDown! WILL GET A VOICE. ESPECIALLY on WWE.com. So there.

Now, I don’t watch SmackDown!, but have they followed up on that at ALL? Not that continuity has ever been a strong suit of the WWE, but still… I mean, I know that nobody (especially me) cares about Announcer Drama, but I still hate seeing WWE introduce a storyline and then not saying word one about it. Jerks.

Sigh… my life is so boring. Here I am, my most exciting news is that I think too much about WWE storylines and I’m switching from third shift to first shift. My best friend has a MUCH more interesting story, which you can read here. Really, it’s the kind of stuff that you CAN’T make up.

Intro, Guest Rundown: Normally when you start a video from the archive, WWE.com insisted on showing you a commercial before getting you to your video. Now, they seem to just run that “WWE Timeline” introduction that’s at the front of all their broadcasts. This is much better.

We open the show with Todd welcoming us to Byte This! whilst giving us the Ultimate Pose Of Douchebaggery. (To Rick: Sorry, had to steal that one.) I think we know who one of our guests is going to be. Of course, I knew who it would be because they say on the site who they are before you click the link to the show, but I have a gimmick here, people.

As Todd releases the UPOD, he declares that he has a better body than Randy Orton. He also has the phone bank, which means he is in charge of playing with the phone calls. Just like me on my weekly Internet radio show on the No Holds Barred network, Mondays at 8 to 10 PM Eastern Standard (fuck you Dogga). Not that I’d plug myself or anything. In addition to Orton, we’ll also have Michael P.S. Hayes.

Todd glosses over the fact that the WWE stars are looking for bin Laden, and that when Byte This! goes off the air, you can watch Rita Cosby’s thing on MSNBC. Stealing the thought out of my head, he goes on to say “Of course, if you’re watching this from the archive, you can’t because it’s not on the air.” Same the recap, although the second part of her show will be on Thursday.

Todd moves onto a RAW recap, and I don’t recap recaps. And to help him recap, he’s going to the phone lines, to play with his new buttons! So he presses a button and asks, “Caller, are you there?” And on answers. Typical Byte This!.

But wait, the crew tells him to try a different line. And it works! The caller immediately wants to speak to Randy Orton. He’s not too intelligent asking for a guest within two minutes of the show opening, but I guess the intelligent fans aren’t wanting to speak with Randy Orton at all. The caller is going to be at the Duncan Donuts Arena or whatever for New Year’s Revolution, and he’s too gutless to call a winner in the Hell in a Cell match.

With that waste of time done, Todd keeps on recapping RAW. And we get a video montage of it too.

[break: Video recap of RAW, duh. Of note, they basically put a “highlight package” together of the trial, set to People’s Court music (complete with the teletype sound effect and font when “Defendant: Eric Bischoff” comes up). The whole thing? Just as funny the second time. And no Masters, too!]

Stuff That’s Irrelevant: Todd is really selling the whole “Bischoff is fired” thing, even to the point of using the corporate “I wish Eric all the best in his future endeavors.” That really dry cleans my sweater.

Todd takes a caller, who is happy that Eric is gone, and declares that Todd should run for General Manager because he is sexy. Yeah, because your ability to lead and have wrestling IQ should obviously not be a factor in becoming an authority figure. Hell, let’s get Alex Rodriguez to take Bud Selig’s place while we’re at it.

And Todd, Allah bless him, manages to assuage both me and the caller. He says, “Well, I’d argue with you if I could, but it’s all true,” but then goes on to say that being GM takes brains, not body. Because he’s from Alabama, he says, he doesn’t have so much of that.

Todd signs her off, then says, “I love being in charge of the phones! It’s like Taboo Tuesday, and I’m Wizard of Oz doing the puppet thing.” I really would like to visit the world Todd’s brain currently occupies, but I don’t think I would want to live there.

Todd hypes Velocity, Heat, WWE Shop, WWE Fantasy, and other fringe shit that I’m not going to get into. Another caller is in, and he and Todd chat for a second about the Royal Rumble. Once that mind-numbing call is done with, they hit the Ultimate Theme Of Douchebaggery, and we go to break.

[break: Montage of the recent “spooky” shit the Undertaker is doing… Wow, that IS gay. Also an advertisement for the Wrestlemania Anthology DVD set. And a WWE 24/7 ad.]

Not Worth Your Time: They fired up the UTOD again, and we get to see Young Randall hitting the UPOD in the bottom-right corner. It’s a twin attack of Douchebaggery!

Orton is in character, and says nothing of import as he tries to convey Fear and Indecision as he talks about the Taker. Orton is putting me to sleep, and if I tried to recap this verbatim, I would fall asleep. Main thesis: Hell in the Cell is unfair and bad, and poor Randall doesn’t want to risk his career in one.

Damnit. The last time Orton was on, he was relaxed and out of character, and he was DRIPPING with charisma. Now? He sucks. Bad.

Caller on, who is taking wrestling WAY too seriously, and asks what “Randy was thinking to get involved in a Hell in the Cell match since it’s Undertaker’s domain and his playground.” Orton goes heel on us, saying that the caller doesn’t know the business, even though he’s probably one of those Internet fans who read dirt sheets and think they know everything. Because he’s Randy Fucking Orton, damnit! YEAH!!!


Another caller on, who asks how Orton will prepare for the match, and how it felt to win the Survivor Series match. Orton says that the latter kicked ass since he was able to beat Shawn Michaels, but he won because his mind was clear of the Taker, and he’s a whole different person now. Orton ignores the first part of the question.

He goes to talk about how he’s not getting much sleep because he’s thinking about all the Hell in a Cell matches, and so on. All this is really boring, and I’m not going to waste my time recapping it.

Third caller on, who asks why Orton is trying to beat the Taker. Orton: “Because I’m the legend killer.” Good answer.

Fourth caller on, who asks what legend is Orton aiming for if he manages to actually beat the Taker? Orton, of course, lightly insults the caller for daring to question whether Orton will win, but then says that Batista, while not a legend, is probably next on the list. This leads to Orton cutting a promo on Batista.

Orton’s out to his music, and that was one of the lamest interviews ever. Todd hilariously says that we may be a few weeks from the permanent, eternal decimation of the Undertaker.

[break: clips of the Cutting Edge segment from RAW]

This Bird Doesn’t Deserve To Be Free: Hayes is on the line, and he gives us his own RAW recap. It’s cool and intense, but it’s nothing new nor unexpected.

Caller on, who asks if Hayes is going to do anything about Edge next Monday. He replies that while he has no plans to assault Edge or continue with him in any way, he also won’t stand idle if Edge continues to be a prick.

Todd asks him who should be the next general manager, and the question is basically glossed over.

Todd asks Hayes about the tag team division, and Hayes calls it terrible. I thought they were going down a totally different path than they did, as Hayes calls to question the state of the tag teams even OUTSIDE the ring. He says all the young guys do is clock in and clock out, that most tag teams don’t even travel or ride together, and are only teams when they are actually competing. He makes no mention of the fact that Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch split after only, what, four matches? Although I’d like to ask him about it.

Second caller on, who asks what Hayes’s favorite part of his career was. Hayes replies, “Generally the part where I end up at the bar after the show.” Meh, almost mildly funny. Hayes gives this a non-answer, basically citing his resume and how each part has its own positives.

To wrap it up, Todd asks him a two-part question that was in the chat room. One, does Hayes think that Edge has the talent to be world champion? And two, with the much-publicized affair he had with Lita, does he deserve to even represent WWE? Hayes says that while Edge definitely has the physical presence, he may not have the mental toughness. And as a personal note, he says that, if he was Edge, he’d not want his whole career to be defined as “I screwed my ex-best friend’s chick while he was rehabbing.” Ouch.

Michael Hayes is out. We’ve got 15 minutes left, and Todd says we’re going to play Rapid Fire once we’re back.

[break: Ad for Bret Hart’s DVD. God I love that music. Also there’s an ad for the new SmackDown! magazine, which features Spaz as one of the cover girls. Proof that, like with the other divas who have been canned, this release probably came out of nowhere.]

Rapid Fire: We have a trivia question: Who did Randy Orton beat to win his first intercontinental title? The winner will get a Bret Hart DVD. Sure, that makes sense.

Caller 1: Incorrectly guesses Chris Benoit, and pushes for Todd for GM of RAW.

Caller 2: Correctly guesses Rob Van Dam, correctly guesses “Armageddon 2003” to the follow-up question of “Where did that match happen?”

Caller 3: Wants to see Austin as the new GM, and says “Fuck yeah, that would be cool!” The BT crew earlier bleeped a caller from saying “jackass,” but does not bleep Michael Hayes from saying “chickenshit” or this caller from saying “fuck.”

Caller 4: Asks if Todd wants to enter the Royal Rumble for 2006, like Coach did in 2005. Todd says that Coach took the beating like a man, including not crying later in the shower. This prompts the BT crew to ask why Todd was looking at Coach in the shower. Todd laughs that off, and says that he worked with Ivory for a year, and that’s enough of a beating for him.

Caller 5: Asks who Todd calls to win in the Hell in a Cell match; Todd calls for the Undertaker.

Caller 6: Asks who will win the WWE championship from John Cena; Todd calls for Kurt Angle mostly. Todd also says that “we may be seeing a new John Cena.” Hmm…

Todd stops taking calls for a second to plug SmackDown!, then he goes back to it.

Caller 7: Asks if TNA will ever compete with WWE. Todd’s answer matches the basic concept of everything Rick’s been trying to tell you when he mentions the inherent problems of TNA, so I’ll just transcribe what Todd said, minus his incidental phrases (such as “I mean”)…

“Well, I’ve seen it. It’s good! In the ring, they’re great… But sometimes, wrestling just doesn’t get it done. You’ve gotta have the complete package. You’ve seen over the years, there’s been a lot of great guys who are fantastic wrestlers in the ring, but then you hand them a microphone, and they turn into Corky. So we’ll just have to wait and see. They have some good wrestlers, some former WWE athletes are over there, so um… I don’t know. But, they’re never going to be able to touch WWE anytime soon. Our ratings are huge, their ratings are miniscule, but it’s nice to have competition.”

Nicely worded, and probably enough of a reason for him to be fired tomorrow. He also adds that right now, Byte This! is the premier WWE webcast show, and after being ridden a few weeks ago by the SmackDown! announce team, maybe we’ll get a competing webcast to rival Byte This!.

Okay, first of all? I guess I should have voiced my displeasure at them earlier for not following up that thread. Second, while I have the will and stamina to do a second weekly recap, I think someone would get choked out by a very thin wire before too long… probably Canadian Bulldog, since no one would miss him anyway.

Caller 8: Simply says that Mick Foley should be the GM of RAW.

Caller 9: Gets his accent made fun of by Todd, but is too stupid to realize it. The caller basically comments on Bobby Lashley (who, according to Todd, is just going by “Lashley” now). Notably, the caller says that if Lashley can find a good character, he will be the next champion behind Batista. That doesn’t make much sense.

Todd is done with the phones, and makes me like more as always by giving himself a little self-depreciating humor. He says that he loves the power of having the phone box, because he doesn’t have any friends, so answering all the phone calls makes him feel like people like him. He then orders Some Guy to play the Byte This! theme music, which Some Guy does. Todd then laughs, and says like he feels like God for having all the power in the show. Good to see Todd so easily entertained.

Todd is signing off, sharing that one chat room person wants him to pose for Playgirl, and that his armpits are sweaty. That’s as good of a sign-off line as any, I suppose. BT fades out as Todd hits the Reverse Ultimate Pose of Douchebaggery.

Closing Comments: Decent episode, but only because of the second half. Orton’s interview and the first half of Hayes’s left much to be desired. The rest made up for it, so it gets a resounding “gloriously average” rating from me.

Also? Typing “douchebaggery” is the most fun I’ve had since typing “Snitsky.”

I’m out, yo. 



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PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28




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