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Boobies and Vinnie, Sitting in a Tree...
December 23, 2005

by PyroFalkon
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


Only a few more days until Christmas, and there’s a bizarre situation in my house. Specifically: everything’s ready. The tree is up, the ornaments are hung, we’ve got light up outside the house to blind anyone coming around the curve… It’s a Christmas miracle that everything is running smooth. We’ll probably end up blowing a fuse on Sunday when everyone comes over for dinner, but that’s the fun!
Also fun: burning Canadian Bulldog’s book. But I digress.

This very well may be the last Byte This! of this year, although of course WE don’t get too much time off. Rick is planning our year-end stuff, so in addition to my two-hours-per-week doing this column, I’ll have to start in on that soon too. It never ends   

Intro, Guest Rundown: Todd Grisham is in the house, and he’ll be joined by Chris Benoit and Candice Michelle. He touches on Ted Dibiase’s collapse, but doesn’t say any more than what you already read here at OO. Showing that he reads this website, he goes off on a tangent about how his dog is in the vet and may die, then finally gets back on task.

Caller on already, who asks a stupid question: will the Boogeyman win the Royal Rumble if he was in it? Todd essentially blows off the question, and the caller in the process.

Next caller on… man, if they’re taking this many calls, I’ll start writing and calling in. This one just wants comments about the next chapter (if there is one) to the Undertaker/Orton feud.

Third caller asks who Todd’s pick is for the Elimination Chamber. Todd channels Tazz and discusses the psychology of the match, and instead of giving a specific pick, just says that whoever enters last will probably win.

Fourth and fifth callers are worthless, so fuck it.

[break: montage of the Armageddon Hell in a Cell match]

Filler: Todd works the chat room, which results in the camera zooming in on his right nipple. He also takes a couple calls, nothing of substance.

[break: montage of the Afghani trip, set to that song by Scott Stapp]

The Vapid Wolverine: Benoit opens by chatting with Todd a bit about his best-of-seven series and his match at Armageddon. Nothing major.

Talk turns to Benoit’s start in WWE, which Todd reports as being six years ago, and asks him how WWE has changed since then. Benoit chooses to comment on great it is that there are many “new fresh faces in the locker room,” which seems a little like a double-edged sword to me.

Todd is asking somewhat lame questions here, just basic stuff about how much the Radicals helped each other… Or maybe it’s just Benoit’s answers that are coming across lame? It’s nothing grating, just boring and forgettable.

A caller asks who Benoit’s dream match would be against someone who isn’t in WWE. Benoit bails out of the question by just saying that he’s too focused on Booker T to think about that.

Second caller essentially asks, “Would it be cool to go back in time and wrestle Ricky Steamboat?” And Benoit essentially answers, “Yes.”

Talk turns to Eddie, and Benoit simply says that he keeps Eddie alive in his heart all the time. Benoit has had his good days and bad days since his passing, but overall is doing all right and just keeps Eddie on his mind. Todd asks if there’s one specific Eddie moment or memory that Benoit keeps on his mind, and Benoit (who is starting to speak a little more quietly and broken) chooses the ending of Wrestlemania 20. That was absolutely a cool moment.

Third caller on, but he’s a moron, so we’ll skip that. Someone in the chatroom suggests that Benoit brings in his wife to kick the crap out of Sharmell, which Benoit laughs with, but he really doesn’t play along. Todd wraps up, and Benoit is out.

They fire up Candice Michelle’s music since she’s next. Todd decides to do the GoDaddy dance, including informing us that his nipple is just a bonus to the visual, and we go to…

[break: clip of Candice’s photo shoot, yay]

Boobs, No Brains: As we come from the retarded movie of the retarded photo shoot, Todd tells us that it’s good he’s got a desk in front of him. There’s a visual I don’t need.

After giving her a hell of an intro, she is not on the phone. So Todd goes to the fan phones, and he tells the caller that he missed out on Candice. The caller replies, “I didn’t want to talk to her anyway, I wanted to talk to you!” Cold, and very amusing. The caller makes a couple comments on Todd’s dog, and is then off.

The producers say they’ve got Candice, so Todd boots the caller. Candice is indeed on, but she sounds like she’s about seven years old. While they exchange pleasantries, they show Candice’s Titantron video, and I can’t help but notice that I could probably drive a tank between her breasts. I hate canyon cleavage.

Candice chats about the trip to Afghanistan, that the majority of the troops seemed more proud to be there than hateful of the assignment. Talk moves from that to Playboy, so fuck that, because you shouldn’t care. (I mean really, who cares about anything but the finished product?)

Todd asks her about the wand, but Todd seems more interested in it than her, and even has the audacity to whip out the double-entendre jokes. Come on Todd, that’s too easy.

Caller in, who congratulates her on her win in Afghanistan, and who asks her for comments about Spaz being tossed. Candice dances around the latter, just saying that it’s cool, because they still get to see each other because they live near each other. Not quite the comment the caller was looking for, I’m sure, but as soon as he asked the question, I noticed that Todd hung up on him. OMG CONSPIRACY~!

A chatroom question asks how Candice came up with the GoDaddy dance. Todd demonstrates it for us again as Candice says that the whole commercial was improvised, and she “went with her instincts” and “that’s what came out.” I’ll let that speak for itself.

A caller asks what Candice’s goals are, and she says that she wants to stay in WWE, train up her wrestling skill, and take the WWE Women’s Title. Um… for the love of god, no. If Spaz couldn’t cut it, then Candice sure as hell can’t (or shouldn’t).

Another caller on, who sounds like he’s nine. Eh… as I write that, Todd asks him his age, and he says twelve. Meh, I was close. So he wants to know what match she would make if she was GM, and she says she’d make a match between herself and Trish so that she could take the title.

Third caller asks who Candice would “wrassle” that she hasn’t “wrassled” yet. She chooses Ric Flair, but doesn’t expound on it.

Fourth caller asks what Candice thought about the angle from Armageddon where Tim White killed himself. Now, everyone must have been prepped on how to handle this possibility, because Candice immediately starts asking him to repeat himself, because “he’s breaking up,” despite the fact that we at home can hear him clearly. Todd jumps over it too, saying, “Before she answers that, let me ask you: you could ask her ANYTHING, about lingerie or Playboy or GoDaddy blah blah blah, but you ask her that? Forget it!” Then Todd cuts him off and goes to the next caller.

You know, this is what bothers me. If WWE has the forethought to prep its Byte This! host and guests on what to do if a question comes up concerning a particular angle, how the hell did that angle manage to get aired at all? I mean, it’s like Rick says, WWE needs a Stupid Patrol or something. It’s like they worry more about the bandaging the consequences than stopping the idea in the first place.

Anyway… next caller is a girl, who asks what guy in WWE Candice thinks is hottest. While Candice thinks, Todd is pulling a Coach and naturally is thinking that he’s her choice. As Todd is pulling up his shirt to expose that nipple he keeps going on about, Candice answers that it’s Vince McMahon. Todd puts his shirt back and turns his back to the camera whilst Candice merrily explains herself. I saw his reaction coming a mile away, but it’s still funny.

Candice decides to address Playboy, and how it was always a dream to pose there. Candice? YOU’VE ALREADY POSED THERE ONCE! I’VE GOT THE DAMN THING! YOU’RE NOT THAT HOT! Now get off my Byte This! episode.

…And she complies. Huh. Well, that was fun and pointless. Can we go to break now?

[break: random ads]

Ending Noise: They’re giving away a Chris Benoit DVD, and the trivia question is: what were the character names of Chris Benoit and Eddie Guerrero when they wrestled under masks in Japan?

Now, apparently from now on they’re doing this rapid fire thing at the end of every show to converse with the fans. I don’t mind this, but I also won’t bother recapping all the calls anymore, because truthfully, the majority sucks. I mean, you’ve been reading this recap for awhile now (right?), and you know the callers generally ask vanilla questions. I feel I have to recap all the but the dumbest when they’re too a wrestler, but for this post-show nonsense, I’m a little stricter. I’m also lazy, and the more calls I skip, the less I have to type.

So, let’s get on with this…

First caller asks when we’ll see CM Punk, who was apparently just signed by WWE. Todd kind of glosses over it, just says that CM Punk is training and doesn’t know anything more.

Second caller correctly answers that Chris Benoit’s name in Japan was Pegasus Kid, and Eddie Guerrero’s name was Black Tiger.

Third caller is worthless.

Fourth caller is worthless.

New trivia question: Who were the six guys in the 2000 Armageddon Hell in a Cell match, and who won?

Fifth caller is worthless.

Chatroom asks: “Todd, have you been naughty or nice this year?” Todd: “Yes.”

Next week we’ll have Simon Dean on. Yay.

Sixth caller correctly answers: Kurt Angle wins, and the others in it were The Rock, Steve Austin, Triple H, Undertaker, and Rikishi.

The rest of the callers are worthless.

Closing Comments: Boring, top to bottom. Pretty much a waste of time. 



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