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This Guest Host is Awesome (awesome)
January 12, 2006

by PyroFalkon
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


Ah, the first Byte This! recap of the new year. I’ve ended up taking the last two weeks off, and knowing Bulldog, he’ll decide to use THAT fact to give me another “insult.” So unoriginal.

So I watched RAW, and I saw the Lita Nipple Slip that has been probably moistening way too many pairs of boxer shorts across the nation. To this, I have two words: 

Janet Jackson.

The parallels I see are astounding, even just from a personal perspective. Like with Janet’s Super Bowl flash, I didn’t even it see it on the first viewing. Back then, I was watching the halftime show and didn’t even NOTICE it happen at first. It took the breaking news story for me to go back and review the tape - or the   

DVR in that case. And it still took me several moments of pausing and slow motion to see it at all.

When I watch RAW, I always do other stuff at the same time unless certain people (John Cena and/or Shelton Benjamin, among a couple others) are on. So I wasn’t fully paying attention, although I glanced over whenever I heard the crowd especially woo. So of course my attention was grabbed when the audience popped (in two senses of the word) especially hard, and of course the all-black screen gave me a clue too. Lawler reports that he saw the nipples, which leads me to rewind and review. And on first glance, I still didn’t notice. So I again had to use a combination of slow-downs and pauses to see anything at all.

No, I’m not that desperate to see nipples. If I ever am, I’ll just take off my own shirt. But my point of doing this is that I find it very hard to get excited about something that takes me that much effort to see, when the exposure time results in about four frames out of a two-hour show.

And yet, since this country is insane, those four frames-at least in Janet’s case-led to some major fines, the Christian groups writing scores of angry letters, and the invention of a new phrase. Because WWE is on cable, it probably won’t suffer much (if any) government fallout, and the Christian and parents’ groups have other reasons to hate it (although I doubt that will stop them writing some letters), so WWE will probably get a free pass. The live audience probably saw way more than we did anyway, because from the crowd didn’t really go nuts until AFTER our screen went black. Something tells me her nipples were blown up on the Titantron for the morons to ogle.

Not to fellate Rick any more than what the general OO audience think we columnists already do, but I finally see what he’s saying… I don’t hate this segment for being “in bad taste.” I don’t give two shits that Lita’s left nipple was shown for 1/6th of a second. All I care about was that the segment was retarded. Well, the setup for it was. I can think of several different ways to book it, including a nice little bait-and-switch for the younger idiots of the fanbase, but I honestly don’t care enough about this subject to bother you with them.

I do care about Byte This! though, believe it or not, and it’s time I get back into the recapping routine. So here we go…!

Kennedy Over Disembodied Voice: I’m doing this from the archive, and WWE reports that it added a little something to the beginning of the show. We see a nice red car driven by Ken Kennedy pull up to what I assume is WWE HQ in Stamford, and we see him hit a button next to a security camera in front of a gate. This leads to an amusing conversation between him and an unseen female as he looks to get inside the gate. Though his name is not on the list, the girl opens the gate for him, probably because she’s tired of hearing him. He’s as deep into his character as can be, and unlike most BT guests, it’s actually working for him.

Intro: Todd Grisham hypes KK as the “greatest superstar in history” (verbatim), although he does it with a tongue-in-cheek attitude. Which is good, because ain’t no one gonna buy that seriously.

Todd recaps New Year’s Revolution, RAW, and, quite surprisingly, THIS WEEK’S SmackDown!. WWE is indeed pulling out all stops to try to get people to watch, aren’t they?

(Unintentional hilarity moment: Before recapping SmackDown!, Todd warns us all that if we don’t want to know the spoiler, to turn down our volume, and not to turn it back up until after KK’s head appears. As he recaps SD, a picture is tossed up of Kurt Angle holding the belt and celebrating with confetti all around him, and the bug “Last night at Philadelphia” in the corner. If you don’t realize why this is funny, we can’t be friends.)

After the overly long video of the end of New Year’s Revolution, a caller asks Todd to comment on his recent interview with Triple H. This results in Todd trying to impersonate Triple H’s voice, but it sounds like he’s doing Randy Savage doing Triple H. With that, we go to break.

[break: recap of Cena’s and Edge’s storylines of RAW, 24/7 commercial, Royal Rumble commercial (which I find hilarious by the way)]

“Slapnuts” Gets a New Definition: Okay, so now I wish KK was on RAW so I could see him. His introduction is great, so I’ll just transcribe it.

Todd: “Here he is, Mr. Kennedy!” [Todd turns stage left.]

KK: [walks up from stage right and smacks Todd in the back of the head] “What the hell is wrong with you?” [two second pause] “Answer me!”

Todd: “Uh… nothing.”

KK: “Shut up! Now why can’t you get anything right? Answer me!” [nanosecond pause] “Shut up!”

Even transcribing it is making me giggle. For the next few minutes, Todd and Kennedy basically shoot the shit, which includes Todd trying a Jabba the Hut impression into the special dropdown mic that follows KK around. Also addressed is Todd’s fascination with KK’s crotchal region, because Todd decides to bring up an incident where KK’s fly was down during an announcing moment.

With that fun nonsense out of the way, we go to the phones…

The first caller is an idiot, and because KK is a heel, he gets to insult the caller. This equals fun for me!

Second caller tells KK to ask for a title shot, which KK will do when he heals.

Third caller mentions that KK was the last guy to wrestle Eddie Guerrero, and what he thinks of that. Wow, that brought the fun, happy, throwaway mood of the episode to hell. KK begins by saying “All joking and kidding aside,” and as he says this, his voice very subtly changes. You can tell that he completely drops out of character, and he goes on to say that it was an “unfortunate honor” to be the last one to wrestle Eddie. KK footnotes that he and Eddie wrestled three times, and KK misses him and wishes they could wrestle again. Well said… You know, I still haven’t seen the SmackDown! half of the tribute to Eddie? I should do that tonight.

Todd just half-whispers “wow” as he and KK silently watch the footage of their match. They come to the match ending, with Eddie lying and cheating to win, and KK just casually says, “Yep, he got me there.” Todd adds, “You couldn’t have picked a better superstar to lose to though, could you?” KK replies, “No” softly. Man…

All right, we’re getting back on track by taking another caller. This one asks Standard Question #4: “If you could wrestle anyone in the world, who would it be?” This gives KK a good excuse to go back into character, although he only goes part-way into character, which in this case is not a bad thing. KK says he’d want to wrestle Stone Cold, because “Austin is the man,” and “he got me back into the business.” KK relates that he was watching wrestling in school, and the privilege was taken away from him by his parents. Then while Austin was having his big run in the late 90s, KK started watching WWE again thanks to a friend, and being such a big fan of Austin’s led him to try out for wrestling himself.

Fifth caller asks what KK’s job was before coming to WWE. KK replies that he was a security guard for a nuclear power plant. Todd laughs and this and half-mockingly says “The world is safe now, isn’t it?” KK replies by just giving Todd the stink eye, then goes on to expound. The single greatest device in comedy, when used correctly, is silence, and KK proves right here he knows its perfect timing. Canadian Bulldog should take the lesson and learn to shut the hell up once in awhile.

At this point, KK brings out a box he brought with him. It’s filled with black T-shirts with Kennedy on it, so KK distributes them to everyone in the studio and puts them over as the greatest T-shirts ever. He also uses the phrase “pimp my merch,” and no white guys aside from KK himself would have been able to get away with it.

Todd suggests they go to the chatroom. Instead, KK slaps Todd in the testicles. This leads KK and Todd to decide to go to break.

[break: Ultimate Warrior DVD commercial, Superstar Billy Graham book commercial, Rob Van Dam hype vid]

Kennedy Talks To the Fans: Todd has recovered because, as he says, he has small testicles. KK cuts him off to do the special lights and mic self-introduction again, and he even does the patented Undertaker Arm Raisings to brighten the studio back up. Cool, he’s getting the same supernatural powers as the Dead Man! Before long, it will be KK covering Bob Orton in blood and making lightning smash the ring posts!

Anyway, they go on to the chatroom, which is abuzz about when KK will be back in action. KK’s voice changes, so again he must be breaking character, and he says that doctors told him it would be about a six-month recovery time from the point of injury, which was one month ago. If you suck at subtraction, this means that he’ll be in the ring again in five months. Damn, he’ll miss Wrestlemania 22… too bad.

The conversation thread turns to KK’s finisher, which I don’t know the name of, but they’re showing footage of it… it’s like a reverse flip-over Samoan Drop from the second rope. Yeah, I think that’s right. So Todd asks where that came from. KK says that he’s got another finisher that he calls the Kenton Bomb, which is a modified version of Jeff Hardy’s Swanton Bomb.

One night, KK was wrestling in an independent circuit show, and the guy who went on before his match did the Swanton Bomb to end the match. In the interest of doing something different, KK considered doing a “Regal Roll,” which is I guess what this move is. KK had done the move before in the middle of the ring, so it wasn’t like he had never done it before. So he was on the ropes, and his opponent flew through the air and KK caught him. KK scouted the ring, thought “what the hell,” and did a Regal Roll or whatever from that rope. It looked good, and went over well, so KK adopted it as his finisher from then on. Very cool.

Todd talks about RVD coming back at Royal Rumble. What this has to do with anything, I don’t know, but KK chats about him and puts him over like crazy. Once that non sequitur is done with, Todd decides to play Word Association. Oh boy, this should be fun…

Chavo Guerrero: “Eddie.”

Shelton Benjamin: “The greatest athlete on RAW today, bar none.”

I call bullshit on this because of Angle. Todd channels me and points out that Angle is on RAW. This leads to this conversation, and again I’ll just transcribe it…

KK: “Oh, I thought Angle was on SmackDown! now.”

Todd: “We don’t know what Angle is on.”

KK: “What are you on?”

Todd: “Valium.”

KK: [laughs hysterically, then scowls and says…] “Do you have a prescription for that? We have a new drug policy you know.”

If I didn’t know better, I’d think KK had multiple personalities considering how fast he manages to change moods. Man, this is great stuff! Anyway, back to Word Association…

Kane: “He’s a monster… I liked him better with his mask on.”

Triple H: KK blathers here and puts Triple H over, but then implies he’ll someday win a match against him.

Todd’s had enough of this, so we’re going to the phones again…

First caller asks for details about the injury. KK reports that he was standing on the apron of the ring in a tag match, and he was dropkicked off. He turned in the air because he wasn’t sure what he was going to hit, and he wound up landing on concrete. Ouch. At first he thought the injury was a deep bruise, so he wrestled for two more weeks. After being checked out by the doctor, he was told that he had ripped the tendon off his side completely, and he needed surgery to reattach it.

Second caller is worthless, but again, it’s fun to hear KK insult the hell out of her.

Third caller is worthless.

Fourth caller is worthless, but manages to goose KK into using the phrase “keep it on the dizzle lizzle.”

Fifth caller is worthless, but KK sneaks in his second “Todd Grisham is gay” line of the night.

Trivia question for a KK shirt: Who was KK’s first opponent on SmackDown!?

Sixth caller correctly answers Funaki. KK asks the follow up question: “What color was the red car I drove in today?” Caller, thankfully, gets that right too. I worried about him for a second there.

Seventh caller, a fellow Buckeye, kisses ass, then asks if KK’s injury will make his finisher any harder. Todd and KK digress and mention that the finisher actually does not have a name yet, which makes me feel a bit better about not giving it one earlier. KK replies that, duh, of course he’ll be able to do it again eventually. He can’t do it now, obviously, but he will once he recovers. He goes on to say that although the proverb is “There are no stupid questions,” the caller proved them all wrong. Nice.

Eight caller is pretty worthless too.

And so is the ninth caller, and that’s that. KK says his goodbyes, tells Todd that’s he’s got a nice head, and walks off-screen.

[break: Eddie Guerrero book commercial, Wrestlemania Anthology DVD commercial]

Ending Noise: Taking calls, as usual…

First caller asks whether Todd likes RAW or SmackDown! better; Todd answers RAW and puts it over. KK reappears to insult Todd and slap him in the nuts again.

Second caller starts to scream something, so Todd just hangs up on him. That? Was frickin’ hilarious.

I guess Todd’s testicles are too sore to go on, so he just starts wrapping it up. SmackDown! hype, naturally…

And KK comes back on-screen one more time, just to use Todd’s ass to model one of his T-shirts. After that’s over, Todd hypes RAW, and feels the need to show a few video clips of the Chris Benoit/Booker T’s feud.

…Oh, I see, the final match is this Friday. Cool.

Todd goes on with more hype, including Dancing With the Stars crap. And fuck it all to hell, they show a video montage of it. (Aside: Good lord, I’d like to bang Tia Carrera.)

One more caller, who has a suggestion for KK’s finisher. KK reappears silently. The caller suggests “Kennedy Crash” as the name. KK just walks away, also silently.

Closing Comments: The November 2004 ECW episode was the best Byte This! episode since I started recapping them in summer 2004. The later May 2005 ECW episode was the second-best one. The fairly recent Bret Hart episode was third-best, but I’m biased there.

Mark it down people: this episode of Byte This! was, without a doubt, the fourth-best episode WWE has put out (or third if you’re not as big a Bret Hart fan as me). Entertaining from beginning to end, and much better than even a whole combined hour from a typical RAW episode. (How sad is that?) KK knows how to be a comic, and his hilarious insults to Todd and the callers kept me laughing. Plus, he picked the perfect times to break character, or at least calm down and reduce his character, but the shifts were so subtle that it wasn’t like a switch was being flipped.

If you haven’t seen BT in awhile, and/or you wait for my recommendation to watch it, do yourself a favor and check it out if you have a free hour. Things never slowed down until Todd got to the obligatory SmackDown! and Dancing With the Stars video packages at the end, although KK perked up the pace yet again to close out the show. Definitely worth watching!

That’s all from me this week. I’ll be around in seven days for another recap of the greatest webcast… in all… the Internet… Nah, who am I kidding, we both know that’s not true. Let’s start over.

That’s all from me this week. I’ll be around in seven days for another recap of Byte This!, truly the best webcast on WWE.com that stars Todd Grisham. Yeah, that’s accurate.



SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28




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