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The Old Man and the Moron
January 19, 2006

by PyroFalkon
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


Sometimes, I hate being right all the time. Such as liking The Office, even when the majority of the Internet hated it, and bam! It wins an award, possibly securing its place in NBC for (hopefully) many more seasons. 
Also, I said this last week: “I’ve ended up taking the last two weeks off, and knowing Bulldog, he’ll decide to use THAT fact to give me another ‘insult.’ So unoriginal.”

Well, a reader helpfully pointed out this tidbit from Bulldog’s Inside the Ropes last week: “January 2006: Pyrofalkon, OO's token ‘Byte Me'   

recapper, fails to write his shitty little column for TWO WEEKS IN A ROW!!!”

As I said, I hate being right all the time.

I’d also like to take this introductory section to welcome my friend, Jeff Snider, to the OO staff. He brought me to OO in the first place two years ago, but somehow I ended up writing for the site first. Ah well, Jeff is a great recapper, as you can tell from his SmackDown! recaps, and he should be a pleasure to work with.

So Jeff, welcome. And, shut up.

All right, onto Byte This!.

Intro, Guest Rundown: We’re going to have Superstar Billy Graham tonight, as well as Maria. The former will be in the studio, and though the latter was supposed to be, she “had a Maria-esque story so she will only be here by phone.” Joy cookies.

SmackDown! and RAW recaps, and you know the standard OO policy on that. The recaps this time include overly long video packages too… bah. Todd takes a couple calls, and both suck, although he does a killer Randy Savage impersonation in the middle of the second call.


Superstar Billy Graham: Graham is sitting by Todd, and he blandly opens, exchanging pleasantries. Graham says that Jesse Ventura and Hogan stole his gimmicks, and looking at the old footage, it certainly seems so.

Graham shares a somewhat uninteresting story about Arnold Schwarzenegger, who has been friends with Graham pretty much since Graham came to the country (from where, he doesn’t say). More bland stuff about working out, although Graham puts Schwarzenegger over.

Todd asks about a liver transplant Graham had, and Graham said that he’s feeling fine. He encourages us to all sign our donor cards, and mentions the girl by name whose liver he currently has. He says that he was 30 days away from death when the girl died and the liver was transplanted.

Todd asks why it failed in the first place, and Graham says definitely that it was Hepatitis C. Although most people assume it was drug and/or steroid abuse, he says, it was actually just the blood disease. He plugs his book, says it gives more details about it, but he goes on about how he became focused to rehab and get better.

Todd brings up the new WWE steroid policy, and he voices the cliché that every wrestler is on steroids. Graham says he’s all for the policy, although because the policy is only in the works and not yet finalized; but Graham also says that Vince cares about all his performers, and will be watching them carefully, policy or not.

This leads the conversation to Eddie Guerrero’s death, because Graham was apparently close friends with him. Graham says that Eddie was a Christian in thought and deed, which is why he was such an impact around the locker room. Graham says that he was distraught with Eddie’s death, naturally.

Time to go to the phones… First caller asks for a Royal Rumble prediction, but Graham pusses out and dodges. Todd asks who Graham likes best of the current roster, and he answers Triple H without hesitation.

Graham chats about his title win in 1977, and that it was the pinnacle of his career. Todd asks what the “it factor” is, and how Graham has so much of it. Graham answers that it’s the natural, internal charisma. It can’t be taught, he says, you simply have it or you don’t. Graham even mentions that his wrestling skills are sub par, but his charisma made up for it, which is why he went on to be who he was.

Caller in, who asks what his favorite match was. Graham answers with the one he just mentioned.

Next caller doesn’t ask anything, but brings up a Texas Deathmatch Graham had with Dusty Rhodes, and they chat about that for awhile. They also chat a bit about his induction into the Hall of Fame, but nothing worth retyping.

Next caller in, who asks what match Graham would like to do in a Wrestlemania 22 Dream Match. Kurt Angle? Nope, Graham actually wants a piece of Hulk Hogan, of all people, just because “I never had the chance to beat the snot out of that man.” Heh. Graham cuts a cool promo, calling Hogan a thief and everything for stealing his gimmick and look. But then Graham leaves his character, and says that Hogan’s existence is actually a great compliment. Neat.

Todd switches gears and asks what message Graham wants readers of his book to take away as the message of the book. Graham only half-answers, says that the book is all about redemption, and that the most amazing part of the book is his wife Valerie, how she stuck with him no matter what. He even recommends women to read to the book to see what a role model Valerie is. That’s really cool.

Todd pimps a couple appearances that Graham will have, and he’s done.


Through the Bullshit: The Maria the Mic Stand Edition: Maria’s on the phone to explain why she’s not in the studio. Basically, a combination of a bunny and the bad weather caused her to miss her flights. Good god, it’s going to be one of those interviews. Figures. Ah well, I haven’t played this game in awhile, so what the hell.

T: “How was it to pose in your underwear for pictures?”

M: “I was in my underwear! And I was standing there, and they were shooting pictures! And I was in my underwear! And the people watching thought I was from Victoria’s Secret, but I wasn’t, and they brought me free food, which included food!”

T: “You’re hot. The people in the chatroom want to know when you knew you wanted to be in WWE.”

M: “As a kid, I watched it when I was a kid. And I watched it when I was in high school. And I watched it after that. And I entered in the Diva Search!”

T: “That didn’t answer the question, but it doesn’t matter. You’re hot, and you get more face time on RAW than I do, even though your questions are lame.”

M: “What do you mean?”

T: “Your questions are lame. Did you ever study Communications and Journalism in college?”

M: “No, but I can read and write.” [verbatim, unfortunately]

T: “Yeah, that’s so totally the same thing.”

M: “Yeah!”

All right, gotta pause my game here. Todd asks how Maria thought of the Tribute to the troops, and Maria breaks character (thank God) to talk about it. Her voice even slowly melts from the cutesy shit she does on RAW to something a thousand percent more natural (like what you heard when she did her anti-Eric Bischoff testimony in the trial episode). She says that while the flight was long and rough (roughly 14 hours), she said that she’s extremely proud of the troops and how they obviously have far worse things than the 14-hour flight she took. She uses the cliché about how they fight for people they don’t know to make the world safe, although that’s not an insult; I mean, it’s a cliché because it’s true. She calls it one of the most memorable experiences in her life.

And with a cute (read: “not cute”) little giggle that amounts to “hehe,” she ends that statement and goes back into character. Damn, and I was actually interested in what she was saying for once.

T: “We take calls on that there phony thingamajig. You want to hear from a fan?”

M: “ ‘Kay?”

C1: “Uh… are you going to wrestle and be women’s champion?”

M: “Yes, but I prefer interviewing, but I want to be champion, because everyone else wants to be!”

T: “Talk about the bra and panties gauntlet.”

M: “I did good! And I didn’t think I’d do good! But I did good! And plus, I did good! Because Candice wears bad clothes!”

T: “Your in-ring abilities ROCK~! because of all your training!”

M: “Yep, I train as much as I can! OVW is in Kentucky!”

T: “Yes it is! What’s the capital of Kentucky?”

M: “Uh… the city with the star?”

T: “Wrong! It’s the letter ‘K’! I totally stole your line that no one remembers! Aren’t I funny?”

M: “I’m too stupid to disagree, so I’m going to laugh with you, even though you’re insulting both of us with one sentence!”

T: “Sweet! Okay, next question… Some idiot in the chatroom wants to know who you’d want to interview the most.”

M: “Rowdy Piper, because he did Piper’s Pit. And I want to know why he wears a dress.”

T: “You’re as talented with your face expressions as Jim Carrey! Agree with me!”

M: “I agree with you. I do faces without realizing it, but maybe I do it just to entertain myself!”

T: “To the phones!”

C2: “It’s my birthday, and…”

M: [sings the whole fucking Happy Birthday song]

C2: “Maria is my favorite! Are you going to be women’s champion?”

M: “Didn’t we just talk about that?”

T: “Yes, yes we did.”

M: “Well, I’ll just repeat myself for shits and giggles.”

C2: “I have another question.”

T: [cuts off the caller] “I cut off the caller!”

M: “Ha ha ha ha! You’re funny!”

T: “Chatroom moron #640 asks if you want to pose for Playboy, since obviously that’s the only reason you’d ever want to be in WWE.”

M: “Um… well, Playboy rocks, but no, because I have a little sister. And I want to do it my way, because I’ll be naked, and I’ll be naked. Even though Playboy is so totally professional, I don’t trust them.”

T: “We’re going to show footage of me stripping for you.”

M: “It was so totally entertaining to me, even though I couldn’t remember what RAW it’s from! But you were stripping and I made you think you were stripping for me, but then you turned around and it was some old guy standing there! That was so totally funny and not at all been done before for the last 40 years!”

T: “Even though-”

M: “So totally!”

T: “Even though I brought it up, I don’t want to see the footage anymore. Now that PyroFalkon is on the verge of swallowing his cyanide pill, we’re going to stop.”

M: “Thanks everyone for writing me and thinking about me! I heart you all!” [leaves]


Ending noise: Wow, my IQ hurts.

First caller: worthless.

Trivia question: What year was it when the last time the WWE Championship changed hands at the Royal Rumble?

Second caller: Who does Todd think will win the RR? Triple H.

Third caller: Who does Todd want to interview on BT, past, present, or future superstars? [FUTURE superstars? How the fuck does that work?] Randy Savage or John Cena.

Fourth caller: 1999 is the answer.

That’s it, I guess.

Closing Comments: Maria is not that cute aside from her ass, and can just get the hell away from my WWE TV. It takes TTB to keep me from blowing my brains out.

Billy Graham’s interview was really cool, as he expertly passed between in-character and out, although obviously he was mostly out since no one would recognize his character. And his character wasn’t really the point anyway.

I really feel my bias coming in here, so bear with me. Graham’s interview was no better or worse than Bret Hart’s, and yet Bret’s entertained me far more. As you know, it’s just because Bret is my favorite wrestler ever, and that will probably never change.

The point is, if you’re a fan of Billy Graham, you will absolutely love his interview. As I say week in and week out, hearing a wrestler out of character is always a treat, and I’d rather have someone boring out of character (even partially) than totally entertaining in-character.

But that said, Graham is not generally one of my favorites, so to me, this episode doesn’t break the top five. Still, his part more than made up for Maria’s retardedness, so this episode gets a minor recommendation from me. If you’re not a fan of Graham, you can pass on this one, although there are much worse ways to spend an hour of your time. 



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