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One of Us... One of Us... One of Us...
January 26, 2006

by PyroFalkon
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


Yesterday, I woke up with a scratch in my throat. My bedroom is cold, too cold usually during winter, and this is not uncommon. I hate doctors and medicine, especially for something so minor, so I just rolled with it and went about my day, figuring my normally strong immune system would kick in and kick out the irritation. 
So here I sit in my computer chair, Thursday morning, trying to gather enough brain capacity to write a recap. Turns out that whatever I’ve got, either my immune system can’t deal with it, or doesn’t want to. I haven’t gotten any worse, thanks to some timely doses of Ny-Quil, but it’s still rather unpleasant.   

Well, at least I’m not wallowing in self-pity. Actually the day went pretty well despite a scratchy throat, especially when a friend put an amusing image in my head after I forwarded him a bit of Rick’s Monday news update…

[22:59] PyroFalkon: "MTV has announced plans to try its hand at wrestling... they will tape a pilot episode next month in Los Angeles. [...] The as-yet-untitled wrestling show is being hyped as ‘unlike any wrestling show done before.’ Which, given MTV's track record, you can almost certainly translate as ‘will suck.’ "

[23:07] Zane McFate: hahaha

[23:07] Zane McFate: music... wrestling... music... wrestling

[23:07] Zane McFate: I want to see undertaker come out to Blink-182

One of many comments that shouldn’t have amused me as much as it did. This is of course the polar opposite of anything Canadian Bulldog vomits out, where it’s supposed to amuse me but just looks more and more stilted and gimmicky every week.

But enough of him (seriously, ENOUGH)… this is my second overly long introduction, so it’s time to get to the recap.

Oh, except one more thing… STEEELERS ARE IN THE SUPER BOWL!!! WOO HOO!!!!!

Intro, Guest Rundown, Recaps: We’re going to have Pat Patterson on today, mostly because he invented the Royal Rumble, and Mick Foley, who’s got some “major announcement” for us. My money says he’ll be in the Rumble. Wow, so surprising.

Todd blathers about SmackDown! and RAW, mostly about what matches will be on the Rumble. He also touches on the B-Shows, then decides to take calls.

Caller #1: “What do you think of Cena’s chances?” He’ll win.

Caller #2: Worthless.

Chatroom guys rhetorically asks if Todd will join the Spirit Squad. Heh.

Nothing else of value, so we go to the…

[break: clips of Pat Patterson’s career]

Pat Patterson: After a great introduction, Pat is MIA. He got disconnected from the BT phone lines. Normalcy for this show. So Todd kills a little time taking a call, which is worthless, but they Patterson back pretty quickly.

PP says that he’ll be at the Rumble in person, and he chats about how he invented the Rumble. It was actually a tweak of someone else’s idea; he said that back in his day, WWE did an annual 20-man standard Battle Royal that sold out every time. Some other promoter thought about trying a 30-man Battle Royal, but PP wanted to do something that had never been done before. So he went with that number, but had them trickle in every two minutes. He said it was hard pushing the idea on Vince and others because the match would take over an hour, but eventually they tried it on USA Network, and the ratings were huge, so it became a mainstay.

PP says that either Triple H or Rob Van Dam will win, although just for balance, he says that Randy Orton may have a chance. He talks a bit about his wrestling past, nothing too interesting; stuff about his classic matches with Bob Backlund and when he was the first IC winner. PP says he’s proud of Ric Flair still going at his age and wishes he could do it too.

We’re going to the phones now…

Caller #1: Fires a trivia-like question to PP for no reason, asking who won the 1994 Royal Rumble. That was the tie between Bret Hart and Lex Luger, which led to the Wrestlemania X thing, where they both faced Yokozuna. Neither Pat nor Todd know this off the top of their heads, but one of the Byte This! crew scrambled to get the answer. The caller never was clear why he was asking.

Caller #2: Asks a rather good question, wondering what PP’s opinion is of the IC belt as it is now, as Ric Flair isn’t defending it often and so on. PP replies that he feels the IC belt is definitely not as high as it should be, that it should mean more than it does. Nice.

Caller #3: Asks which Royal Rumble was PP’s favorite. He cops out, and Todd segues to get PP talking about what happened in last year’s Rumble.

Chatroomer asks if PP sees one particular younger wrestler who will make an impact eventually, but that we aren’t seeing as talented yet. PP cops out of this too, although he does give some sagely advice that many of the younger wrestlers are biding their time and waiting for a break, but that’s not the way it works in wrestling. PP says that the young guys have to make their own break, implying they need to steal the show to get noticed.

That’s it, so Pat’s out. Meh. Just, meh…


Foley… Is… GOOD: You know, natural charisma can’t be taught. There’s a definite difference in the way Pat Patterson and Mick Foley speak, and Mick definitely grabbed my attention quicker than Pat did. And what’s funny is, I’ve never been that much of a Mick Foley fan. I’m not anti-Mick like I am anti-Kurt Angle, but I’ve never really dug Foley until he pretty much was at the end of his career.

Anyway, Mick is on, opening with a riff about how his kids were watching TNA. Mick chats about his trip to the Philippines, and that it was one of the biggest reactions he ever got from the fans. He also talks about his match with Bradshaw in Afghanistan, and he says that “for a short time Bradshaw and I held the distinction of having the worst match ever in Afghanistan… but then some others came along and took that title from us.” Nice.

Mick mirrors Pat’s choices and says that he thinks either Triple H or Rob Van Dam will win. They’re teasing whatever Mick’s “big announcement” is until later, so for now we go to the phones.

Caller #1: First gets Mick talking about a family he knows. Details are on WWE.com, but apparently this family have seven kids, three of which have muscular dystrophy, and one the them passed away. Worse still, their house recently burned down; Mick is taking donations to try to help them out, and this caller was one of the ones who donated. There will be an actual fundraiser event in New York soon, which Mick will appear at, although he doesn’t give a date.

The caller also asks Mick for comments about his old Royal Rumble match against The Rock, which was an I Quit match. Mick says that he hasn’t seen the match for a long time and doesn’t remember the specifics, but that the match “got away from him and The Rock,” that it was too violent and “a mistake” to actually do.

Wow, that’s unexpected… and THOSE types of comments are the EXACT reason I know Byte This! can be a better show. If the guys talk out-of-character about matches they particularly liked or disliked and why, it would be a much more interesting show.

Mick continues the interestingness by saying that the eleven chair shots he took that day were the worst ever because with his hands handcuffed behind him, he couldn’t block the chair and every shot felt like it went down his spine. This segues to Todd asking about the Hell in a Cell match he had with Taker, and how being thrown off the steel cell did hurt, and that it’s probably the question he’s asked the most.

Mick and Todd also educate the fans that injuries and pain tend to stem more from what we fans don’t expect or don’t see, just the little things. Todd shares on behalf of Mick that when Mick goes through the cell and lands in the ring, that didn’t hurt; what hurt was when the chair followed him down and hit him in the face. Ouch.

Mick says that this is especially true with knee injuries. Mick’s knee didn’t go out on him until a few days after “the Backlash match” (I’m not sure what he’s talking about), where he was simply sitting down to watch his kids play at home, and that little action is what taking out his knee.

Caller #2: Asks the standard “If you could get back in the ring, who would you wrestle?” question that Bret Hart has to deal with day in and day out. Mick picks Hogan only because he’s never faced him before, although that’s not his main two. The two guys Mick would most like to face are Kurt Angle and, surprisingly, Edge.

Todd now declares that Mick should share the news, but he overhypes it according to Mick. That’s a tease, but Mick says his announcement anyway: he’s getting a weekly column on WWE.com. Sweet. The first one will be online Thursday (probably by the time you read this), which is a two-parter about Stacy Keibler. This, sadly, leads to crap about Dancing with the Stars.

Mick chats about the history of how this column came to be, as it basically started as a story Mick penned involving one of the kids he met in Afghanistan. (By “kid,” he doesn’t explain whether he’s referring to a soldier or a kid in the sense of someone under 12.) He also says that he hates the term “blog,” and that one of the names for his column that’s being tossed around is Foley Is Blog, just because it’s a rib on him.

Back to the callers soon, because Todd is SURE that Mick just wants to get back to the computer so he can watch Byte This!. Mick laughs and says the two things he can’t turn on are a computer and a woman, and we’re lucky to have him on the phone at all. That? Was funny.


Caller #3: Asks which of Mick’s three characters was his favorite to play. Mick turns the question around, and the caller says that he liked Cactus Jack the best. Mick replies that Cactus was cool, but that the legend of Cactus Jack overshadowed his ability, to the point where people asked for more than Mick Foley could produce. (Note: ANOTHER great insider comment that is totally not “giving away the business” or whatever retarded argument WWE wants to use for not having them more.)

Mick even says that, for that reason, he was hoping it wasn’t Cactus Jack who was chosen at the latest Taboo Tuesday voting thing. Although Mick didn’t rig the voting, he did go “out of his way to make the Mankind interview more interesting” than the Cactus Jack one.

Caller #4: Asks if Mick Foley could induct anyone into the Hall of Fame this year, who would it be. Mick picks Bret Hart, and that gets me an erection thinking about it. Mick then adds Bruno Sanmartino possibly, or whatever. Damn, I need to learn how to spell his last name.

Caller #5: Asks if Mick is going to get back in the ring to patriotically whip some ass against Kurt Angle and/or JBL for what they’re saying about America. The question is stupid, so normally I’d just flag this caller as worthless, but it does spawn a comment from Mick that it may actually hurt Kurt to say what he’s saying, because deep down Kurt Angle the actor is very patriotic. I bet Kurt Angle the actor would beat down Kurt Angle the character.

That said, Mick thinks about that, and says that maybe that would be a good reason to come back. He thinks that teaming with the Boogeyman for a tag match against Kurt and JBL would be great. Methinks Mick took one too many chairshots.

To close, Mick hypes his new column, saying that he may even touch on his very close call where he came “this close” to departing WWE for TNA. Hmm… now that would be a good read.

Mick’s done, so we go to the last…


Ending Noise: To the phones!

Caller #1: Worthless.

Trivia Question: What was the only tag team ever to be entrants 1 and 2 in a Royal Rumble match.

Todd chats about some more of the matches that will be going on at the Rumble.

Caller #2: Correctly answers the trivia question (Demolition members Axe and Smash in 1989).

Caller #3: Worthless.

Caller #4: Worthless.

Closing Comments: How many times do I say it? Byte This! is best when the guests do insider stuff out-of-character. Mick Foley’s piece was the epitome of what can make a perfect Byte This! episode.

Pat Patterson wasn’t bad, but I guess he wasn’t that good… kinda bland. That’s still far better than “boring” or “irritating,” and he did have some interesting stuff in his interview.

A decent episode overall, not sure you’d want to bother watching it unless you’re a Mick Foley or Pat Patterson fan. See you all this Friday for our Team Coverage of Royal Rumble 2006!



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