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WWE VELOCITY RECAP
Champions vs. Champions?
OK, Not Really....

July 25, 2005

by The Cubs Fan
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

why star ratings are crap, part 165: Meltzer gave Benoit/Regal **** 1/4

TV PG V CC entertainment open (Hassan still there; maybe he can just wrestle on this show about six months ahead of his time)
 

Christian (Toronto, Ontario, 224 pounds) vs Funaki (Japan, 180 pounds) - your announcers are Romero and Josh, talking about Captain C's GAB match. Oh, wow, now this is a match. Your ref is Korderas. Josh notes it's different fighting Funaki than Booker. Christian has words for Funaki, for the crowd, ad then a shove for Funaki. Lockup, into the corner, Funaki ducks the cheap shot.

Romero makes fun of Josh in a pot/kettle situation. Christian charges out, Funaki gives him a drop toe hold and slaps the back of his head. Funaki celebrates, Christian charges again, Funaki side steps and cradles him, one two NO. Armbar, crank, crank, twist, whip, reversed, clothesline by Christian misses, crossbody by Funaki misses and Funaki ends up on the floor. Christian out after him. Arm smashed into the barricade. Funaki thrown back in. Stomp by Christian. Christian holds Funaki in an armbar and stomping Funaki. Abdominal stretch. You think Booker really is just upset that Christian stole his "jump to SD!, proclaim yourself as the biggest start on SD!, fail to get into main events" bit from his jump? Funaki back elbows out, but Christian stops him with a kick to the midsection. Corner whip, charge into a boot, Funaki out with the bulldog. Funaki hurting from the ribs. Christina punch blocked, Funaki punch not blocked. Right hand. Whip, reversed, Funaki back with the spinning headscissors. Funaki pumped up; crowd noise is real weird here, and I can't tell if they're simulated or disinterested or just badly miced. Funaki with corner punches one two three shoved off, Christian charges, Funaki kick catch enziguri one two no. Christian punches Funaki and throws him out, but Funaki lads on his feet. While Christian is celebrating, Funaki goes up, top rope cross body one two no. Funaki stomping happy. Off the ropes, bodyscissors - reversed into a face first powerbomb. Christian calling for it. Unprettier. One two three. (5:03) Josh: "Christian seems confident." NO WAY

WWE Rewind, sponsored by Clearasil: Eddie steals Psicosis's rake! The nerve of that man.

Benoit/Eddie on SD! (1:38)
GAB: Eddie Guerrero vs Rey Mysterio in a Secret match.
GAB: Undertaker vs Muhammad Hassan [WORLD #1]
Josh: "The only problem for Hassan: trying to defeat an angry dead man." Well, that too.
GAB: M&N vs Heidenreich & Road Warrior Animal [WWE TAG]
GAB: bWo vs Mexicools
GAB: Booker T vs Christian
GAB: Chris Benoit vs Orlando Jordan [US]
GAB: Melina vs Torrie Wilson [Bra and Panties, Candice Michelle as special guest referee]
GAB: Batista vs JBL [WORLD]

Still to Come: JBL has a new hat!

Two Week Ago: Chokeslam for lawyer. I guess this is the hype for the match? (1:36)

bWo (720 pounds) vs Nick Berk, Jason Static, and Scott Fowler (625 pounds, already in the ring) - I don't know why, but hearing the music is hilarious. Doing the poses is hilarious too. Oh, wait, Stevie's got something to say, but not before Josh kills Romero. "For those of you who don't know who we are, to my right is Hollywood ova. To my left, is none other then the Blue Guy, and of course I am Big Stevie Cool. And Mexicools, turn off your Juan Deer tractors and pay attention: because this right here is an example of what we're going to do to you at the Great American Bash. And just like you, we're not Mexicans! We're the bWo! and we're taking over!" If, against all odds, these guys make it to SummerSlam without being dropped or forgotten, they have to do a bit with Hogan. Your ref is Nick. We've got Nova, and I think Nick Berk. Lockup, Berk shoved down, Hollywood poses and invites Nick to kiss him in an intimate area. Nova with a headlock, shot off, back with a shoulderblock. Armbar by Nova, tag to Big Stevie Cool. Meanwhile, Romero explains I'm part of a sick 3%. Berk uses a hair pull to walk Stevie back into the jobber corner. Tag to - well, the other guy has "Static" on his tights, so I'm guessing this is Fowler. Josh agrees and makes fun of someone else for being thin. Fowler with a headlock, shot off, back with a shoulderblock. Fowler off the ropes, over, stop short and a right. Off the ropes, side slam by BSC. Headlock. Do they want the Meanie? Not particularly, but why not. The sound mix on this show is so bad. Headlock by the Blue Guy. Backed into the corner. Fowler with shoulders to the gut. Hahaha gut. Corner whip, reversed, Fowler rebounds into a hiptoss. Pose! Josh: "You think that Nick Patrick is in the bWo? He's got a blue shirt on." Static in, and he immediately tries to slam Meanie. Not a smart one, Jason. Meanie can slam Jason. Whip, inverted atomic drop, off the ropes, bulldog. Pose again. He needs a second pose. Static takes a turnbuckle smash. Tag to Stevie, headlock, Static with a big back suplex. Josh: "Jason Static - I don't think that's his real last name." Tag to Berk, who works over Stevie with turnbuckle smashes and forearms. Suplex? Yes. Tag to Fowler, who punches and gets punched, until he eye pokes. Stevie tries a chop but gets more punches. Arm crank over the middle ropes. Tag to Static. Double whip, double back elbow. Cover, one! Static with a headlock, kinda short to make it work, and Stevie return the favor from earlier by dropping him with a harsh back suplex. Tag to Fowler, tag to Hollywood.

Romero: "You know, he reminds me of somebody."
Josh: "I can't quite put my finger on it, but he definitely reminds me of someone."

YOU! Punch blocked, punch not blocked. Second punch, third punch. Berk in, Berk takes a kick. Noggin knocker! Fowler clotheslined out. Whip for Berk, big boot. Will he? Running legdrop. No pin, because Hollywood's hip hurts. Tag to Meanie instead. He goes up, Static comes in, Stevie kills him with a Stevie Kick. Meaniesault. (Romero: "the backflip off the top rope!") One two three. (5:02) Play that weight belt guitar, Nova. Number of times JBL mentioned in this segment: 0.

Earlier Today, Josh talked to Frankie Kazarian.
"Scotty 2 Hotty? I'm wrestling Scotty 2 Hotty."
"Yea, that's right."
"The guy with the goofy outfits and the Worm, he's still wrestling?"
"Yea, he's still wrestling."
"Dude, I used to watch him EIGHT years ago. It's time to change things up around here, it's time for the Future of wrestling to take over, and the future is now. So everyone out there, they can cancel their plans on Saturday night, because the Future, Frankie Kazarian, has arrived."
Hey, shorter, that's nice.

SD! Live
07/24 - Buffalo, NY [GAB]
07/26 - Rochester, NY [SD!]
07/30 - Bangor, ME
07/31 - Burlington, VT
08/01 - Poughkeepsie, NY

Scotty 2 Hotty (Westbrook, ME, 208 pounds, w/free GAB shirt) vs "the Future" Frankie Kazarian (200 pounds) - I the future, we have no hometowns. Look, he can finger draw a box. He should hang out with OJ. Did Josh just forget which show Angle's on. Crowd loud of Scotty. Circle. Lockup, Kazarian with an armdrag, and he's very happy about it. Circle. Lockup - no, Frankie with a low kick. Forearm. Right. Whip, hiptoss blocked, hiptoss blocked, Scotty with the flip out and a hiptoss and another hiptoss. Tarzan Yell, Frankie charges, and Frankie is thrown the floor. Frankie climbing back up the apron, and cranks Scotty's arm over the ropes. Kazarian with a scissors kick to the shoulder. Running corner forearm. Corner dropkick. Slam. Frankie heading up top. Top rope legdrop had no real chance of hitting, and so didn't. Let's just ignore Romero here. Scotty wins the punch battle. Kazarian with aback suplex, Scotty lands on his feet, Scotty hits the back suplex. Scotty kips up (this match is in fast forward), off the ropes, fivearm. Whip, backdrop. Scotty feels it, but he's nowhere close to getting it right now. Frankie with an eye poke and sends him into the post. Armbar takedown, one two three (3:42) wait, three? What was with this one? bWo match go long? Oh no, it's so he can get a promo in. Crowd thinks he sucks, and Frankie mocks them. "And I have just proved why I am the future. [blows kisses] and the future looks good!" Let's just ignore Romero here.

Batista and JBL. (3:11)
GAB: Batista vs JBL [WORLD]

Slam of the Week, sponsored by Stanley: Doomsday Device.

WWE Tag Team Champions M & N (Los Angeles, CA, w/M) vs (ECW Tag Team Champions) Danny Doring and Roadkill (417 pounds) - Melina's looked better. She sets high standards to live up to, sorry. What the heck is this? Romero: "This guy looks like a Quaker, Josh!" So close, still a moron. Courtesy of 24/7, we have clips of this duo as a tag team in ECW - Josh mentions them as champions, even the event they won. Romero correctly notes Nunzio in the title change clip and his ECW name. Josh: "You're correct." "It happens every now and then. Loud ECW chant. Joey and Roadkill to start. Roadkill scares Joey by talking about poultry. Circle - and Nitro attacks Roadkill from behind. Stomps. Joey runs Roadkill into the corner and grabs the beard for a punch. Joey mocks Doring so Nitro can yank him around by the beard. Joey back over, but Roadkill fights his way out of the corner, only to get a drop toe hold for Roadkill. Tag to Nitro. Elbow drop to the back. Right. Corner whip, reversed, Nitro kips up but no one's home, Roadkill back suplex. One two no. Tag to Doring. Roadkill lifts Nitro up, Hart Attack one two NO. Doring drops Joey off the apron, but gets run into the corner by Nitro. Tag to Joey. Right hands. "YOU WANNA MESS WITH ME? WE'RE THE CHAMPS!" Joey with a whip, misses a clothesline, misses a clothesline, misses a dropkick when Doring grabs the ropes. Inverted atomic drop, dropkick, one two no. Slam, no, Joey slips behind, Doring with a switch, Joey to the ropes and a sneaky tag to Nitro, Doring has Joey rolled up, Nitro kicks him in the head. Punches to the head. Turnbuckle smash for Doring. Tag to Joey. Punches. Let's ignore Romero here. Reverse neckbreaker by Joey on Doring one two no. Joey's got Doring by a leg to drag him back, but Doring hops his way. Tag to Roadkill. Joey's punch misses, Roadkill does not. Right, whip, powerslam. Nitro in, Nitro takes a backdrop. Roadkill lines it up, crossbody on Nitro in the corner. Josh finally says "Angry Amish". Roadkill charges Joey in the other corner, and takes a boot. Joey to the middle rope, cross body caught, tag to Doring, running shoulder slam, Doring legdrop but no one's home. Your ref Brian Hebner orders Roadkill to leave the ring as Nitro comes back in - Snapshot. One two three. (4:01) Give them the belts! (They do.) Joey takes a picture because it'll last longer than Doring and Roadkill.

That's it.

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