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WWE VELOCITY RECAP
A PPV Rematch! Sort of...
August 1, 2005

by The Cubs Fan
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

TV PG V CC entertainment open (haven't taken out Hassan - yet)
 
WWE Cruiserweight Champion Paul London (Austin, TX, 195 pounds) vs Nunzio (175 pounds) in a 'we're sorry we screwed you on time, but this still isn't for the belt' match - Your announcers are Steve and Josh (hair spiked out to the extreme) Your ref is Charles. Nunzio's under the impression that's he's a face this week. I sure hope he's not setting me up for a shocking turn! Handshake of 

friendly competition. Lockup, Nunzio with a waistlock, London out into an armbar. About 5 people are loudly chanting for Akio and it is hilarious. Battle for armbar control. Nunzio backs London into ropes as we get to the ECW chant. Whip, reversed, London with an armdrag. Armbar by London. Josh: "Muhammad Hassan - I don't think we'll ever see him again on SmackDown!" He references the WWE.com bit. Nunzio gets free of the armbar with feet on the ropes. Romero brings up Hassan's vow to beat Taker or never return: "I guess we'll never see Muhammad Hassan again." Could you explain it a third time? With pictures and charts? Thanks! Nunzio has a hammerlock. London with a reversal, Nunzio with a reversal, London tires to roll out, but Nunzio hooks him and pins him while he's on the mat, one two no. Nunzio tires a fireman's carry, but London reverses into a grounded crucifix, one two NO. London with a front facelock, Nunzio backs into the ropes for the break. London takes his time letting go, and Nunzio punches him in the gut. Forearm to the back. Corner whip, London kips up and to the apron, making a stupid face when he gets there. Nunzio justifiable tries to punch him (because it is a match, and it was a stupid face), but London blocks and forearms. Kick to the side, pause to wipe his hands on his trunks (huh), springboard Mushroom Stomp. One two NO. London double checks that two fingers means two. Nunzio out, London out after him, Nunzio tries a kick, London catches him and kicks him in the hamstring. Nunzio thrown back in, slingshot Okie Roll one two NO. Did Romero just call an Oklahoma Roll? Someone lost a bet! Nunzio retreats to the corner, London charges, Nunzio moves out of the way, London brakes himself with a foot to the buckle and elbows Nunzio. Springboard kick (maybe?) whiffs, and Nunzio lays him out with a back suplex, cradling one two no. Nunzio standing but that hamstring is still hurting him, especially when he stomps. Nunzio, who did that shocking heel turn without letting anyone know, uses his good leg on a kick to the ribs, and verbally assaults the crowd. Suplex. One two no. Chinlock. Josh talks about talking with Paul London; he sure to people on Velocity a lot. London fights up, double leg, back bridge cover one two NO. Nunzio on London immediately, pounding London head into the mat, pounding his head with his fists, pounding his head into the mat more. One two no. Snap mare. Chinlock. When London was talking with Josh about keeping Nunzio off the mat, I guess he was afraid of these chinlocks. I know I am. London fighting up with elbows, but Nunzio stops him with a forearm to the back. Nunzio with a headlock, London with a kneebreaker, and a dragon screw legwhip on the bad leg! Both slow up, Nunzio up first but limping. London gets in his forearms before Nunzio can do anything. Northern Lights Suplex one two NO, London holds onto Nunzio, blockbuster suplex with bridge, one two NO! Crowd not really reacting. Josh pretends "Stretch Armstrong" is a current hip reference. London tries a suplex, Nunzio blocks it. Nunzio with a corner whip, quick reverse by London, London picks up Nunzio back suplex styles, and crotches him in the corner. London gathers himself and backs up - running corner Dropsault for Nunzio. Nunzio falls out of the ropes, and out of the ring, which is a bad bad move. It's the Paul London showcase hour, fortuning double jump springboard suicide plancha! Crowd reacts to that. London throws Nunzio back in, covers, one two NO. London is pretty frustrated about that one. London grabs ones of Nunzio's legs as they both get up, but Nunzio eye rakes him and hooks him into a bodyscissors cradle one two NO. Nunzio with a knee to the midsection to get London bent, and up to the middle rope for the Slice - but London pulls him off the ropes! Nunzio lands in perfect position, so London heads up, and comes down with a Shooting Star Press one two three. (6:47) Josh: "London Calling!" Does this mean I won't get to say Cosmic Cyclone again?

SummerSlam: 3 Weeks Away.

SD! Live
07/31 - Burlington, VT [SD! Live]
08/01 - Poughkeepsie, NY, [SD! Live]
08/02 - Bridgeport, CT [SD!]
08/06 - Knoxville, TN [SD! Live]
08/07 - Johnson City, TN [SD! Live]

Eddie tells the SHOCKING secret we all guessed from the first day of this bit. (5:21)

Funaki (Japan, 180 pounds) vs Frankie Kazarian (Anaheim, CA, 210 pounds) - After all these years, it finally bugs Josh that Chimel announces Funaki as being "from Japan" as opposed to a particular city. I see Frankie is pushing the limits of his undefeated streak. Drawin' the box. I'm so thankful we have no interview. Clap for Funaki! CLAP! Lockup, Funaki with a waistlock, ain't going anywhere. Frankie with a standing switch and a forearms to the back. Frankie is compared to Terrell Owens. Headlock. Funaki with back elbows, and shoots Frankie off. Shoulderblock. Frankie off the ropes, tripped by Funaki one two no, armdrag, armdrag, armbar. Frankie to his feet,  Funaki twistis the armbar, but Frankie pulls the hair to get him into the ropes. Josh: "Why did Eddie Guerrero and Rey Mysterio even have a match at Great American Bash?" Frankie tries an armdrag, but Funaki rolls through and keeps the armbar on. Crank. Corner whip, Funaki with a kip up and out, and Frankie pulls him down by his head. Knee to the back. We watch a replay of the pull down, mostly because Funaki's head bounced. Neck vice. "LET'S GO FRANKIE"? Or were they saying Funaki? I don't think so. Same five guys. Funaki tries to fight free, but Frankie gives him knees and a headcrushing move. Straightjacket chinlock. Korderas is your ref, by the way. Funaki getting up to claps. Funaki with right hands. Whip, Funaki's punch is caught, and turned into a float around swinging neckbreaker. Corner whip, corner clothesline. Corner swinging dropkick, he's proud of that, one two no. Knees. Off the ropes, swinging neckbreaker, no, Funaki turns it around, kick catch enziguri. Both slow up. Funaki off the ropes, bulldog, both slow up again. Now Funaki crawls over to cover, one two no. Funaki getting pumped up. Right. Right, whip, dropkick. Off the ropes, crossbody one two no. Romero: "And the bottom line is, if you are the Future, at some time you are going to take a beating." Huh. Frankie gets picked up, and pays Funaki for it with a punch. That almost sounded right. Frankie corner whip, charge into Funaki's back elbow, Funaki to the second rope so he can slap and blow his finisher, slap, seated tornado DDT is blocked (GASP!), Funaki manages a fisherman's suplex anyway (!!) one two NO! Funaki stomping mad. No time to use verbs. Funaki grabs Frankie, but Frankie gets a hold of him - holy crap, Funaki just landed right on his neck on that back suplex. That was incredibly painful looking and completely unnecessary; Funaki over rotated. Korderas is quick to check to see if Funaki's still with us, and gives the okay signal. Inverted spinning neckbreaker doesn't really do anything that hasn't already been done, but does look neat. One two three. (5:43) Funaki grabs his head. Just to see if it's there, I bet. OH NO not the microphone. "I've said it in the past, I'm saying it in the present, I am the future, and The Future Looks Good." The future involves drawing rectangles.

Deuce Bigalow 2 (August 12! I've got two more weeks of this! noooo) presents the WWE Rewind: Tag Team Title defense. You know that part of the LOD DVD where Animal complained about Hawk and Kensuke Sasuke teaming up as Road Warriors? You think he still feels that's a bad idea?

M & N (LA, CA, 440 pounds, w/o M) vs Steve Lee & Scotty Saber (445 pounds, already in the ring) - Announcers are distraught at the lack of Melina; the "you can only work one match per taping" bit really hurts. Here's an insert bit to explain the lack of Melina:

Mercury: "Ladies and gentlemen, Melina's out on a publicity tour. But we're here! Nitro & Mercury, on Velocity! To show the whole world that we are the greatest tag team of all time!"
Nitro: "And we're SEXY!"

Nitro is insane. Your ref is Nick. Mercury and - Steve Lee, right? Lockup. Oh no, it says Sabre on his tights. I guess that's my clue. Mercury's already dropped him and he's bringing him over or a tag to Nitro. They hold him and kick him. Those guys chant "WE WNAT MELINA" while Nitro pounds Sabre. Tag to Mercury. Double back elbow. Boot choke. Mercury adjusts his hair, tries a kneedrop, and misses. Tag to Steve Lee, who has trouble getting in the ropes. But he's good with the punches after there. Corner punches one - and that's it, Mercury stops him there. Inverted atomic drop and now Mercury is the one who is punching. "I'LL DO WHAT I WANT NICK PATRICK." Lee set up in the corner, and kicked in the hamstring. Mercury with a sit on the arm. Tag to Nitro. Slingshot stomp to the leg. Nitro twisting the bad leg. Tag to Mercury. They must get paid per tag. Triple legdrop! Mercury with a spinning toehold (without much spinning). Nitro yells someone in the front row, and the crowd gets on him. Mercury gets kicked away, and Lee makes the desperation tag to Sabre. Sabre winning the punch battle. Off the ropes, Mercury ducks the clothesline, Nitro's in and killing Sabre with a superkick. I think we're done here. Take a picture, it'll last longer than this match . Snapshot. One two three. (3:09) Scott Lee tries to drag his partner to safety. Stupid move - Snapshot for him. Play their music!

JBL vs Undertaker. If I were JBL, I'd make sure every summer, someone does something stupid and it gets minor media attention, because that sure seems to work out well for him. (3:01)

WWE Slam of the Week, presented by Juicy Drop Pop: William Regal will never ever have a match on SmackDown!

Hardcore Holly (Mobile, Alabama, 242 pounds) vs Simon Dean (Clearwater, Florida, 210 pounds, w/bag and microphone) - your ref is Brian Hebner. Maybe Simon wants to set up a distribution deal? "Now, hold on a minute, hold on a minute Mr. Hardcore. You and I haven't been properly introduced, and Simon Says I believe in you. Now Mr. Hardcore, now - hold on a minute - I know you have a short fuse. Now, hang on a second, don't be flipping out on me, I'm just going to make you an offer - there's no harm in that, is there? Now Mr. Hardcore, or Bob, I'm going to make you an offer to leave this ring. I think you should leave this ring, Mr. Hardcore, because you should not be wasting your time worrying about wrestling me tonight. You should be worried about trying to get in better shape. [Mr. Hardcore doesn't like that line.] Because Bob, you don't look anything like you used to. In fact, I'm a little worried about your triceps, Bob. And your pecs [Bob's moving towards him, Dean's backing up] - hold on! - they're looking a little droopy. ahaha. [Hardcore's thinking how hard to punch him in the face] In fact, instead of Hardcore Holly, I think they should call you Softcore Mol-[REALLY REALLY HARD]" Wait, I need to watch that again in slow motion before we can get started...BAM. That's awesome. That speech is funnier if you pretend Vince is giving it, or at least everything up to the offer line. Simon leaves the ring, grabbing his face, which is good enough for Hebner to ring the bell. Josh says he's been on the Simon System for two months and doesn't look like Holly. Josh: "I sorta look like Peter Griffin." WOOSH is the sound it makes as it goes over Romero's head. Simon comes in, but only when assured of free room. He wants a handshake! C'mon! Well, no, so he just kicks Hardcore. Whip, reversed, Hardcore backdrops him. Simon out to take another break, because they've left too much time for this match. Simon up on the apron, back in. Ready to lockup now. Hardcore powers Simon back in the corner. Simon manages to reverse and corner Holly. Clean break? No, Simon's punch is blocked, Dean's not. Chop. Chop. Chop. Chop - he's chopped him all the way across the ring. Setting Simon up in the corner. Chop. Simon trying to stagger away, but Hardcore brings him back. Chop. Hardcore asks if they want one more? Chop. And out goes Simon again. He doesn't want to go in - okay, he'll go in if Hardcore gives him room. Hardcore gives him plenty of room in the ring by going out of it after Simon. Hebner out to keep them separated. Everyone agrees to go in - except Simon changes his mind, pulls Hardcore off the apron, and runs him into the post. Brian backs him away from Hardcore momentarily, and then forearms him in the back. Hardcore thrown in, elbow drop to the back one two no. Kick to the spine kick. Simon talking trash and stomping. Forearm to the back. Knee to the back. Forearms to the back. Brian and Simon have an argument. Hardcore chops Simon, but Simon gets the better of him with punches (huh.) Back suplex. Popular move tonight. One two no. Modified camel clutch. Hardcore gets up, but gets kneed and forearmed. Corner whip, Simon with his own chop. Right. Corner whip. Simon waits for Hardcore to stumble his way. Right hand, Hardcore ducks, grabs Simon, and drops him with a half nelson suplex. One two no. Stomp. Rights. Off the ropes, Simon misses a clothesline, eats back elbow. Shoulderblocks a plenty from Hardcore. Whip, powerslam. One two no. Whip, dropkick. One two no. Hardcore slowly going to the top rope. Top rope clothesline. One two no. Hardcore looking to pick up Simon, but Simon pull shim in the corner buckle. Jumping sit on Hardcore's back. Up the the second rope to try again, but Holly gets up and grabs him by the legs. Hardcore turns around, pulls Simon away from the ropes, and drops him with the Alabama Slam. One two thee. (6:34)

That's it.

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