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Saturday Night's Main Event Returns!
March 19, 2006

by The Cubs Fan


so how you doing? With 40 games down, I'm in the 96.9 percentile on ESPN.com, having lost no one past the 16 (and I'm not all that heartbroken about losing a team like the Illini there.) Problem is, so is someone else in my group. Hopefully Ohio State can keep on being good cheaters and win me some games and Gonzaga can actually justify it's seed for once.  
internet radio for bored people: I'll be a guest on the Figure Four Radio show on April 5th, talking lucha lubre, chicago wrestling (assuming I bother to go to a show between now and then) and Super Porky's memorable WWE career. The show is subscription only, but don't you think I'm worth your $6.95? (They have other, better, guests too.)  

deep probing question: is it a bad sign for your level of wrestling interest when there's approximately 4 billion wrestling shows in the Chicago area the next two weeks and you're not interested in any of 'em? Only if you agreed to recap Saturday Night Main Event without really thinking it thru...

the mainstream is appealing. Hey, it's one of those TV ratings! (TV 14)

Who do you start with on the return to NBC? Vince McMahon standing in front of his Muscle & Fitness cover. "I'm Vince McMahon, chairman of WWE, and this is my son Shane. Several months ago, Shawn Michaels disrespected me on national television, and I've vowed to make Shawn Michaels life a living hell! And tonight, I will fulfill that promise when my son Shane takes on Shawn Michaels in a street fight!" Shane: "No rules, no restrictions [shadow box flurry] no mercy!" "Yay baby!

Quick cut to Shawn Michaels in the lockerroom, head still bandaged. "So, Vince McMahon is going to make my life a living hell, thru his son. Vince, you want me to sink to your level? Tonight, you might just get it! If I'm going to hell, your son Shane is coming with me! The only difference - I'm coming back."  

Quick cut to Triple H in front of a blue curtain. "I am The Game! Triple H, the King of Kings. At WrestleMania, I will become the 11 time WWE champion! and defeat John Cena. But tonight - " and a hand with "You Can't" "See Me" wristbands wave in front of his face. Pan out, to John Cena holding up the belt and talking directly to Cena, "you get to tag team with the Champ! Lucky for you, the Champ - is - HERE!" Triple H turns to look at Cena, so we get the face off with the belt behind them shot once again. 

Quick cut to - JBL with a fake mustache? "Hi. My name is NOT EARL! [rips off mustache] My name is John Bradshaw Layfield. [puts on white hat] And I made a little list of all the bad things I did in my life. [JBL waves a Jericho-like scroll] Like #452: that would be challenging Stone Cold Steve Austin to a beer drinking contest on Saturday Night's Main Event. Stone Cold, you may think you're more of a man than me, that may be true, but you will find out I am not a man - I am not a man!, I am not not a mere mortal, I am a wrestling GOD!"

Quick cut to the Boogeyman, some place dark and red. It's going to be tough to cut your promo with worms in your mouth - oh, well, if you're going to let them slide out of your mouth in a horrible gross way, I guess that works. "Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha I'm the BOOGERYMAN! And I'm COMING TO GET YOU!"

Open - if you thought POD wasn't quite overplayed, you're in luck. Lots of clips of lots of people - seems to be no further back than WrestleMania.

TO the arena, with lots of fireworks - more than you usually get for a TV event. Looks like they have a special stage. Lots of WWE logos on the walks. We're live, in Detroit, and the first announcer we here is Jim Ross. And the first person to enter is

Triple H looks ready to wrestle - we can't be possibly doing the WM match to start? I do recall reading that's what they did on the old days. Geeze, that's a cool stage. Hey, there's Lillian, I guess this IS a match.

Triple H (Greenwich, CT, 255 pounds) and WWE Champion John Cena (West Newbury, MA, 248 pounds) vs World Champion Kurt Angle (230 pounds) and Rey Mysterio (San Diego, CA 170 pounds) and Randy Orton (St. Louis, MO, 245 pounds) in a 3 on 2 handicap "RAW WM Main Event vs SD! WM Main Event" match - We find the time during Triple H's entrance to check out your announcers are Tazz, Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler. JR is quite excited to be here. Crowd seems quiet towards Cena tonight. Hmm, the ref appears to be SmackDown Referee Nick Patrick (of all people.) Angle gets a PPV level firework display. For those obsessing at home, the ropes are all white. Rey doesn't have his jump pad tonight, but he's got a new t-shirt instead. Orton wastes no time in annoying his own team. In turn, Angle and Rey don't alert Orton that Cena's right behind him and ready to go. Forearm in the back. right hand. Right hand. Forearm to the back. Orton sneaks in an eye poke to stop that. Right to the head. Forearm to the head. Whip, Cena reveres theatrically, Angle makes a blind tag, Cena hiptosses Orton but is grabbed in a waistlock by Angle. Going for a ride - German suplex! Angle's fired up. European Uppercut, and a second. Corner whip, Angle charges into a boot, Cena charge out into a overhead belly to belly suplex. Angle spins around, and decks Triple H for being there. Straps down - this won't be long. Olympic Slam - no, Cena's free, Angle rushes him, Cena gets him with a spinebuster one two no. The fogs done run in, Bob - we could use some ventilation. Cena holds Angle in a front facelock, and tags in Triple H. Cena hands Angle over, and Triple H uses his hand to pound Angle a bit. On to stomps, and a boot choke in the corner. Whip, clothesline misses, Angle straight under to a waistlock for a German, holding it, German, holding it, third German. Took a bit out of Angle, and he needs a tag - tag to Rey. Rey waiting on the apron - springboard silla (every time they say "senton", you say "silla" and you'll sound so much smarter!) Rey off the ropes (off the middle rope) actually, turning a Triple H clothesline into a crucifix into a sunset flip one two NO. Rey tries for backslide - gets it, one two NO.  Triple H slows it down with a thumb to an eye. Tag to Cena, and the fans don't want to see Cena or don't want to see this fight. What are they going to do?  They're tentative.  Rey off the ropes, Cena shoulderblocks him down. Tazz is offered by King's "Rey is SO short" joke. Cena off the ropes, over the drop down, under the leaping, into the dropkick. Triple H comes into help, and helps by taking a spinning headscissors. Rey turns back to Cena and hits a dropkick to somewhere on the upper body. One more dropkick for Triple H, who falls in his corner. Whip, reversed - loud and very male CENA SUCKS chant breaks out here - Rey grabs the ropes, Cena runs, Rey drop toe holds him into the rope and calls for the 619. That distracts the crowd, but before Rey can hit it, Triple H pulls his partner out of the way, and then destroys Rey with a clothesline. Both men down, and JR hasn't been gone so long you can't still tell his "we're going to break" voice. (3:33)

SNME is sponsored in part by Nintendo DS.

- new Tetris game. James says they didn't bother to put in a normal actual Tetris mode in the game, so you know.
- Movie: Inside Man
- bodog.net poker
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- NBC: Teachers

As we return (TV14), Triple H is being sternly warned by Nick Patrick and doesn't appear to care all that much. JR says Triple H has been working over Rey all break and tried to get Cena to do something illegal to help, but Cena refused. Triple H has Rey on the outside of the apron at the moment, though Rey is fighting back with a shoulder to the midsection. There's another. There's a third - and Triple H saw it coming and got a knee up. Rey falls to the floor, and Triple H pulls him up - there's a real good shot of tonight's color coordinated EG armband - only to throw him into the barricade. Hey, the corners are red! Why are the corners red? Triple H and Cena are debating ethics but I hate ethics. Triple throws Rey back in, and covers one two no. JR calls Triple H "the Monarch of the Mat" and I don't know what to do. Triple H picks up Rey and wants a tag, but Cena says no. He's got to be sick of being booed by now, I figure. Corner whip, Tripe charges in, and Rey gets up a boot. Rey charges out, and gets a big spinebuster. One two Angle breaks it up, tripping in the process. Orton wants to talk about that, but Angle doesn't seem to listen. Rey punching Triple H to fight up as the crowd starts chanting for Eddie. (Not acknowledged.) Whip, sleeper by Triple H, and Rey's fading quick, down to the mat in no time. He's still waiving his arm, but the crowd isn't with him nearly as much as his partners are. Rey raising back up, backing Triple H into the corner, and trying to back elbow free. He's free - so why doesn't he tag? Corner whip, reversed, and Rey goes in chest first. Triple H sets Rey on the the top rope facing out - King going "SD! sucks" and Tazz replying "no it doesn't" is starting to get old here, but Tazz is trying -  and Triple H climbs up with him. Rey fighting back with back elbows, and down goes Triple H. Rey stands up on the top rope - moonsault bodyblock! Both men down again and looking for tags. SD! side trying to rally the crowd - both of them want in. Cena looks like he wouldn't mind a tag, but he would live if he didn't get it. Triple H gets Rey's left leg, so Rey kicks him away with the right. Triple H falls into his corner, so Cena leans over and makes a tag just before Rey makes his with Randy Orton. Both charge, Orton lands a clothesline, and another - boos are pretty loud here, but the announcers bravely ignore their existence - and a nice jumping shoulderblock. Time for the FU? Orton slips free an shoves Cena into Angle on the apron, who ends up on the floor. Cena takes a second to gather himself, turns, and manages to duck a clothesline, slipping behind for the back suplex rotation powerbomb! Cena walks over to his corner, stares - they are booing SO much - and informs Triple H of his vision problems. Off the ropes, Five Knuckle Shuffle. JR, gamely: "Love Cena or not, he is a warrior! You gotta love his fighting spirit!" OMG, they did buy New Japan!!! Back in reality, Cena's pumping up the sneakers. Waiting, lifting him up, Triple H is sneaking in the ring even before he hits the FU. Cena covers, but that's not the way this is going down; Triple H pulls him off, kicks him in the midsection, Pedigree. Big pop. Triple H looks at Cena, looks around, and decides he's done his day's work. Wait, he's coming back? Oh, he remembered this match needed an ending - Orton's pulled on top of Cena. JR says "Evolution" and "Collusion?" Words with Nick Patrick, but he's leaving again. Where's Rey and Angle? One - Rey pulls off Orton? Orton is like "What?" and Triple is like "What?" and the crowd is like "What?" and Rey is like "Come to think of it, I don't really know either." Triple H, returning for a second time, seeks to make things right with a Pedigree for Rey. Hey, Angle, you alive? Oh yes - here to clothesline Triple H out as he tells Orton to cover. Angle may want to be careful when he turns around. Yep, RKO. Finish? Anyway? Cena's getting back up! Orton's sizing him up. There's a Cena chant and Tazz points out it in a millisecond. RKO - no, Cena escapes it into a inside cradle one two THREE. (6:04, 9:37 total) Never has Triple H been more unhappy to win a match. Orton is back to that "What?" thought, and I can't say I disagree with him. JR tries "Wrestling Aristocrat" - does he get royalties if any of these stick. The RAW main event gets to make faces and yell at each other while the SD! lays dead and forgotten - is that a metaphor? is that a simile? Always used to get those confused. Tazz: "I'm unhappy about this whole deal!" Steady, we've got 100 more minutes to go. 

- BK Junior for a $1.
- Minwax Wood Finish. Huh.
- Movie: ATL
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- NBC: Heist
- USA: Nashville Star
- Dodge Truck Month
- Jeep
- NBC5 news - maybe you didn't get that one

A look at the Detroit skyline - and a fountain.

WM21: Randy Orton vs Kurt Angle vs Rey Misterio [WORLD]
Tazz says this is a(rguably) battle of SD!'s three best pure athletes, which may make OJ cry.
WM21: John Cena vs Triple H [WWE] - first ever meting

Back to the announcers, where JR talks about the HOF. We look at the list one more time: 
Gene Okerlund, inducted by Hulk Hogan
Eddie Guerrero, induced by Chavo Guerrero, Chris Benoit and Rey Mysterio 
Verne Gagne, inducted by Greg Gagne
Sensational Sherri, inducted by Ted DiBase - Sherri gets a louder reaction than Verne
Bret Hart, inducted by Stone Cold Steve Austin  

Cut to backstage, where The Ts, SD! GM Theodore Long, and medical type people are checking over Booker - seems like his groin has flared up once again. What happened? "I've been running the stairs, man, trying to get warmed up, trying to get ready up for this Boogeyman, and I heard something pop! I heard something snap! I heard something pop! I heard something pop! I'm hurt! It's hurt hurt!" Teddy's trying to get the doctor's opinion, but Sharmell's talking right over him. "It's obvious that this man is hurt! Now, I saw it all go down, he popped like a firecracker! Look, as General Manager of SmackDown, you are going to have to cancel Booker T's match with Boogeyman tonight! He can't wrestle!" Teddy wasn't looking for her opinion, he wants the doctor's. The doctor says Booker's got pain in the knee joint, but can't really tell any more without a MRI, which would take three or four hours - but Booker's in so much pain, he doesn't think it's a good idea. Theodore relents, and says Booker's match with the Boogeyman is off. (Booker hides a smile. The fans boo.) Booker's sorry, real sorry. Handshake. Booker limps out of the trainer's office with the help of his wife - and they smile as soon as they're out of visual range.

Edge, Lita, and Lita's deep cut shirt are out for the Cutting Edge Show. We flash back to Two Weeks Ago On RAW, where Edge gave Mick a One Man Conchairto. King: "I think Edge was intent on ending Mick Foley's career!" Maybe there's another way you can phrase that, King. Ah, we've got another break to fit in here.

- Movie: Benchwamer.
- Bowflex (TiVo Enhanced)
- bodog.net poker (2)
- NBC: Heist (2)

And we get a King read for the show as they return to Edge's theme music. This must be thrilling to the live audience. We've got some props out there this week. Lita: "Welcome to the Cutting Edge, the home of the rated R superstar, the most watched champion in the past five years, oh, and the man who is perfect at WrestleMania." Edge gets booed...less than Cena. "Thank you Lita. And I plan on remaining perfect at WrestleMania, when I beat my guest tonight, the supposed Hardcore Legend Mick Foley. You might notice these hardcore weapons strewn around the ring. And I put them here, to make Mick feel comfortable, to inspire him, so when I beat him at WrestleMania, it actually means something. Because, right now, it's not going to mean much. Because, right now, it's not going to mean much. You see, Mick Foely's not the Hardcore Legend any more." [FOLEY FOLEY FOLEY] "For those of you just tuning it, Mick Foley has gone from being a Hardcore Legend to a cuddly teddy bear. A muppet! His latest shtick is he'll come out here, and say the name of this city to get a reaction from you idiots, because let's face it - that's the only way he can get that reaction nowadays. Then, then he'll come out here and he'll, he'll plug his latest outside endeavor, which will fail miserably, and then he'll dance around the ring with a sock puppet on his hand! Oh, oh, it's all very impressive, but it's not exactly Cutting edge. So change your plans, Mick, I want you out here right now, so I can give you your WrestleMania beatdown, and put you out of your misery? Get it? Good! So, ladies and gentlemen, I give to you Mick Foley!" The music - does not hit? Huh. Edge doesn't wait long. "Just like I thought, you never fail to disappoint, do you Mick? Proving once again that you are the most overrated superstar in the history of this industry!" That gets the music. JR (wasting no time): "Or maybe not!" Mick Foley has a bag, and it's looking like thumbtacks. Before you can figure on him being the insane one, we cut back to the ring to find Edge ushering Lita out as he DOUSES A TABLE WITH LIGHTER FLUID. And he's got a match! Table on fire! Edge, on the other side of table as Foley, dares Foley to try something. He does not. A ring crew member with a fire extinguisher does, which is kind of a lame way to do it solve it here and quite the tease. Foley drops his bag and flips the table towards Edge while it's still smoking. Edge is caught off guard, and Foley's on him with punches in bunches. Edge worked down to the corner, and Foley stops to BANG! BANG!. Running knee to the face. Foley moves the table out of the way, and goes back for his bag. Foley teases the bag, and dumps it out. Yep, thumb tacks, and hundreds of them. Foley pulls Edge up, places him with the thumbtacks laying behind him, and starts punching, trying to get him to fall. Edge is getting pounded, but he keeps his balance - the last one almost gets him. Foley goes to the ropes for the toppling shot - and Lita gets him with a chair in the back! Edge grabs him - BULLDOG INTO THE TACKS! Mick, you're retired and insane! Edge gets out of dodge, before even realizing what he's done. He smiles, Mick sits up (with thumbtacks on him and falling off) - and he smiles too! Edge stopped smiling there. Mick's up and he's got a chair - and Edge and Lita fall down on the ramp in fear. Edge grabs Lita's chair and charges, both swing, both hit, and Edge drops his. Foley with a chair to the cut and a swinging neckbreaker on the metal ramp! Foley takes a look at Edge, takes a look at Lita - Lita runs off - and sets up Edge's head on a chair. Looks like its' time for a bit of revenge. Foley's ready the Conchairto - and gives it! BANG BANG. Foley takes some off the tacks off his forehead, and drops them on Edge for the camera's sake. Foley leaves as security rushes to Edge's air - look at the blood drip down Foley's face. 

- Sprint/Nextel cell phone.   
- Movie: Larry the Cable Guy, Health Inspector
- Metroid Prime Hunters
- Movie (DVD): King Kong
- NBC: Deal or No Deal
- Movie: Inside Man (2)
- Pontiac NCAA promotion - hey, that's on another channel.
- Subway
- Hummer
- Subway Daily Special (2)

Let's look at the crowd. Let's look at McMahons vs HBK. They worked hard on this. Heyman getting fired. Bischoff getting fired. Everyone fired. Everyone kissing his special body part. Beating down Hogan. Survivor Series. HBK career highlights - blink and miss Jarrett and the Roadie. HBK telling Vince to grow up and move on. Long lingering shot of Bret, post-screwjob finish. Shane as a proxy. (4245- 4540)
SNME: Shawn Michaels vs Shane McMahon in a street fight

Backstage, Sharmell is buttoning her jacket. "You've been out of the shower five minutes already, let's go." And now she takes it off to show off her gold bra. Booker and Sharmell are in a happy mode, having fooled Teddy and even a doctor. They're going out to party. Booker and Sharmell bust some dance moves. Or approximations thereoff. And then the room goes red. Sharmell freaks, Booker scans the room for Boogeyman - who hangs from the ceiling behind them. "AAAAAAAH! [pause] AAAAAH!" Booker and Sharmell rush out of the room, running past Carlito talking to someone. They pause to freakout some more, and run some more.

JBL gets a ride out of the curtain. There's a Texas two step for you. He's certainly in a jovial move. Stone Cold Steve Austin - after a break.

SNME is sponsored in part by Poseidon

- Movie: Poseidon (long - trailer?)
- NBC: Law & Order (new time)
- the More You Know (talk with your kids)

Back to the ring, where all the beer and JBL are ready - for just a moment? There's the All Right Reserved notice - we're running early for the top of the hour. And here's the open again. The things we do to get separate hours counted separately.

To the booth, where we recap the things to come: this beer contest, Mark Henry calling out the Undertaker - and no more, because JBL's talking.

"Ladies and gentleman, this is the very segment that NBC executives and fans from all over the world have been waiting for. The moment JBL - John Bradshaw Layfield, self-made multi-millionaire, media maven, wrestling GOD - would come to Saturday Night's Main Event on NBC, right here in the bowels [WHAT] of America [WHAT]. Where your mayor, your air reading - wearing Mayor Kwame is a laughing stock! [cheers and boos] Where your sports teams [pausing for it to settle down] - if I was you, I'd quite cheering, because you morons elected him. [boos] Of course, there's not much to cheer for here, seeing as how your sports team could not win an inter-squad scrimmage. And what really upsets me, your automakers, your mighty Detroit automakers, losing to Toyota! You people, and your labor unions, are an embarrassment to the United States of America that I stand for! You're losing jobs to Japan! You're losing jobs to Mexico! Well, at Wrestlemania, when I beat - BEAT, and I - look at me! I guarantee - when I beat Chris Benoit for the United States Champion, things will change! This country will stop losing jobs, this stop county being universally hated! This country will being a worldwide joke!" GLASS BREAKS. Stone Cold Steve Austin's got a truck! Is it it American? New t-shirt, naturally. He's burning out his tires because we need smoke! I wonder why JBL thinks beating fellow American Chris Benoit will change the US? Tazz helpfully reminds us of this storyline. Austin posts in all four corners, paying no mind to JBL. We don't seem to have a ref for this, but I don't think it'll matter too much. Tazz wonders how JBL is even in this, considering his Benoit-broken hand (still taped.) Austin has a mic, good. He wants to take a glass - but no. AUSTIN AUSTIN AUSTIN AUSTIN and so on. "Hell, I just had a couple quick things I wanted to say real quick. First thing is, uh, it's good to be here on NBC's Saturday Night's Main Event. Second of all [bleep], damn it's good to be here in Detroit. And third thing is, I sure am thirsty. And I got to be thinking about this thing. All of the sudden, I hear that JBL has challenged me to a beer drinking contest, [WHAT?] and I started to think to myself [WHAT?] - hello, JBL, I didn't you standing there, son. [WHAT?] Did you try to sneak up on me? [WHAT?]" "I'm - I'm hurt." [WHAT?] "You're hurt? [WHAT?] Why did you challenge me to a beer drinking contest, I just want to know, was it something I said?" [WHAT?] JBL's fired up "No! It was something you didn't say! You're talking about Texas greats. In Texas, there's two things - the Alamo and ME! If it wasn't for this broken hand, I'd stomp a mudhole and walk it dry! on you!" "Amazingly-" "So I thought I'd beat you at your own game! Drinking beer like these common idiots." "Well, you don't have to get all ruffled up about it [fixing JBL's jacket], settle down, you [bleep]nofabitch, you're about to blow a gasket. You know, I started to think to myself, I said to myself, ol' JBL might have a chance at beating you in a drinking contest, I mean, you're a big ol' fellow, what are you, about 5' 11? How tall are you, about 5' 11"?" "6' 6 and about a quarter." "Oh, 6' 6." "And a quarter." "What do you weigh, about 205?" "282, 283." "Well, I was close, you know what I was trying to say is I know you drink a lot of beer, I figured maybe I needed to start practicing. So, this morning, I got a wakeup call over at the hotel about 6:30 in the morning, and I called Room Service, and I said, 'Room Service, I need to order some breakfast', and they said, 'Mr. Austin, what do you want?' [WHAT?] I said, 'One Egg [WHAT?], and about two cases of beer. [WHAT?]" So I ate that one egg, [WHAT?] you know, for the vitamins and protein and what not, [WHAT?] and I drank in 24 beers. [WHAT?] About lunch time, I got hungry, about time I came over to the building, [WHAT?] I went over to the bar, [WHAT?] and, hell, I started drinking one beer [WHAT?] and I drink a pitcher of beer [WHAT?] and another pitcher of beer [WHAT?] and another pitcher of be- [WHAT?] and, hell, I drank fifteen pitchers of beer because I was worried about you beating me! So what do we got going on here, in this little drinking contest? [picks up a beer] I'm about ready to go get started right now, if you don't mind. I'll just-" and JBL puts his hand on the beer! Crowd: "Oooooooh." * Austin puts the beer down and goes fro another, but he gets cut off again. " Hey! You know your problem? You don't listen to anybody! This is my game, just like this is my society, my economy, I make the rules, not you! That is your problem! You want to buck the system, you want to be Billy Bad Boy and do whatever you want! I make the rules! And here are the rules!" "Alright." "You drank all that beer today, right. I have twenty five beers there, I have twenty five beers there. I went across the river to Canada to some really good beer because you can't get it here! And so here's the deal, you and I have [loses thought - or waiting to be cut off?]" Austin: "We got Canadian beer?" "Yea." "You didn't bring American beer." "No, I went across the river and got me some Canadian beer. [to crowd] Where they play real hockey!" [boos] "Boy, I'll tell you what, you're full of piss and vinegar and a lot of other things. We got any rules, I'm ready to start drinking this." "The rules are real simple - you got twenty five beers, I got twenty five beers, and we got [thinks] one minute! to drink as many as we can. And what we're going to do is get back to back like the Old West, like Marshalll Bill, like Wyatt Earp, like Fesitus, like Gene Autry, like John Wayne, like Clint Eastwood, like Marin O'Hara-" "I feel a little leery turning my back to you." "Hey, I ain't-" "If you want me to drink this sonofa[bleep] under the table, give me a Hell Yea! [Got it.] Why can't we make it that simple?" "NO, we're going back to back, I ain't going Brokeback Mountain, I'm a real cowboy! [JR: not that there's anything wrong with that]" Austin: "No comment." JBL explains the rules one more time. Most beer in a minute. Austin: "So you're the official one minute man." "You've been talking to my wife!" Ready? JBL cheats and drinks before go. And then just pours it out instead of drinking it. JR: "Like a lot of Long Horns, Bradshaw taking a shortcut." How DID Oklahoma do this year? Oh right. Austin turns around to check out JBL's act, and JBL gets caught. "What in the hell are you doing, son? For someone who's got a big damn mouth, you sure missed it with that damn beer. What are you doing?" JBL offers a beer, and then throws it in Austin's face. He's hightailing it. Don't stop to laugh! You're so dead. It's Chris Benoit and he's very mad! Bradshaw thrown it, and Austin throws many beers in JBL's face. JBL does many beer flops. I can't believe Austin would waste good beer like that! Benoit's laughing it up. Austin puts on the white hat! JBL takes off his jacket and looks around. Looks at Austin. KickwhamStunner! Play his music! Flip over another table. Good thing they had this after they had the fire segment, because half the ring is soaked. Austin celebrates and throws JBL's hat on him. Taking trash. Replay of how it went down one more time. Back live - for Austin giving JBL chess compressions? He's got JBL's hat. One more? Well, we don't see-

backstage to Candice admiring herself on the Playboy cover. Victoria tells her it's time to wrestle, as we look at the Asian looking woman on the cover.

SNME is sponsored in part buy bodog.net

- bodog.net (3)
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- Movie: Lucky Number S7evin
- Just For Men
- NBC: Heist (3)
- USA: Nashville Star (2)
- NBC: the Apprentice

Candice Michelle & Victoria (no weight) vs Mickie James (Richmond, Virginal) & Women's Champion Trish Stratus (TdotO) - they're wearing matching purple outfits. JR has harsh comments for Mickie. "She's a little psycho." Video package of Mickie's fascination with Trish. There's the feigned rape angle which actually went nowhere, which is surely for the best. Mickie is sad after seeing that video package. She's sad when Trish comes in the ring. Fifty minutes in between matches here, but it may have felt like five hours if you were transcribing promos. We start with Trish, Candice, and, as contractile required, the GoDaddy dance. Trish kicks her and we all feel better. Rights.  Whip, reversed, Victoria pulls Trish down by her hair. Candice sits on top of her, but there's no ref to count - Mickie Jay is telling Mickie to step out of the ring. Candice at least chokes in the meantime. Now MJ's over - one two no. Candice bringing Trish over to ropes to choke her on the ropes. Knee to the back. Candice distracts the ref so Victoria can kick Trish in the face, Candice sits on top again, one two no.  Candice throws Trish in by her hair, steps on Trish, and tags Victoria. Slingshot legdrop, one two NO. Mickie looks worried. Trish's face into the mat. Front facelock. Trish standing back up to her feet. Mickie bouncing on the bottom rope, looking for a tag, and Trish is making her way - tag to Mickie, but the other Mickie was distracted by Candice coming in and missed it. The Mickie's argue as the Purple Girls try a double suplex - but Trish counters it into a double DDT. Can she make a tag?  Slow slow crawl.  Crowd gets behind her. Looks like Victoria is going to stop Trish - ah, she does it by knocking Mickie off the apron. Victoria yells at Mickie to rub it in, and tries a clothesline on Trish - but there's the MaTrish back bend escape. Kick, calling for it, Stratusfaction. One two three. (2:42) Wow, that was easy. Thanks for coming for Mickie James! She didn't get in the match, but she gets the microphone. "Well, Trish, I guess this goodbye. You know, after tonight, you said you wanted time apart, and I promises you had it. Before you go, I just wanted - I just wanted to say goodbye the right way." Uh oh - oh, a handshake, that's fine. Except Mickie doesn't let go, and leans in - and gets a kiss on cheek. Trish isn't too pleased, but Mickie hugs her. Mickie James understands, and turns to leave - or Mick Kick Trish in the head, whatever.  Crowd is a lot more shocked than I'd think they'd be. "YOU DON'T WANT ME? HUH? YOU LOVE ME NOW?" Pulling Trish up, and calling for it - yea, Stratusfaction. I'm no expert, but Mickie looks Stratusfied. Play her music! JR gets to bust out all his crazy descriptions. Replay. Did someone cut Tazz's mic for this segment?

SNME: Shawn Michaels vs Shane McMahon in a street fight

- Gatorade (which takes forever to figure out)
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- BK Tendercrisp Cheesy Bacon (2)
- Aaron's
- NBC: Heist (4)
- NBC: Deal or No Deal (3)
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As seen on WWE Unlimited - Coach talks to Mickie James. "I love Trish Stratus! I mean, I mean, I love you so much! She broke my heart! [crying] DO YOU LOVE ME NOW TRISH STRATUS! But now, I'm going to break YOU!"

Back to the announcers - Tazz still is with us! 
WM21: Vince McMahon vs Shawn Michaels
WM21: Mick Foley vs Edge [street fight]
WM21: Undertaker vs Mark Henry [casket]
WM21: Shelton Benjamin vs RVD vs Ric Flair vs Finlay vs Matt Hardy vs SD! TBD [Monkey in the Bank]
This'll answer the eternal question: "monkey, monkey, who's got the monkey?"
WM21: Chris Benoit vs JBL [US]
WM21: Kane & Big Show vs Carlito & Chris Masters [WORLD TAG]
WM21: Booker T vs Boogeyman - just added!
WM21: Randy Orton vs Kurt Angle vs Rey Misterio [WWE]
WM21: John Cena vs Triple H [WORLD]

Mark Henry (w/Daivari - wearing blue) has new music? I don't pay attention. Let's look at Mark Henry's costing Undertaker the title and the table splash. He's going to call out the Undertaker - next.

SNME is sponsored in part by Silent Hill

- Movie: Silent Hill (trailer)
- Metroid Prime Hunters (2)
- NBC: Cross Jordan
- NBC: Law & Order (2) & Heist (5)

Tazz gets to read the ad copy for Heist this time. Daivari's got something to say. "The World's Strongest Man is not afraid of an undefeated streak. The World's Strongest Man is NOT afraid of a casket! And The World's Strongest Man of YOU, Undertaker!" Henry's got it. "The Undertaker is afraid of ME! Dead man, I will beat YOU at your own game! On everything! I will shove you, into the coffin, if it's the latest thing I-" there's the music. There's some pyro. There's some some machines. Druids brings out a coffin - Mark Henry is telling them to bring it. He's not been notified he's supposed to call it a casket, but okay. Undertaker is out after his men in robes. Mark seems a bit anxious. He's got plenty of time to wait. Undertaker isn't hurrying. We never saw where the druids put down the casket, but they're walking back now - ah, they left it perpendicular to the ring. JR: "[The casket] is reminiscent of the one used for the late, great, 600 pound Yokozuna of many years ago" - I think it would've have sufficed if he just pointed out it's big, personally. Bringing up the lights. JR: "What does Mark Henry have to gain by beating the Undertaker?" Uh. Tazz gets easy answers.  Undertaker really has the bug eyes going today. He's taking off his coat. Taking off his hat. Did Daivari leave? Mark punches first, but Undertaker blocks and gets in about fifty punches.  Mark's not going down, but he's backed up to the corner. Corner whip, Mark out to squash him. Undertaker chant, as he gets back up. Henry stomps him back down.  Henry works Undertaker over with forearms, but stops when Daivari pounds on the steps and waves Mark over. Whip, reversed, and Mark goes into them. Daivari got hurt on the impact - he shouldn't have stood near them. Henry's not backing down, but he is getting boot over the barricade. Undertaker turns to Daivari - goozle, chokeslam onto the casket! Undertaker climbing up on the steps. Standing on the casket and grabbing Daivari. Tombstone on the casket! Make faces for the camera! Play his music. This didn't work so well for Mark Henry. Now JR says Mark has everything to gain out of this match. Tazz: "Thanks for coming, Daivari." King's pretty much off mic for this segment - guess that's how they decided to do these. 

Shawn Michaels is WALKING. That match is next

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- SNL (2)

Lillian Garcia explains the rules of a Street Fight.

Shawn Michaels (San Antonio, TX, no weight) vs Shane McMahon (Greenwich, CT, no weight, w/Vince McMahon) in a street fight - the SNME video screen really isn't as good as I think they planned - it's tough to make out images on the screen. Your ref is Mike. Is Shane's jersey now considered a throwback? Vince actually tries to warn his son, but Shane's still completely unaware when Shawn rushes him and gets him with a forearms. Punches on the stage, which isn't elevated all that much. HBK pounds Shane to the ring. Vince is staying on the stage for the time being. Into the aisle, where Shane goes into a barricade. HBK goes back to the ring and lifts up the apron - it's fully stocked under the ring. Shawn chooses to get a chair - shot to Shane's back. Vince reacts.  Back to the ring for Shawn. Table time. Shane's starting to get up, so HBK walks over and gives him a knee. "WE WANT TABLES!" Table's all set up, so it's back to Shane. Right hand, whip, reversed, and HBK goes hard into the post. Vince is pretty pleased now, and walks down to ringside to shout at Shane. Shane reaches under the ring - another table? A ladder? Shane's wearing sneakers. Shane puts the ladder in the ring while Vince sets up the table near the first one. Shane tries throwing punches. Scoop, and HBK's rammed backfirst into the post twice. Table's all set up, and now Shane's setting up the ladder in the ring. Vince is trying to figure out the plan, but it looks like someone's taking a ride off the ladder into the two tables before the night is up. Shane sets up the ladder over the ropes, as Vince grabs Shawn himself and puts him on the tables. IS Shane going off the ladder thru Shawn? Not now - HBK gives Vince a thumb to the eye, and climbs up the ladder after Shane. They're fighting on opposite sides of the ladder now, and someone's going to fall hard. Vince tries to grab Shawn's legs as he climbs up, but they're just out of reach. Vince climbs on the apron, but Shawn kicks him away. Shawn gets his footing (on a run just under the top rope) and grabs Shane - oh no. SUPERPLEX THRU THE TABLES! Well, this is over. Vince can't believe it. Put Shane on top, Vince! He's too much in shock. "WE NEED SOME HELP! WE NEED SOME HELP! GET OUT HERE!"  (?? 3:53

- Movie: Larry the Cable Guy, Health Inspector (2)
- Ultimate Scrubber (which goes on FOREVER)
- NBC: Law & Order SVU

Back, and improbably - some might say illogically - Shawn and Shane are working a front facelock in the ring. Shawn is in much better shape than Shane, but one punch knocks them both down. Cover, Shawn! He pulls Shane up to slam him down. King fills us in on the break: Vince logically ordered the medics to only work on his son. We've got the ladder (now propped in the corner) and a chair in the ring. Vince is yelling for Shane to get up. Shawn's setting up the ladder in the corner, but he's very much punch drunk. Shawn climbing the ladder. Seated on top. Bad idea? Gathering himself - and getting cranked with a cane by Vince! A second shot sends him to the mat. Both guys are down, so let's replay the superplex thru the tables from a few different angels. Shane's up, grabbing the ladder and not looking hurt (though tired). Shane lifts the ladder above his head, loose shi group, fixes himself, and smashes it in Shawn's back. That could not have felt good. Again? Shane really had a bad hold of it, but drops it good. Vince mocks HBK's bad back. One two NO. Shane's bleeding from a cut on his right cheek. Shane lifts up the ladder again as the crowd chants for HBK. Shane waits for him to get up, and runs him over with the ladder. Cover one two NO. Here's a replay of the ladder to the face. Elbow dropt to the back. Kneeling surfboard? I guess it makes since but what a Velocity move. Vince encourages his son to break Shawn's arm. Shawn trying to rally with the crowd, but the crowd's not quite with him.  Shane stops his comeback with a knee to the back. Here comes the HBK chant. Long time in this hold. Chant's stopped. Will he give up? Are they running short? Shawn shaking and rallying.  Up to his feet, turning it, turning it, got it turned. Shawn cranks in the double arm lock, but drops it to take a shot at Vince on the apron. Vince drops down before he can get hit. Shawn misses a punch on Shane two, and Shane turns it to a floataround DDT with a hitch in it. One two NO. Shane can't believe it. Shane is swearing like crazy, and now he's limping. I think the adrenaline might have worn out in the rest hold. Shane's got a chair. Waiting for Shawn to get up. Waiting for him to turn around - chair to the head. Shawn got his hands up, but he's out. Shane drags him to the corner, and Vince gets the garbage can. (Shawn wakes up enough to hold the can - Vince holds him.) Shane going for the Coast to Coast - Shane jumps, Shawn moves, and Vince gets the garbage can to the face!  He's out! Replay - "Shane's version of that Terminator." Shawn's spurting back to life. Both men up and there's a punch battle. Shawn wins that. Whip, reversed, Shawn gets in a clothesline. Kip up. Inverted atomic drop, big right hand, big right, waving Shane up but he's slow. Slam, headed up. Top rope elbow connects. Time to tune it up. Superkick - connects! One two - Vince pulls out the ref. Well, that's that. Vince yells at Choida, but HBK is out to get him, and bring him in. Shawn in after him, and very angry. Vince on the mat, crawling away. Shane really needs to stop turning over and looking and then going back to being dead. Shawn pulls up Vince by his coat - and Shane low blow uppercuts him from behind. Vince is telling him to do something. Oh, right, of course. Sharpshooter. Vince tells Mark Yeaton (sp?) to ring the bell, and he doesn't argue about it. (9:52, 13:45 total) Vince orders Lillian to make the announcement. "The winner by submission, Shane McMahon." Shane and Vince celebrate, while JR brings up Bret. King things maybe, just maybe, HBK didn't submit. JR gives his heard sell.

WWE Entertainment. That's it.



The Cubs Fan watches way too much watching television - you can read more
of his overly detailed rambling reports at www.thecubsfan.com 

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