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Everybody's Got a Price
April 24, 2006

by The Cubs Fan


So. I was going to do my first ever Under The Stars Heat recap. Just as I was setting up outside, a stray black cat strutted in my direction, took one look, and bolted. If this had happened on Tuesday, I would've thought it to be a terrible omen for the rest of the week. It happened today, so I just decided to go inside. At some point, you just gotta get over it and move on, you know?
We start with - "Hello, I'm Irwin R. Shyster, with more of my seventeen reasons why you should file your tax returns on time. 

Reason 13: if you are late, I'll come after you. 
Reason 14: if I come after you, it'll be like the lying, cheating criminal that you are! Because to me, late filers are nothing 

more than con man, trying to swindle the US Government. And the same goes to all of you who plan to claim more than 2% of your gross income as deductible! Or those who try to sneak in a few business deductions through without fully itemized receipts! You can just forget about it. And forget about trying to find some kind of tax loophole too, because if I get wind that you're trying to do that, I'll see to it that loophole gets tightened right around your neck!"


Live from the Prime Time Wrestling studios, Todd welcomes us to a special edition of Heat. You could say this Heat is money - you can, just try! Todd acts like the (US) income tax deadline is this weekend - I sure hope he doesn't really think that! We have a cha-ching sound effect. 

Money Incorporated vs the Natural Disasters for the WWF Tag Team Championship, Wrestling Challenge, 10/31/1992 (or Prime Time Wrestling, 11/02/1992) - Well, first, we've got Nasty Boys Jerry Sags and reality television's Brian Knobbs out to complain about something or other. Things they'd prefer for us not to notice: ring announcer Rita (in an outfit which hasn't aged too well), the ICOPRO banner. Your announcers, Gorilla Monsoon and Bobby Heenan (hope he's getting paid for this!) explain the story: Jimmy Hart's managing both the Ted Dibiase/IRS Money Inc team. Jimmy was given a title match for one of his teams, so the Nasty Boys are naturally angry they're not getting it. They corner Jimmy, Money Inc. try to help but only get the anger turned towards them. Money Inc. doesn't want a fight before the fight (and Jimmy Hart doesn't want a fight at all), so Ted pulls out a wad of bills from his trunks and offers it to make the peace. Nasty Boys consider it. IRS throws in! Sags and Knobbs count it up and split it up. They take it! And then they attack Money Inc! Simultaneous clotheslines. IRS is sent out, Ted takes a double clothesline. This isn't going to leave them in good shape for the title match. Nasties are happy with both Money Inc guys left laying, so they take off with the money.

Clip! We miss the Disasters working over Dibiase for a bit, which the announcers reference later on.

Your ref is Joey, and this match is already in process. Heenan is screaming for WWF President Jack Tunney to come out here and postpone the match until such time where Money Inc. is 100%, but I don't think it's going to happen. Typhoon slams Ted and heads to the ropes, but Irwin trips him up. Typhoon goes after the tax man, but Ted uses the opening to ax handle him behind.  Ted manages to make the tag to Irwin. Head into the buckle. Right hands. Corner whip, tag to Ted. Kick for Typhoon, and both men thrown Typhoon backwards into the corner. Chops. Head into the buckle. Head into IRS' boot. Tag to bring Irwin back in, and Typhoon  thrown back first into the corner again. IRS moving pretty well for a man who was grabbing his knee before, Monsoon notes. Snap mare, elbow drop on Typhoon. One, big kickout. Irwin trying a suplex? Heenan's doesn't like the idea, and for good reason - it's blocked, blocked, and then Typhoon does it himself. Can Typhoon make the tag? Tag to Ted, tag to Earthquake. Ted wants no part of this. His punch blocked, and Earthquake landing his. There's another, and another, and a jumping kick. Corner whip, back elbow on the rebound. Irwin in, and he take san atomic drop, flying out of the ring on impact. Scoop, powerslam by Earthquake. Elbow drop. Calling to end this - but out come the Headshrinkers? You youngsters may be confused by the multiple tag team feuds at the same time here. Why are they wearing Demolition outfits? Who can say. Typhoon decides the best option is to yell at them, and Earthquake decides the best option is to watch Typhoon to yell. Money Inc., no fools, give Eartrhquake a double clothesline to the back, and then throw him into the corner at a high rate of speed; Earthquake topples out of the ring, and into the guardrail! (That was quite the oversell.) Earthquake hit the rail head first. Coincidentally, I'm sure, the Headshrinkers have seen enough of this one and hit the road.

Clip! This one was originally here.

Earthquake is back in, but fading to an Irwin sleeper. He's got enough in him to back into the corner, knocking IRS loose but still allowing him to tag in Ted. Million Dollar Dream! Or at least a modified version. Earthquake fading, now rallying, and knocking Ted into the corner. Again, Money Inc. is able to make the tag and IRS reapplies the sleeper. That's not on too tight, but Earthquake is fading, even if the crowd is trying to chant him up. He is up! He's moving towards his corner, but only makes it halfway, rams Irwin in again, and collapses. Irwin is hurting, but he makes the tag before Earthquake can get going, and Dibiase puts the Million Dollar Dream back on. Quake is down, Quake is up, Quake is fading, Quake is down. One arm drop. His eyes are closed. Two arm drop. Three - well, they didn't even really pick up all the way, but Quake is out (504-1059) Ladies and gentlemen, we have new champions. Jimmy Hart goes nuts and gives the belts to the new champs. Heenan: "This is GREAT!"

Backlash: HBK/God vs Vince/Shawn

IRS: "I'm reminded of a quote from Benjamin Franklin, who said, 'In the world, only two things are certain: death and taxes.' Hahaha. Well Ben was right, he died and YOU still have to file a tax return. So let me give you advice; don't try pulling a fast one. None of this claiming thousands of dollars of unreimbursed medical expenses! Haven't you people ever heard of generic drugs? Maybe you should just forget about a refund and start being honest, for a change."    

Todd pats himself on the back for a segue, then recaps the 1-2-3 Kid/Razor Ramon storyline. He reminds us about the ante going up and up, to $10,000. [cha-ching]

Razor Ramon (Miami, FL, 287 pounds) vs 1-2-3 Kid (Minneapolis, MN, 225 pounds) for $10,000 of Razor Ramon's money, RAW, 06/21/1993 - I hope on a future theme week Heat, we get the best of three falls Jannety/Doink match from this show! Razor helpfully has a bag with "$10,000" printed on it. There's really quite limited uses for that sort of bag. Your announcers are Vince, Savage, and Heenan. Where's the 1-2-3 Kid? What an awful name that was, you know? Finkel announces the Kid at 225 pounds, and he may not be half of that at this point. Kid manages to enter without being seen, which is a neat trick. Kid's still wearing his Lightening Kid gear - maybe he'll be able to afford some new stuff if he wins! Your ref is Earl Hebner, I think. He's checking the bag. Kid stick on the apron, afraid he'll get attack if he comes in. Razor comes after him anyway, Kid evades a punch, smashes his head into the turnbuckle, and heads up as the bell rings. Top rope sunset flip one two NO. "Yes! He got him! He got him! No he didn't!" Razor misses a clothesline, and Kid hits a wheel kick. Kick to side, jumping heel kick, whip, reversed, Razor misses another clothesline, cross body caught and Razor gives him the fallaway slam - looks a lot different than later years. Kid thrown into the corner while the crowd chants for him. Chop. Razor throws him across the ring. Whip, bad clothesline but Kid spins crazy form it to make it look good. Elbow drop. Stomp. Whip, hiptoss blocked, Kid hiptoss blocked, Kid with the light heavyweight flip escape (ahead of his time!), Razor chokeslams him anyway. Razor mocks the 1-2-3 chant. Kid ain't moving. Vince calls Razor out for not covering him - nah, Razor would rather put on his ankle pick abdominal stretch variant. Kid doesn't give, but he doesn't do much another. Razor drops him, ties his legs, and paintbrushes him in the back of the head over and over. Kid's not giving up to that either. Shoulder powerslam. Stomp.  Stomp. Kid trying to fight up, but no effect. Razor setting up Kid on the top rope - back superplex! Razor calls for it. Oozing with Machismo count: 2. Razor throws the Kid out and follows him there. Oh, he's pulling up the mats. He's going to end the Kid for good. Actually, he sets up on a hard place to make that dream come true - but a good place for Razor to get backdropped on to the mats that are left, so that's what Kid does. Kid goes up, all the way up - top rope OW, he slipped and didn't make it to Razor, hitting the floor. I don't think that's what he had in mind. Razor checks on Kid, and decides hes' good enough to throw back in. Razor picks up the kid. Chop. The announcers are under the belief that Kid gets the $10,000 grand just for showing up here, so maybe I'm off. Corner whip, corner charge, Kid moves out the way - moonsault bodyblock one two NO! That's how he won last time, but he didn't hit it square enough this time. Kid - dives down and grabs the money. He's taking the bag and getting out of there. Razor realizes it and chases Kid - Kid runs off and out of the arena. There's a quick countout (CO 5:16) as Kid jumps into a waiting car, which speeds off and leaves Ramon yelling in the street.  

"Here are IRS's reasons why you should pay your taxes. Reason #78: So the rich don't have to work so hard."

"Here are IRS's reason why people are such bad tax cheats. Reason #114: You feel that the government owes you for your miserable existence!"

"Here's what could happen if IRS catches you on your taxes. Reason #57: I will call your boss and make them garnish your wages, and cancel your health insurance!" 

Todd take us all the way back to WM 1 for the Body Slam challenge, and explains the basic rules: a slam and $15,000 for Andre, or Andre retires.

Gene talks to Bobby Heenan and Big John Studd. Studd: "Oh, man, this bag is heavy, man, this is what it was all about, $15,000 that we used for bait. John Studd, the only wrestling giant of wrestling, seven foot plus, nearly 400 pounds of solid muscle! And this is what we wanted, to prove to the whole world that I am a giant. In a few short moments, you're going to see me in the ring, and you're going to see the last match of Andre the Giant, because he retires when he can't do it." Gene notes that's a lot of money (for a WWF bookbag, too!) Bobby: "Keep your hands to yourself, pal. For $15,000 and a haircut, we're eliminating Andre the Giant from professional wrestling today. A lot of glad handers around here. [to Gene] Keep your hands out of there, pal! Only two people are going to see this money, that's Studd and myself. Oh, three, the people at the bank when we deposit it - but not the Giant, he's retired! He's done! And don't you touch our money

Andre the Giant (Grenoble, France, 476 pounds) vs Big John Studd (already in the ring) in a $15,000 bodyslam retirement match from Wrestlemania I - your announcers are Ventura and Monsoon. Monsoon seems to think $15,000 is a small price for Andre's career. Your ref is - actually, I don't know this ref. Studd attacks Andre, the bigger man, before the bell. Lots of strikes by Studd, and then Andre knocks him around with chops, a headbutt, and a kick. Studd goes out to talk to Heenan. Studd in no hurry to get back in. Studd in, and chokes in the corner by Andre. Long choke, cranking him around. Right hand. Knee to the head. Right. Choke. Andre using his back to batter Studd in the corner. Studd with a questionably low knee and tries to slam Andre, but no. Andre knees him. Chop. Bearhug. Crowd chanting SLAM, but they're not going to see it yet. Andre wearing it down with a bearhug. Studd tries to eye rake free, but it doesn't work quite yet. For some reason, they wait till after the bearhug to clip the match. Studd still ahead on a bearhug. Monsoon notes that Andre loses if this goes to a time limit draw. Whip, Andre puts his head down too soon, Studd kicks, Andre stands back up and catches this kick. I'm thinking we're not getting an enziguri here. Punch to the head. More strikes. Andre corners Studd again and gives him some chops. Studd turns to talk to Heenan, and gets more kicks for his trouble. Andre picks up Studd, and slams him. It's over like that. (5:13) Andre wants the money, and he gets the bad - and he's tossing the money to the crowd. Heenan grabs the money bag and runs off. Andre almost gets a hold of Studd before he leaves, but they both take off. Replays; they tell the story that the boots softened up Studd for the slam.

Backlash: three way.

Todd - is a goof. He also tries to transition from Andre vs Studd to the first Money in the Bank ladder match. 

Money in the Bank match, WreslteMania XXI. This is joined in progress, as Shelton is giving Edge a T-Bone off the ladder. I'm going to skip play by play on this one; you might have seen it. (8:18)

Todd wraps up by talking about Edge winning the title with the MitB shot, which is part of the reason while we're having this match at Backlash. Todd reveals he knows all the tax references are about a week out of date, and says goodbye.

IRS: "Well well well, the fifteen has come and gone, and you've missed the filing deadline. Congratulations, you've joined the long list of tax evaders, cheats, and small time hoodlums who just don't know what it means to be honest. Well, you ought to be ashamed. And don't give me any excuses like 'I mailed it off two weeks ago!' or 'My husband just had a massive coronary and was in the hospital.' My heart bleeds for you! You people are as dishonest as the ledger sheet is long. Fortunately, there are still some people in this county who are on the up and up! [checks the return on his desk] Wait a minute, no signature? Maybe this guy's got something to hide too! [stamps AUDIT]"




The Cubs Fan watches way too much watching television - you can read more
of his overly detailed rambling reports at www.thecubsfan.com 

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