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An Extremely Tepid Debut
June 14, 2006

by The Cubs Fan


short version of long complaint: either my cable gets fixed, or this is likely one and only time I'm watching this show (and even now, it's via a torrent.) Ain't ECW's fault and I'm not taking it out of them.
Cena RAW clips to open? 

ECW open - this is TV 14 DLSV, which I guess is as far as it'll go. As with the ECW vs WWE special, this footage seems mostly culled from the Two Night Stands, but there's recent ECW vs WWE footage and stuff like Dreamer being chokeslammed thru many tables by Brian Less if you 

look quickly enough - I guess the video quality ain't up to WWE standards. This is "Let the Bodies Hit The Floor"

but the WWE standard crowd panning shots are done to "Theme from ECW". FIREWORKS - is this really ECW? They still must be getting the kinks out of things, because we start with Paul Heyman walking to the ring rather than standing in the middle of it. We are live in Trenton, NJ, and your announcers for ECW on Sci Fi #1 are Tazz and Joey Styles. They remind us who has the belt.

Heyman: "Ladies and gentlemen, it's my honor and privilege to introduce to you, ROB VAN DAM." And there he is, Rob Van Dam, with the belt (though not a title indication on his graphic - I'm sure they're working on it.) Note the ECW logo in the bottom corner of the screen where the WWE symbol usually. RVD making sure everyone sees the belt. Joey makes the "greatest wrestler never to be world champion" point I'd hope they'd make; assuming he's right, who does that leave now? Think about it later, RVD has something to say.

"[to Paul] Thank you [to fans] and thank YOU. You all saw it, the other night, at One Night Stand, I defeated John Cena. [mixed?] And won this! [title - you can hear the boos] Say hello to your new champion, Points To Self! You know, John Cena said he was going to show up here tonight, Paul. ["Really?" Mixed here] You know, that's awesome, I hope he comes to our premiere, and does the right thing, and helps us celebrate. 'Cause I'm extremely excited about being The Champion of the New E-C-W!" 

Joey hits the ungodly "the new breed unleashed" slogan

Heyman: "That's a very good point. Because, Rob, you did beat John Cena for the ECW Title, but Rob, it's my honor and privilege, to present you with something I've known for a long time you would one day hold [he's trying to get something out of a bag] Rob Van Dam [he's struggling to get it out of the bag - there we go], I present you with the New ECW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP!" 

Heyman gives RVD the belt. RVD takes a good look at it and holds it up. He puts that belt around his right shoulder, with the spinner belt still around his left as the announcers gush. Fans aren't as into generally, though there are some loud people.

RVD: "Honestly, I can't think of a greater honor in my career than this right here."

Heyman: "I understand. What are you going to do with [the spinner belt]?"

RVD: "Obviously I accept this [the new belt] and cherish it - but I want to keep this one [the spinner] too. ["WHAT?"] I can pull it off. Look, this is the ECW World Championship, and I will wear it proudly. And look at this one, it spins! [mixed reaction - and some music.]

Heyman introduces Edge and Lita as they come to ringside. If they have the SmackDown! set up, they're doing a fine job of concealing it - they're using a side entrance thru the ECW set like at the versus show. Nice of ECW to let him use his WWE music. ECW announcers - who are seated facing the camera - love Edge now. Let's see how that goes.

Edge [acting like a normal human being?]: "Paul, I want to personally thank you for inviting us. And Rob, I just want to tell you, no matter what I think of ECW personally, I respect you. We got a lot more in common then you might think. We both won the Money in the Bank ladder match, we both cashed it in and won the championship. You and me, we broke the glass ceiling, and we did it because of our abilities. So I wanted to tell you that it's going to be great to face you and tear the house down at Vengeance. " Shake? Well, if RVD can free an arm to do so. And that goes without incident. Shake with Lita too. Edge is done already? Thanks for coming! Oh, wait, forget the SPEAR. Done goes RVD. Edge points to himself as Heyman and the announcers are horrified. Edge and Lita prefer to leave thru the crowd. Edge and Lita are taunting from the other side of the barricade, though signs are in the way. There we go, that's a better angle - it also shows you John Cena sneaking up behind them. He's taking his time, and now Edge might have realized it. Cena strikes first, and strikes only. Punches, and Edge's thrown back in the ring. Cena has his usual cheers - it's a usual WWE crowd. Edge's head visits the new ECW desk as the announcers move away. RVD getting in the middle - so he can punch Edge himself. Cena doesn't like that and shoves RVD away. RVD returns the shove, and soon they're starting at each other instead of Edge. Edge knocks them both down, and drops RVD with a low blow before taking off thru the crowd again. Cena just punched Heyman! He was just sorta in Cena's way towards the back - announcers sell the greatness of the punch rather than their boss getting punked, but whatever. The ECW Locker Room is out now, but everyone from RAW is long gone.

Sci Fi TV: Countdown to Doomsday
Sci Fi TV: Android Apocalypse
Movie: Clik
Burger King Extreme Spicy Thundercrisp
Sci Fi
ITT Tech School of Criminal Justice (local?)

ECW Live - they don't quite make it to 07/04 here.

Backstage, Heyman is talking with his goons - uh, I mean the locker room. "How dare they! How dare Edge ruin the celebration? And how dare, how dare John Cena screw with ECW like this? This is fine - if this they want to play, if this is how they want to play, if this is how Monday Night RAW wants to play with ECW, then this is how it's going to be! If Monday Night RAW wants to teach us, and bring Monday Night RAW to ECW, then we'll bring ECW to Monday Night RAW! This Monday, this coming Monday, we're going to show up on Monday Night RAW, and I'm not going alone, and I'm bringing E-C-W!" Everyone chant!

the Zombie (no hometown, no weight) vs you outta know - Hmmmmmm. The Zombie's doing the slow zombie walk for all it's worth. Joey assures us this isn't ECW or Sci Fi's idea. Hey, your ring announcer is Justin Roberts and good for him. I think that's the Mysterious Referee that's been haunting me the last few months too, but I could be wrong. In other irrelevant notes, the ring posts are silver, the ropes and buckles are black, and they've got an (old) ECW logo mat down. Time for the Zombie to cut a promo. "[makes Zombie noises for 30 seconds]" Tazz: "Alrighty then." That music which sounds nothing like Metalica can only mean one thing!

the Zombie vs the Sandman (no introduction) - I'm sure, somedays, these two guys have been tag partners. There's your beer, there's your blood. I hope he pours the beer for the 8 year old kid! CANE TO THE HEAD before the bell even rings, and then eight more while he's already down. White Russian Legsweep (called!) one two three. (:18) I hope you have Sandman on your fantasy team! I don't know if you want call Sandman "New Breed", Tazz, but whatever. Zombie looks like he's making a mistake of crawling away, but we're going to look at replays and hope Sandman doesn't try to kill him again. As we return, Sandman is indeed caning Zombie all the way to the entrance and the announcers are sure that's the last we've seen of him.

Standing, and waiting quite a while for her cue, it's "Hi, my name is Kelli. I'm an exhibitionist. Which means, I'm going to take off all my clothes, for you, tonight." And again we stare at her for a bit.

DX @ Vengeance ad

Sci Fi TV: Bats
Movie: Nacho Libre - why couldn't they have tried a Super Astros brand?
BellSouth (local)
Discover Boating DOT com
Geico Motorycycle (local?)
Geico Motorycycle (local?)
Sci Fi: Stargate SG-1 DVD

Stock exterior shot as Joey and Tazz introduce clips of
ONS: Tazz vs Lawler, the whole thing (3:47)

ECW's Kurt Angle (no hometown, no weight, one gold medal and clips of his match with Randy Orton) vs Justin Credible (Ozone Park, NY, 225 pounds) - hey, his old music? Justin's, not Kurt. Justin should've brought his cane. Justin decides the best option is to right after Kurt, and gets taken down. So much for that. Kurt rides his back, wrenches his head, and crossface forearms him back. Announcers are building Justin up as Kurt's ripping him apart. Kurt cranking Justin's head - he gets the ropes, and he get as kneelift. Justin charges Kurt, clothesline misses, and Kurt kills him with a fisherman's suplex. Kurt lifts Justin out, and tosses him over the top with ease. Justin hurting, but give him credit for coming back in. Kurt picks him up with a single leg, and throws him again. Rear mount, and slapping and grinding Justin's head. Crossface forearm thrown in there. Justin's gets one arm pinned underneath Kurt's knee, but mangos to grab the bottom rope with the partners. Justin's ticked and shoves Kurt, which may be a mistake - Angle headbutt! Justin taken down onto his back again, and Angle applies a rear choke - that's it. (1:46) Justin tapping up, but Kurt takes his time letting go as Tazz notes chokes are legal. 

Kurt's got something to say? First, he's got to take out his ECW mouthpiece, next, he's got to kick out Justin. Now: "Randy Orton, ECW rules, WWE rules, no rules at all - I'm going to do the same exact thing to you at Vengeance as I did at One Night Stand - I'm going to make your ass tap out! 'cause you're looking at the face of the new E-C-W!" There's a good shot of the mouthpiece. Replay of the headbutt and the rear choke.

Backstage, Paul talks to - me, I guess. "You want extreme? You want to feel extreme? You want to learn what extreme is all about? Tonight, I'm going to show you extreme. Tonight, everything I planned is out the window! I'm going to take 10 of ECW's best, and they're going to out for an extreme battle royal! Anything goes! You want to take about extreme - all weapons legal, and the winner, the winner of this extreme battle royal is going to face John Cena at Vengeance. Almost as importantly, is going to join us this Monday Night, when ECW takes this fight to Monday Night RAW!" Paul planned something? Tazz and Joey are aghast and thrilled at the same time.

"Hi, Coming up next is me, Kelli. And, I'm going to show you all of my exhibits[?]"

Sci Fi TV: Countdown to Doomsday
Sci Fi TV: Doctor Who Marathon
Seadoo Films
Movie: Superman Returns
Capital One

The Rise and Fall of ECW (the Book) - here, they can show the old clips. 

We gaze at the Sovereign Bank Arena giant sign - and at someone gazing at that sign. Who appears to have vampire teeth and wacky facial hair. Announcers are properly "WTF?"

Joey and Edge recap the events of the top of the hour, and we see it again in clips. They keep calling him "ECW Representative", whatever that means.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome Kelli." She's not headed to the ring, but up to a very small stage in front of a curtain. Her skirt (or thick belt) is covering so little, she's not really revealing much more by taking it off, but she does anyway. Some generic diva theme is playing. There goes her top. The ring ain't broken, but this feels like a homage to that other strip show; I wonder if we'll hear about it forever too. Kelli's reaching for her bra, so I guess we're waiting for something to happen. She's facing away from the camera and trying to unsnap her bra, which is either difficult or stalling. Difficult; she doesn't take it off, but she turns around, covering herself (and her pasties, one would assume) with only her hands. And that's - that? Huh I don't think she's as exhibitionist as she thought. Tazz: "I never seen anything like that!" Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. 

Tommy Dreamer (Yonkers, NY, 265 pounds) vs Sabu (Bombay, India, 220 pounds) vs people who probably don't matter (and the Big Show) in a Extreme Battle Royal, the winner to fight John Cena at Vengeance - Dreamer has his WWE ripoff. Sabu is slow to actually appear. He's got heavily taped ribs. 

ONS Replay
Burger King Extreme Spicy Thundercrisp
Sci FI
Sweeny's car dealership (local!)
First Place Bank (local!)

Tommy Dreamer vs Sabu vs Roadkill (no entrance) vs Danny Doring (no entrance) vs Al Snow (partial entrance, w/Head) vs Steven Richards (Philadelphia, PA, 230 pounds) vs Little Guido & Tony Mamaluke (w/Big Guido and Trinity?) vs Balls Mahoney (Nutley, NJ, 361 pounds) vs Big Show (507 pounds) in a Extreme Battle Royal, the winner to fight John Cena at Vengeance - I'd expected more guys during the break. Steven has his "I'll Show You!" music. Someone's loaded up the garbage cans at ringside. They don't actually remember to give Trinity a name, but her Swiss cheese outfit is hard to miss. FBI have Nunzio's music, Balls has a WWE-variant of his song, and Big Show has a new theme and fireworks, because he's going to win this match. So, it's a battle royal. Half the guys leave the ring, and since Show isn't one of them, that's probably a good idea. Show throws people out, but throws them thru the ropes, so no good for him. Road Kill's picked up, and gets a fallaway slam. Break already? (:42)

Sci Fi TV: Countdown to Doomsday
Sci Fi TV: Doctor Who Marathon
Movie: Nacho Libre
Sci Fi: Stargate SG-1 DVD
Sci Fi
Liberty Medical
tonight on SciFi

We resume in mid Balls chant, but it's done. Joey notes that no one has gone out. Tommy may go out, if he keeps trying to hit Show with weapons. We isolate on the Big Show on Dreamer while eight people do what eight people do. No one's bleeding, no one's bringing out untame weapons; this is much more (ridiculed) WWF Hardcore than it is ECW, but you should expect as much. Little Guido hits and runs from Show, so he goes back to Dreamer. Lots of tray and lid shots to the head. Is Big Guido actually in this match? That makes 11! Tazz, on the battle royal: "This is what makes us better than them!" Balls tries Show and pays for it. Sabu's on the outside, and he's setting up a table. Point. Everyone tries hitting Show with metal objects, but he's not going down and they all just disperse. Big Guido tries his luck, but Show's still not going down. He's taking a lot of fun things. Al tries a Head butt - and he gets caught and thrown out. (2:47) Al has had no luck with Head. Doring over to Show, Doring going. (2:54) Everyone staying away form Show, so Show has to grab someone to fight. Steven gets a double choke and thrown out (3:20) Hopefully he didn't get hurt! Raoadkill tries a cookie sheet. Bye. (3:30) Balls tries a trash can, but Show kicks him and then kinda/sorta gives him a cobra clutch slam onto the trash can. No lift. Needs work. This match no longer has Balls. (3:48) Scott's going to be so ticked Show didn't punch a chair. Dreamer's opts to hammer Show with a road sign a million billion times. It does get Show down to one knee in the corner, but that's not going to work. Dreamer calls Sabu over and goes to his knees - Air Sabu, but Show catches him and throws him. Did Sabu hang on to the ropes? Yea, he's on the apron, but hurting. Show ignores and goes to Dreamer; press slam out onto the table. (4:25) It wasn't really ECW till Dreamer jobbed. Big Guido (I guess he's in) is busying himself with Sabu, leaving Tony Mamaluke and Little Guido to Big Show, and that goes how it always goes in WWE. Guido ends up chokeslamed onto Mamaluke, and Show is actually pretty gentle in eliminating Tony. (5:10) Not so much for Little Guido (5:13) ***BIG*** Guido and ***BIG*** Show and Sabu are left, and so they do the Big standoff as Sabu runs around ringside doing something. Show ends up clotheslining Guido out (5:37), but Guido stands there and tries to yank out Show. Show ain't going, but he is standing there and doing nothing - see, Sabu's about 10 seconds behind on his prop setup. Double jump chairshot to Show's back finally tumbles him over. (5:46) Not often you can compare Sabu compared to Ric Flair, but that was quite the Royal Rumble finish. Sabu takes on John Cena at Vengeance - good for Sabu? Show throws around left over stuff and angrily stares at Sabu. Replay of Show taking out 9 of the 11 men in this match. They make the pause look not as long in replays; good for them.

Joey and Tazz hard sell ECW on RAW. And that's it.

This was pretty much exactly what I thought it'd be - and it's something I won't miss missing. 



The Cubs Fan watches way too much watching television - you can read more
of his overly detailed rambling reports at www.thecubsfan.com 

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