OO TV/Event Recaps: Jakked/Metal (Pro Wrestling News, Analysis, and Commentary... WWF, WCW, ECW, The Rock, Steve Austin, RVD, Undertaker, Triple H)

JAKKED RECAP
12/1: The Return of the
Brooklyn Brawler!
December 4, 2001

by Jonny X
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

Welcome to Jakked. I am your recapper Jonny X. You
might have read my previous work on the now defunct
World Parody Federation or currently on The Ring Post
(www.theringpost.com). If not, I encourage you to do
so. I'd like to give big ups to Rick for the job here,
as well as to Barbwire Mike for the job at The Ring
Post. I would also like to shout out to The 7th Level
for my first ever opportunity in the online writing
world. All of your generosity is much appreciated. On
to Jakked...

Jakked comes to you taped from wherever RAW was, and
the intro features a bunch of guys you'll never see on
this show. Your hosts are Jonathan Coachman and Chris
Leary. I remember when Coach debuted, but Leary's
comeuppance is still a mystery to me.

Spike Dudley VS Tajiri w/Torrie Wilson
Hell yeah! I sure miss Tajiri which is one of the main
reasons I chose to recap Jakked. Spike and Tajiri do a
mat wrestling sequence to start and each gain nothing.
They try yet again trading hammerlocks with the net
result still zero. Finally a bodyslam and a standing
moonsault get two for Tajiri. Tajiri unloads the
chops, but Spike comes back with an inverted atomic
drop. Tajiri regains the control with a rolling leg
lock, and a second one. He follows with a butterfly
suplex, but Spike gains control with a modified spear
and a bulldog. A nice cradle of some sort gets two.
Irish whip leads to a handspring elbow by Tajiri that
only garners a two count. Spike sets up for a Dudley
Dawg, but Tajiri counters into the Tarantula. Kick to
the head finishes it for Tajiri. Match was okay if a
bit disconnected.

Jakked then goes to its mainstay: the recap of shows
that matter. Stone Cold refuses to kiss Vince
McMahon's ass and consequently gets beat down by Not
the Alliance. As "punishment" Stone Cold is forced
into a strap match with William Regal. Punishment
should be a match that Stone Cold, might actually, you
know, lose or get hurt. But whatever, strap matches
suck.

Undertaker's Creed video shows next. Apparently
Undertaker's yard is not actually the ring, but rather
Vince McMahon's ass.

Scotty II Hotty VS Sho Funaki
One guess as to who goes over in this match. I'm
amazed Funaki still has a job at this point as he has
become this generation's version of Iron Mike Sharpe
without all the grunting. The WWF released K-Kwik
despite the fact that K-Kwik is about a zillion times
more marketable to Americans than Funaki ever will be.
Anyway, wristlock sequence starts as Scotty follows in
with a backdrop suplex and a moonwalk. I do indeed
mean the dance move. Funaki tosses Scotty and hits his
own moonwalk, only much shittier. And much to his
chagrin, Scotty didn't actually get tossed, but hung
on to the top rope. He climbs back in and
congratulates Funaki on his continued employment (I
think) and kicks him in the gut. They brawl for a
while until Funaki gains control with an illegal
choke. Big neckbreaker and a double stomp get two for
Funaki. He heads up for something off the second rope,
but misses. Scotty quickly follows with the bulldog
and THE ONLY MOVE MORE RIDICULOUS THAN THE PEOPLE'S
ELBOW, THE FREAKING WORM which is brilliantly called
by Coach as "Ohh!" 1,2,3 and Funaki jobs yet again.

Recap of Undertaker revealing himself as grand salad
tosser of the WWF. He indoctrinates JR into the club
as well making him kiss Vince's naked ass. JR must
have a clause in his contract stating that he cannot
look good in Oklahoma. I'll bet it's in the fine
print. Then on Smackdown, Undertaker powerbombed RVD
through a garbage can and got all up in his grill.

Perry Saturn VS Brooklyn Brawler
Wow. Steve Lombardi is on my television again. He's
been around since 1987 and to show us that, displays
some boring offense. Saturn eventually wins with the
Rings of Saturn.

Final recap as the Brothers Hardy lose to quite
possibly the most boring tag team this side of the
Allied Powers, Kane and Big Show when That Disgusting
Slut Lita's interference backfires. Matt and Jeff then
proceed to have the dumbest fucking fallout in the
history of dumb fallouts setting up their match at
Vengeance.

X-Pac guest hosts Sunday Night Heat giving me yet
another reason not to watch that show. Test takes on
Spike Dudley, and I'll see you next week. Peace out.

E-MAIL JONNY X

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