OO TV/Event Recaps: Jakked/Metal (Pro Wrestling News, Analysis, and Commentary... WWF, WCW, ECW, The Rock, Steve Austin, RVD, Undertaker, Triple H)

JAKKED RECAP
12/8: When Perry Saturn locks up with
the Ref, Humor is Afoot!
December 11, 2001

by Jonny X
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

Welcome back to Jakked in the Jonny X era. Jakked used
to be my favorite show on WWF programming, but now
it's returned to its former days of crap. As recently
as a month ago, Jakked was the only place you could
see Raven, Tajiri, Kidman, and the rest of Kool and
the Gang. Although, that threesome conjures up images
more of a Village People nature. Anyway, Jakked kind
of sucks now and that upsets me because I recap it.
Let's see what they bring to the table this week...

Your hosts are the best duo this side of Regis and
Kathie Lee, Jonathan Coachman and Chris Leary.

We jump right into the action as Leary and Coach sign
on to introduce...

Sho Funaki VS Crash Holly
Crash is sporting some new swank red tights while
Funaki still looks kind of like a girl in that cutoff
shirt and 5th grade haircut. They start off with a
hammerlock sequence followed by a wristlock sequence
that Funaki eventually gets the better of. Crash
teases a test of strength (yeah, that's like watching
a dick sucking contest between a nun and a librarian),
but frustrates Funaki and kicks him in the gut. Crash
follows with a satellite headscissors. Funaki springs
back up and offers a handshake to which Crash replies
with a bite to the hand. Great, comedy spots. Crash
bounds off the ropes, but Funaki catches him with a
hot shot which signifies Funaki's turn on offense. He
nails a bulldog and then hits the sleeper. A sleeper?
This is Jakked for Christ's sake, not WrestleMania 3.
Crash escapes, but this time he is the one who catches
a shot in the gut. Funaki continues the assault with a
suplex, a backdrop suplex and some other boring stuff
that fails to keep my attention. Crash finally turns
the tide with an inadvertant headbutt to the junk of
Funaki. He quickly finishes with a surprise rollup.
That match sucked all kinds of ass. Crash did well
enough, but Funaki seems really unmotivated. Maybe
it's time for a trip to Pat Patterson for some of that
"career rejuvenation."

Drowning Pool is probably the worst band I've heard in
a very long time. The only band that's close in terms
of suckitude is Disturbed. Whoo! A-a-a-a! Great song
fellas, you've managed to imitate an orangutan.

Recap city, baby! Kurt Angle double crosses the
Alliance, Vince tries to award him the title, Flair is
the consortium, unification of titles is desired, 4
men, 3 matches, 2 titles, 1 champion. Contact!

Chuck Palumbo & Billy Gunn VS Skull Crusher & Ted
Anderson
I think Chuck Palumbo needs a bigger size of undies.
His boys look like they'd be screaming for mercy!
Palumbo and Skull Crusher start. Before we really get
going, how generic is the name Skull Crusher? Why not
just put on a mask and call yourself The Machine, or
Dr. X, or Fury or something. I'll bet his seven
year-old nephew named him Skull Crusher. If he didn't,
someone is trying way too hard. It's like my dad says,
"If you don't think too well, don't think too much."
Palumbo starts with a flurry of elbows and tags Billy
Gunn. Skull Crusher escapes and tags Ted Anderson who
looks like Wade from 7 degrees Celsius. Billy press
slams him and promptly tags out to take a
well-deserved break from all that exhaustion. Before
he passes out though, he and Chuck do a neat-o little
reverse Hart Attack move while Skull Crusher stands
outside like a knob. Palumbo does more stuff and tags
Billy back in who misses a Stinger splash. Skull
Crusher makes his presence known as he and Ted cut
the ring off and Billy magically journeys back to the
land of ass-in-peril. Billy finally turns the tide
with a tilt-a-whirl slam and makes the hot tag to
Palumbo while Skull Crusher gets the cold tag. Jungle
Kick and Fameasser finish it.

Last Thursday a parade of asses was on Smackdown. If
you missed it, consider yourself lucky, I won't
subject you to it here.

Perry Saturn VS Mike Blatnick
Saturn locks up with the ref for the fourth week in a
row. See, he's crazy. So it's funny. I think. Anyway,
Coach and Leary make fun of Blatnick's physique and
his jobber status which pisses me off. At least he's
on TV, which in his first second of camera time, he's
already gotten more exposure than Chris Leary. I said
that to my roommate to which he replied, "Who's Chris
Leary?" proving my point beautifully. And at least
he's not a human wasteland like Coachman. Coachman is
a mere notch on the bedpost of idiot announcers Vince
has hired in the same template. Greg DeGeorge, Tony
Schiavone, Sean Mooney, Joe Fowler, Stan Lane, Todd
Pettengill, and Michael Cole all came before his dumb
crustache sporting ass. The only requisite, I guess,
is to have no knowledge of wrestling, and appear
really, really stupid. Saturn begins the match by
working the arm real good like until Blatnick works in
some "That is whack!" and "Bling! Bling!" offense.
Saturn responds with a slingshot legdrop and t-bone
suplex. Rings of Saturn brings the pain and the end of
Blatnick's TV exposure. Saturn puts it on him again
after the bell just for fun.

Matt, Jeff and That Disgusting Slut Lita continue
their weird little sideshow feud which will take them
into the PPV. Matt looks like a monkey man with
arrested development. Jeff looks like the kid on the
seven train John Rocker tried to describe a few years
ago. And Lita looks like something out of the twisted
mind of Rob Zombie. As far as I'm concerned, these
three weirdoes deserve each other.

Vengeance comes at you, well, yesterday. But go ahead
and order it anyway. It'll make the WWF happy. For
Harvey the Rabbit and The Human Wasteland, I'm Jonny
X. See you next week!

E-MAIL JONNY X
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