OO TV/Event Recaps: Jakked/Metal (Pro Wrestling News, Analysis, and Commentary... WWF, WCW, ECW, The Rock, Steve Austin, RVD, Undertaker, Triple H)

JAKKED RECAP
12/15: These Guys are Tough Enough!
December 17, 2001

by Jonny X
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

I'm Jonny X, and I watch Jakked so you don't have to.
Let's face it, me, the guy on 411, and GP Ryan are the
only guys in the world who watch Jakked. So you NEED
this recap.

Your hosts once again are The Human Wasteland and
Harvey the Rabbit. Hey, one good reason for missing
Jakked is so you don't have to hear them call every
move with "Oh!" or the ever popular, "Ohhh!!!" That
one reason alone makes me not want to watch Jakked,
and I'm the goddamn recapper.

Al Snow VS Sho Funaki
Al comes out to Tough Enough music, wearing a Tough
Enough shirt, and tags the hands of the Tough Enough
kids. I think that Tough Enough show on MTV has
something to do with this match. Al wrestles Funaki
down real good and then drops an elbow on Funaki's
back as he runs over the top of him. You really don't
see enough of that. It's great psychology. Al follows
with a clothesline, but Funaki turns the tide with two
boots off of a blind charge by Al, then proceeds with
a bulldog. That doesn't last long as Al recovers
during Funaki's gloating and nails him with a crotch
suplex. For those wondering, a crotch suplex is like
the one Steve Blackman used to do minus the kendo
stick. Funaki regains control with a satellite
headscissors (or Sputnik scissors, as I like to call
it)and TAKA's seated dropkick. He goes to shake Li'l
Naitch's hand, but Li'l Naitch is too cool for that
and pulls his hand away. This allows Al to lock Funaki
into the dreaded trapping headbutts, and finish the
match with the Snowplow. It was alright, but Funaki
wrestles the same match every week and it's starting
to get tiresome.

Chris Jericho, one of my personal favorite wrestlers
of all time, one of the most over performers of our
day, and an all around great guy becomes the first
undisputed champion in like 50 years, and has to take
a backseat to Booker T and Vince McMahon. Instead of
seeing more of Jericho's day in the sun, we, the
Jakked audience, get treated to Booker and Austin
playing Post-Apocalyptic Supermarket Sweep. That
Smackdown segment was so bad, and so long, that it
made me innately search for WCW on the channel
clicker. Then I remembered that Thunder was no longer
on the air, nor had it even been on Thursdays since
the days of Goldberg's undefeated streak. Things
change, and I have a hard time with that.

Ivory VS Jackie
This one should be a treat. I know Rick's happy
because Ivory is his Madonna (not the singer,
humanoids). And I know that Moses Gates is happy
because Ivory's wearing the rear window pants. But I'm
not because I'm the one who's forced to watch these
two have a crappy match. And by the way, how the hell
is Ivory even on TV anymore? Wasn't she fired? But
before I can even finish the question, Coach answers
by stating that Ric Flair hired her back in order to
fill the female trainer void for Tough Enough 2. So,
for those of you who keep emailing me telling me you
don't watch Jakked because there's no plot
development, there you go. Jackie controls early with
a clothesline, but she fucks up a blind charge and
Ivory takes over with some stuff so awful, it's
comical. Ivory follows with a slingshot and a vertical
suplex for two. Jackie fires back with a flapjack, a
dropkick, a back body drop, and a big ol' kick for
two. Ivory then slips out of a backdrop suplex and
hits a modified X-Factor (speaking of who, go read my
recap at The Ring Post) for the win. Jackie attacks
her after the match getting her *snicker* heat back.

Last week Matt Hardy dropped a bombshell on brain
surgeon Lita's head, he's breaking up with her. Lita
began to cry, but Jeff came over and said, "If I
weren't gay, I'd go out with you." All three then had
a lousy match together of which you can read more
about in CRZ's recap. Or better yet, you can read mine
at the SEN Network. Boo-yah!

Crash & Hardcore Holly VS Frankie Kazaria & Mikey
Anderson
We didn't even find out these jobbers' names until
half way through the match. Hardcore starts with
Kazaria who has a really ugly ponytail. He hits a
hiptoss early and clotheslines him out. Hardcore lays
in the chops right in front of the Tough Enough kids
just to be a showboat before tossing him back in.
Delayed suplex immediately follows as does a tag to
Crash. After all, Hardcore is working without medical
clearance here. Anderson tags in and immediately gets
headlocked into oblivion by Crash. I swear to God,
they work this headlock for what seems like an
eternity. Coach and Leary make fun of the jobbers'
insignificance again which pisses me off again. Coach
doesn't know the name of one move, and Leary is
probably horribly disfigured disqualifying him from
any TV time. Finally Kazaria tags back in as he and
Anderson get in their "Bling bling!" and "That is
whack!" offense until the hot tag to Hardcore leads to
the picture perfect dropkick, the "How you like me
now?" kick in the junk, and the Alabama Slam.
Obviously, that ends the match.

Triple H's "Beautiful Day" video get played again.

Christian guest hosts HeAT this week. Trish defends
her Women's Title against Jackie. Check out the angry
dude's recap. Saturn doesn't show this week, Hardcore
Holly makes a token appearance, I shill myself twice.
Not a bad week of Jakked. See you next week...

E-MAIL JONNY X
BROWSE THE JAKKED RECAP ARCHIVES

Jonny X often wonders which country his one-letter last name comes from. He's been writing recaps for just over a year now, and his RAW work can be seen at www.theringpost.com and www.thesenetwork.com.

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