by Jonny X
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

I've been real busy.

Now with that out of the way, let's get to this week's show...

Fresh from the oven, it's Jakked with your hosts Jonathan Coachman and Chris Leary. And godammit, they actually show Leary proving me wrong once again that Chris Leary is a mere phantom of your imagination and only his voice exists in reality. For the record, he's really normal looking.

WWF EUROPEAN CHAMPION Christian VS Loki  
It's not often I get a champion on this show, so I might as well hype it a little. The Jakked crowd agrees with me as Christian gets a very nice pop. Christian wrestles Loki down to start and takes control early. Loki comes back with a splendid kick but gets caught up top and pounded. Christian drops Loki front-first on the top rope and knocks him to the outside. As soon as we go out, we go back in and Christian nails his specialty gutbuster for two. He follows with an Irish whip to which Loki responds with a springboard kick and a neat-o rolling kick. Into the corner as Loki hits an awesome handspring kick (I don't know kick names, shoot me), but misses a twisting 450 splash. Christian takes that opportunity to slap on the Unprettier and escape to Europe with his title. Loki looked terrific and I shudder to think how fucking good the matches between him and Tajiri would be.

Triple H returns on RAW in MSG and poses for five fucking minutes. Granted, if I got the ovation he got I would have done the same, only I would have had a ten-foot boner. I have a slight ego problem. But watching at home was excessively boring and I started to nod off in the middle of it.

Mr. Perfect returns at the Royal Rumble. Hooray! I only wish that he could bring Bobby Heenan with him.

Sho Funaki VS The Hurricane w/Mighty Molly  
Hurri-wrestling sequence to start and a Hurri-pose. Fireman's carry follows and two Hurri-drags as well. Funaki dodges a Hurri-charge and I get real fucking sick of typing Hurri- before everything. So that gag is done now. Anyway, Funaki dodges a blind charge and does some posing of his own, but gets hung out to dry on the top rope and Hurricane makes him ride it like the rhinestone cowboy he is. Funaki comes back, however, and hotshots the 'Cane coming off the ropes. Eye rake follows and an elbow finds the mark for two. Funaki tries a bow and arrow, but almost pins himself in the process.  He gets all bent out of shape and nails a snap suplex and busts out the chinlock we've all been waiting for. Molly makes like a good sidekick and starts a Hurr-i-cane chant that seems to revive our hero enough to channel the spirit of Marcus Bagwell and nail a Buff Blockbuster. He follows with a neckbreaker, a suplex, and a hi-cross body, but none of them secure the pin for him. He finally unleashes the Eye of the Hurricane and sends Funaki home with the loser's share of the purse.

Vince gets interviewed by Jim Ross and says that ruining people's lives turns him on. I found that statement quite disturbing not because it's true, but because of the thought of Vince shouting out "Unbelievable! Anything can happen here in here in my underwear!" at the moment of peak arousal. Ew.

Stone Cold Steve Austin and Kurt Angle fight for supremacy among those with last names starting with "A." Unfortunately Kane, Big Show, and Triple H show up robbing us of the answer. We'll never know!

Perry Saturn VS John Jirus  
Jirus works in some Tough Enough offense in to start until Saturn clotheslines his punk ass out the ring. He follows by ramming Jirus into the stairs real hard and delivering a particularly unpleasant inverted atomic drop. Saturn follows with a springboard dropkick and a big chinlock. Jirus doesn't seem happy at all. Who could blame him though? If a big, bald, cross-eyed, tattooed, crazy man was beating the hell out of you in front of your family, would you be all bubble gum and rainbows? Jirus makes a brief comeback, but Saturn finally finishes with the Dump in the Woods. My roommate astutely noticed that when Saturn locks in the Rings of Saturn, he looks like he's taking a dump in the woods.  Henceforth, that's what the Rings of Saturn is called.

Crash Holly VS Prince Na-Na 
(I thought Finkel said "Fred Banana" but what the hell do I know?)  
Na-Na has Mo from Men on a Mission's body, Marion Berry's face, a cross between B. Brian Blair's (colors) and Ken Patera's (style) tights, an electric chair haircut, and Sgt. Slaughter's moveset. If that ain't the winning Powerball ticket, I don't know what is. I would tell you what happened, but it was unspeakably boring and no one really gives a shit anyway. Crash won with the Acid Drop.

Leary and Coach hype the upcoming Rumble and send us out. A show that features Christian and The Hurricane can't be all bad, so I give it an easy thumbs up. Until next week, I'm Jonny X.

Peace out.  
 

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Jonny X often wonders which country his one-letter last name comes from. He's been writing recaps for just over a year now, and his RAW work can be seen at www.theringpost.com and www.thesenetwork.com.

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