by Jonny X
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

Welcome to Jakked where your hosts, as always, are Jonathan "Dancin' Fool" Coachman and Chris "Voiceover" Leary.

WWF TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS Tazz & Spike VS Funaki & Crash for the WWF Tag Team Titles

Once again I get champions on my show, huzzah! Although, it is kind of an odd spot to put your tag team champions. You'd think they'd be a bit more high profile. Jackie is the referee for this match, and I think it's because she's the only referee short enough to ref this match without making the participants look like midgets. By the way, her hair is really really poofy tonight. The match is good and quick-paced, but about half way through I realized that I really miss TAKA. Funaki is simply drowning without him. The match ends when Spike hits a Dudley Dawg on Funaki while Tazz chokes out Crash allowing Spike to recover and retain their titles.

Winners and still champions: Tazz & Spike

The WWF Desire Federation History Video plays and I get chills all over again. I downloaded that video on my computer and watch it about four times a day. I guess inside we're all still dumbass marks.

Flashback to RAW as Vince Fucking McMahon demands that Ric Flair sell his 50% of the stock back to him or else face the wrath of the nWo. Fast forward to Smackdown as Ric gets all ready to sell his stock to Vince after a tearful goodbye, but Stone Cold "What?" Steve Austin interrupts and implores Ric not to sell his stock. He doesn't and McMahon takes yet another Stunner. I now have a prediction for WrestleMania. I thought that last week Jericho would job to Austin at No Way Out, but given the events of Smackdown, my new prediction is that the nWo will cost Austin his victory allowing Jericho to keep the title. Jericho will go on to face HHH at WrestleMania aligned with Stephanie while Rock & Austin will fight Nash & Hall. Undertaker will probably meet Hogan in the 3rd Main Event. You can mark that one down as Jonny X's prediction.... at least until next week.

Val Venis VS Tajiri w/Torrie Wilson

Sad to see Val make one lucky lady's dream come true on Jakked. It works out good for me though, I guess. Except, I'm not a lady, I'm not gay, and I don't care for this Rick Rude gimmick infringement. So I guess we're all fucked. Anyway, Val's work has greatly improved since his RTC days and he and Tajiri go on to have a dandy of a match. Tajiri nails a top rope hurricane piranha (that's for you, Jenna) and the Tarantula. He misses the big kick, however, and Val locks in his figure four-esque maneuver for the tap-out victory.

Winner: Val Venis

The cast of Rollerball disses Booker T. The APA defend their honor. I think I'm about the only person in America who wants to see Rollerball.

Triple H relieves Princess Crimpyhair of her duties on RAW. On Smackdown, she gets all up in JR's grill. She comments on how good she is in bed, but from the looks of her, I'd say she's a talker like Janice on Friends.

Boss Man VS The Hurricane w/Mighty Molly

This night was going so well until now. Boss Man's like a slug that can't move that quickly. At some point. Molly nails a missile dropkick that the Boss Man just shrugs off. So he goes after her only to run into a Buff Blockbuster by Hurricane. It doesn't last long though as Hurricane runs into a Boss Man Slam for the big J-O-B. Where were your Hurri-senses on that one, dipshit?

Winner: Boss Man

Scotty II Hotty & Albert VS Steven Perez & Pat Cusick

Perez looks like Dean Malenko and Chavo Guerrero Jr.'s love child. Cusick looks like...uh, looks like I forgot to write down what he looked like. Aw, hell. Albert's got some funky pants on tonight. This was a total nothing match that Scotty & Albert won with a W-O-R-M and "everyone's favorite 2-word, uh, word." Hey, Coach's words, not mine. I think he was going for Baldobomb, but he's a moron, so who cares?

Winners: Scotty II Hotty & Albert

HeAT and RAW hype are brought to you by Stacker 2, Truth, and Burger King. Until next week, for Coach and Chris Leary, I'm Jonny X. Soul Train!

E-MAIL JONNY X
BROWSE THE JAKKED RECAP ARCHIVES

Jonny X often wonders which country his one-letter last name comes from. He's been writing recaps for just over a year now, and his RAW work can be seen at www.theringpost.com and www.thesenetwork.com.

All contents are Copyright 1995-2011 by OOWrestling.com.  All rights reserved.
This website is not affiliated with WWE or any other professional wrestling organization.  Privacy Statement.