OO TV/Event Recaps: Jakked/Metal (Pro Wrestling News, Analysis, and Commentary... WWF, WCW, ECW, The Rock, Steve Austin, RVD, Undertaker, Triple H)

JAKKED RECAP
2/16: Saturn's Self-Replicating
Tattoos and MORE!
February 18, 2002

by Jonny X
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

The end is here. Or so sayeth the nWo vignettes that
air perpetually on WWF programs. Welcome to Jakked (in
recap form)! I'm Jonny X and I'll take you through
what could be the last Jakked ever if the nWo destroys
the WWF like Vince promises.

Your hosts are Jonathan "Dancin' Fool" Coachman and
Chris "Voiceover" Leary. By the way, kudos to William
Regal for finally giving Coach what he deserves in the
form of a shot to the face with the knucks. I've been
wanting to do that ever since I started recapping
Jakked. I'm just jealous that I couldn't have felt it
firsthand.
Get it? Firsthand? Yeah... Hey look, a match!

Billy & Chucky VS Scotty & Alby

I didn't want Albert to be the only one without a "y"
on the end of his name, so I took care of it for him.
Billy and Chucky come out to some new gay ballad music
that becomes them quite nicely, but makes your ears
go, "Hey, what did I ever do to you?" Chucky once
again sports the blond Pocahontas hairstyle. Good for
him. The match starts, and it's quite underwhelming. I
find myself more and more disenchanted with Scotty's
ringwork, and wonder what Albert ever did to deserve
this shitty treatment. He's one of the better big men
ever to be in the WWF, yet he's stuck giving the giant
swing to Billy fucking Gunn on the WWF's D-level show.
Somewhere in the match Chucky's tights get thongified
and somewhere in the back Pat Patterson's eyes get
real big. Cut to the finish as Albert hoists up Billy,
but Chucky plants the Junglekick right in Albert's
mouth causing Billy to crash onto Albert scoring the
pin. Post-match: Scotty slips Billy the W-O-R-M.

Winners: Billy & Chucky

Recap alert! It wouldn't be Jakked unless there were
clips from the shows people actually watched. Of
course the idea of a recap inside of a recap is kind
of weird isn't it? Like a Twilight Zone type of thing.
I don't know what I'm talking about anymore. AA hands
HHH a package, tells him to call Linda McMahon, HHH
finds out Steph isn't pregnant, HHH has a breakdown
and teaches that wedding arch a lesson, Steph
harnesses the power of her PMS and puts herself into
HHH and Angle's match at No Way Out. The lesson to be
learned: HHH would beat AA in a fight because he has
that extra repeated initial in his name.

The end is here... again!

Val Venis VS Crash Holly

Val makes yet another young actress's dream come true
with a kiss. Crash and Val have about as good a match
as you can have in three minutes. Val finishes by
working the knee and applying his figure-four
variation for the tap-out victory. This was kind of a
squash.

Winner: Val Venis

Tazz implores us to Smackdown Our Vote! Considering
this is February, and the elections take place in
November, that means we have to watch these Smackdown
Your Vote ads for the next nine fucking months! How I
hate the WWF sometimes.

Jericho/Austin hard sell for No Way Out. That's nice,
but the fact that this match was ignored until the
week before it took place is inexcusable.

The nWo gets a hold of that WWF Desire: Federation
History video we all mark-out over so much and nWo-ize
it. It's weird, usually I could give a crap less about
heel tactics, but this one got to me. Don't know why,
it just did. It was almost like pissing on the entire
history of my 16 year fandom. I suppose that's good
though if they want me to hate the nWo.

Rock/Undertaker hard sell for No Way Out. Don't care
about Taker, bored with The Rock, fast forward button
reacquaintance time.

Lance Storm VS Sho Funaki

Good, quick pace to start. Good, quick pace in the
middle (minus Storm's chinlock half way through).
Good, quick pace to end it. Storm wins with the
Canadian Maple Leaf. This match was extremely fun, but
it had absolutely no heat. Even for a Jakked match, it
had no heat. You could've heard a mouse fart in the
arena.

Winner: Lance Storm

Bossman VS Perry Saturn

Right on. Bossman's got his nice little Haggar cargo
slacks on tonight. Meanwhile Saturn has red cow design
tights on. I think he has even more tattoos too.
Jesus, it's like his tattoos just keep growing and
reproducing like some sort of Star Trek alien. They
work a fairly interesting match (at least for them)
and Bossman wins with the Bossman Slam out of nowhere.

Winner: Bossman

The WWF wants you to buy No Way Out and I want you to
click the links on the bottom and check out my RAW
recaps. So, until next week, I'm Jonny X, and don't
forget to email me.

Stay tuned for Soul Train!

E-MAIL JONNY X
BROWSE THE JAKKED RECAP ARCHIVES

Jonny X often wonders which country his one-letter last name comes from. He's been writing recaps for just over a year now, and his RAW work can be seen at www.theringpost.com and www.thesenetwork.com.

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