by Jonny X
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

Your hosts as always are Jonathan "Dancin' Fool" Coachman and Chris "Voiceover" Leary.

Dudley Boyz w/Stacy VS Tajiri w/Torrie & Funaki

Sweet ass! This isn't exactly where I'd like to see any of these six people on the card, but it makes me a happy camper for the four minutes they're all on Jakked! I'd like to see Taka return along with Togo, and Teoh to reform Kaientai. They could feud with Tajiri Knoble, Helms, and Kidman. That would jumpstart the cruiserweight division real nice. But I'll be damned if they ever do that, so I guess I'll just grit my teeth and try to enjoy the crappy Goldust VS Godfather feud that'll happen eventually. Funaki (since he's the lowlier of the two Japanese jobbers) gets worked over a lot. Bubba hooks in an odd cloverleaf variation causing me to wonder if everyone thinks they're fuckin Ken Shamrock and Dean Malenko rolled into one. Is there anyone who doesn't use a submission hold anymore? Funaki with a top rope hurricane piranha to cue the hot tag to Tajiri who gets all up in everyone's faces with some mad kickery. Stacy climbs into the ring and Torrie follows triggering a catfight. Tajiri gets distracted and takes 3-D for the big J-O-B.

Winners: Dudley Boyz

RECAP ALERT! The nWo debuts at No Way Out and cost Stone Cold the championship. But on RAW, Hollywood Hogan proclaims himself the greatest of all time, so The Rock answers to rebut. Is it just me, or did Hogan look like a ridiculous orange clown playing the air guitar and doing the crotch chop? They agree to fight at WrestleMania and Rock seals the deal with a Rock Bottom. However, Drinky and Lanky attack The Rock and Hogan plants a hammer in Rock's brain base. Cue the sports entertainment machine, because here comes a semi truck straight up Rock's candyass. All together, I'd say I've seen this 20-minute segment re-edited and redone about 6 times now. I think I got the point that the nWo are a bunch of assholes. By the way, did anyone else find it funny that they all kept their sunglasses on throughout the whole segment?

Test VS Crash Holly

I miss looking at Crash's goofy ass on Monday nights. He's an above-average worker and he and his scale were excellent characters. I heard the scale was fired for upgrading to first class, though. Test chases him around a lot and nails a spinning powerbomb at one point. The match isn't bad, but it's not particularly good either. Test unveils a new finisher, however, and it looks like an inverted Twist of Fate. Picture Hurricane setting up for an Eye of the Hurricane but dong a motion like Matt Hardy does. I think Test should call it the "Big Red Pen." That's because his opponent didn't pass the test! No, that's probably lame, but whatever.

Winner: Test

RECAP ALERT! Kurt Angle loses his WrestleMania title shot to Triple H on RAW. That's probably good because no one would pay to see Jericho VS Angle. Well, I would, but I'm weird like that. Then on Smackdown, Jericho and Stephanie forge an alliance in order to dick with Triple H even more. It makes plenty of sense storyline-wise, but they look really awkward around each other making difficult to take them seriously.

Val Venis VS Scotty II Hotty

Val makes yet another (nameless) young woman's dream come true. I, on the other hand, went and took a piss out of boredom with this weekly shtick. That made my bladder's dream come true. Coachman tries to convince Leary that he's a real player and hooks up with like 5 girls a night. I see Coachman as less of a player than I do as the leader of a large child pornography ring. Val and Scotty do the mutual respect hi-five to start, so I guess they're friends. Good for them, this match was boring. Val misses the Money Shot which allows Scotty to set up the WORM. I can't believe how over that move still is. It's unreal. Anyway, Val bails before the chop can happen, but sneaks back in to apply his figure four thingy for the win. That move really needs a name.

Winner: Val Venis

Boss Man VS Michael Shane

Boy, shit sure rolls downhill, doesn't it. Look at the first match, and look at this dungwagon. Personally, I would much rather see Saturn squash a local guy than Boss Man. But, such is life. Boss Man wins with his Boss Man Slam.

Winner: Boss Man

Heat comes at you live tomorrow night where OO's very own Immolator will keep you up to speed on such surefire classics as William Regal VS Rikishi for the Intercontinental Title as well as Val Venis VS Booker T. Make sure and read his recap! I'm Jonny X and stay tuned for...

Soul Train!  

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Jonny X often wonders which country his one-letter last name comes from. He's been writing recaps for just over a year now, and his RAW work can be seen at www.theringpost.com and www.thesenetwork.com.

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