by Jonny X
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

Jonathan "Jackass" Coachman and Chris "Gay or Not?" Leary are your hosts as usual.

Test VS Edge

Hey, remember when Edge and Test fought each other on pay per view for the company's second-most prestigious title? Neither do I as apparently, the WWF writing staff wants us to forget that either of these guys ever had a push. Because now, I think they're fighting for who has the best four-letter name on Jakked. Unfortunately Kane was needed for RAW, so we'll never really get a definitive answer. But they had a match anyway, and Edge won it with a freaking sunset flip. Um, okay. I didn't think I was watching a house show, but whatever. Post-match: Test puts his foot all up in Edge's grill to retain his "heat."

Winner and champion of the four-letter names: Edge 

RECAP ALERT! Those crazy nWo clowns raise some hell with a semi, and apologize for it on SmackDown. However, Stone Cold kidnapped Scott Hall and tortured him all night just for kicks. Hall retaliated and challenged Stone Cold to a match offering a truce until then. Stone Cold rejected the truce and Scott Hall crushed a cinder block (made by Kevin Sullivan, I think) over Stone Cold's knee. I'm somewhat speechless at the idiocy involved in the nWo's booking so far. How many of these lame-ass, over-dramatized, "real-life," sports entertainment drama scenes do have to stomach before someone realizes that the WWF can't produce actual drama for shit. That's why they let the wrestlers tell stories in the ring where no scripts, stunt doubles, or camera tricks are needed to tell a convincing story. These sequences only damage wrestling, and provide me with adequate reason to change the channel. But that's me, your mileage may vary.

The Dudley Boyz VS Tazz & Spike

Finally a payoff to this feud! And it's on Jakked! Must be my lucky night. Who says Jakked is for losers? I had a whole lot to say about this match, but I can't seem to find my notes on it. Oh well, let's just say that Tazz slapped the Tazzmission on Stacy, but got 3-D'd out of nowhere to take the loss. The match was entirely watchable, though.

Winners: The Dudley Boyz

RECAP ALERT! Apparently any attention is good attention. You know Stephanie is writing the storylines when her genitalia is the focus of what should be the biggest storyline of the year. Even if her vagina is a gaping chasm, I don't want to buy WrestleMania any more than before. I mean, are we going to get to see it? No. Is it going to fight Crash Holly in a hardcore match? No. Is it somehow going to interfere in the championship match? No. Well then why should we even give a shit about it? Keep it in your fucking pants, Stephanie. It was good for a laugh, but now it's outlived its usefulness. Let's focus on the match.

Goldust VS Tajiri

Tajiri kicks a whole lot. Goldust hits some bulldogs, inverted atomic drops and other 1995 offense. These two don't have a very good match and it ends when Goldust nails Tajiri with the Rude Awakening. Man, when Tajiri jobs this fucking much, you know someone has their head up their booking ass.

Winner: Goldust

Scotty II Hotty & Albert (w/midget) VS Funaki & Saturn

Whoa, hold on a second. We've got a 300 lb. bald man named the Hip Hop Hippo, a fool named the Worm, a midget, a cross-eyed, tattoo-covered thug, and a little Japanese guy. They shouldn't be fighting; they should be singing YMCA! Hell, get Raven, Kane, and Billy & Chuck in there; you've got the entire gimmick rainbow! Scotty nails the W-O-R-M on Funaki to get the duke. This was what it was, and Funaki jobs for about the 78th week in a row.

Winners: Scotty II Hotty & Albert

Heat, as well as The Immolator, come at you tomorrow night. Rob Van Dam takes on Lance Storm, and Edge battles Mr. Perfect. Keep it here at Online Onslaught for all your heat needs. Until then...

Soul Train!  

E-MAIL JONNY X
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Jonny X often wonders which country his one-letter last name comes from. He's been writing recaps for just over a year now, and his RAW work can be seen at www.theringpost.com and www.thesenetwork.com.

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