OO TV/Event Recaps: Jakked/Metal (Pro Wrestling News, Analysis, and Commentary... WWF, WCW, ECW, The Rock, Steve Austin, RVD, Undertaker, Triple H)

JAKKED RECAP
3/09: Better Late than Never!
March 15, 2002

by Jonny X
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

Well, it's been a banner freakin' week here in the X
household. First my server goes down for three days,
then I wake up coughing up blood. I tell ya', nothing
says "Good morning!" like waking up with a mouth full
of your own blood. And to top off the week, I get
watch the tape I made of Jakked. And it's four days
late!

Your hosts are as usual Jonathan "Fuck you!" Coachman
and Chris "Who?" Leary. With half of the roster in
Asia, that means we get a supersweet, ultra-jobberific
Jakked where three guys you know pound the living shit
out of three guys you don't. Hooray!

Val Venis VS Mike Anthony

Val makes yet another local actress's dream come true
by planting one on her and giving her his towel so
that she can return it to the locker room instead of
one of the ring attendants. Val is now going by "The
Big Valboski" apparently, which ties him with Beaver
Cleavage as having the lamest name ever. The jobber
actually gets the second entrance because we wouldn't
want him just standing around while Val makes out with
some chick, now would we? Anthony gets some offense
in, but does it really matter? You know goddamn good
and well who's going to win. And he does so with the
reverse figure-four.

Winner: Val Venis

RECAP ALERT! Rock VS Hogan at WrestleMania! Had Rock
not been gone for three weeks, and had Hogan not
looked so much like Hogan, and had the nWo gimmick not
been exhausted four years ago, this match could have
been even bigger than it is already. But considering I
see ads trumpeting "The Biggest Match of All Time!" on
every station 24 hours a day, I'll bet the buyrate is
huge. The match itself will suck big ol' donkey balls
though.

Perry Saturn VS Paul London

Well, this match was actually somewhat interesting.
It's not often that a shooting star press makes it
onto TV, what with Kidman being gone and all. But
London busted one out and missed. Saturn countered
with a release dragon suplex that nearly killed the
poor jobber. He followed with a Death Valley Driver
and ended the misery. Why can't Saturn have matches
with actual good moves in them against recognized WWF
names? Are they still pissed at him for bullying
around that guy oh so many months ago?

Winner: Perry Saturn

RECAP ALERT! Ric Flair agrees to fight the Undertaker
at WrestleMania. And last Thursday he was out for
blood! He got none however, and had to settle for
decking a fan in the face. This is yet another match
that will suck big ol' donkey balls, but at least the
buildup has been fun. You'd think the WWF would hire
actual writers, but I guess they only have one since
only one storyline is good at a time anymore. The rest
is filled with cheap melodrama, unfunny sketch comedy,
and contrived plotlines. Just my opinion.

RECAP ALERT! Triple H gets his robe back! Oh thank
god! I have so much emotionally invested in that robe
that I don't think I could handle it if Jericho had it
permanently. This match should be able to sell itself,
and yet it's filled with poisonous lotion, Corvettes
sawed in half, robes, and dog shit.

Crash Holly VS Eddie Craven

Moves, moves, moves. Blah blah blah. Crash wins with
his bulldog. Give him the Houdini of Hardcore gimmick
again because uninspired matches with no-name jobbers
certainly appears to be killing his motivation.

Winner: Crash Holly

Watch RAW! Buy WrestleMania! Give Jonny X email!

Soul Train!

E-MAIL JONNY X
BROWSE THE JAKKED RECAP ARCHIVES

Jonny X often wonders which country his one-letter last name comes from. He's been writing recaps for just over a year now, and his RAW work can be seen at www.theringpost.com and www.thesenetwork.com.

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