OO TV/Event Recaps: Jakked/Metal (Pro Wrestling News, Analysis, and Commentary... WWF, WCW, ECW, The Rock, Steve Austin, RVD, Undertaker, Triple H)

JAKKED RECAP
3/16: Jakked 3:16 Says, "This Show
Hyped WrestleMania!"
March 19, 2002

by Jonny X
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

Yep, Jakked happened again, and it was loaded with
WrestleMania bullshit. So hike up those pants,
kiddies, and let's wade through it!

Your hosts are Jonathan "Arrogant Asshole" Coachman
and Chris "Is He Gay or Not?" Leary.

The Godfather w/4 escorts VS Lance Storm

Godfather still sucks, so not even Storm could carry
him to a decent match. Case in point: Godfather's
right hands miss by at least six inches each time. If
I were Storm, I'd no-sell until one of them actually
grazed my face. The Escort Train hits and Godfather
goes for the Papa Shango Shoulderbreaker, but Storm
slips out and nails the Superkick for the win.

Winner: Lance Storm

RECAP ALERT! Rock/Hogan hard sell for WrestleMania.
About 5 minutes long.

RECAP ALERT! Tough Enough 2 had Big Show arrive and
tell everyone what a prick he used to be. Robert (the
big fat black guy) and Aaron (the dude who dismally
failed the physical challenge) got cut. About 3.5
minutes long.

The Big Valbowski VS Perry Saturn

Val drags out the opening spiel once again and chooses
a woman with really far apart breasts as his latest
victim. Holy shit, more tattoos for Saturn! He's got
the doo-rag as well this time, but he still hasn't
regrown the Hogan moustache yet. Maybe Hogan was
afraid of him stealing his heat, who knows. Saturn
misses a moonsault, but slaps on a sleeper. Val turns
it into Blue Thunder. He applies the reverse
figure-four, and Saturn has no choice but to tap. This
was there.

Winner: The Big Valbowski

RECAP ALERT! Hall/Austin hard sell for WrestleMania.
About 2 minutes long.

RECAP ALERT! Flair/Taker hard sell for WrestleMania
plus the impending split storyline. About 3 minutes
long.

Funaki VS Hurricane Helms

Leary calls WrestleMania a "formal event" which Coach
misinterprets to mean "prom" and rips all over him for
it. I think Coach feels it necessary to rip all over
Leary in order to cover up his own stupidity. Funaki
plays heel for this match. Here's something to think
about: if you don't know a guy's finisher, he probably
won't win ever. Go ahead and name Funaki's finisher.
I'll wait. Now that you've come up with nothing,
Hurricane wins with a Buff Blockbuster.

Winner: Hurricane Helms

Crash Holly VS Tajiri for the WWF CRUISERWEIGHT TITLE

HUGE pop for Tajiri, the loudest I've ever heard on
Jakked. Crash offers a martial arts exhibition, and
Tajiri counters with one of his own. Crash takes
advantage and kicks him in the gut. Triviata: Tajiri
defeated Crash in his first-ever televised WWF match.
He relives some history, and nails the Tree of
Woe/baseball slide, followed by the Tarantula, the
handspring elbow, and the Big Ol' Kick to win.

Winner: Tajiri

Heat is live tomorrow and don't forget about
Hogan/Rock, Hall/Austin, Flair/Taker, and HHH/Y2J in
that order. At least we know where the Undisputed
Title falls in the WWF pecking order these days. Until
next time...

Soul Train!

E-MAIL JONNY X
BROWSE THE JAKKED RECAP ARCHIVES

Jonny X often wonders which country his one-letter last name comes from. He's been writing recaps for just over a year now, and his RAW work can be seen at www.theringpost.com and www.thesenetwork.com.

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