OO TV/Event Recaps: Jakked/Metal (Pro Wrestling News, Analysis, and Commentary... WWF, WCW, ECW, The Rock, Steve Austin, RVD, Undertaker, Triple H)

JAKKED RECAP
3/23: Perfectly Ridiculous
March 25, 2002

by Jonny X
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

Welcome bakk to Jakked. Along with Jonathan "Please Go
Away, You Smartass" Coachman and Chris "Without Funny
Nickname This Week" Leary, I'm Jonny X. Away we go...

Mr. Perfect & Bossman VS The APA

I wonder what the combined age of these four gentlemen
is. It's got to be at least 150. As you might
remember, Bossman and Perfect fought for the IC Title
at WrestleMania VII eleven years ago. I wonder if any
of that residual hostility will come up in the course
of the match. Eh, probably not. Faarooq and Perfect
start as punches and chops abound. Flying shoulder
gets two for Faarooq. Both guys tag out. Bossman
hammers away on Bradshaw for a while, but Bradshaw
retaliates. Perfect comes back in and takes a
blockbuster suplex. I'll bet Scott Hall has heat with
Bradshaw for that, knowing him. Bossman interrupts a
powerbomb attempt and tags in. Bradshaw plays face in
peril for awhile until he hits a backdrop suplex. Hot
tag to Faarooq who's a house of fire! Powerslam gets
two, but a train wreck occurs and totally fucks up the
(ha!) flow of this match. Faarooq finally hits a
powerbomb on Bossman to seal the deal. Kinda boring,
but acceptable.

Winners: The APA

RECAP ALERT! Linda McMahon announces the Brand
ExpansionÔ and sounds horribly unenthusiastic. Someone
get her some smelling salts, for Christ's sake!

The Big Valbowski VS Lance Storm

Ugh. Who's the lucky lady this week? I don't know,
some ugly bitch. I hope Storm can put a stop to these
offbeat shenanigans because I'm damn tired of this
act. Val is drowning. Storm controls early, but Val
hits a clothesline and back body drop to turn the
tide. Val falls victim to a sleeper, but quickly turns
it into a nice Blue Thunder for two. Jawbreaker by
Storm gets the momentum back on his side, however, and
he follows it with a sweet bridging German suplex for
two. Val catches Storm coming off the ropes with a
spinebuster and scores the pin with a strange combo.
Match was okay, if a bit disconnected. Post-match:
Storm teaches Val a thing or two about humility by
kicking him right in the chops.

Winner: The Big Valbowski

RECAP ALERT! Hogan opens RAW with a big ol' promo, and
the crowd chants his name. I've said it before, and
I'll say it again, Canadians are stupid. I still
fucking hate Hogan and hope his wrinkled old ass
breaks his leg so he can't wrestle anymore. He's
polluting my television and everyone keeps mistaking
their feelings of nostalgia for ones of entertainment.
Then the storyline just got worse as Rock fought Nash
(who is also a piece of shit, I might add) and Hall,
Hogan, and the returning (dammit) X-Pac all ran in.
Out of the five guys in the ring, I like exactly one
of them.

RECAP ALERT! We take a look back at WWF Fan Axxess.
I'm sure the whole event was fun, and if I had the
opportunity, I would have gone. But watching it in
recap form makes it look like a shitty Entertainment
Tonight segment. Also, from the looks of it, they
should hype the main attraction of the entire weekend:
the line.

Crash & Funaki VS Scotty II Hotty & Albert

Albert and Crash start as Albert overpowers him.
Comedy spots follow as we get the not-so-subtle hint
that Albert is much larger than both of his opponents.
Scotty eventually tags in and plays face-in-peril.
Crash does some fairly funny gestures that no one
picks up on. Well, at least he's trying. Neckbreaker
on Crash allows Scotty to make the hot tag to Albert.
Sit out press slam on Funaki scores two on Funaki.
Bulldog, W-O-R-M, and a big splash follow in short
order. A fat waste of time.

Winners: Scotty II Hotty & Albert

Make sure to watch Heat this Sunday where Mr. Perfect
battles Rob Van Dam for the Intercontinental Title.
Hey, he just jobbed to the APA, how is he in line for
a title shot? RAW comes at you Monday where HHH,
Jericho, and Princess Crimpyhair will battle for the
WWF Title. Oh, and there's that whole draft thing as
well. Until next time...

Soul Train!

E-MAIL JONNY X
BROWSE THE JAKKED RECAP ARCHIVES

Jonny X often wonders which country his one-letter last name comes from. He's been writing recaps for just over a year now, and his RAW work can be seen at www.theringpost.com and www.thesenetwork.com.

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