OO TV/Event Recaps: Jakked/Metal (Pro Wrestling News, Analysis, and Commentary... WWF, WCW, ECW, The Rock, Steve Austin, RVD, Undertaker, Triple H)

JAKKED RECAP
3/30: Goodbye to the Old Era!
April 2, 2002

by Jonny X
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

Welcome to the last Jakked of the old era. Some
returning faces appear on Jakked, some of the regulars
are here, and we get a rematch of epic proportions.
Let's not delay this any further. It's time to get
Jakked.

By the way, I know this is a couple days late, but you
can blame the delay on Easter. That's not really a
valid excuse for me, but the garbageman came a day
late, so I can too. Because by God, if it's good
enough for the garbageman, it's good enough for Jonny
X.

Your hosts are Jonathan "I Wish I Was Sean Morley So I
Could Get Laid Once in a While" Coachman and Chris
"Dude, That's One Long Nickname" Leary.

Tajiri & Funaki VS Kidman & Hurricane

This is the kind of shit I can get on board with. I've
been saying for weeks how Jakked needs to become a
Cruiserweight showcase just for my own personal
amusement, and now it comes true. Now that I've got
the shitty roster for RAW on my other sites, Jakked is
my last recapping refuge. So, if you didn't see this
match, you missed out. Even though it's my job to fill
you in, I'll leave this match up to your imagination.
Tajiri kicks Kidman in his noggin and covers for the
1-2-3 securing Funaki's first win since, shit, I can't
even remember. But he sure looks happy about it.

Winners: Tajiri & Funaki

RECAP ALERT! We say goodbye to Princess Crimpyhair
Fucking McMahon (Stephanie) on RAW when Triple H
drills her with a spinebuster. It's about damn time.

RECAP ALERT! Last week on Tough Enough 2. I didn't see
that episode and fast forwarded through the recap. So,
if you missed it, that's damn unfortunate.

Test VS Spike Dudley

SQUASH ALERT! Test completely dismantles Spike and
pins him in under three minutes with the giant foot.
If Test always came in three minute segments, he might
actually be cool. But the second he opens his mouth,
it's trouble. He has a hard time with "Hello."

Winner: Test

RECAP ALERT! Kane actually has a personality and
rattles off some pretty funny impressions before
chokeslamming X-Pac straight to hell in Smackdown's
main event.

The Big Valbowski VS Lance Storm

Lance and Val clash again in this epic series! Who
will come out victorious this time? Does anyone even
care or know that these two have now had three
matches? No matter. Val takes off his own fuckin'
towel for once saving me a trip to the fast-forward
button. They have a similar match to last week. Val
goes for the reverse rollup, but Lance rolls through
and holds the tights for the win. Yay! Post-match: Val
needs a hug.

Winner (finally): Lance Storm

WWF HARDCORE CHAMPION Raven VS Tommy Dreamer in a
non-title match

To think that these two had one of the best-written
programs in the history of wrestling going not six
years ago, and now they're fighting a meaningless
match on the WWF's D-level show is mind-boggling. They
have a passable match and Dreamer wins with a
powerbomb variation. Hmmm, I was sure Raven would go
over there.

Winner: Tommy Dreamer (that's the first time I've ever
seen him win in the WWF)

Make sure to watch Heat even though it happened a
couple days ago. So, until next time...

Soul Train!

E-MAIL JONNY X
BROWSE THE JAKKED RECAP ARCHIVES

Jonny X often wonders which country his one-letter last name comes from. He's been writing recaps for just over a year now, and his RAW work can be seen at www.theringpost.com and www.thesenetwork.com.

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