by Jonny X  
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

As for this week, my ISP is the poster child for arrested development if there ever was one, so I haven't been connected in a few days. I'll have fun sorting through your (imaginary) emails wondering where in the hell I've been. Jonny X cares about your concern. So, without further ado, I give Jakked for the 13th of April, 2002.

Your hosts are Mark "Hey, You're Not Jonathan Coachman" Loyd, and Al "You're not Chris Leary Either" Snow. On a personal note, because I'm subjected to Coachman on RAW, I'm beyond giddy that he no longer does Jakked. At least half of my recapping duties can be free of that smarmy asshole. As for Snow, he's got kind of a wooden delivery, but he's serviceable.

Diamond Dallas Page VS Hardcore Holly

It sure is good to see Holly back on TV, even if it is working the opening match on Jakked. I've been a fan of his ever since the "Big Shot" gimmick, and here's to hoping they find something interesting for him to do on Smackdown. They have an altogether unspectacular, yet kind of fun match that sees Hardcore bust out the "How ya' like me now?" kick in the junk. God, I've missed that move. Back and forth action spills outside where referee Jim Korderas lays in the count. Any time the ref bothers to count anymore, there's going to be a countout. Bet on it. And sure enough, both guys get counted out in a finish that I have never, ever seen on Jakked. And what the fuck? Why bother doing this when this show gets ratings somewhere between that horrid Emeril show on NBC on the low end, and that infomercial for Girls Gone Wild on the high end. Just flip a coin and let someone win, it's not like anyone's watching. Or reading this for that matter.

Winner: No one, we're all fucked.

RECAP ALERT! That whole Triple H, Hollywood Hogan, Chris Jericho, Kurt Angle mess from Smackdown. To be honest, I haven't been able to watch Smackdown for the last couple of weeks, so I have no idea what the hell's going on. I see that Hogan is back to the red and yellow which pretty much signifies the end of the universe once again. His popularity astounds me, as not a year and a half ago smart marks, and original-scented marks couldn't shit on Hogan enough. Now he's the #1 babyface in the WWF due to an insane following and alarming popularity? The universe is caving in on itself, and we may die.

Billy Kidman VS Chavo Guerrero Jr. for the WWF CRUISERWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP

How is Chavo in line for a title shot even though he wasn't drafted by either squad, nor did he even get selected in the lottery? Given that rationale, watch Jonny X battle Billy Kidman on Jakked next week for the Cruiserweight Title. I fit the criteria: I wasn't drafted, wasn't a lottery pick, and weigh under 225 lbs. That'll be exciting. Plus I think I'm part Guerrero. There's at least a chance seeing as the Guerreros are larger than the Kennedy and Wayans families put together. This match is all sorts of flippity-floppity as they go back and forth. Chavo sets up for the Brainbuster, but Kidman slaps on the Slop Drop/Meat Grinder/Gator Breaker for the win. Man, that move sucks. And with the exception of Kidman, all the guys who used it previous sucked too. Post-match: Chavo gets upset and finally gets that Brainbuster. That'll teach Kidman a thing or two about humility.

Winner and STILL Champion: Billy Kidman

RECAP ALERT! Vince gets carted off to jail for leaching after a woman who's less than half his age despite the fact that he's married. Oh wait, that's all in my head. Back to reality as Vince chooses Stacy Keibler as his new assistant and gives himself something to think about while he's fucking Linda because God knows he probably doesn't want to picture her boring face while he's hitting his money shot.

RECAP ALERT! Tough Enough degenerates (Break it down!) into stupid melodrama between Pete and Jackie. Who cares? Just show Hardcore beating the crap out of them. I realize this is MTV, but c'mon, show us the wrestling.

Christian VS Hugh Morrus

Since I've covered why Chavo shouldn't even be here, I suppose I can leave Morrus alone. I might add that Morrus looks particularly svelte now and has his haircut like he's swimming in the big 400m freestyle relay in the state championships. I think Hugh's been working on his game too, because this match was shockingly watchable. Christian gets a near fall and goes into his temper tantrum allowing Hugh to climb up and hit No Laughing Matter for the (upset?) win.

Winner: Hugh Morrus

As for last week:

Jazz def. Ivory to retain the WWF WOMEN'S CHAMPIONSHIP

Godfather comes out with one escort and fires her saying he's closing his escort service. Val Venis tries to say things that I wasn't really paying attention to. Godfather clocks him with the mic saying his escort service is closed. I wish that meant he was fired, but it probably doesn't. And what's with running an angle on Jakked? Refer to the Hardcore Holly/DDP match for my thoughts on this.

Faarooq def. Lance Storm (ah, poor Lance)

Chavo Guerrero Jr. & Hugh Morrus def. Hurricane & Funaki

Jakked is getting a lot better. The matches all fall in the 5-6 minute range which is better than the 2-3 minute range, I guess. Loyd and Snow give us some Smackdown hype, and we're out!

Soul Train! 

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Jonny X often wonders which country his one-letter last name comes from. He's been writing recaps for just over a year now, and his RAW work can be seen at www.theringpost.com and www.thesenetwork.com.

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