OO TV/Event Recaps: Jakked/Metal (Pro Wrestling News, Analysis, and Commentary... WWF, WCW, ECW, The Rock, Steve Austin, RVD, Undertaker, Triple H)

JAKKED RECAP
5/04: Maven Debuts
May 7, 2002

by Jonny X
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

Welcome to your Smackdown brand Jakked! Jonny X will
guide you through the next hour of lower card guys and
storyline rehash (is that like corned beef hash?).
Your hosts are Marc Loyd and Al Snow.

Maven VS Chavo Guerrero Jr.

Tough Enough battle of the seasons! Watch them explode
right here! Maven burns up the dropkick, armdrag, and
hiptoss early. You'd think after being in the WWF for
all this time, he'd have learned some new moves by
now. Nope, he's still using that same green shit he
learned on MTV. But I still enjoy his matches, so who
gives a shit. Of course he is in there with ring
generals like Tazz, Chavo, and Billy Gunn. Two out of
three ain't bad, I guess. Chavo controls most of the
match with his awesome moves, and eventually scores
the pin after a brainbuster. I haven't much cared for
the brainbuster outside of No Mercy for N64 and Koko
B. Ware because it always looks like a slightly
impactful vertical suplex. I've said it before, but
it's tough to bet on a guy without a finisher.

Winner: Chavo Guerrero Jr.

RECAP ALERT! Jericho jobs to Hogan in the dumbest
match finish of the year. It astounds me how the WWF
can cut the balls off each of its performers by making
them look so inordinately stupid at every turn.
Jericho has Hogan beat in the center of the ring, but
he gets up to look at the top of the ramp where
Undertaker's music has started playing. Knowing how
slowly Undertaker hobbles to the ring, Jericho could
have covered Hogan real quick, then retreated through
the crowd, and been Undisputed Champion once again all
before Taker was even half way down the ramp. A little
common sense is all I ask for, you know?

The Godfather VS Tazz

Man, I really can't stand Godfather. He repels me like
few other performers do. I would put him in the same
category as Hogan, Bossman, Nash, Lita, and Billy Gunn
in terms of repellency. Tazz looks like a total jobber
in this match save for a T-Bone suplex, and an aborted
Tazzmission. Godfather makes with a low blow, and goes
for his pimp (former private business owner?) cane and
tries to brain Tazz, but the ref steals it allowing
the big foot and the win. Enjoying that broadcast
position, Tazz? It sure beats jobbing to Godfather,
doesn't it?

Winner: Godfather

RECAP ALERT! I had hit stop on my VCR at this point to
take a piss, but somehow managed to hit record instead
of play causing me to miss this recap segment. I got
back midway through the next match after getting off
the phone (Yep, pissing then the phone. Life sure is
busy here in the X household.), so I have no idea what
happened here. If you like this type of thing, may I
suggest The Cubs Fan's recap of this.

The Hurricane VS Albert

Joined in progress on account of Jonny X's moronitude.
I really don't have much to say about either performer
except Albert desperately needs to find that shirt he
lost a few weeks ago. I don't think we were ever meant
to see his giant bear torso. As for Hurricane, this
comic book shit has run its course and will never
return from gimmick hell. 3 Count would be better for
him at this point. Hurricane uses his speed to
befuddle Albert (Really not that hard) and roll him up
for the 1-2-3. Whatever happened to that
Albert/Rikishi program that was brewing? Wait, forget
I ever asked that and maybe that will remain
gratefully forgotten.

Winner: The Hurricane

Hugh Morrus VS Funaki

Interesting clash of styles in this match. At least
Morrus has a finisher. They have a surprisingly
watchable match that lasts at least a good five
minutes. I've been impressed with Morrus's work on
Jakked lately and hope to see him rewarded soon.
Funaki has been deflated ever since TAKA has been
chillin' in Japan. Morrus eventually wins the match
after a No Laughing Matter.

Winner: Hugh Morrus

Judgment Day happens sometime in the near future. I
don't remember and I can't be bothered to go look it
up. Edge takes on Kurt Angle in a hair VS hair match,
and Hogan battles Undertaker in the Geritol classic.
The promise of haircuts and legdrops has me sold
already! See you in a week.

Soul Train!

E-MAIL JONNY X
BROWSE THE JAKKED RECAP ARCHIVES

Jonny X is your favorite recapper who also writes RAW recaps for www.theringpost.com and www.thesenetwork.com. Cheat to win!

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